So...I got a caregiver for B. It's just very part-time for now. Mon-Fri for 2 hrs, but it was time. Today was the first day. Last week I went and talked to the lady at the home care agency. She was very sweet and understanding and I filled out the paperwork.
And then I went to the parking lot, and sat in my car and cried. Because it is another loss and it will not be recovered. I know that.
We have a lovely person, who is experienced. B. took it well. I didn't tell him until 15 minutes before she arrived, because otherwise he would have worried too much. He was a little confused, but accepting.
Sometimes it breaks my heart how much he trusts me...such a big responsibility...and dare I say it?...kind of an honor.
Big sigh....of gratitude for the help, the means to procure that help and a wonderful person...and of sadness and loss.
Shoegirl - So sorry you are going through all of this...I can encourage you that you will appreciate the 'freedom' you will have, if you are not working all of the 2 hours he's got a caregiver, plus, you will have PEACE OF MIND for those 2 hours. Hopefully your helper will be just that -- a helper for him, and also for you, taking care of things he can no longer do for himself...again, peace of mind for you. We have a caregiver too & it's been almost a year since I first started having someone just on Friday afternoons...then in March/April of this year, we went to 3 days a week 9am-4pm & now we have those days, plus 2 more from 8:30-12:30...i can actually PLAN to do things, altho the Alz still 'dictates' the plan some days, i.e. bad days I just want to 'stick around' for the peace of mind vs. doing errands, exercising, etc. I hope your caregiver will become a friend and companion to your husband as well...if he has been alone all day, this will bring him comfort too, hopefully. Hugs to you!!
Good for you shoegirl! I am glad you were able to take this step. I definitely think of it as an honor and a privilege to care for Lynn. But yes, a huge responsibility! Best of luck and let us know how it goes for B
Shoegirl, It is good that you recognize that you needed to take this step. I think it will be positive for both of you. My BIL enjoyed when he got a caregiver since it meant he had company and was able to get out during the day while my SIL was at work. However, I know it is so sad to have to admit to further declines. I keep comparing your situation to my own and wonder how far behind we are. What stage do you think B is in or do you know his MMSE? Is B still home alone part of the time? If you feel uncomfortable with any of my questions, do not answer.
we had a caregiver for the first time -EVER- last Wednesday. I had applied to Senior Services Agency program of 15 Low or no cost hours per month. Surprisingly we were able to be signed up and awarded hours in just a little over a months time. DH was "talking" of cooperation before the actual day of having the caregiver come. I had hours designated specifically so that I could attend the "Powerful Tools for Caregivers" series of 6 classes. On Wednesday morning the caregiver was mentioned and DH flip flopped. Started arguing that he didn't need a caregiver. I just let it drop for a while, then told him out of the blue: "you will need to be nice to the young lady coming to sit with you today and keep you company." among other matter of fact comments about me needing to do something and having peace of mind that he wasn't lonely or worrying. I returned almost 4 hours later. All seemed to have gone very well, and DH only complaint was that he was "bored." I admit, I was more scared than DH appeared to be at the moment I left the two of them at home. Like leaving a child at pre-school for the first time.
I had a c aregiver for the first yesterday (it was not a good experience) my husband woke up to find her talking to me and I told him she was here to help me in the house HE WENT BALLISITIC for about an hour would not come into the house took his oxgen off I had to get the meds from thr fridge to rub on his wrists and still did not help. Finally sent her back ask her to try again this morning. He could not settle down yesterday evening he went to his room and would not comeout when our grandson came to vivsit(only 7 and loves his PAPA) .the caregiver was only 22 I might have to get another one. I asked what she did in circumstances like this and she said she had never experienced this before. I also went tru senior services and was given 4 hours a day .I was hoping to go back to work. but he very attached does not want any else. sorry this so long I just wanted to cry and had no one who understood what I was going thru. thanks again for listening....
nanapapa, I'm sorry you had such a bad experience...I didn't know what to expect, but thought that could happen to me too. Maybe if you got someone older? I asked for someone around my age, because I thought he'd be a little more comfortable with that. I'm sure you wanted to cry, I would have too. I am hoping today will be better for you.
Thanks natsmom, I am working during those two hours...but you are right, it is already bringing me peace of mind.
Nikki, nice to see you back...did everything go well while you were away?
New Realm, those classes sound great. And I know what you mean about being scared, like leaving them at school for the first time.
Lizbeth, I don't know B's MMSE but stage-wise he's wavering between 5 and 6 (i think)
Our caregiver is coming back today, we'll see how it goes, I am hoping for the best :)
I too am in this situation. Up until last week when my DH inexplicably dislocated his right ring finger, I have been pretty comfortable leaving him alone for a couple of hours at a time. Of course I wonder what he would have done in this emergency if I had not been there. He doesn't wander or use the kitchen so I thought he'd be safe. He couldn't say how he dislocated (right angle toward the pinky) his finger but I think he did it hitting the light switch in the bathroom. I just can't get myself to pick up the phone to make the call necessary to find a caregiver/companion. I work out of our house so I can be here most of the time. Lately I've just skipped my extra activities (yoga, etc) to stay home with DH. He's beginning to have bathroom difficulties, ie has to be coached through the process. He is still with it enough to be humiliated by this and I hate to have him depend on a stranger. He's between stage 5 and 6 with a minimental of 15. Hiring a caregiver is such a big hurdle for me too.
Hildann, I know what you mean...I found it so difficult and have been putting it off for months. I had a list of home care agencies, but it just seemed so random. I started going to a monthly support group and asked the people attending who they used. A lovely woman told me about the good results she had from a particular agency, even gave me their card and told me who to call. So I did. I'm not sorry. It's only been two days and I am already experiencing a sense of relief.
This morning when I left B. was eating breakfast and our helper was talking to him while cleaning the sliding glass door.
My thought is to get him used to having someone other than me in the house...and then when he does need some additional help with personal care maybe it won't be such a difficult transition.
Shoegirl, that is such great thinking ahead to start having someone at the house now. I struggled for a long time before my DH would agree to have someone at the house and even when it happened, it was by accident. He complained to me that he got lonely when I wasn't home with him. I took that remark and went for getting someone in.
I am so glad I did that. It worked very well for 9 months before I had to place him. There were ups and downs with it but overall, it kept someone here with him to attempt to keep him from getting into too much stuff.
The hard part for me was having a stranger come to the house everyday while I took off to work. She did help with the light housekeeping, some laundry and had him help her with all the chores. It was very nice not to have to vacuum very often while she was here over that time.
I saw a clip on MSN.com last week that was a film of a family living with a grandfather with late stage AD. The caregivers were considered members of the family. They did not wear "uniforms" of any type and were walking around the house bare footed like all the other members. They just seemed to blend in and were not obtrusive in any way. The grand father was very comfortable with them. It just looked so "homey". I hope that I can find someone like that to care for my DH.
Shoegirl, I think it is very wise of you to bring the help in now. I waited too long and Lynn has resisted hard. *eek. For now they are paying my sister who lives with us -to sit with him so I can get a break every now again. I wish I had started way way sooner.
I had a great visit with my sister. I didn't go anywhere... she flew in from Washington State to stay with us. It was fantastic seeing her again! Thanks for asking :)
Good for you Shoegirl, he will get adjusted in notime. and your time off will be a godsend:) i have 4hrs on friday too. love it! just shop for shoes:) divvi
We have a County millage to fund in-home help for seniors to help them stay in their homes. Income based with a sliding fee scale a person 60 or older can qualify for 4 hrs. a week personal care. There are other programs, funded in other ways as well. When my hubby came out of the hospital in 2006, we were set up with some hours within a few weeks, and then in Jan. bumped up to 9 per week. Our helper showers him, runs the laundry, does up the dishes and kitchen; does the grocery shopping, and does all the sweeping, mopping, vaccuuming. He even towels the floors after mopping because wet floors are a hazard for me with my crutches. He has even opted to do a few things for me(I can't request because he's here for hubby)and even will potty the dog or scoop a cat box sometimes. I am in the process of getting my helper (4 hrs a week) set up. Showers for me, bed linen changed, and maybe help with some cooking. I'm trying to cooerdinate things so what each does meshes with the other and they're not both doing the same things. His helper is great at a lot of things, but cooking is not big with him and there isn't really time with all the rest he does. I know how to make things but can't safely get things in and out of the oven. Stirring stiff cookie dough is too hard. Draining a homemade meatloaf, I cannot do. With my helper's help we can have some of the things I used to make, and His helper will help with the cleanup. We can even have Cream Puffs for Christmas.
As a bonus, my hubby will be exposed to one or two more people, who might then be called on when we need respite coverage. He does better when it's someone familiar.
I did as Shoegirl did, started it once a week before he really needed it, so he was accustomed to it. He's quite content when Karen's here. We're about the same build, and coloring, so after she came the first time was when he first didn't know which one I was! and didn't "recognize" me. That's passed, though, he's got us differentiated somehow. She's a committed CNA so she's quite able to deal with him. One thing that hasn't been mentioned here: the "companion" types will not help someone with incontinence problems. Mine's had a degree of urinary incontinence in the daytime (mostly just not remembering to go and not wanting to be prompted) and complete u.i. at night - so rather than get a companion and then change to a CNA, I've gotten the CNA from the beginning.
Now I'm trying to figure out how to persuade him to go to day care a few days a week...
A couple of my posts detailed the search for a caregiver. We worked with 2 or 3 until we found Jane. The service told us that that was normal, and not to feel bad if a caregiver didn't work out.
Ever hear the phrase "you can pick your friends, but not your family"? Well, a caregiver is a family you get to pick. If one comes over and you feel they weren't a good match, don't feel a minute of worry about switching out. Someone will come along that fits like a glove, and you'll love them for the help they give you.
I sill miss Jane; she was wonderful with Andrea. Now Andrea didn't exactly feel the same way...always looked like a little kid who got left at a day care, but it was the only was we survived that phase of care. Some funny stories...I'll have to go back and see if I can find them.
We did the adult day care awhile...Andrea didn't like it, but when you take them in and leave them, well, what can they do?
Good point, Trisinger. We too had 'a couple' of care-givers before finding "Ann Marie"...and she is sooo good with my husband. On her first day here, I left immediately to go to a bootcamp and when I returned, my husband's first words to me were "She's like a breath of fresh air"...talk about heaven!! I immediately called the manager & asked if she was available permanently and for 3 days instead of just one...she was & the rest is history. Things are getting a little harder for my husband, but with Ann Marie, it is bearable. And, she was out last week with one of her kids who broke his collar bone, so we had a couple of days of "substitutes"...it went "fairly well"...change is hard for them, but sometimes it just cannot be helped. I have been thinking of maybe one day a week trying the Adult Daycare again...it was HORRIBLE about a year ago, but thinking my husb might need some more "activities" as he is just constantly pacing most days...even with an hour walk outside in the neighborhood, his pacing is just ridiculous.
Fortunately, my wife is very happy at Adult Day Care. I take her there 3 days a week, sometimes only for the morning, others for all day, depending upon what I have to do. Tomorrow is going to be another experiment. I have a meeting from 5-6:30 and Day Care is not open then. One of the women in our church offered to take my wife for this period. It will be interesting to see how it works out. This woman offered several times to help, but then got specific, so I took her up on it.