Came a time that my guy couldn't get into the barber chair, so I got some clippers and did the buzz cut. He's kind of bald on top anyway, so it wasn't too bad. I got a little set called the 'Peanut' by Wahl. So easy, then trim the back and around the ears. Actually easier than that blasted electric shaver. Ugh, I hate that. I'm a lucky one, cuz he does sit very still, ha!
I've been cutting the hair for 20 years or more so that's not a problem. It may not look like the barber shop but who cares, he certainly doesn't. Getting him in the shower is the problem, though he took 2 last Monday, am and pm. He needs more than 1 a week as he doesn't change his Depends pads until he is soaked through the jeans. Every time I mention he needs to use the bathroom and change his pad and clothes he gets angry and then will not do anything I suggest.
Hubby still shaves himself (when he feels like it!), using shave cream & razor. Don't know how I will ever make the transition from that to electric - but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it, I guess. Thanks for the information about the "Peanut" by Wahl We haven't reached the Depends stage yet - I can't even imagine right now. I need to be thankful for every moment that we're NOT there! MaryinPA - the most surprising thing for me so far has been his anger at almost ANYTHING I suggest. I think my voice has become a clanging gong to him. The minute I open my mouth, he's ready to argue. It's especially pleasant when he asks me a question & before I can even get an answer out, he's on the defensive. Some times I don't even discuss - I tell him this is what we're going to do. I don't give him a choice (he can't make one). I guess I'm getting off topic - sorry!
Thank you, so helpful and as always puts each behavior in perspective. I read every comment and laughed out loud at a couple. This site has probably saved the little bit of sanity I have left, some days are just... well you know. There is so much comfort here in the unity of purpose, each doing his or her best for their loved ones.
You all make me feel better - I also deal with my hubby not wanting to take a shower - or brush his teeth, etc. He still cuts his fingernails and keeps up with it because I keep a calendar on our refrigerator and write on the date he cuts his nails or gets a haircut. We are not to the Depends stage, thank God, but I know it's coming!
I can't get my H to take a shower either and it has been weeks!!!!!!! eek. He really stinks but I can't say anything because he gets upset too! He doesn't do what I say anyway...I can't even stand to be around him but what kills me is he can wash his hair in the kitchen sink!?!?! I almost sprayed him with glade today. haha but I changed my mind. What to do, what to do. I don't think he can even smell it or maybe he can and just doesn't care. YUCK!!!
Awwww Deb, I remember those days, no fun!! I truly think Lynn was afraid of the shower! So I tried baths and even colored the water to help with depth perception as Trisinger suggested. That didn't work either. It was beyond frustrating and if I pushed him it was a guarantee I would end up on the floor. If I filled a bucket with soapy water he would wash that way, and yes wash his hair in the sink, but the shower I think was just too frightening for him. Perhaps that is what your DH is experiencing?
deb deb, omg if it has been weeks? then you have to do something. if hes not cleaning himself properly after bathroom visits too it will cause skin breakdown, sores infection and then you have worse worries to deal with. if you cant get him to bath call in the professionals. even if once a week. they ar trained in getting that done and alot of the time its dealing with us that makes them beligerent and they are more receptive to someone who has experience on how to get it done. i just couldnt live with a stinky man around me. or woman. please try to get some help in to get that done. you may need to medicate a bit more on cleanup days but its worth it. divvi
All of what you said is true Divvi, but I will say that when I did call in the professionals to help, they refused! They said they would not subject their help to Lynn's aggressive behaviors. Though he never touched them, he made it crystal clear he would if they tried to lay hands on him. Even increased medication did not help this behavior. The sponge baths worked well, it was at least better than nothing! I use to have to sneak peaks through where the door knob use to be ( I removed it so he couldn't lock himself in there) and he did a good job cleaning. I truly think he was simply afraid of the water spraying on him.
I am at my witts end divvi, I can't live with this stinky man either but I don't know what else to do! Any thing I say to him he will not do and sometimes I think it is just because I am the one saying it. I have been trying to get outside help for at least two years now and no one will touch him. Mostly because of the aggression but also because of money. I still can't believe the response that I got from the NH here when they said that we have women in our NH and we don't want anyone that is violent in here. That is their job!!! The only thing that I can do is pray that he dies in his sleep so this nightmare will be over. I am so tired of dealing with this on my own. His daughter doesn't even want him! I didn't mean for this to turn into a chance to vent but I haven't talked to anyone at all in a couple of days.
Oh deb this is awful. Have you discussed this with his doctor or the doctor's nurse? As Divvi said this could cause some serious medical problems.
Poor hygene....I thought it was bad because mine would only shower once a week and change his clothes only on Sundays faithfully. He stinks so bad I can barely stand it. Then he walks around blowing farts....bealching...and yawning really really loud. If I say something his comment is "So what"
aww deb i am so sorry to hear how difficult this is for you. it doesnt seem possible that there are no agencies out there for help. i understand they dont want the violence in a facility but even if you got him in one they would medicate him into compliancy. can you speak to his dr and ask that he be taken in to a unit for med evaluation due to aggression? remember if you are fearful for him or you they should help you. i think those are the magic words others have used and got results. if it were me, and at my last straw as you seem to be, i would either, have him committed to a geri psyche unit for med adjustments, or give the meds myself with help from dr until we find one that controls the aggressiion, and allows us to get him cleaned up on a regular basis. that may mean something like ativan to knock him out for a while to allow you to bring in help to get him cleaned up on occasion. its a drastic measure, but sometimes i see it a necessity at times to use the meds to control them for their own benefit. like if they had a toothache that would lead to infection we would have to tranquilize to get that done, so it is for getting their hygiene under control. maybe talk to his dr and explain your resistance to try to help him due to the aggressive nature of his outburts. if you can get him under control medically at some point then the NH would have no objections to you placing him i would think. its no way to live having fear from our spouse. i gave zyprexa over 4mos when DH became this way, and it basically kept him in lalaland but he was docile enough to get compliant behavior. once he passed to a new phase i didnt have to give it anymore. its a mix of cocktails as you read here alot that many of us have to use to finally get them where we need to keep them under control. sometimes that means a stay in a facility over time. and remember many have had them transferrred directly from those units to care facilities as well. i am sure others who have this problem will chime in for some suggestions. divvi
My wife argues with me that she has already bathed, or she will go into the bathroom and just change clothes. I keep an eye on her, but it seems she is constantly irritated with me because of the things I have to make her do or remind her of. She is abit older than me (54) and I am 42, and I feel bad that she is seemingly always aggitated with me over the daily things.
There are a variety of reasons why bathing can be problematic. Many people with dementia become afraid of the bathing routine-getting in/out of the shower/tub because their ability to perceive things changes, also a fear of the water on their face/body. Also they usually lose self awareness and cannot tell that they are not clean. In my hb's case he hates having to be assisted with such a personal activity; I think his desire for privacy contributes to his resistance.
early on i noticed DH has very very sensitive skins sensations with regards to water. it may be that when this disease hits it disturbs the sensory systems and they feel uncomfortable with hot or cold or even tepid for that fact. he would complain of sticking and needlelike prickling. and the privacy issues are surely part of it as well. if you can find a way to keep a towel over privates while bathing it may help too. there are so many reasons or whys but we are in the dark on this one. but its definately a common denominator.
LfL and Divvi, Your answers are in line with my thoughts: it is a tactile sensenation unique to them.
Divvi, I do believe that a towel over the privates would help solve the privacy/respect issue which I hadn't considered.
Husband's lack of self-awareness is a huge issue....he was always clean shaven and bathed regularly but now he's so disshoveled it's embarrassing to be seen in public with him. He manages to clean up for church, but that's the only day of the week he's aware of his grooming. His attitude about self is "so what"...
Divvi, my husband even cries out when I sprinkle powder on him after a sponge bath. Definitely hypersensitive to touch. But miraculously am now able to get him in the shower without a problem. A few years ago I would have to physically push him into the shower...not fun. Have countered sensitivity problem by running the shower until the bathroom becomes warm and by using a hand held shower to start by wetting his legs and slowly getting him used to the sensation. Grab bar for security and with me in the shower with him, he actually enjoys it. NEVER would have believed it after the horrible struggles and screaming we used to have. Have noticed over the years that there is a self protective mechanism I have observed which is almost primal. The more AD progresses the greater are the instincts to self protect. Just wish I could get inside his brain. We know so little.
SCS, thanks for your very interesting observation about their self-protective mechanism, almost primal and that it increases as the disease progresses. That explains a lot. Wish I'd known about it before. But it does help, even now.
Wow - so glad that I'm not alone in this ( actually, I knew I wasn't alone - it's just comforting to me to have others' thoughts, opinions & expressions of the dislike, the repulsion, the horror, if you will, of this aspect of it). All of this is us- we've had more battles over the lack of personal hygiene, have finally given up on everything but the Saturday night "cleansing". He will still shave, maybe once a week - don't know what I'll do when that stops. Maybe just let him have a beard, although he certainly has never been the beard "type". That just won't be worth a confrontation. He had his first little accident the other day, I think he was very embarrassed. He called me to the bathroom, told me what had happened & told me he had to get in the shower to clean himself! I was thrilled that he wanted to do that - it was only afterwards that I realized that he hadn't taken a complete shower with soap. Washcloth wasn't even used. Oh dear! I think most of the time, the need for cleanliness doesn't even compute - or - he honestly thinks he has kept clean all week. I just keep making sure he wears clean underwear, changes pants once in a while, puts on a clean shirt. He doesn't even realize that I'm putting his clothes in the hamper & putting out the clean stuff. I guess I just do what little I can do.
I'm not quite there yet. But he's not taking showers everyday, and yes he needs to. His hair shows it, and he is'nt quite as neat about combing & parting his hair as he was even a month ago. He is wearing the pullups, is partially incontentint so this could become a big problem from what I am reading here. Someone mentioned loud burping, farting, etc., mine does that, I've wondered about what is causing that? I really want that Sunshine tomorrow. Bonnie
I'm starting to have much more FB pain and I think it's connected to the stress we've been going thru, the Dr. said you can't drive to lic. now revoked. It's been a very rough trip ranting and raging. Bonnie
....I used to take a shower with my Helen. she would never wash herself and would use the wash cloth to wash the tile walls of the shower. she would wash the walls while I was trying to wash her. When I turned the shower nozzle on her, she would yell "Stop that...You're getting me all wet" ....Later, she had trouble stepping over the little curb to get into the shower and the hospice lady and myself would wash her while she was standing on plastic carpet covering. ....Hospice sent us a shower chair, but I never could figuer out how to use it. ....I really don't know how important this bathing is. When I was in the army, stationed on Amchitka of the Alutian Chain, I went without bathing all winter long.
George, bathing is not as important as we make it but for those with urine and feces on their skin for a few days, it is important. My husband can no longer wipe himself and the presence of feces on the skin can cause serious bacteria infections, so at least the anus and cheeks need a thorough cleaning 2/3 times a week to prevent skin breakdown, lesions and infections.
I would guess when you were in the army you could at least make sure you had no feces on your bottom and when you could clean yourself you did. As a dementia caregiver. you know it is a serious condition if your LO cannot be cleaned.
Thank you for your service. And even when you were in a foxhole you knew you needed to clean yourself for your own wellbeing. Unfortunately our loved ones don't have that understanding and we must be their advocates.
You are a great man and thank you for all your contributions.
LFL, .....Thank you for correcting me. You are absolutely right. I guess I'm going to have to start thinking a little more about what I'm posting. Just recently, I posted a comment on the AMY GRANT discussion and read it the next day and realized that I had got it all wrong so I had to make a correction. .....Yes my Helen was incontinent during that time. Why Didn't I consider that?..... This has taught me a little lesson that I needed to learn.
George, please don't second guess your postings here. I have started forgetting exactly what we went through when my husband was at home with me (he now lives in an ALF). I'm betting some of the details have faded for you too and,if that is the case, I personally think that is a good thing!
Oh my dear georgieboy, I wasn't correcting you, I was actually supporting your comments that we make too much about bathing. After rereading my post, it sounds strident and that was by no means the tone and message I was trying to get across! I guess I need to review my posts before they are posted to the board so I don't sound like a scolding school teacher!
You're great and offer us wonderful insights, so as Fiona says, don't second guess your postings...just keep sharing your wisdom.