.. and maybe tomorrow he'll have forgotten all about it!! I'm sure my husband can't remember getting married either. I'm just a nice person who takes care of him. DOes your husband's sister know what's going on?
Mine has delusions all the time. I just have to play along with him. Think up reasons that things can't be given away: the doctor says you need the computer for your health. Or to take care of him. Or to communicate with the martians who are in control now. I hate to say it because I know you're upset, and of COURSE you are, but if you can try to make a game of it it helps. So does lying.
Also, If you have not read the "dementia experience" article (most of the way down on the left of the home page where there's someone with a life jacket - READ it. Yes, I know it's long. But it helps to understand where they're coming from.
I am new to all of this and my hubby is still in early stages, so far he is working, and driving. He is only 58 but he gets so frustrated when he does not remember and can't do things he use to do. It is so hard to watch him suffer, I can only imagine what is yet to come. Bless you both.
FayeBaye - I just wanted you to know that I read your posting...sometimes venting is exactly what I need on this site too. It really helps! I have no answers but I am getting a LITTLE better at joining my husband's world in the moments when I need to cope with something odd that he has said. At first and sometimes still I felt like I was lying, but now I'm realizing more and more that I'm just joining his world just enough to cope and come up with "reasons" to keep him doing what is best for both of us. I have to take care of him and if I'm in a mess I won't be able to do that...so I have to say and do whatever is needed to keep him AND me safe and functioning well.
I hope tomorrow will be better for you even though he can't and won't remember some of the important things about you. We care here...so keep coming back and venting whenever you need to - that's my plan for me. JT
Its hard to keep our wits about us when we're tired and overwhelmed. ESPECIALLY for me, when everything is HIS and he can do as he pleases because its HIS. He's worked for IT, He's paid for it..so its HIS. I grit my teeth and try not to comment, but sometimes its just so incredulous that I just can't stand it. We've all worked. We've all paid and sometimes when my guard is down, this just knocks my wind out. THEN, after an hour or etc, he's forgotten about it, will be excited about showing me a rock or a weed or whatever and I'm still reeling from the other ordeal.
Nothing makes sense in this game. The second we feel that it does and that we've got a strategy that works, the game changes.
Hoping the tide turns and things are better for you this day.
Fayebay-I remember way back too there were times when DH would claim everything and say it was all his. maybe its due partly to the 'hoarding' instinct that comes with AD. its very hurtful i know to hear after so many yrs that they have no clue you are the one who helped build this life and shared so many yrs. yet, on the other hand, the sooner you take the plunge into the deep end where he's at mentally and emotionally, you will make your life more tolerable. there is no reasoning button any longer so all i can suggest is you just agree like -, 'yes, this house is yours-can i share it with you?" or 'i just love YOUR cat"..and the computer the idea Briegull gave was good, 'for our health to stay in contact with drs" was a good one. you must become very creative and give up the notion of what was, and gather yourself for war against the disease , and what is NOW. circumstances and functions are not going to change, only your own outlook how you will approach this journey can change. most of us have been where you are struggling to hold on to the past relationship in our minds of how it used to be. like many have said before the beginning stages are the hardest -you are hit in the face with the reality of how harsh the effects of dealing with this disease can be. i am hoping your transition can become easier. divvi
I've gone through the "it's MINE!" stage as well, including some things that couldn't possibly be his. And it is very, very frustrating.
I have no practical suggestions for you except to remember that the rational button is broken. That is one of the really early symptoms of the disease. In fact most of the time it is fully broken before a diagnosis is made, which makes it one of the hardest parts of the disease to deal with.
It is OK to vent. This is a safe place to vent. It is almost impossible to say anything here that some of us haven't already said, and most of us have already thought.
This disease takes them back into their childhood, to the time before they met us. Sounds like that is where he is at now. He can't help it it is just the disease process. My husband was like a baby when he passed.
FayeBay, I've forgotten whether we've talked about this ... do you have all your legal/financial paperwork in place? Durable Power of Attorney, Advance Healthcare Directive, will/trust, HIPAA waiver, etc? Is your name on all bank/investment accounts? Because if you haven't taken care of this yet, it sure sounds as if you should consult an elderlaw attorney ASAP.
Venting about things that happen are definitely good for you, and please keep doing so ... but taking steps to protect yourself is even better.
Guess we've all gone thru this. My hair used to stand on end when my husband would say "his house" and "his car". Ours is a second marriage and I had as much money as he did. I finally learned to ignore it as he'll remember later. We bought this house new 20 years ago and once in awhile he'll say that he and his Dad built it. His Dad has been dead over 40 years and never built a thing in his life.
if you are handling the finances you best open that new account asap-he will be able to go to the bank and write a check and clean it out at any time. read some of the other posts and there are lots of issues with them doing things like this and getting you and him into financial difficulties or worse, depleting savings accounts and running up big credit cardx. you could transfer the monies from one act to another and pay bills from that one and just leave a min amount there..if he sees balances just say " i used it up paying bills this month." or house insur or dr bills. anything. good luck, this is one of the hard parts to surpass. divvi
In addition, several of the people on this forum who went through the stage you are going through had all of the bills changed to online bill paying. In addition some of them got post office boxes for everything except the junk mail.
I didn't have this particular problem, although my husband literally spent thousands of dollars on wine before he was diagnosed. I do have some mail issues, but mostly things are OK. I'm passing on what has worked for people who have had your problems.
I opened a separate checking account at our bank. I explained to the people there why I was doing it and they worked with me to keep us solvent. This worked well for me because I had the entire staff looking out for us. There really are home town banks around where decisions can be made at branch level and where I am known by name.
There have been a lot of people who have been where you are now. Here is how they said they handled it:
They went to the bank, talked to the manager, gave him a copy of the POA, opened a separate checking account in their name and had all but $50 transferred into it. They cut up all credit cards that had not expired and let him keep the credit cards that HAD expired. They let them have some cash for their wallet - either $20 in one dollar bills, or two tens, etc. - so that they felt that they had money. Some let them pay for dinner out and then replaced the money in their wallet once they got home.
The AD minds are going through fast changes at this stage, and it is the hardest emotionally because YOU KNOW that they have Alzheimer's and don't remember, but they are saying things that are obviously untrue and yet you WANT to lash out at them even though you know it's not them, it is the disease. Say to yourself 50-100 times a day "The reason button is broken" because you can't reason with them, explain to them, or argue with them. It just creates more stress on both of you and is so difficult.
My husband was not the way yours is in verbally denying the marriage at that stage - yet now he doesn't know my name, his name or that we are married. I'm just the person who is his lifeline and he knows I'll take care of him. I get a lot of kisses and hugs!
You might do a 3 ring binder notebook and put pictures in protective sheets - that show your engagement pictures, wedding pictures, pictures of your children when they were babies and growing up, and some trips you have taken together. Every few nights my husband and I look through it. Sometimes I think he remembers something, other times he doesn't.
I hope you will take care of the banking very quickly. Others have learned the hard way that it can ruin your finances!