For all of us who are seniors – for all of you who know seniors – and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!
And, speaking of senior moments:
'WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?' The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
'Ma'am,' said the newspaper employee, 'today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.'
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition… as she was heard to mutter, 'Well, ...... so that's why no one was at church today.'
Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't," he replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "here's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw theminto boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well, I tried<" he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
Hope this doesn't offend anyone, I wasn't sure if I should post it or not. If anyone is offended, please let me know I will delete.
Annual Physical 70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Jim wanted an unusual pet so he went to the pet shop. He decided to buy a centipede. He took it home in a little box which he used for it's home. He leaned down to the box and said "Hey, would you like to go to Frank's bar for a drink?" No answer. Again, he knelt down and said "Do you want to go to Frank's bar for a drink?" Still no answer. Finally he shouted into the box "Do you want to go to Frank's bar for a drink? A little voice answered , "I heard you. I'm putting on my *&@#%*^%#!* shoes."
an granson comes to visit his grandad an they chat away most of the night,grandad fixes breakfast an his grandson looks at the scummy looking plate an questions grandad an says this plate looks kind of scummy? grandad tells him its as clean as coldwater will get it so they continue their visit an then grandad fixes lunch,same thing plate looks scummy again an grandson is assured its as clean as coldwater can get it,time for grandson to leave an as he trys to get to his car the old mans dog growls an won't let him pass so he hollars to granpaw I can't get past the dog,with this bit of information granddad hollars Coldwater get in here
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida ...Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but all they do is jump up and down in it...with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night -- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You a**hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If h e picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.' The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 'He's gonna run for Congress.'
On a visit to a mental asylum, I asked the Director how they determine if someone needs to be institutionalized. He replied that they had one really easy test. They filled a bathtub and also provided a teaspoon, a cup, and a bucket, and simply asked the person to empty the tub. I remarked,"How easy. They probably chose the bucket because it's the largest to get the job done." He responded, "No. Actually, the sane person would pull the plug. Which bed would you like?"
Now, my kicker---I told this to my DH, and his answer was "Open the drain." He's late stage 5--earlystage 6. <LOL>
A man buys new cowboy boots and goes home and says to his wife "do you notice anything different? and she says no" so he goes in the bedroom and takes off all his clothes except his cowboy boots and comes back and says "now do you notice anything different? and she says no. its hanging down like it always does." He says thats because it's looking at my new cowboy boots" she says "should have bought a hat."
I hope no one takes offense - this one is raunchy....
Sarah and Bill, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Bill asked Sarah out for dinner and, much to his delight, She accepted. They had a lovely evening; they dined at the most romantic restaurant in town and Bill gave Sarah a gift to show his affection. Despite his age, Bill was still a charmer. Afterward, Bill asked Sarah to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course, age being no inhibitor. Sarah soon joined Bill for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.
Bill was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I would have been more gentle."
Sarah was thinking: "If I had known he could still do it, I would have taken off my panty hose."
'You don't stop laughing when you get old, you get old when you stop laughing.'
This is a stricly mathematical viewpoint. . . it goes like this:
What Makes 100%
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z IS REPRESENTED BY: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H A R D W O R K is 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98% and K N O W L E D G E IS 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96% But, A T T I T U D E is 1+20+20+9+20+21+24+5=100% And, B U L L S H I T is 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20=103% And look how far ass kissing will take you. A S S K I S S I N G IS 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7=118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While HARDWORK and KNOWLEDGE will get you close, and ATTITDE will get you there, it's the BULLSHIT and ASS KISSING that will put you over the top.
"Remember, some people are alive simply because it is illegal to shoot them."
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in\the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry : '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' < /FONT> The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?' Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went. My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.'
Then we made love all night long. >> The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
> > This may seem like a funny email, but I was so surprised by > > what I discovered I had to share it with you. When I think of the > > job situation in this country I can't help but think this helps in some small > > way.
> > I don't know how many households there are in the U.S. , > > but if these were the only things we bought think of the impact.... > > This past weekend I was at Kroger. I needed 60 W light > > bulbs and Bounce dryer sheets.
> > I was in the light bulb aisle and right next to the GE > > brand I normally buy was an off brand labeled "Everyday Value" I > > picked up both types of bulbs and compared the stats - they were the same except for the price. The GE bulbs were more money than the Everyday Value brand but the thing that surprised > > me the most was the fact that GE was made in MEXICO and the > > Everyday Value brand was made in - get ready for this - the USA . So throw out the myth that you cannot find products you use every day that are made right here - from a company in Cleveland OH !
> > So on to another aisle - Bounce Dryer Sheets. Yep, you guessed it! Bounce was more money and made in Canada ; the Everyday Value brand was less money and MADE IN THE USA! I did laundry yesterday and the dryer sheets performed just like the Bounce Free I have been using for years and at almost half the price!
> > So my challenge to you is to start reading the labels when > > you shop for everyday things and see what you can find that is made in the USA - the job you save may be your own or your neighbor's!"
> > If you accept the challenge, pass this on to others in your address book so > > we can all start buying American, one light bulb at a time!
> > Besides you might save a little green in the process.
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself o ff, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~
You don't even have to be a parent to enjoy this one...
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later , Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian ______________________________________________________________________ Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!' I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo and I said, 'No, how are we alike?'' You're both old,' he replied
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'Mine says I'm four to six.'
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies? ''It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'
11. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'
12. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.' They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another. 'He's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the the fire hydrants.'
LOT 'S WIFE The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife Looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason Interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was Driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a Telephone pole!'
GOOD SAMARITAN A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story Of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a Person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, What would you do?' A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?' 'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'
HIGHER POWER A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have Been Learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible Times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me What it is?' One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
MOSES AND THE RED SEA Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had Learned in Sunday School. 'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind Enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a Pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.' 'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' His Mother asked. 'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, You'd never believe it!'
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class Memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't Remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely Get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 In front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it Was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'
UNANSWERED PRAYER The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father Always paused and bowed his head for a moment before Starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so Observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me Preach a good sermon.' 'So, how come He doesn't?' she asked.
BEING THANKFUL A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your Mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very Commendable. What does she say?' The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud Whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence And, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do Such a thing?' Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to Whistle, and He did!'
TIME TO PRAY A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. 'Yes, sir.' the boy replied. 'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor Asked.. 'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime..'
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she Would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'All girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this Closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, Why do you always add the part about all girls?' Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'
SAY A PRAYER Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother. 'I don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.' 'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook .
quite elderly he was curious an told them sure,so every week they would show up at his office make love an pay him an leave,finally the doctor couldn't stand it anymore an asked why they were so inclined,well the old gentleman said we're both married so we can't go to each others house,Holiday Inn wants $89.00,Best Western $79.00,you charge $50 an Medicare pasy $43 ,we pay $7 quite a bargin
> Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old > woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published. > > Dear Sir: > > I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to > pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have > elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of > the funds needed to honor it. > > I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, > an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You > are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also > for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused > to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident > has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. > > I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, > --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, > overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. > From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. > My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be > automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and > confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. > > Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to > open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I > require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, > but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about > me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her > medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory > details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and > liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY > convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must > quote in dealings with me. > > I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled > it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account > balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest > form of flattery. > > Let me level the playing field even further. > > When you call me, press buttons as follows: > > IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH > > #1. To make an appointment to see me. > > #2. To query a missing payment. > > #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. > > #4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. > > #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. > > #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. > > #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is > required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that > Authorized Contact mentioned earlier. > > #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. > > #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on > hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. > > #10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on > occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration > of the call. > > Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an > establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I > wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? > > Your Humble Client
> > (Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) > > 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US SENIORS'!!!!! > > And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the > first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpt from a Cat's Diary...
Day 983 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless
must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt
to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear
the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to
the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use
it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems
to be more than willing to return. He is obviously brain damaged!
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Pick up the cat and carry him to the bathroom. Close the toilet door.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse".
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !'
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.
Carosi, you're a riot! Don't you have the one somewhere about "how to give a cat a pill"? If not, maybe I could scrounge around way back in my e-mail archives and find it.
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap; cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees; hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw; force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot; drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last date of tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed car into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.
Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about It. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Gourdchipper-- I just pass on the really good ones friends send me.
Loved the "How to give a Cat a pill". ROFLOL with tears in my eyes. If you've ever attempted to give cat a pill you appreciate this one. Even more fun is giving liquid Benadryl to a Boston Terrier. Allergic reaction got him a shot and then he came home with 3 skinny little syringes of the Benadryl to be given over a period of hours. Number one--the med. has a mentholly after taste. HE DOESN'T LIKE IT!!! Number two--- he has no handles--no tail,and no nose to open his mouth with. With a tail, you have a better chance of hanging on to them. With a nose you can wrap your hand around the nose, push the lips in against the teeth and they open. WIDE mouth and mushed nose--no handle. Pin him, pry into corner of mouth, squirt. Most/some med goes down. He's still with us, so must have been enough.
Please excuse the language. I pass this along just the way it came to me.
GOODBYE TO MOTHER
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like them!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children .
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender er says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you On your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy And your pacemaker opens the garage door,
'OLD' IS WHEN... Going bra-less Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, Just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
'OLD' IS WHEN.. 'Getting a little action' Means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car In the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up To use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN... You are not sure these are jokes?