I looked to see if we already had an old thread about dealing with the holidays, but the two short threads just were not general enough, so I'm starting this one.
This will be the first year that I won't really be celebrating the holidays. Two years ago things were more or less normal. We went on a Cruise in late November right after Thanksgiving. We had been to our daughter's home for the big Thanksgiving dinner and they came to hour house for several days for Christmas. Although I knew something was wrong, things were basically normal. We started our diagnosis journey in January; he was diagnosed in May.
Last year we tried to do Thanksgiving at my daughter's house. It was OK, but as the days went on, he got more and more agitated because not only is there Thanksgiving, but our grandson's birthday party the Saturday after as well. Too many people. Too much stuff. We didn't know it, but it would be the last long drive we would do as well.
Christmas was hard also. He just could not handle the all the presents or all the stuff going on, and there are only 5 of us all together. I can imagine what a larger group would have been like. He wanted to buy me presents, and I managed to arrange for him to do that at a book store where they had set up gift wrapping right near the exit.
This year it is obvious that none of the above is going to happen. He didn't understand his birthday in February, or mine in April.
So, the question is, what do those of you who have been on this journey longer than me do so YOU have some of the pleasures of the holidays? What works for you?
Starling I do so know where you are. Bill is placed so that problem is over for me, sadly. I do not look forward to the holidays. Of course they will never be the same. At first I thought I would do everything new and different. That did not work. Traditions bring comfort. I will have most of my family at my house and we will prepare all our familiar foods and pies. The first year I brought Bill goodies from home but I no longer do so as he is so far gone into his own world that it makes no difference. I will never understand how a gone brain can still support a healthy body.
Starling I was just sitting here thinking about what my DH said to me last night right before I left the NH. "Am I going to be here for the holidays"? I said yes well with that came the tears from both of us. I want to take him home. I don't want to disappoint him again. It will be our first time not in our home together. He is so good mentally there in the NH and the doctor said is that he has nothing to worry about whether the lawn needs mowed and he can't remember how to start it. The spouting needs cleaned before winter and he is afraid of heights which he never used to be. I am so sad because in the back of my mind I didn't want to think about what was just a few months away "The Holidays" I will need major support as well as many others here I suppose when they"The Holidays" are here and we can't ignore them or think about them later. My DH won't be able to buy me anything from the nursing home so I had a brain storm that he can color some holiday pages and we can sign them and mail them. Don't know if he will go for that or not but it might get him involved enough to know he helped in some way. Any other suggestions? No hobbys, no computer, the only thing he knew was driving truck.
Jenene-when my husband was more alert my family mailed a gift wrapped present to the facility so Bill would have something to give me. Sadly even a year ago he couldn't comprehend the action. Isn't this disease the pits.
Last year, I did a whole series on the Holidays - reducing stress for the AD patient; reducing stress for the caregiver; how to handle relatives and other company; how to AD proof your house. I posted a whole side section topic on it, and will put it up again this year. I was planning on putting it up on November 1st, right after Halloween.
Joang to the rescue again. Thanks so much and I will look forward to reading it and getting suggestions. I do worry about over stimulation since everything is quite boring calm and controlled Well the occasional outbursts from the other end of the hallway are getting more common place and I don't jump to see if I can help her because the nurses always beat me getting to her instead so that is comforting knowing that when my DH needs attention that he will get it. I would like to have a get together. The NH has told me that we can have a private room and cook or have takeout or what ever just make sure to get on the list.
I think I will have a series of get togethers--just one kid with their families at a time rather than a big huge affair. He gets kind of aggitated with a lot of people. There will be one big party with everyone there--perhaps 25 people. I doubt if he'll want to go. If it's possible, I'll get a ride over and visit for a while with everyone and then get a ride home. That will do me for this year. I think it's going to be just fine.
We will have one family dinner at Thanksgiving at our house and maybe another at one of the girls. The kids are mostly grown so it is pretty calm. Same at Christmas. DH and I have not exchanged gifts in years. If we wanted something we just bought it (if we could afford it) The kids and us do a gift exchange of sorts with each one attending getting one gift. We have no local family except for our kids. I gave up buying gifts a few years ago and give the grandchildren money instead. Easier and they appreciate it more.
Christmas Eve daughter hosts a adults only dinner at her house and there will be 6 of us attending. She lives next door. This is basically what we have done for years. Of course, who knows what the situation will be then. I haven't even thought about it until this thread came on.
last Christmas my DH was a nightmare. It was the height of his delusional period. He wouldn't give me one minute of time alone. He made my attempts to Christmas shop WITH him scary, and even nerve wracking. He became intimidating, and my kids were very sad and upset. Thank God for the On Call PCP who was willing to order Risperdal. Got that on board on Christmas Eve. Thank God too for our two grown kids who lived in other states. They had sent packages in the mail, and that was all I had to put under the tree. Those gifts and the Risperdal saved Christmas for the kids and I. My two teens primary gifts from DH and I were given to them in the form of envelopes hanging on the tree with a picture of their most coveted gift. In the days following Christmas I had to sneak off with one of them at a time while the other stayed home to "Parent-sit." Christmas day had actually turned out far better than it appeared was going to be. Just a couple days prior to Christmas a sister-in-law (my brothers widow) had a Christmas party with ornament exchange. Last year was the first time we didn't make it, except that someone did come and pick up my son. I was glad someone from our house could go to represent us. When I went to pick son up, after DH fell asleep my sister gave me a hug, asked how I was, and all I could do was bust out crying......in front of twenty-plus people. I never, NEVER want to relive last Christmas. I still want to cry when I think about it.
This year DH is much further progressed, and today was the first time EVER that we had a caregiver. DH was a horrible monster in the morning because I mentioned that a caregiver was coming so that I could go to a class and not worry about him. I exploded with anger toward him, and I sulked a great deal. Then I rethought my response to this and decided he could NOT take away anymore of my life. I played it cool for about a half hour and casually stated, "You need to be very nice to the young lady who is coming to keep you company. She really needs the money from this job, and she is really sweet." He didn't balk, she arrived, and he didn't act up in front of her. When I got home his only complaint was that he was bored just sitting here with her.
So, since we had a caregiver today for the first time, and nobody died, well I am actually looking forward to this coming Christmas. My Granddaughter, son and dil will be here this year. That is special. And I can see myself having a fun and rare opportunity to Christmas shop for my Granddaughter.
My personal care assistant will be on board, so I will be able to make Cream Puffs (a tradition at our house). Our daughter and her husband live in CA so their gifts will be sent well before hand. A couple friends and family members will stop by during the holidays. The day itself will be quiet. I'll have on hand the traditional things we have: sliced ham, potato salad, baked beans. A Birthday Cake for the Baby Jesus. In the morning I'll bring all the gifts ( from daughter, and my sister in TX, mostly) to the table and start opening mine. He always balks, but I just tell him he can open his whenever, and pretty soon curiousity overcomes. I'll do what shopping I can--online, at store or have a friend pick up.(Won't be much this year--just lost my little parttime job). In the afternoon, I'll make calls while he naps.
For the last several years, I've done my shopping on line, or via catalogue, so that's easier. Thanksgiving we have at my son's, christmas at my daughter's and they are both within an hour (barring traffic). My DH actually does very well with company, he's always been very social, so far, so I'm hoping that will keep up. he does get tired, and at either home is free to go and lay down in one of the bedrooms. He does do that at my daughters, not so much at son's, but over all he holds up pretty well. I don't make it too long however, so he won't get too exhausted. He was dx 5 or 6 yrs ago, and the meds have truly slowed down deterioration, I don't know for how much longer, because now he's getting worse pretty quickly. The worst holiday we've had was Thanksgiving on namenda. Namenda caused him to become more confused, and he just had no idea where he was or who those people were. It was really tough. Obviously, that med was stopped. It's really funny though, because, he actually does better when we have others around than when we are alone, I'm just not stimulating enough. ;)
THis is my off yr not to decorate much or put up a big tree at our home. i will be decorating my moms home though as our family will have thanksiving and xmas there this yr. we will have a group of about 15 too. DH has done pretty well now without AD meds around groups of people. he esp didnt like young children on them but now for unknown reasons he smiles and loves to just 'watch' everyone and listen to conversation. we are doing a small name exchange too -i am looking forward to both holidays not having to host it at my house! last yr i went all out and decorated like disneyland. i will only put out a few festive things and probably the tiny little tree for DH -divvi
My husband still does well around people, although he prefers to be able to control the extent of the interaction. He loves to people-watch, he just doesn't like to be in the middle of a crowd. We've never developed much of a holiday tradition ... trying to run a company that relies on Government grants means the work load is especially heavy around the end of the year, 80-90 hour weeks including some work on Thanksgiving and Christmas themselves. However, we usually laid plans for dinner at a favorite restaurant, often a very nice little restaurant at the zoo which has a small, but good, wine cellar, excellent food, and an outdoor dining patio with a waterfall and stream, and lots of exotic plants, often a few ducks visiting from up north. Then we wander around the zoo a bit and visit our favorite animals. He's just told me he'd like to do that for Thanksgiving this year, so I'll make reservations soon. (They always sell out -- many of the locals go there for holidays.)
As for a Christmas tree, I gave that up the first time one of my cats decided to climb it. What a mess! <grin>
Last year my DH was in a "place" I didn't understand at the time. He was just totally uninterested in any of the holidays. He had always loved decorating the outside of the house and he wouldn't do anything and so I said OK I am not decorating inside either. Well, that will not happen again. I now know that he didn't decorate outside because he had forgotten how to put things together. I am going to get a new little tree with the lights already on it and at least do the inside. When I think of how he loved doing all the holidays I really get sad knowing he will never ever be able to do that again.
Tom and I use to decorate with lights galore inside and out. Cooking, baking together..family and friends......
Than my daughter who has a large home, three kids and a husband who loves having family around, took over. But we would go there and enjoy.
Last year we put up a fake tree. Decorated it modestly and I bought presents for our dog. She loves opening presents and Tom loves watching her. The family gathered at my daughters and we stayed home. : )
Tom told me this year he wants to put a tree up put outside with lots of lights instead of in the house. : ) I said " that's a good idea!"
We have two dogs now. Lilly will be one in Dec. and Mag will be 5. They are large dogs, we call them our girls and I'm MOM to Tom and the girls. It works. : ) So I will focus on making the holidays a great time for my "little" family.
The rest of the family all understand and one family at a time will find a good day to stop in for a short visit.
You know, I miss the way it use to be, but I've accepted what is, thankful for the memories of what was and make the best of what I have today.
We didn't have a program like that in grade school or junior high. I did have a couple of teachers who let me do my own thing at my own pace, rather than disrupt the class for everyone else (I nearly went insane with boredom in phonics classes until they had the sense to do that ... I'd learned to read years before), and some asked me to help tutor those who were struggling, but it wasn't anything formal. I didn't ever see anything unusual about it -- my older sister, wow, was SHE ever something! so I figured I was pretty ordinary by comparison. High school, there were advanced placement classes. I don't remember whether I elected to take those, or got assigned, but all my classes were advanced, plus I usually did "extra-credit" projects. Again, my older sister had already made her mark, and being in her shadow was tough.
I felt REALLY sorry for my younger sister, coming along behind the two of us!
After I left, they decided that students who are challenged don't get enough stimulation if they're separated from the more gifted students, so they went back to putting everyone in the same classes. I've always wondered, though, whether that penalizes the gifted ones ... ?
Well, in theory, Kadee, it helped them. I'd have to agree with you, though. I've heard too many stories about challenged students being tormented for being different.
Today my husband said, it's fall, when are we going to get pumpkins? Well, he's NEVER wanted pumpkins before, since the kids were grown and gone. We used to have a very elaborate Halloween open house with all the neighborhood tromping through our "haunted" house, amateurish by today's standards, but kids loved it and he participated in doing it. But since they outgrew it, we've cut back to nothing.
BUt today we went and bought pumpkins. And I'm putting the harvest corn on the door - a New England tradition we've long since accepted.
And he's looking forward to Thanksgiving which means family coming down and has included our Ukrainian "family" ever since they came 14 years ago.
We've had a lovely fall. The leaves look beautiful against blue sky, which we've had a lot of. When it's grey you think the fall doesn't have any color at all. What with the blue sky, and the harvest moon, it's enough to raise anyone's spirits, even if they're singing (or thinking) September Song.
When I put up my HOLIDAY CAREGIVER TIPS last year, I started with Thanksgiving. I did not mention Halloween, but I'm thinking that has to be a very disturbing night for later stage AD patients. All the door bell ringing, and weird costumes.
Since everyone is talking about the holidays so early this year, I will put up the Holiday Caregiver Section earlier than Nov. 1st. as I had originally planned.
Good morning everyone, My husband has always dressed up for Halloween to go with our children and now our grandson. last year he walked to 2 houses and had to turn back ,he had trouble breathing and all the noise and door bells going off it upset him. My grandson told his mother this week he did not want to go trick-or -treating with out PaPa(he is 7) he started to cry and said it wouldn't be any fun. my daughter convinced him he go and then come back and help PaPa give out candy I hope my husband will be up for this at least for our grandson's sake. It is really hard to think of all the traditions that no longer exit without those who made them traditions. thanks for listening....each holiday at a time....
I have always been the one in the family that loved loved the holidays Decorations galore, stockings for all - about 30 + of us! But since my Dad died in March I can't even begin to think about managing this year. I have been thinking of "using" Lynn's AD as an excuse not to attend gatherings and dinners.
We have the two children living with us, I imagine their enthusiasm might rub off on me. We will have a traditional Christmas for them of course. As for Lynn, he hasn't been able to shop for or remember the holidays for years and years. I get a few gifts for him to give me and convince him he bought and wrapped them. I have been re-gifting the same gifts to him for 4 years now LOL
Last year we had our traditional Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve party. Then we had Christmas at home with the kids. Lynn slept through most of it sadly. But, it was nice for the kids. They are great with their uncle and were wonderful about saving a couple of gifts for when he woke for dinner. This year I would like to just have a simple Christmas at home.
As for Halloween.... I leave a bowl full of candy outside so there is no need for the bell to ring all night. Much easier!
Nikki, I'm like you. I basically have told my daughter that Christmas will be very small around here. I want her family at some point in December and they are thinking about taking my grandson to the Thomas Train event that is close to us in early December. That will work out very well. They would be gone most of Saturday, but we would have Friday night, Saturday night, and part of Sunday with them.
I'll be mail ordering presents from Amazon who drop ships. The first group for my grandson's birthday right after Thanksgiving, and another in mid-December, plus anything I buy in November and wrap so they can take it with them when they come.
I'm going to try to find a Thanksgiving buffet for the two of us to go to. He likes eating out. I've asked for stockings for the two of us from my daughter and I'll get a present or two for my husband to open and that, frankly, will be that.
For Halloween, we used to carve our own pumpkin, but no more. I have a Jack 'o Lantern with a light bulb in it that plugs in and I set it on a table on the carport. When the kids come to the door, my husband gets a kick out of looking at them in their costumes - he smiles a lot at them. He does not pass out the candy - my daughter and I do. It's only from 6-8, so it's not bad here.
As for Thanksgiving, my son and his wife are coming up and cooking it at our house. They love to cook, as does my grandson, so I'm turning my kitchen over to them. My husband and I can watch them and relax. There will only be 6 of us - all adults, so it should be okay.
Christmas last year was just the three of us, and normally we pass out the presents and take turns opening them so we can enjoy seeing the expressions of others when our gifts are opened. (It's a long wait when there are 12 of you!- However, the kids would play with the one that they just opened until they could open the next one!) Last year, my husband opened one right after the other and wouldn't wait. My daughter and I decided we wouldn't even try to stop him this year - just let him open all of his and then we would take turns opening ours! He's like a child again with gifts!
We had a problem with him taking down some of the outdoor lights around the carport that my son and another grandson had put up last year - after they left - they hadn't done it his way, but then he could not put them back up his way! As to the Christmas tree, we bought an artificial tree last year for the first time, and it worked well. My daughter and I have decided that this year, since he has lost so much in his abilities and likes to rearrange the ornaments on the tree, that we would only put on the inexpensive ones this year and keep the keepsake ornaments packed. We're keeping it quiet this year without the family coming. They are in England, Texas and Hawaii, so everyone is staying home for Christmas this year.
Last year on Christmas morning, a television station broadcast a fireplace with a fire going and Christmas music in the background for three hours. I thought it was so neat! My TV was a fireplace! Well, I recently found the DVD on Amazon and ordered it, so I can have a nice fire with Christmas music throughout the holidays this year!
Maybe this fits better in what those who lost our spouses will do, but I've already come up with a plan to serve Christmas dinner for the homeless. I hope to help out at the Food Bank during the holiday season, since it isn't just one day that is particularly lonely when your spouse is in a NH or has died. In this economy there isn't even any shopping except for the little ones. Thanksgiving is covered since I am taking the train to San Diego and will be with my son, his wife, and toddler. I'm already looking forward to a roasted chicken since turkey is way too much for three adults and one little one!
I'm glad you checked in! I have been told that the first holiday season without your loved one is the hardest. I think you have chosen a special way to celebrate the holidays this year. In this economy, I'm sure that there are more families who will be in need of the food bank.
Our last Christmas where he understood it at all was 2 years ago. He liked the idea but was overwelmed with all of his gifts. One of the nice things we did that year was find special gifts from him for the grandchildren. His niece told me about how much she liked the pocket knife that was her father's. Everytime she looked at it, she thought of him. He thought that was very nice so his grandson got a pocket knife that he had had for years and used often and he picked out a gold heart locket for each of the granddaughters.
He always thought that Halloween was stupid and a waste of time. However, right before his last Halloween home, we had had some landscaping done and they had put in lighting on the sidewalks and a couple of neat lampposts. That year it was 65 degrees on Halloween night. He had a ball talking to all the neighbors about the work that had been done and how much he liked it. He even had fun with all the kids costumes. It was such a turnaround from his normal attitude, that it made that last Halloween a good memory.
I normally do Thanksgiving for the family. The last few years, it has been a lot for him to have everyone around. Too much noise and too much happening for him to enjoy it. The funny part was that once dinner was on the table and everyone seated, he would usually calm down and be able to enjoy it with us. Last year he was in a psych ward over Thanksgiving. We all missed him.
The Holiday Stress Relief Section is now up on the left side of the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com. I will be adding to it. The article links from last year are no longer working, so I will put up new ones soon.
It replaces the Hurricane and Disaster preparation section, which I took down because Hurricane season is just about finished. Then it occurred to me that snowstorm/blizzard season is upon most of the rest of the country, so I will put that one back up in a few days.
Joan, if the snowstorm/blizzard preparation section doesn't include any reference to that Black and Decker Storm Station, it might be a good addition. I hadn't ever heard of anything like that before, and it would have been a great thing to have when a blizzard knocked out the electricity. (I don't have to worry about blizzards any more, thank heaven!!!)