Fritz, I would take Sunshyne's advice. We had seen an elder law attorney a number of years ago but I could not get LO to follow through. Based on the advice on this site, I convinced DH that we had to see another attorney. (He is actually me ex which simplifies somethings but complicates others. I have been trying to convince him that he had to do DPOA for a while (years) We found another elder law lawyer we both like. The initial consultation was free. It is not going to cost us an arm and a leg. She works with clients with different level of needs. She stressed that it was important that we get the DPOA done NOW. She said from her interview with my DH, that she thinks he is still competent. She explained to him why setting things up while he is still competent will be much better for all of us. If your LO is not competent, a good elder law attorney will still be able to set everything up. A friend of mine did this.
Thank you Sunshyne and Lizbeth. I have finally found a large law practice in our area that says it has several attorneys with experience in elder law. They actually have a satellite office in my small hometown so I am going to call today and see if we can meet here (making things easier on me). I am thinking of going for the initial consultation alone so that I can focus on telling them what my DH and I need, then returning with my DH to do the actual work if it turns out I am comfortable with the attorney. Does that sound about right? There is this balancing act between keeping my DH completely involved in decision making and at the same time not overwhelming him with stuff (which sends him into a tailspin). I don't want too take him to the lawyer, then find out I do not like the lawyer or do not think he/she is experienced enough with elder law, and then have to drag DH to another lawyer. In our initial discussion of the DPOA, my DH was defensive. But yesterday he saw his therapist (who he trusts) and he came home with some AD literature and said he could see how the DPOA was important to protect both of us. So I think I can gently bring DH around. In the meantime, I asked my oldest DD if she would consider being the executor of a trust for DH (in case something happens to me) and she freaked out about it a bit and said she didn't want to "come between my parents" or "start acting like the parent and not the child". I was kind of surprised as she is a very high paced professional woman married to an attorney, I guess it is different when it is your own parents. So anyway, I assume that a law office/attorney can serve as executor of a trust instead, am I correct on that? My concern is that something happens to me out of the blue and my husband is suddenly saddled with all financial decisions, which would be a complete disaster.
Re the trustee ... I've been worried about what would happen to my husband if something happened to me. People often use banks, since there's a lot of financial stuff involved, but the lawyer who drew up the trust recommended that I find someone with expertise in "special needs" trusts, since finances are only one of my concerns. I found a professional private fiduciary who is a certified conservator/guardian. She has several staff of her own, plus a network of professionals who can provide any type of expertise that is needed -- lawyers, financial experts, healthcare providers, you name it. Many certified conservators / guardians work by themselves, and I'd be worried about what happens if there's an emergency and the trustee happens to be sick herself? (Most of the fiduciaries who work as conservators whom I evaluated were women...)
Fritz, PLEASE be sure that you can talk to the elder law atty re medicaid. Not just DPOA and trusts. I went to someone I really liked, we were on similar environmental org boards, etc, and she did a bang-up job of wills and DPOA and so on. She told me how to transfer the house into my name. WE DID NOT DISCUSS MEDICAID and I didn't think, at the time, that I needed to but neither did she suggest it . Six months later, more downward progression and I realized HOW do I think I can afford to pay $70,000/yr for my husband to be in a nursing home if necessary, when we live on under $50,000 for both of us?? So I had to then find another elderlaw attorney who DID know what I should do. She looked at, and approved of, the wills etc but also gave me a lot of very useful advice. Trouble is, it's different in every state to one degree or another, so we can't really advise specifics here, even if we were lawyers!