You are right. I did post and delete. I vented and then I felt bad or guilty or shameful. I felt as though I was betraying my spouse of 35 years, a man who has been in my life for 43 years who is now so helpless and dependent, yet at the same time, so exhausting and his behavior has made me feel trapped. Simply stated, I had a transformational evening and have begun to accept that I am ready to share his care with a supported living home and when the opportunity opens up, I will most likely take it. I understand that I may not be the one with dementia, but I am sick. I have very little joy or anticipation for anything anymore and I need to take some steps to make a change. A very wise and kind administrator at the group home told me that i wouldn't be giving up caregiving, but I would be sharing the care with them. He also said that when I have some time to restore and replenish, I will be bringing a higher quality of care and love when I spend time with my husband. That idea has really resonated with me and allowed me the freedom to "accept the things I cannot change" and above all, have the courage to make the change. I feel a little better today and ready to make it the best day I can for myself and my husband. I know there will be some surprises: hope I can handle them with grace. You fellow travelers in this journey are amazing and thank you for caring.
Beth, This may not be the politically correct thing to say, but maybe this is the time when you need to turn over day to day care to someone else—someone who is not so personally involved with your husband. I don’t think that we have to torture ourselves forever to provide care to our loved ones. I know that my husband would not want me to deal with what you are having to deal with all the time.
I know that many people want to keep their loved ones at home until the very end, but sometimes you just can’t. When being a caregiver is emotionally damaging to us, we have to give ourselves permission to make arrangements for them to be cared for by people who aren’t hurt by their behavior.
I know there are sometimes meds that can help with behaviors, but sometimes they don’t work, and sometimes you can’t afford the time for them to work. Please remember that you have rights and feelings, too, and you are entitled to peace and joy in your own life.
(I seem to have lost your post, but wanted to respond to it, anyway.)
Your discussion title and post are empty. It says it was edited. Were you trying to delete all of it? Please re-post so we can respond. If you would prefer that the topic and your post be deleted, let me know, and I will do it. I am the only one who is able to totally delete topics and comments.
beth, I don't know what you said, or why you want to remove it. But it is OK. It is OK to vent. It is OK to say the unthinkable. This is a safe place and you are not alone.
Beth, my husband has been in a nursing home for 5 years now and I still miss him here in this quiet, empty home that I live in alone . However, I know I can't take care of him and that he is getting good care in the VA home that is his home now. Whenever I go to visit, I can spend my time with him without having to be concerned with his bodily needs or all the medical needs that he has. I sstill am actively involved in being his advocate at t he home. I too have been married for a long time, since we were eighteen, 57 years and he was my dear love and best friend. HOpefully you will remember those good years you had w ith yo ur DH and try to go on with y our new life alone. You now can adapt to this life thrust upon you and you must my dear. You have done your best for your love.