I'm so happy to have found you guys & your wonderful Spouse Message Boards. I was surfing the net to see if ANYONE had these same problems. The answer is clear: YES!
I married my husband 8 years ago.(I had been married once for 25 years, then divorced, he had been married 2X before). I was 58, he was 69. We were in love. He was in perfect physical condition. He worked out 2-3X a week with a trainer. Life was good. We travelled, we wined & dined & did all the usual things, including trying to manage the 4 adult step-children, & their various companions/spouses, I had just inherited. I tried very hard.
I had a career, 2 adult children of my own, and a nice life, before I married him. But I was never really happy on my own. Meeting him was fabulous. I started noticing little signs about a year into the marriage...nothing important...but things a wife would see. I asked his children about their families medical background, etc. I was met with icy silence. I quit work so I could spend more time doing things he wanted to do. I started a small at-home business. OK so far.
After 6 years of marriage his children became obsessed with their father's finances, insisting they take over. They all are extremely weathy due to previously distributed trust-funds. After 1 year, they filed to have their father declared incapacitated, and me unfit to be his guardian. The law suits devastated us financially, and broke the family apart. I am still with my husband, he has a guardian, a perfect stranger(although he still goes out, still works-out). He has declined rapidly. The doctors say he has aphasia...he doesn't talk. I am living with a man who cannot communicate, who depends on me for everything, yet is still physically independent in every way.
My thoughts are starting to tell me to RUN as fast as I can. Not only do I have to deal with a failing husband, but this guardianship of both his person & his estate. In other words, I've become nothing but a caregiver in the eyes of the law. We sold our home. My equity is all that I have, and I'm spendng it taking care of both of us. His money is sitting, earning 4% annually, in case he ever gets sick enough to need assisted living or more. The man I married loved life...he does not like sitting watching TV all day. He wants to be out there having fun...with me right beside him.
He has been forced by his children into this vague empty-shell of a life, not living & not dying. He probably has Alzheimer's. No one knows. He has aphasia. It shows on the radiology.
I am a very pretty woman, don't look anywhere my age (and neither does my husband) and wonder daily what is the right thing to do. I made a committment to marriage. Unlike some of you, my marriage is of short duration, we had no children together. We were seniors who wanted to be together. If his children were supportive maybe I could survive this.
I fear leaving him alone too long. I worry about our little poodle when she is alone with him. He cannot prepare his own food, cannot drive, cannot hear and doesn't speak.
Of course, we have no marital relationship. That is the worst part, isn't it? There is no communication. No sharing of anything. He is dependent upon me for everything...and I am getting more angry every day.
I pray someone reading this might help me understand what to do.
Oh, Marsha...don't know what to say. How awful to have to deal with the unsupportive family thing. Do his children take an interest in his well-being at all, apart from financially? My gut feeling about your situation would be that I would remain primary caregiver, but that that might begin to involve out-of-home care, whether that be a day-care or assisted living or both. I wouldn't dare "advise" anyone else, but It's how I think I would feel. And then, as much as possible, I would try to lead a fulfilling life and explore my own interests.
Welcome to my website - you are lucky to be coming here when the new boards are up. The old ones were disorganized, and even I was having trouble finding things. I hope you will take the time to read "previous blogs". I know there is much there you will be able to relate to - resentment, anger, loneliness, etc.
As to your current situation, I agree with Emily - you need friends and activties of your own. Explore the Day Care option for your husband. Start with the Alzheimer's Association in your area - they can guide you. Depending upon your needs, your husband can attend anywhere from one or two days a week to all five. That will free you up to pursue your own interests, which you'll need to keep your sanity.
Also, I used to do speech and language therapy. A person doesn't get aphasia for no reason. There is an underlying cause - and the doctors should have told you what that is. Alzheimer's is, of course, one of the reasons, but there are others. Has your husband had the complete set of Alzheimer testing from a neurologist specializing in the area? Is he on any medication. Aricept stopped the decline in my husband. He's been stable for almost a year.
joang - when I write, it shows up on the boards as Admin - for Administrator - had to be done that way, so I can get in and manage the boards. All so official!
I understand your instinct to run. I think that is a survival thing. I can't advise you on what to do. Caring for someone with this type of illness is stressful enough without having to deal with family members like this.
Could it be that his children are afraid that you will leave and that is why they are trying to take over? I would definately meet with a lawyer to see what your rights are as his wife. If they are viewing you primarily as a caregiver for their dad, do they expect you to be a 24/7 caregiver free of charge? If so, what a good deal they have.
I think you have to be able to remove yourself from the stress of the situation before you can decide to stay or go. I think the adult day care option sounds good. It might help you to feel more secure/safe if you have some help taking care of your husband.
This is a tough one. I would suggest you seriously look at your own financial situation. I would consider the day care & make sure the money to pay for it came out of his trust- not on the money you have from the sale of the house.
Thank you everyone. Just knowing there are loving, caring people out there who would spend their own precious time addressing my problems gives me great hope that I will find the right solution. We spent 1 year and $100,000.00 in legal fees in the Harris County Probate Court system fighting this. We all need to protect ourselves, legally, before there are problems like this. That is the main thing I learned. If my husband had taken steps to put his affairs into legal order prior to their assualt, none of this would have happened. I encourage all 2nd, 3rd wives to make certain they are protected legally. If I had known all of this would happen, certainly I would never have married.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now, what can I do to help with YOUR problems? XXXOOOXXX's Marsha
Marsha, You say that your husband now has a guardian, I would think that the guardian has more say over what happens with your husband than you do. This is a very hard situation. I would not advise you, I would only tell you what I would do if in your situation. I myself would first find out why I, the wife was not selected as guardian, then if I remained caregiver I would charge an hourly fee. I would not ruin my future when it is apparent that no one is considering you. You must also take care of yourself.
Marsha, I don't understand that the guardian is not allotting funds for him to live on. I would insist on an allotment for him and his care. I am a second wife, luckily his children have given me problems about money or deccisions about his care. We have been married 31+years, and we don't have a large amount of money. Money makes people do strange things. If it were me I'd put my foot down and say I either have more control or he is your problem.
Do get him to a doctor and find out if you are dealing with dementia or Alzheimers. It helps to know and get the proper medications.
Each relationship is different only you can decide. Best wishes for help in dealing with your husband. I guess when they say "for better of worse" they mean it! Hugs, barbarakay not
Please follow through on getting a proper diagnosis for your husband. I also was a speech pathologist and I add my voice to our administrator to say Aphasia is a symptom of a causal condition. I urge you or the guardian to take your husband to a neurologist, geriatric specialist, or other physician who has had extensive experience with dementia patients especially Alzheimers. I sympathize with your situation. Dealing with this disease is difficult enough without anomosity from other family members.
I am glad that I found this discussion because now after all the trauma of getting the confirmation of this disease and the fear and uncertainty attached, I find my DH and I are facing the same horror of financial arrangements gone awry. I too married my husband 11 years ago with the hopes and dreams of a loving marriage into our "golden years". He was a 65 year old widower with 3 grown children and I was 12 years younger, divorced with my own home and 2 grown sons. I moved into his home and sold mine (Big mistake!). I was working and continued to work throughout our marriage paying half of the expenses of his house, paying my share of vacations that we took. It was more of a business arrangement than a marriage and of course, I wanted more but not the monetary, I wanted the committment and security of a loving husband and a life with him. I worked hard at this marriage. I always knew that everything in his estate would go to his kids. I wanted a richly fulfilling life with him. First, his oldest daughter died about 4 years into our marriage, she was the executor of his estate. She was the best of his children and we were great friends. So, he changed his trust and gifted me with her third of the estate. I say "gifted" because I never asked for it. I finally retired last year and was looking forward to traveling and enjoying life with him. Then came the AD diagnosis early last summer and with it the concerns from his son who was now the executor. Not once was there concern for his father's health or questions about his LTC insurance or possible scenarios for both our well being. It was all about the house and when it would be sold and how much we owed and gaining access to his father's assets. He wanted a meeting with a lawyer when he comes for Easter. My DH who is still very functional and aware became suspicious and decided to meet with his attorney before this planned meeting. He surprisingly and perhaps foolishly decided in the meeting to make me the executor of his estate, based on the fact that I will be his primary caregiver and that both his children live out of state. I can make no changes. I can only execute the trust as it is written. His son became angry and all the usual berating and threats that accompany a child throwing a tantrum. He threw me "under the bus" and outright told his father that he doesn't trust me. I get that, I am the stepmother. But it has created such emotional stress for me and my DH. We cannot enjoy anything because of this. I want to run away from all of this. I don't want this. I really don't want the financial responsibility regarding the estate. I will be dealing with enough with my husband slipping slowly away from me. No amount of money can replace the "lost years". I feel trapped in something not of my doing. His children are coming for Easter and I will be the gracious hostess as always. I have been more of an advocate for them with their father than they are aware. But I feel so sad that we will not be able to work together as a family for their father's well being. They have already requested over the phone to claim jewelry that is in the safety deposit box. I have my own money, my own resources. Don't they understand?? I could leave right now and have a much better life without all of this. But I am committed to their father, emotionally, as well as morally. The road ahead is now made harder with all of this.
Hi I am also married 15yrs to a man who has 3grown kids. Mine at least had the hindsight to put some monies into a separate acct for me just incase. he also gave me durable power of atty and health poa for him as well and executor of his estate and we formed LLP partnership for our properties. thank god! i cant tell everyone how important it is to get these papers upfront while the AD person can still have it notorized. i have had to sell 2 properties since his AD and take over all investments etc. his kids are like vultures and waiting for what they will inherit of course. they never come by or call except for xmas or bdays when we are to bring gifs. so i have now changed my mind after 15yrs of this i am the caregiver and will make the decisions regarding his care and how things will be done with regards to his health issues. i will tell -not ask- at this point and have decided to take the bull by the horns and do as i please. i havent had a respite away for 10yrs of caregiving and not one of them has offered even to take him out for lunch alone. i am livid at their antics and had enough. so my advice is to protect yourself financially as best you can now and make sure if you are going to sacrifice the years of caregiving make sure you are rewarded something besides just being a loving spouse and person. esp if you are in a second+ marriage and step kids are involved. sorry to sound so hard but its come to this after many fustrated yrs of seeing my husband ignored by his own family. I would contact an elder atty to see how you stand with regards to how you stand fianncially with husbands assets. if its a community state you may be in luck. best regards
I am 46. My husband is 60. It obviously makes things simpler that we share the same 4 kids and have never been married to anyone else! But I'll tell you what... If anything, this discussion has convinced me that if I ever have another opportunity for being with a man, I will certainly want to make sure that I avoid any such complications going in. Easier, perhaps, to maintain completely separate finances and possibly not even marry.
My mind is made up, at 56yrs no more marriages for me or caregiving -Unless someone like Howard Marshall came along (anna nicole's ex billionaire 83yrs ) and left me 400 million to take it on:) haha...after all said and done would have to even think then...divvi
Carewife - I was interested in your comments regarding the Aphasia which my husband has and for lack of a better dianosis he 's on the neds for AD. He is now developing cognitive problems and obsessive compulsive behavior. His mother's chiropractor has told her he does NOT have AD but a blockage of the blood to the brain. The neurologist is assuming EOA. Not being able to talk has caused the additional worry of him being in a situation (car or otherwise) where he can't tell me or anyone else where he is or what the problem is. Please let me know what other avenues there are to explore this horror.
My husband with Alzheimer's has aphasia and is obsessive compulsive and has many cognitive problems. My husband presented with aphasia first, then the short term memory went, then the obessive behaviors and cognitive problems kicked in. Unfortunately, it has been a steady decline despite on two medicines, Aricept and Namenda that he has been taking since 2006. I am waiting for a plateau but I really haven't seen one.
My husband has a lot of atrophy in his left temporal lobe and some on his frontal lobe. The Dementia Clinic where I live teaches us that the younger the patient is the faster this disease tends to go. It has been happening rapidly for us. I first started noticing symptoms when he was 57 1/2 to 58. Yes, this indeed is a horror.
Brought DH home on Sat - saw the Chiropractor on Friday - he's convinced he can help him - I only wish. Unfortunately he is out of state and he's trying to locate someone locally with Chiropractic Neurological training to no avail. The vehicles are gone and so far so good. Of course Ihad to take him to 6 stores yesterday. The real test will be tomorrow when I go to work and he'll be here without a car. It's very frustrating to think there may be help but no one tells you about exercises to keep the left side of the brain stimulated except this Chiro. Any thoughts from anyone?
Dilly; YOu indicated that MRI shows atrophy on the speech area of the brain so the aphasia is apparently linked as a result of damage to that area, I cannot tell you if or who the medical field can be with the knowledge to help your husband. I do know the aphasia is not an entity unto itself but is a verbal resul t of some cause. Has the chriopractor had other patients with the same diagnosis that he has been able to effect improvement and/or cure. What doees he base his therapy on? YOu might want to get on the internet and research aphasia and its connection to brain damage. Perhaps someone has written a paper about this subject. I do know the brain is very mysterious and its damage causes a myriad of results. KEEp trying t hough to find help for your husband , you will p revail I am sure!!
Dilly, I judtlooked up "aphasia and its cause" ONMY browser and found an article on progressive aphasia from Mayo clinic. It is a rare neuerological disease resembling the symptoms you have written on your husband. Look it up or if you give me your e mail address i"LL forward i t to you.
Thanks Carewife, I will check out the Mayo article. I have done extensive research on PPA but most stay it is caused by a stroke, tumor, brain infection which the MRI's don't show. Unfortunately, whether the atropy to the left side of the brain is just PPA and not AD, the progression of it is causing similar symptoms, short term memory loss, OC behavior etc. It's so hard not knowing what he needs or wants due to no communication. Writing is decipherable also. Thanks for your input.
Yes, I am very aware of semantic dementia. My husband's diagnosis on October 20, 2006 is Alzheimer's with a heavy semantic dementia component. He calls telephones keys, he calls purses cell phones. Hence the definition of semantic is, pertaining to, or arising from the different meanings of words or other symbols. It is getting a lot worse and communication is getting really difficult. Sometimes I know what he means because he repeats the same story so much. THe Alzheimer's Disease is evident by the fact that he can't put things together anymore (Executive function of the brain). He was a main frame computer troubleshooter and now he can't even figure out that you can't fill up the above ground pool without a pool liner. His short term memory is so bad that he asks the same question 50 times. Thanks for listening. I needed to vent.
Dave, thanks for your comments, I checked out semantic dementia which took me to frontal dementia and again to non-fluent alphasia - same ol, same ol, tired of no answers as I am sure everyone here is also. Heartbreaking and no end in sight. I do appreciate your concern and direction. I've searched and searched for some type of help. Dead ends. Maybe DH just needs relaxers or maybe I do - actually I have some but have not taken any - just have them as a parachute for when I'm ready to jump off the cliff!
Polly, was your husband's first symptom the aphasia? Can he still drive? My husband put the battery in backward and blew all the fuses. He used to maintain our cars and now had a hard time starting one the other day and had to walk home. At least he was within walking distance. That's what scared me so that I removed the cars - I was afraid he'd be too far from home to walk and wouldn't be able to tell me or anyone what the problem was. Again, he has a medic alert necklace and a note in his wallet but who's going to stop for a man walking in the freezing weather?
My husband's first symptom was aphasia and the inability to know placeholders of numbers like the difference between 1,000 and 10,000. He also did not know how to say the words for colors. This started in about mid 2005. Yes, my husband has tried to wire things in our pump house (we are on a well) that would have caused a lot of damage. The neighbor bailed him out. I hate to say this but your husband should not be driving. In California the laws are very strict on that. Once your loved one gets a diagnosis of any type of dementia, the doctor notifies the Dept of Health who then notified the Dept of Motor Vehicles. My DH got the diagnosis on 6/16/06 of rapidly progressive dementia and it was at that time that the doctor notified the Dept of Health. It takes 8 weeks for them to catch up. I let him drive until 8/14/06. It's not a good idea because with this disease they have slower reaction times. We may get to the point where they might step on the gas instead of the brake. My husband calls red lights green and green lights red. It's too risky. I have hidden all of the keys. After husband fell from a ladder on 9/24/07 (short term memory forgot to secure the ladder) and landed on the top of this head (by the way, he had no residuals from that fall; he was very lucky), I took the keys out of the ATV so that he wouldn't drive that on our road to go get the garbage cans. I am also going to hide the key to the riding lawn mower now that it runs. Alzheimer's patients and machinery of any type do not go together. I am surprised that some of these loved ones are still driving. I think some of the other states are more lenient. A friend at work whose mother lives in Nebraska still drives and she is further along than my husband with this nightmare.
Polly, so happy to hear from you - you're the first person who's DH started this horrible journey with Aphasia. I have removed the other two vehicles and have hidden the keys to the car I have for work. THis is the first week-end home without them. I have to tell you this Chiropractor in RI feels he doesn't have Alzheimers and that he can be helped with adjustment to his neck and back (which have been bad for years) and exercising the left side of his brain - squeezing a stress ball with the right hand. Special glasses with flashing lights on the right eye, etc. We don't live in RI and he hasn't yet found anyone in our location to continue the work but he is trying. I told him that after 2 years of denial that he has AD, I've finally accepted it (as much as anyone can) and that I had serious doubts about what he was saying. I asked him why no other neurologist or doctor talked about this type of treatment. He said it was relatively new and that he hadn't dealt with Aphasia but had some success with patients with Parkinsons. I plan on talking to DH's neurologist in March at his next appt. My DH is 64 - how old is yours? Its so lonely without being able to talk to him and to share decisions and joys and sorrows. I missed him so much when he was at his mother's last week, I couldn't stand it and now that he's home we're on the same treadmill. He wants to go to the store all the time. He can say a word or two - he still can say, "love you" but mostly says, "yea' "yea". So lonely without him. How do you cope?
Tis no wonder, us caregivers seek outside company... It is what keeps us sane and able to meet another day..I had thought much about the property owned before marrying.. What a sticky wicket? Mine is in a trust, and so is my friends affairs.. BUT he has 5 children, two of which don't like me from the get go... No way will I sell my home, car, or dissolve my trust..This has nothing to do with loving and respecting a significant other.... Where there is money there are problems.. Looking after your own finances is simply looking after your future.. You can be sure, some children are quick with critizim and also fast on their feet for any money they can get...... at any cost.. Marsha, sorry you had to come here.. but as you know now, Joans place is a lifesaver... We need each other.. Write often, tho some of us never physically meet, we know who you are when you return.. Take some time for yourself... To think that all you have in life is to take care of someone who reponds to nothing gives more reason to get out there, do something nice for yourself.... and do it OFTEN.. I, too, am reasonable attractive, 100lbs and petite but when my husband speaks of other women , they are always described as blond, with long legs and knock'em dead good looking. When I ask"How about me"? His answer was " well, you can't help it".. Now that's a kick in the pants... I've never measured up in his eyes so am not worried about it anymore.. There are others who enjoy my company... Now that I've shocked everyone, I sign off..
I have so many thoughts running around in my head about this. I think first of all, I would see an elder care attorney to find out how you can protect what little you have left following the sale of the house. Inasmuch as his kids seem to have everything tied up financially for him, then let the bills go there and you need to find out how you can save funds for your future. I have no problem with my stepkids and do not anticipate any still I am in process of protecting our and my personal assets as well. If necessary my lawyer will send official notification to them.
One thing my lawyer suggested was seeing about divorce as a means to protect my/our assets yet remain home with him. I did not go that way. But for some it has been the solution.
Since you are both seniors, is there some Social Security disability benefits he would rate? What kind of ins does he have, did he have long term care? I would find out how what benefits he does have and make use of this. There is a risk to medicaid which we found out about regarding an in law.He has no spouse. So when he passes, whatever is in his estate, medicaid will come after that estate for reimbursement..you don't want to fall into that sewer with what the kids have done to you already. I would strongly suggest seeing an elder care attorney and if you do not have much $$ at your disposal, see about working out a payment plan.
There are others on the site here who have also had nightmares with relatives, both in laws and outlaws...whose experience will be most insightful and useful.
God bless you and stay strong.. Oh and we are all here for you and each other so come share your ups and downs and vent when you need to..we are all there in those places at times. It is the only way we can keep our sanity...
Oh one more thing....get your husband to a doctor for evaluation NOW. My uncle started out with aphasia but could play golf do the odd jobs around the house etc just as you describe. At first we thought it was stroke..but it progressed and finally at UCLA we were told that it was not a rare aphasia after all it is AD. Autopsy proved it was severe.
It is interesting, Wolf, that you picked out that sentence from Marsha's post. I had never read it before and was appalled at her situation, but frankly, I thought "What does being pretty have to do with it?" The fact that she could more easily move on to other relationships than someone not pretty? Am I being naive? I'm not criticizing in any way, but it seems to me the issue is whether to remain in a marriage with such difficult circumstances, not the appearance of the caregiver. No one, regardless of what they look like, should be subjected to that situation. Did I miss something?
(I am hoping that since Marsha's original post was in 2007, the issues have been resolved in a way that is fair to all parties.)
I too missed the date of the original post and hope things were resolved for Marsha.. One thing I did pick up on but was loathe to say for having it come out wrong was the remark about how pretty she still is... While I don't think for a second she bragged about her looks, her step kids are not blind and also can see that she is an attractive woman. So in THEIR HEADS they may have viewed her as a gold digger. Anyone who is a gold digger would not have the conflicts she endured as to what to do and how best to achieve security for herself and care for her spouse under these trying conditions..
The issue about staying in a relationship facing those problems is one every single one of us face. There are many stories here of how the children react and especially if we are in a second or further marriage. I am also keenly aware that Joan dug beyond what is available to us into her own archives to locate this (or perhaps the person who assists her did - hi there) and that she did that for Colleen who has just joined us and is seeking someone in a similar situation.
Marsha was on the board for a 3 week period from early to late september 2007 and has not posted or I venture visited since then. None of her posts are available through the public archives which is reasonable given that all this happened four years ago. Therefore I am missing 5 of her seven total posts in the 3 week period she was actively here. Flip to page 166 and you'll see that.
In light of the extreme divergence in what parties are seeing and the nature of why this board exists, and without altering my comment, I am withdrawing from this topic.
Wolf--I hope I didn't offend you and I agree that we all face the choice of whether to go or whether to stay. Sorry, having a bad day here myself--I didn't mean to sound unsympathetic to her plight, if that's the way it came across.
P.S. I think you can do a comment search and find her other posts.
Marsha, Do you have power of attorney? Or does someone else have power of attorney? I have power of attorney because I didn't want his daughter to come in at the last minute and try to make dicisions that we didn't want. Now she is not having anything to do with us but you never know...
This thread is 4 years old. Marsha has not written since then. I brought it to the top for a new member, CynthiaC, to read, as it was pertinent to her post under "Is there a spouse who is newly married, and they are now responsible to care for their loved one?" If you wish to comment for Cynthia, I refer you to her current thread.
It is me that is unsympathetic here and I remain so.
The 'extremely wealthy' four children on his side after 7 years of marriage went to court to declare her unfit as his guardian and the courts agreed that she was unfit. Guardianship is not tort law. The children either did not seek guardianship or were not given it either. Instead a third party guardian was assigned by the judge. There was $100,000 spent fighting this which verifies it was a thoroughly contested case which indicates that all things possible for either side were brought to light. The 4 'extremely wealthy' children were unified on this issue and apparently not interested in dad's money (which the implication is came from one of the previous two wives because the children's money was all distributed from trust funds to presumably protect them from someone).
The statement is that they are living strictly on her resources; but,that cannot be true. The guardian not providing anything whatsoever for the husband's daily expenses is extremely difficult to believe. The phrasing is that they fought this together but he has already been described as "he doesn't talk. I am living with a man who cannot communicate, who depends on me for everything, yet is still physically independent in every way."
So it's difficult to see how he was involved just months prior to this. (Married 8 years, after 6 they became obsessed with money, after one more they undertook legal proceedings - therefore the courts ruled on this less than a year before the post was written).
This same man in this state is described as "He wants to be out there having fun...with me right beside him." That is very difficult to reconcile those two statements. The implication is that despite the fact that they used to travel together and wine and dine, the guardian has stopped not only this but has also decided his trustee shouldn't get a single cent to live on. I don't believe that for an instant. The needs of the husband would have certainly been detailed in the court battle.
She then says "I am a very pretty woman, don't look anywhere my age (and neither does my husband) and wonder daily what is the right thing to do. I made a committment to marriage. Unlike some of you, my marriage is of short duration". This is where I laughed out loud. We might well ask ourselves what we would think of ourselves saying a sentence like that after 8 years of marriage. Note that Colleen says almost exactly the opposite after just two years. She is committed to the marriage despite this and this is a very difficult thing to face said Colleen. And Colleen's not only sincere, she's also right.
I am very good looking at 66 (58 plus 8) and that makes me think everyday on what the right thing to do is here now that his money is protected by an arms length court appointed guardian.
The posts are riddled with insincerity. She worries about leaving her husband alone because of her poodle and what will happen to it. Not the husband. Nowhere is that expressed. But her poodle. Yes.
She says 'they' sold 'their' house and right after 'my equity is all I have'. Yet that would have to have been in the last year after the proceedings because before that everything was fine and during that the children would have prevented it easily since he was in process of competentcy before the courts. Yet that fits completely with selling the house after the ruling and taking her share out where the sale was managed on the part of the husband by the guardian.
She says: "My thoughts are starting to tell me to RUN as fast as I can. Not only do I have to deal with a failing husband..." And those thoughts are occuring after she has cashed in her half of the equity of their house.
When I looked her up after reading the thread I knew what I would see. Gone shortly afterwards never to be heard from again. I was not suprised.
I bear no ill will against Martha. She has taken her good looks, her poodle, and her half of what was previously not in cash and took her own advice. Good luck to her. She's not reading this board anymore and hasn't since October 2007. Coming here and reading what it's really like was theraputic as she said and helped her make up her mind. I sincerely hope she's happy.
I said I would withdraw and I probably should have. I don't want you, Marylin, to think it was you that did anything wrong. It was me. And now I have been clear why.
Wolf...a big DUH on my part...told you I'm having a bad day. Never occurred to me that your first post on this thread was tongue in cheek! We are on the same page on this one.
I have to apologize to both Cynthia and Colleen. I'm afraid I mixed them up in my post.
With so much on so many of our plates, I should have been clearer in my original post that it was tears of laughter when I visualized some high heeled, loud spandexed, poodle carrying, big haired lady in raybans.
I should also be clear that it's not Martha I'm talking about here. I happened to think of that at the same time for some mischievious reason and that's what made me laugh.
"Dennis! Have you seen my tiffany earrings, honey?! I'm off to that awful recital. Is the mercedes outside? Come on poochikins! Kiss kiss."
This probably isn't a good time to admit that I'm writing a book either. It's called Zombies from Inter Dimential Space. Where deceptively frail ladies take over Sunnydale, the care facility on the edge of town (lightening striking) where they deceive perfectly ordinary people into bringing them (thunder rolling) shepard's pie (picture of Janet Leigh screaming) (Hitchcock erie music). Goood Even innng.
Shhhh. I'm scanning the coast of Spain zoomed in trying to see if I can spot anything that looks like Atlantis. I know roughly where it is but I'm not seeing anything but marinas and restaurante's. It's so weird but I just looked at some lady on the patio at resaurante don alfonso with big hair and a poodle. It sent shivers down my funny bone.
More a Charles Shulz outlook in a Proust setting or was that Faust trapped in a weekend at Bernie's setting? So it's either seeing our time lost while Lucy snatches the football (what? again?) or a deal with the devil to know the earthly pleasures but trapped in a mundane juvenile narrowness that never escapes the purile.
Like punishing Mubarrak for stealing 70 billion while his people live on $1 a day by making him clean offices the rest of his life in the bronx. "Hey buddy! You missed a spot! Where you born yesterday?" While he's cleaning the toilets there's a Joan River's type that just keeps asking him what he was going to do with the last billion and rebuttles every grunt with long diatribes that start with "Oh, please,..."
The central motif will always be the figure I read about in a Heavy Metal magazine in the 1970's where the stories were supposed to be cartoons but with real edge. There was one where the vaguely duck like hero was contemplating the best course of action to save himself while the snow kept falling and talked himself out of every actual action. The final frame shows the snow with a tiny bump and the caption '10,000 years later'.
Or one of the books in college 'the persecution of Marat performed by the inmates of the asylum'. A post modernist course including Waiting For Godot, Hiroshima Mon Amour, Catch 22, and other catchy classics taught by a slouching and underachieving Felliniwannabee who changed my grade from a 'C' to a "B' when I threatened to expose his Eva Gardiner teaching methods. So much for realism.
The thing with a happy ending (and I will keep my promise) is that we wait for it. But the reality of life is that the time is always 'now'. I'm just as beat up as everyone. I can't stand what is happening to my little redhead. I'm scared. Serious scared. I feel for all of us I promise. If I wait for a happy ending I will get swallowed up by the misery that we always accept. The hardship that we always realize and learn to recognize. The painful realities that we always accept is our lot. Which is what helps our spouses.
What is truly tragic is that the nature of our sense of reality is that while we suffer greatly, we ourselves exclude the right or the desire to also feel happiness. We are intricately entwined in the often unspoken view of ourselves and what life is and is not. There is no sanity in the idea that if we are oppressed by reality then we're not allowed to laugh or make jokes.
I'm so jaded I make an uglier James Dean look as giddy as a schoolgirl. I write comedy the way Abraham put his son on that slab. It is an offering to the spirit of life in the hope that by real effort that spirit will not be extinguished. That is that the art of life will not be forgotten.
I do not expect the Japanese to dance in their misery. I don't expect them to shrug their shoulders, sit down, and wait to die either. It will take hard work to rebuild and replant the cherry blossoms. That metaphorically applies to us exactly. It's relatively easy for me to convince people that I'm doing alright. The truth is that I'm struggling. I'm no better than Martha or anyone else. I'm no worse either. I'm just a person. So are you.
There is an art in tonality and inference that if played well can penetrate preconception before the barriers go up. I will try to illustrate that in the jokes section now. Which if people read chronologically they will already have read since I can't post that until after I post this so it may sound like it means something but it doesn't. So it goes.
Wolf, I was watching that program about The lost city of Atlantis and fell asleep in my chair at the end. Now I will never know if they found it! I will have to wait for your book I guess.
We are all struggling, some days are better, some are worse. What can we do, but move forward.....
Wolf--the member's name is Marsha, but I love the Martha character you described above--high heels, spandex, Tiffany earrings, poodle, Raybans, big hair and all. As a matter of fact, she bears a distinct resemblance to one of our local mascots, the Baltimore Hon lady. It is a takeoff on a 1950's, beehive wearing, gum chewing, tacky, tacky woman! The name is derived from local slang (usually used by waitresses in blue collar joints), "Howya doin' Hon?" I think you need to include one of these women in your book. (If you Google Baltimore Hon you can see a picture.)