Wife diagnosed approx 3 yrs ago. Birthday 10,31,08 age 78. Got cards and at least 4 phone calls. Next day said no remembered her birthday. Put 2 cards from our sons on desk, and then said i trhew them away cause they were on table by recliner t6he last she remembered. Keep my mouth shut most of time but once in awhiule still try to reason with her about where something is, dumb me i guess. Thisa is 1st thing i entered.
kacnk, I think I understand that your new here, Welcome! I am new as well. But I think you will find a lot of great help here. I am sure all of us have been thru our loved ones misplacing things than blaming us or thinking we are hiding it from them. I guess all I can say, is it's just part of the journey. My Dh was diagnosed back in Jan at the age of 53 but have been noticing issues for several years. The misplacing of things makes me nutty, but I know he doesn't do it on purpose so I try and stay calm, while I search for the lost item.
hmmmmmm, reasoning with them can sometimes be harder on us the caregiver than it is on them. LOL................ But I certainly feel your frustration and need to make a stand. Hopefully someone will be able to post a answer for how to remind them of things such as your wifes birthday wishes, she doesn't remember getting. Best of luck! And again Welcome! Rk
Welcome kacnk, I am so sorry you have the need to join us, however, I am sure you will find everyone kind, helpful & non-judgemental. My husband is 57 years old, started having memory problems at 52. It is very hard to deal with the "broken reasoning button" Most of the time I agree with everything, seems easier. Regarding her birthday, maybe you could put the cards somewhere & when she mentions her birthday, act like they just came in the mail. Making a big deal of receiving the cards. I am sure others will have some great ideas. I keep statistics on the ages of the caregivers & spouses with dementia, if you would like to post. Also, there is a post on where you are from. I will send these post to the top.
We want so much for our spouses to be the person we fell in love with and married. When we look at them and we can see in their eyes that they "seem" to be with us, we try to talk to them and tell them what happened, what is going to happen, show them things....and occasionally we get through, which gives us false hope and then we are let down when it doesn't return for a day or a week or more (and then only for a few moments).
After all this time (my husband is in late stage 6 with aphasia limiting his vocabulary to five words most of the time (yes, no, good, fine, okay), he will STILL, once a week or so, have a few seconds or a minute when he "returns" and if I catch it, I can ask him a question that I need an answer to, and get a rational response! But these are rare.
Sometimes I can try to talk to him and if I look into his eyes, I can see that he "isn't there" - he can't even hear me or understand words at all. It's heartbreaking.
When your wife accuses you, you know it's not her doing it, it's the AD, but it doesn't make it one whit easier to take!! I would just either help her to go to where the items are, or bring them to her. Either way, talking doesn't help. The accusations may go down to where she accuses you of stealing her jewelry, her money, etc. And she might even tell you she doesn't love you or that you don't love her. All of this hurts like the devil, even though we KNOW it's the AD talking!
This is so hard on us caregivers! At least we have each other for support and hugs!
Welcome to the group kacnk. Keeping your mouth shut is probably the best way to deal with her false accusations. That's easier said than done, of course. I'm getting a little better at not showing anger/frustration when my husband tells me that he didn't move (I call it hide) his watch, glasses, wallet, keys, etc.
Evalena, I honestly think that their short term memory loss is that short - they truly DON'T remember moving them, so they deny it vehemently. Welcome to the "hide and seek" game. I found the hairbrush in the bottom of the dirty clothes hamper; the watch in our bedroom on a bookshelf; his wallet in the pants he last wore and forgot to remove, etc.
Think of it as a delayed Easter Egg Hunt! <grin>
I think frustration ages us, so I am determined NOT to let him frustrate me!!!! I'm with Divvi, in that I try to look at the light side, find humor at every opportunity, and try to be grateful for each and every day that the Lord lets him stay with me.
kacnk--Welcome. My hubby is 66, diagnosed on 2006 with Vascular Dementia, now in early stage 6. Sometimes it works to establish a place for a certain thing, "so you both will know where it is".
You'll find great help here, and we have several Husbands caring for wives. They'll be along soon, I'm sure, and will be ablle to share their special insights into being the caregiver. It amazes me how much we all share that is so similar, and yet we also have definite areas of caregiving which are unique because it's our husband or because it's our wife.
Feel free to vent, we know where you're coming from. If you don't find the information you're looking for, ask. Somebody will know or find it for you. But, a key thing to remember alweays, is to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. The only way to do the best you can for her, is if you are the best you can be--and strung out, tired, angry, etc. ain't gonna get you through this. Look at our OFF TOPIC threads too--Giggles... etc. I think we shatre everything here...because we can.
Actually, we have about three dozen husbands caring for wives ... they just do a lot more reading than posting. Once they figure out there's a new husband among us, I'm sure some will pop up to say "hi".
Meanwhile, kacnk, a big welcome from me, too.
There's a great paper, called "Understanding the Dementia Experience", that may help you understand what's going on in your wife's mind, and how to help her feel safe and loved. Joan has a link to it in the green menu bar on the home page (picture of a woman in a life jacket). Or you can download it at:
kacnk, I'm glad to see another man on this list, but sorry for the reason. My wife is also 78, probably in stage 6. Fortunately, she has never accused me of anything. Lately she has started tellling me about things I have been doing (which I have not) or should do. Also, no matter what anyone says, she has been there and done that. One funny episode happened tonight at supper. We were sitting with 2 women (we live in a retirement home) and I told them the story of a young woman who became a nymphomaniac (after being very prudish) due to a benign tumor of the brain pressing on the genital sensory area. My wife jumped in and said she had had a similar problem. The other women jumped on her to say she definitely had not. I don't think she had a clue as to what we were talking about.
Keep posting and someone else will have had a similar problem. They will help you and you will help us.
Andrea was into bra hiding. All this is pre-diagnosis...the really wacky years. For about a year she accused me of hiding her bras. And what in the sam hill would I want with her bras? Pete's sake.
I hid her bras, I hid her jewlery, I was trying to take her money, her brother was sneaking into the house...I tell you, it'll drive you to drink.
Trying to think of how to express my thanks to all who commented - made me feel better. I didnt even know i could computer talk.. How about the question she askes maqny times a day "what day is it". or how do u turn on garbage disposal and then later how to turn it off. And of course how old am I We are both 78 liver in Neb
Kacnk, try picturing this - you pick up a pen and write down the day of the week, however, no ink comes out, so you write it again, thinking this time the ink will appear. Sometimes you scribble on a scrap to get the ink started, then go back and try again to write the day of the week. Again, no ink. That is what is happening in her brain. She hears it, but it is in invisible ink, so she has to ask again and again, trying to get it to take - and it doesn't. Some try phrasing it differently - instead of Tuesday, say the day after Monday, or the third or "today" and sometimes it will stick. Sometimes it won't. Your patience will be tested more than you can imagine right now!
Think of the memory part of the AD brain as wire clothes hangers in a pile. You can't separate them; they are tangled but aren't connecting to each other; the signals can't go through. Our spouses (spice) are trying desparately to find the way from point A to point B. There is no longer a straight line for them to follow. Yet they keep trying - by asking us. We are their anchor and they trust us to be the bridge of their memory. Later, they trust us to take care of them.
Some of the spouses will forget where things are and accuse the one they love the most of stealing, or lying, or cheating. They need to be reassured of the caregiver's love during this phase.
The stages can drive you bananas as each little thought - think "car" tries to drive through the maze of AD. The cars wreck a lot along the way. Trisinger started a what I wish I had been told at Stage 2-3 that you should read. I'll bring it to the top for you.
kncak, I have a white board that I write the day, month & year on each morning. Also, if we have an appointment that day. Somedays it helps, even though I must admit, my husband will look at it, then 5 minutes later ask me the day. It is quite madding answering the same question numerous times.
My husband was taught by a cognitive therapist to find the date on the newspaper that was delivered each morning and write it down in a notebook. It is the only thing she tried to teach him that he is still doing. And yet, it never occurs to him to LOOK AT THE NOTEBOOK.
I don't say anything when he writes it down. I'm convinced the only reason he can still sign his name is that he is still writing something down every morning. Since his being able to sign is very useful, I'm glad he can still do it.
There will come a time when you will miss her asking the same question over and over again, because when they stop doing that it means they have hit a new stage. My husband used to ask about garbage day starting 5 days before that day arrived. Now he asked very infrequently, and I know that isn't a good thing. It means he is no longer even trying to remember what day of the week it is or much of anything else.
Kncak-welcome. for me the hardest part of the initial phase of the diagnosis for my husband was the constant repeating and asking over and over the same stuff. drove me insane. i lost it many times during those times. i was not a patient person then, quite the opposite. what i didnt know that i know now yrs later, is that i was still thinking and acting towards my DH as though he was still my husband as before with all the faculties and capabilities still in place and just not listening to me and trying to aggravate me, NOT! i should have been thinking of him as a person with a disease ravaging his brain and unable to reciprocate the information he was receiving. the person he was before that i knew was gone in an instant and i just didnt get it that it happened overnite. all i can say is patience patience patience is the word. arguing/repeating/no matter what you do it will continue so just take it to heart and learn to remind yourself that the old days are gone and every new day is going to challenge your patience. my best, divvi
Divvi, like you, I would get so irritiated with DH before the diagnosis. I thought he just wasn't listening to me. Now that I know he wasn't just being contrary, I have much more patience.
I just discovered this thread (trying to look up Kacnk, because I hadn't remembered seeing any of his posts) and am bringing it to the top because of the many great posts on here: especially two by Mary with the analogies of the pen and the coat hangers. It is wonderful reading and may be helpful to newcomers.
Welcome to the "club" Kacnk,my wife is 66 an we play the same game,she hides her purse all day long an then accuses me or other folks in the house of stealing it an her money,yesterday she was outside pulling weeds an when I checked on her she had pulled all the sunflowers that were about 4' tall,everyday is a challenge but I think ya gotta find the humor in some of the things or you'll go bonkers yourself,sit back an enjoy the ride as much as possible,everyone here is going thru the same things,some more so some not as much but their all here to help ya if they can
...[sigh]... My husband is killing the daylilies. Every day he pulls out the "brown" leaves. Of course they are getting even more brown because he won't leave them alone.
And I've experienced the whole "someone stole it" and his getting upset when things are not done exactly perfectly when he wants them done. He actually remembered that he had a camera and took pictures when the gardening guys who are paid by the association clipped the bushes but didn't come around to clean up after the clippings for half an hour.
YEARS ago, my husband would always accuse me of taking his things....from books to jewelry....and hiding or discarding them. It was driving me crazy and would bring me to tears. IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN THEN, WHAT I KNOW NOW! I can look back at lots of stuff like that and can link them to his eventual diagnosis of AD.
My husband is looking for a gold watch I supposedly bought him about 6 weeks ago (I didn't). He thinks I hid it somewhere, and after he spent hours getting the time and date set right. Also, I have these certain washcloths that I alone use (I am particular about the type). I had 8 of them which would see me from wash day to wash day. All of a sudden, I only have 5. There's only the 2 of us here, so you do the math. LOL
Thanks, bluedaze. Maybe the gold watch is wrapped up in the missing washcloths somewhere. About the picture - we took a family photo in the front yard 2 years ago (my mom was still alive then) and it was my mom, my son, DIL, daughter, grandson, me and Buzz. At Christmas, I decided to enclose that photo in my Christmas cards to folks I don't see very often. When I got it out, I said to myself.....when did I become the fat one in the family photo? LOL
if they are wearing expensive jewelry i would suggest you take the expensive stuff and replace with something similiar but not costly. on our last trip to europe DH had to take off his watch and belt going thru a museum and by the time i missed his watch on his arm none of the security persons in paris 'remembered' seeing a solid gold watch. i was heartsick- DH didnt seem fazed at the time. we got him a cheaper one and he was happy! oh boy- got home to see if it could be turned in on home owners but our deductible is more than the watch so we took the loss. it pains you when they lose important stuff. and they eventually will. divvi
I kept finding my DH wedding ring in the pocket of his pants when I did laundry so I "put it away" along with some other nice jewelry he used to wear, and his collection of beaded belt buckles. He hasn't even missed them. Think he has forgotten he ever had them.
But if you didn't take it, steal it, hide it, then who did? Obviously you did it just to upset them, right? My DH has always said "who took my..... whatever" He would lose his underwear if he didn't have it on, and now that I think of it, we're missing some of his underwear. Oh that's right, he threw it away in target because it was soiled.... i guess I did that too, huh? I did hide all his old glasses and when he can't find his glasses, I can find an old pair for him. doesn't matter if it's up to date, he doesn't drive anyway.
So far I'm not getting blamed. It always "those kids" in our house that do things. There aren't any kids here. Never have been. I sure don't know where that's coming from. Every night he hides his wallet (usually in his underwear) because of "those kids"
Last weekend he lost his keys. He told me when I got intomthe house from our trip to the store. I immediately said, "Check your pockets."(2 shirt and 2 pants pockets). No rsponse back. "How did you get in?" "The emergency keys." Get my stuff put down, make my pos trippit stop, the whole time thinking out a plan to replace the keys. Hegets and eats his lunch,. takes his meds and goes into the bdroom for a nap. A minute later he comes out, "Look!" I look. His keys are in his hand. Where'd you find thm?" "In my pocket. The one with the hanky. I don't know how they got there?"
Well, it wasn't me. But I'm glad they're not lost.
Who was it that said there were two of her in the house? When something bad happened it was always the other one that did it so that kept the real one on the good side of her husband?
Jeanette/Chris, We all know to look in their drawers for dirty underwear/socks. What kind of person would NOT look there first?
Our latest "habit" is locking all the doors and turning off lights. I've been locked out several times...and today put a key outside where I can find it. Of course, ringing the doorbell has no effect when I am locked out. He can sit next to a ringing phone and not notice it is ringing. I think that I can honestly say that lockng me out is his most aggravating habit these days. I can step outside to pick a few tomatoes from my "pottery garden" , 2 minutes max, and when I get back to the door, it's locked! awwwggggg!
Ya know, Shaneuse, we HAVE to laugh at our lives. It's so normal - everyday to us,....but when I write it down later, it does seem funny. I think my DH has done it all, and then he finds something else to do.
I wrote about this earlier, but there is no way I could draw a perfect picture for all of you to see how funny he looked when he was trying to quickly slip into a "clean" pair of jockey shorts...and instead of shorts, he had one leg through the neckhole and out the sleeve of an undershirt and was trying to get his other leg into the other sleeve of the undershirt...It was like a solving a chinese puzzle getting him out of that mess. He could NOT understand why I was trying to get him OUT of the undershirt! And the all time topper story was...loosing one of his tiny hearing aids....and I finally found it far up inside his nostril...so far up, it took almost 30 minutes to get it out. (I was about ready to take him to the ER so they could use their forceps.) It's OUR KIND OFA NORMAL DAY.......
Shanteuse, I had one hearing aid in my hand. When I got close to him, it would ring. As I stepped back, it stopped. I thought he had dropped the one into his shirt, - so I patted him down, no lump. I checked his chair (under the cushion) and it wasn't there. He had to stand up for me to check his chair...and as I stepped close to him it really rang LOUD! ... I had checked his clothes.. up and down, and put my head on his chest to see if that was where the sound was coming from. As I did that, he had to lift his chin up toward the ceiling to make room for my head. (We're the same height).. I looked up toward his face and there was the little red hearing aid...way up inside his nostril...ring, ring, riiiiinnnngggg. It wasn't funny then...That kind cost almost $6000 a pair and it was the second time he lost one. (We've ordered a new kind this past week...larger ones..for about $1000.) He lost the other ones so many time, the special hearing aid insurance people quit paying for their replacement. Tweezers wouldn't open wide enough to get around it, my fingernail couldn't hook onto it, I used all sorts of things. I hate to tell you how I got it out.... (and I was sooooooooo upset then)... I put soft cheesecloth around the end of a tiny shrimp fork..and gently managed to get along side of the aid and flick it down enough that it wasn't lodged in place... One it was dislodged, I could pull it down. It was up to the inside bridge of his nose. The invisible digital hearing aids are about the size of half a Cherry Cough Drop...and that's why I think he threw the other ones into the trash so often. I found them a few times, but often they were wrapped in kleenix and whoosh, they were gone.
I was dreading going to the ER with an 81 year old man, and announcing that he had a hearing aid in his nostril and needed help. I could just imagine how everyone woud have reacted.
Nancy B, maybe you should have taken him to the ER. It would have been a learning experience in extractions for those ER Docs! I worked for ear, nose & and throat Docs and you would be surprised at what we extracted.
now thats funny I don't care who ya are,but I'm thinking you were realy lucky,just think if it had been one of those larger outside the ear aids can you imagine where you might have had to look for that.
Today I "took" 5 of hb's combs (I didn't know he had that many) and his wallet. Oh well, I have to laugh; don't sweat the small stuff and don't EVEN try to reason. Yup, I took 'em, but I don't remember where I put 'em.
The staff at thealzheimerspouse clinic is here for everyone.