Well tonight I am crying enough for all of us. Crying for the pain and crying with the pointless question of why? Crying from having to see the light slowly dim in my husband's eyes, from the times he realizes what is happening to him, and from the harsh reality of what we are dealing with.
Crying from what we have lost and what we will continue to lose. Crying from the depth of my continued grief, the death of dreams and the sadness of his children.
And in the morning I will be back to my optimistic self, fighting the good fight...but tonite I am feeling pain and sadness.
Much is asked of us and much we deliver. But God it is a heavy load to bear, isn't it?
mY heart aches for you....I have been right where you are many, many times and I know that this doesn't go away, we just live on the surface of our grief as much as possible and periodically the sadness overwhelms us and we have to let ourselves bring alll of that grief to the surface....Go ahead and cry dear, and tomorrow hold your DH to yourself and let your love encircle you both . There are no anxwers but there is always love .
I understand your grief and am the one that will avoid crying as much as possible, but sometimes we need to just let it out as a way to process what we have lost and continue to lose. It is a very heavy load to bear and we are here to support you as you support us. Even though my DH does not seem to know me as his wife, I have to believe on some level he knows I am someone who cares for him so the love and optimism is what keeps us going as they slip further away.
shoegirl-none of us could possibly have known the total misery we are all suffering before we began this journey into hell. So sorry for us all. What would we do without each other.
Shoegirl, welcome to the club-the 'crying club', i think its only healthy to let it out -it does build up and eventual all hell breaks lose within, i would relate it a volcano erupting?? it lays dormant for yrs then the overflow just goes on and on then it dries and leaves the scars. how intune with AD huh?? maybe its mother natures way of letting go her stress too?:) i know how hard these times are personally i get overwhelmed at odd times but like you sucked it up and tried to ignore it for so long. you will feel better once its out of your system-i also find it easiier to begin the next days caregiving process over again with more tolerance and the much needed patience. gentle hugs to you today, divvi
Carewife said it well when she said: We just live on the surface of our grief as much as possible. So true. I try to hold back the tears, but the sadness is always there. I agree with Alice, too. My husband doesn't always know who I am, but I think he knows that I care about and for him. What a life.
Shoegirl, I have been where you are so many nights. My heart feels for yours. I pray everyday that what we are all going through is just a bad dream and we will wake up and find everything as it should be, I will always pray for that. But in the meantime, as Evalena's comment says to,when my husband looks at me and through broken words says I don't know you anymore,I tell him that ok,because I still know you. I think the tears have to come to cleanse out the sadness for a littlewhile. As you said,tomoorow your strenght will be back. You are blessed with the tears,not everyone can find them.
Awww ((shoegirl)) I too have been where you are... and I (we) will be there many more times before our journey is over. I like divvi's analogy. We are like that volcano, lying dormant for so long, until we simply can't go on another moment and need release. You go right a head and cry! Each tear is well earned. There is no shame in allowing your emotions to show. I think it takes much more strength and courage to show your feelings than hide from them.
So dear friend, cry and let yourself mourn... we are right here to hold your hand- and help you face another day. One of my favorite sayings.... Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says... I'll try again tomorrow. -- Mary Anne Radmacher-Hershey.
The harsh reality of what we're dealing with also hit me this weekend. I know exactly what you're talking about when you say you're seeing the light go out in his eyes. Mine too. I have cried all the way through this thread. Courage....yes, we will try again tomorrow.
Me, too...cried the whole time I read this one. But I think that crying does help get some of the built up stress out. The worst is when my DH says he's scared of what this disease is doing to him; so hard when he knows!
I wish I could cry - sometimes I try to make myself cry to let the tears of pain come out, but it just doesn't happen.I am sorry that we all have to experience watching our LO drift away like we don't matter. No matter what the reason, it hurts. It tears down all the dreams we had of this time of our lives.
dagma - I also wish I could cry to relieve some stress. I haven't cried for 4 years or so. I used to be the opposite and tears flowed over the least little thing unrelated to me. I think I willed tears away and I wish I could have them back sometimes. Others here also have the tears problem.
Oh yes, my DH woke up one night, saying he was really scared and he didn't know what to do. He knows he's losing his mind and it really scares him. I didn't know how to help except to tell him we were in this thing together and that I would be right there with him all the way. I don't think he remembered this the next morning because he didn't mention it but this was the worst thing I have had to deal with. I love him so much and it hurts beyond description when I see him this way.
The sad thing is, my husband says matter-of-factly "I just found one of those holes in my head" - and COUNTS ON ME TO FIX IT. Or rather to help him do or say whatever it is he's trying to say. Today he was trying to think of Marion Davies' name. Kept saying Helen.. you know, the house on the road down to the beach in Santa Monica .. the big house.. the guy with newspapers.. Orson Welles.. Until I realized he meant William Randolph Hearst's mistress. I couldn't remember the name and had to google it!
So now he relies on me more and more. Why does this not make me happy?? ;-)
Shoegirl--I've never been a weepy woman either--until today. IMy friend took me to my pulmonologist because I cannot drive any more. I got in there. He comes in and says "Well, how are things going?" and I lost it. He was so surprised. He asked--I told him about the AD, the worsening macjular degeneration, the vomitting, the nauseau, the hot flashes, the bleeding breakthru, etc., etc. I've been so tired. I often feel that I can't stand the constant questions, me having to repeat myself every word, I could go on.
Dr. decided he wanted me to take a little walking test. Found out my oxygen gets too low during a 5 min walk on a flat surface. Prescribed oxygen to be used during exercise. I sure am not happy about that but it's better than having a heart attach or a stroke.
Got home--tried to explain to DH what's happening. He suggested I not bother because it would take too mch room in the house. My gosh, it's only a little portable--weighs 4 lbs. I got really sore at him and told him he was the most insensitive person I'd ever met. He wsas clueless. Completely oblivious and doesn't know why I got so upset so fast. I walked away before I said something worse. A little while later he starts in with "what day is this. When do we leave to Easter vacation at our son's home? Have I made plane reservations? etc." We won't be leaving until spring. I started to crly. I couldn't stop. He said he wished I would stop crying because "you know how that upsets me."
I was bumped off because of long windedness here, which was probably best. I was a counselor for many years..trained to keep my own emotions in check. Now its the same. I have to stay calm and unemotional when things are NOT at all calm. The eruptions come though, in unexpected times. If allowed, I feel that the flood would wash me away. I admire anyone who can let the faucet run when it needs to.
Thanks everyone. It did feel pretty good to cry and even better to know I can reach out for friendship and support during those dark times.
I know what you all mean about volcanoes and floods of emotions, two years was a pretty long time for me to hold back.
It does make for some puffy eyes the next day though:) Even in the face of all this nastiness, a little vanity surfaces. It's a good distraction...vanity and shoes and the occasional shot of bourbon.