Oh my gosh.........I could have said all of these words myself. EE...Gods.....I have. This AD world isn't real.....at least not the normal human real world we were used to before this evil entered our midst. I hate this so badly and one of the scary things about it is the more time goes by, the less I remember the norm. Oh, I do remember and I ache for what maybe was even our worst of times in this marriage. Those times were a piece of cake next to this. It's so late now and I am so tired but I had to at least say this in response.
OOPS.....I meant this comment for "When people say he'll be here for another 20 years, I cringe inside" not as I said in the subject line I used "in response to something like "is love there anymore."
anitalynn, bless your heart. It doesn't matter what thread it's on. Just letting your feelings out helps you feel better. Who can think that late at night anyway? There have been other discussions about trying to remember the norm. It's hard when we're living in a different world.
I read your comment last night, but I was also too tired to move it, so I am going to do that now - I am moving it to the "cringe" discussion, so look for any more responses under that one.
I certainly can relate to that. I loved the man he used to be. But now, it is really hard to conjure up any love feelings for him. Besides all the AZ stuff, he's also had a stroke and can't talk - 2 years now. Pretty hard to keep up a relationship without any conversation. I do have an enormous amount of sympathy for him, but love - don't think so. The thing that killed the love the most was cleaning up after him.
He's in the last stages of AZ and if I thought he'd live another even 2-3 years this way, I don't think I could make it. It's a really strange situation. I feel single, I don't feel married. There is absolutely NO relationship, but I can't really go on with my life. When I go see him, which is often, I feel like I'm visiting my father - he's 14 years older, but has aged at least 10 years.
In responding to another thread just the other day I said something about DH being so difficult, wanting to jump out of the car, demanding to go home, wanting to see his Mom, and on, and on. He was calling me mean, a liar, making him ill, etc.
Then in a calm moment he said "I love you, Di." And as I wrote in that post, all I could do was give him a blank stare. In my head I wanted to say "I love you" back. But somehow it seemed completely unnatural. At least that in that state he was NOT the person I had given my life and my love to. He was someone I was having to force to take a shower, force to wash his peri area because of skin breakdown. My dapper dresser, always clean and smelling great was literally crying to me that he had diaper rash. NONE OF THIS IS HIS FAULT! And that is why I sometimes am overwhelmed with grief and guilt that my heart cannot always support the love I should so able to easily show him.
Judi,
my DH is almost 24 years older than I. We've been together about 21 years, Married 19, two kids together (now teens), and we each have an adult child from prior marriages. In the early days he was so active, and didn't look anywhere near his age. Matter of fact I was shocked when we actually shared our ages with each other. But, we'd had so much fun, as did our two kids who were in the same Kindergarten class. He seemed so much on the same plane with me. He could outrun me any day, and had a real zest for sports, and amusement parks, etc. My God. His daughter, now 26 visited recently and she was in tears. She visited 15 months prior and saw the aging then. But in just 15 months she witnessed face to face the severe decline in cognition, but also in his stature, his stride. Until just a few years ago nobody ever could have guessed that he was 24 years older than me. In the past 3 years he has aged at least 15 years.