Cute dog story! An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, 'Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare cheques. I'd really rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter says, 'Your timing is excellent.We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $90,000 a year.'
The guy, wide-eyed, says, 'You're Sh**tin' me!'
The Social Worker says, 'Yeah, well... You started it.'
After being married for 40 years, I took one careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 40 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-9-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21 year-old gal."
"Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 61 year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 21 year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your midlife crisis.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean that one out of five enjoys it? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells 'THEIRS'? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~* YOU, make it a great day!
Lord, please keep Your arm around my shoulders and Your hand over my mouth. Amen
tour bus driver taking a bunch from an old folks home when a little old lady comes up to him an offers an handful of peanuts,he gladly accepts an eats all of them,she again appears an offers another handful,after three or four times the driver asks her why don't you an the others eat the peanuts to which she replied,Oh we can't chew the nuts but we all love the chocolate on the outside
This is my own little joke. Everyone knows how stressed I am, and how much I have taken in the name of "the driving issue", but I did come up with a little humor on my own.
I honestly believe that when Sid dies, he will come back to life for a couple of minutes, sit up in the casket, and say - "I can drive myself to the cemetery."
I can relate to that Joang. Years ago we had a old pickup is much disrepair and rust, floorboards out and dh would not part with HIS truck, and it did run like a new one I told him and everybody we were going to bury him in it when he died. (This was before AD) (But, do be VERY careful Joang. Tempers worry me more than almost anything else. You read bad things in the paper every day.)
Subject: Fw: Spread the Stupiity > > Only in America ......do drugstores make > the sick walk all the way to the back of > the store to get their prescriptions > while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. > > Only in America ......do people order > double cheeseburgers, large fries, and > a diet coke. > > Only in America ......do banks leave > both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. > > Only in America ......do we leave cars > worth thousands of dollars in the > driveway and put our useless junk in the > garage. > > Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs > in packages of ten and buns in packages of eigh > > Only in America ......do we use the word > 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning > 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. > > Only in America ......do they have > drive-up ATM machines with Braille letterin > > EVER WONDER .... > > Why the sun lightens our hair, > but darkens our skin > > Why women can't put on mascara with > their mouth closed > > Why don't you ever see the headline > "Psychic Wins Lottery > > Why is "abbreviated" such a long wor > > Why is it that doctors call what they do > "practice > > Why is lemon juice made with artificial > flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? > > Why is the man who invests all your > money called a broke > > Why is the time of day with the slowest > traffic called rush hou > > Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food
> Why didn't Noah swat those two > mosquitoes? > > Why do they sterilize the needle for > lethal injection > > You know that indestructible black box > that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of > that stuff?! > > Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? < > > Why are they called apartments when > they are all stuck together? > > If con is the opposite of pro, is > Congress the opposite of progress? > > If flying is so safe, > why do they call the airport the > terminal? >
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket in Houston, Texas and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, 'Some butt-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
' Louisiana , sir.' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Louisiana ?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there.'
'Really?' said the manager, 'My wife is from Louisiana .'
'No joke!?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
This one is a little naughty.... I hope no one is offended....
New Diet Program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10-lb weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door, and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss Company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20-pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50-pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it, he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.. Upon hearingthat her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to hergrandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied 'Hehad a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years oldhaving sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing ouradvanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the churchbells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slowand even. Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on theDong.' She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd stillbe alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'
United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '
*************************************
'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
***************************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
***********************************
'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
***********************************
'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'
******************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'
****************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
****************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'
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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
What's this about his feeling safer -- safer from what? Having a little something going with the ladies is certainly not something to feel threatened by in my book! And by the way, do you think it's possible to fall in love with someone you've never met -- I think I may be in love with Sunshyne.....
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter,
the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.' The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly .
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. he too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red . She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. ! And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was in the prince's pants? (Scroll down for the answer)
M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking??
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don ' t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you ' re talking to them. New shoes don ' t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Sunshyne, i doubt i can be of any help -i am sure once Chipper sets his eye on you i dont think anyone else has a cotton pickin chance!! he's in luvvvvvvvvvvvvvv:)))) and hes never laid eyes on you. only your brain...and believe me dealing with AD a brain is a powerful aphrodisiac...:::)))))divvi
Charlie - your summation of life is so so true. Life would be so much simpler for me if I could find pants with pockets, stop carrying a purse and didn't have to put on make-up along with a zillion other things I can't think of right now.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says. A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit!', the Rottweiler ate her!
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?" "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
>THE DEAN >Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, iis more powerful than a locomotive, >is faster than a speeding bullet, >walks on water, >gives policy to God.
>THE DEPARTMENT HEAD >Leaps short buildings in a single bound, iis more powerful than a switch engine, >is just as fast as a speeding bullet, >walks on water if the sea is calm, >talks with God.
>PROFESSOR >Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, iis almost as powerful as a switch engine, iis slower than a speeding bullet, >walks on water only in an indoor swimming pool, ttalks with God if special request is approved.
>ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR >Barely clears a quonset hut, >loses tug of war with a locomotive, >can fire a speeding bullet, >swims well, >is occasionally addressed by God.
>ASSISTANT PROFESSOR >Makes high marks on wall when trying to leap tall buildings, iis run over by locomotive, >can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury, ddog paddles, >talks to animals.
>GRADUATE STUDENT >Runs into buildings, >recognizes locomotives two out of three times, iis not issued ammunition, >can stay afloat with a life jacket, >talks to walls.
>UNDERGRADUATE >Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings, ssays "look at the choo-choo", >wets himself with water pistol, >plays in mud puddles, >mumbles to himself.
>DEPARTMENT SECRETARY >Lifts tall buildings and walks under them, kkicks locomotives off the track, >catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them, ffreezes water with a single glare, >she IS God!
This is not really a joke but I did get a little giggle out of it. Today our insurance agent stopped by to drop off a policy for me. He sat down and talked with me a little while my husband kind of hovered in the background. After we had gone over the paperwork, the agent stood up and my husband looked square at him and said "you can leave now". I apologized to the guy (he knows my husband has dementia) who said no problem--but I don't think he will ever overstay his welcome at my house. :)
bluedaze--yes, most of the time the bluntness does make me want to crawl under a rock but for some reason today (maybe because this particular agent is very, very talkative and would go on for hours if you let him) it kind of made me giggle in my head.
Yesterday, we had a FTD blunt statement. As we were walking into the Neurologist office a lady was smoking outside, right in front of her my husband says in a very loud voice, "LOOK AT HER SMOKING" I tried to hush him & walked a little faster into the building.
As they say about children, "Out of the mouths of babes"..... I think more smokers need to be singled out. I hate having to hold my breath when I'm leaving office buildings and forced to walk through the fog of smoke directly beyond the doors.
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11-year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to him to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So what was
wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless I inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Richard grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down, he said, and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: ID10T I used to like the little brat.....