My husband adjusted poorly at first. He broke out through windows and alarmed doors several times. I had to hire a private aide as well as pay his rent. Every time my phone rang I was afraid I would have to take him out. He had been on a psych unit for quite a while as we could not place him. I prevailed on his doctor to manage aggression with medication. After a while we cut back on dosage. My husband is now stage 6-7 of FTD. My heart goes out to you.

Alice-STOP!!! You haven't failed anybody. The disease goes on-with or without you. FTD is so difficult because unless you intervene your husband will be given meds for AD which only make things worse. Sequel has worked well for us. Huge doses at first than tapered down. I'll be here for you.
Nora

I've got to get into the whole guilt issue.

None of us, no matter which version of dementia our LO has, has any reason to ge guilty. The only thing I did "wrong" was not to tell them to stop resusitating my husband during his EVENT. Of course I still don't know exactly how many times they did it. Or when the did it. And I was never present when it happened. Any of the times it happened. So how could I have told them to stop.

Truly, I have no reason to be guilty, and none of the rest of you have any reason either.

We all have points where we have to turn our LOs over to the hospitals and nursing homes and others need to take care of them. We went to Emergency once because his nose was bleeding and wouldn't stop. Should I feel guilty because I couldn't make it stop without help? If the time comes when I no longer can care for him because of the dementia, should I really feel guilty about that? And why are the two situations different?

Because they aren't different.

Alice,
I understand your pain and your concerns. My husband has been in an Alzheimer's facility for almost 2 years. He was 63 when I could no longer take care of him at home. The guilt of that decision is still with me. I think that guilt colors every decision I make. He is in his second facility as the first one was horrible and could not take care of him. It took me quite a while and a lot of complaining to finally reach the decision to move him. They tried to tell me I was too involved and concerned. I was also the only spouse of a resident in his section. All other residents were being cared for by children or nieces or other distant relatives. I had higher expectations than other family members. I visited him twice a day in the first facility and worked between and after visits. They could not get him to eat as they only came to his room and told him it was time to eat . When he did not go to the table, they assumed he was not hungry. I made sure he had 2 meals a day while I visited. He lost 30 lbs while he was there. They also could not get him to take his meds. I was able to hand them to him and he just took them. After a while, they told me they could not shower him. That also became my responsibility. I gave them every benefit of the doubt but they just did not understand dimentia residents eventhough all the residents in the locked area had dimentia. I moved him very quickly one day to a wonderful facility. They do everything he needs. I cannot even compare these 2 facilities as they are so different. He now gets excellent care. He is showered and dressed every time I visit which is now only once a day. They feed him as he has progressed past feeding himself. He is always medicated as they now crush his meds and mix with pudding which he gladly eats. He is calm and well adjusted. He did not even realize when I moved him. He has very little awareness of his surroundings.
You asked specifically about adjustment. My husband never realized he wasn't at home and never seemed to miss me. I do think his uncooperativeness may have been his reaction to new surroundings but I also believe they did not have the skills to care for him. I witnessed other residents constantly asking to go home. My husband never asked about home. You should expect them to be gentle, kind and respectful of him and his needs. His present facility has activites all day for the residents and they participate at their own level. All residents are included if possible and respected. I often witnessed the caregivers at his first facility laughing and making fun of the residents. That doesn't happen where he is now. I don't fear the phone ringing as they seem capable of handling all issues. His facility also has a social worker on staff at his location. She works 5 days a week and has become a very good friend. She has 2 support groups for family members. One of these groups is for spouses only as she recognizes our unique issues. We meet once a month and see each other often as we visit our spouses. This group has been wonderful for me as we discuss our concerns and problems with others who really understand much like this forum. I could go on and on but I won't. I will be glad to answer any specific questions you might have if I can. Just know that this isn't easy for anyone. I never dreamed my life would be what it is now but I am blessed to have him in a great facility and have my family nearby.

Thank you all for you insight. My DH is doing as well as can be expected. I have found in the short time he has been in the ALF that he has good days and not as good days (I guess we do too). He seems to be comfortable and although I would like him to shower when it is his time, sometimes he refuses. He did call me by name Monday, but lost that again by Tuesday. His family is coming in today and I know it is going to be extremely difficult for them as they have not seen him this way. I am concerned for them as well as my DH. I am concerned knowing they will have probably unaintentionally make me feel like I am not doing enough for his care. ( I will read the thread about that issue.) Thank you Blessed for all your info, it is helpful.