Ladies and Gentlemen, we have spoken about how life is after AD, but not how our marriages were before it (I do remember a few exceptions). I don't want to get into details, but was curious as to whether we had the "old fashion marriages" or the "modern marriages of the 60s" or the "new marriages of today" so to speak.
Old fashion - husband in charge - earns the income; wife stays home and cleans, cooks and raises the children. Most friends are couples from his job or their church/religious affiliation; and neighhbors.
Modern - couple is a partnership - share the decision making - sometime wife works, sometimes chooses to stay home, but it is her choice. Friends are from the neighborhood, church, jobs.
New - each person does his/her own thing - has individual friends rather than many couple friends; each has their own bank accounts and chooses which bills to pay; share raising the kids, decisions on everything are jointly agreed upon.
There are many more categories, and feel free to list them - and I don't know if the fact that we are all here now has any bearing at all on what type of marriage we had going into this disease or not. I thought we could explore, if any of you wish.
*********************************************** I'll go first:
Ours was old fashion for the first 18 years, then slid into modern after that. We were best friends when we married, and husband supported us so that I could be at home with the children when they came along. Later, after all of the children were in school, and finances took a turn (depression in Houston), it was necessary for me to work to maintain our lifestyle, something we both decided was best for the family. Our partnership has lasted until now - when I have to make all of the decisions and do everything. Wow, what a change!
I think I would call our marriage a hybrid. I did most of the cooking and cleaning. We shared errands. We made decisions together (usually although he did pick out our house and made the initial payment before I saw it). We had his, mine and our checking accounts. Friends were also his, mine and ours.
We enjoyed doing many things together and we also did some things apart. He played golf with his buddies on Saturday mornings. We played golf together on Sundays.
It would have been very easy to just do everything his way but with our age difference (23 years), I knew that there was a good chance that I would be alone some day so maintained female friendships and handled my own checking account. It was important to me that I be able to be independent when the time came. He supported this.
He made more money than me until he retired, then I made more money than him. He always had a sense of humor about that and it never bothered him - he would usually say something to the effect of "I want her to make enough to keep in in the style to which I want to become accustomed."
This was a second marriage for both of us. I believe the experience of our previous marriages and divorces did make a difference in how we handled things between us. There was always a lot of laughter between us. Arguments, while fierce, wouldn't last long as one or us or both of us would see the ridulousness of it and start laughing or lightening the mood. Something must have been very right for him as he told me many times that he trusted me to make the right decisions for him with this disease.
Ours was old-fashioned. He worked outside the home and I stayed home and raised the kids, did all the cooking, housework and he did the lawn and garden. After a few years he started his own business and from then on I helped with it and added it to the previous chores. Whenever I mentioned going to work somewhere else, he found another business to involve me in. He, even then, wanted me under his control. Didn't want me getting too involved with other ladies or not in the public workplace at all. In a way, I consider this a form of mental abuse. It is still hard for me to make new friends.
About 5 years before the first Neuro he complained he thought he had ALZ. because of short term memory problems and wanted to be tested. I didn't want to believe it because there was not that much of a change in his actions. He didn't seem that different from most other people our age.
How about a bit of everything. We did the Dad works, Mom stays home until my daughter was 12. But we always had different friends and different interests. I went to science fiction conventions. He did not. He went bowling. I didn't. Etc.
During our last few years working, although he always made more money, there were times we were actually doing quite similar jobs. We traded off vendors for a while because we were both doing office build-outs. My cube guy. His plumber. Of course at the same time he was designing contact lenses and I was programming Access databases.
We lived together 3yrs prior to marriage and I worked for my own money to keep my son in college - after we married i took over the essentials of running the home and we enjoyed common but mostly his friends and lots of happy hrs -get togethers= after work which i miss even today. DH asked me to quit working and just run the home later when we married-i accompanied him on many of out of town business meetings which was nice for both of us, - since then and the AD dx i just took over just about every aspect of running both our lives now. divvi
I guess we had the old fashioned marriage. I worked and my wife ran the house (except for the first 2 years when I was in Medical School and she worked to support us). As I often said - I made the money and she spent it. She took care of all bills, check book, etc. until AD got to the point that she couldn't do it. Our friends were a combination of childhood friends and newer ones from church, etc. Since we grew up together and started dating in highschool, the friends were often mutual. All decisions were discussed and agreed upon. Since our tastes are quite similar there were few if any disagreements. Regarding yard work, I did the big projects - building a rock garden and fish pond, clearing the area for her vegetable garden, etc. Then she took over the maintenance. She liked mowing lawns and shovelling snow, so I let her do it. She was an excellent cook and could put on great dinners for our friends. Since I took over the cooking there is no more of that. I can cook for 4 if I have to, but would prefer just cooking for the 2 of us.
Well, I'm not sure what we've had over the last almost 59 years. When we got married in 1950, I had a job as a clerk for an insurance company. I made $27/week net. He was a seaman but got laid off 2 months after we married and was out of work for almost 4 months before he got a great job in the aeromachinist industry. He worked for them for 38-1/2 years without a layoff or cutback. I continued my little job until I started to show with my first child and then had to resign. Can you imagine that? They couldn't have anyone with a visible pregnancy working in the public.
Anyway, I stayed at home until the 5th child started school. Then I went to work for a temporary agency. I worked for them off and on for 15 years. I was always home during summer vacation, spring and winter breaks. If one of the kids was sick, I didn't go to work. My husband always said he worked for the meat and potatoes and I made enough for a little gravy. :)
I started college when I was 45 years old and worked PT. After that when the youngest one graduated from HS I went to work FT. Had a wonderful job. Lots of autonomy and I loved it.
I retired in 93--we've been partners until the last few years and now I make all the decisions.
Thanks for bringing this up. Just reviewing our history, it sounds like a pretty fun ride until recently.
After completing my Masters Degree in Library Science and landing my first fulltime job, I joined an adult singles group through church. One of the members brought her brother to a Sunday night bowling activity and I took him home. <grin> We met Feb 10th, spent hours talking of everything possible for the next 2 days, except when I was at work and when he went home for the night. Extremely nervous, he knelt by me the night of Feb. 12th and proposed. There were tears in his eyes, he was so afraid I'd say, "No." Our wedding was August 31st the same year, 1974.
We melded what he could do and what I could do because we both had significant limitations. Anything physical was his bailewick, and I did the mental. With less than a grade school education he had difficulty getting employment so I was the "breadmaker"(his word for it). I did the bills and any other paper work (threatening to him because he can't read). Decisions were discussed and decided together. We had mutual friends and separate ones. When he'd be down because he wasn't a 'Breadwinner', I'd tell him we were a team and it didn't matter who earned what, because if he didn't do the things he did for us, I wounldn't be able to be the "Breadmaker." I returned to work 6 weeks after our daughter was born and he was the househusband, nanny,laundress,cook, yardman, auto maintainance guy, etc. He hunted and fished--and took me along. We camped. I made the lists, acquired and collected all the stuff we needed. He loaded, unloaded, set up and tore down. I never shot anything and caught the biggest fish of the night on a dead minnow, icefishing--he said you can't catch fish on a dead minnow. <HA!> We raised our daughter to be independent and go after the things she wants in her life--=she lives in California with her husband, and multiple exotic pets.
And now, things are way different. There is no team. There is no partnership. WE go to the store and to medical appointments. I am his Guardian--need I say more?
Old Fashioned from the get-go. She stayed home with the kids, and went back as a counselor when they were in middle and high school. She did all the cooking, cleaning, and house decision making. I hate all of that, and now I have to run a washing machine. She took care of me for 39 years, so I guess the last two have been my turn.
Ours is a second marriage with a 20 yrs spread in our ages. We both worked, and had a partnership while I raised my kids. his were grown. We married afte 7 yrs of courtship. When he was 68, he wanted to retire, so I took an early retirement from my job, and we traveled, and just enjoyed being together. We have been married 31 yrs now, and he's been going downhill for the last 5, but not so badly. Now, however, the decline is obvious, and I've said to him, you took care of me for the first 30 yrs, now it's my turn. 1 1/2 yrs ago I totally took over the bills, after his rotator cuff surgery. He never really was capable after that. So we've always had, I guess a modern marriage, our friends were old friends of mine, church friends and work friends most of whom we still have. We are fortunate that our friends have accepted his decline, but still see us socially. My DH is actually great socially, except he might ask the same question over and over.
Modern. Both our parents' marriage was old fashioned and neither of us liked what we saw growing up. We were partners in every sense, though sometimes it was very frustrating as would be expected. Wife never very good with numbers, finances, checkbooks or money (except spending it). Certain times 1 person had to be the tie breaker and those were the only difficult times. She insisted on working as she is (was) a very social person. I'd rather she stayed home with the kids but I never won that one. I always helped with everything around the house.. we were partners and best friends. Married 33 years. Now, its kinda one way. And, she frequently lets me know we aren't friends anymore. Kinda hard to keep this one brief isn't it? Thenneck
I would say we were more in the modern vein..married right out of college, I taught to put him thru dental school, two years Navy then private practice. I ended up working front desk for about 25 years...hated the job, but loved the people(patients). We divvied up nearly everything decision-wise, work, etc. Our son couldn't believe we could be together 24/7 without quarrels, but we managed nearly all the time...sense of humor the major helper. Then his heart fib started, and it was downhill for a bit until he got his ICD device 9 years ago..now has #2. Still good until about 4 years ago when the MONSTER moved in out of the blue. I was in shock..he had retired by then..good thing. Now I'm running the show and hating it. The Monster still shows up on occasion...any relationship we had is history. Stiff upper lip isn't cutting it any more. Oh well.
I guess we were a multi-hybrid. He came from a traditional European large family. Mother did everything, including work outside the home. I never saw Father pick up a dish--once or twice he painted around the house. She was born 100 yrs too soon. Today she'd be some sort of spectacular woman you'd all know. I don't think she was ever happy. My parents were typical Americans, no money during depression times, sometimes no job, but Mom believed women should not work outside the home--period. She was never happy either, but that was just her disposition--nothing to do w/marriage--but she was a good Mom, Dad was beyond terrific. I had a wonderful childhood. DH loved me in grammar school, I didn't 'catch on' until we were seniors in high school and then it was only him. We were so poor we borrowed $65 for a week-end honeymoon in 1950. He went to Korea, came home, was ambitious, I never was, he wanted to start a business. I told him, 'do it now & I'll work while I'm still young enough' and he did. It took a couple failures, about 20 yrs but he finally made it. I did work & volunteered a lot, but I was a homebody, a loner, still am. Social life was our siblings, lots of family stuff, he had a few male friends. He always gave payck to me & I accepted the responsibility--it just happened, we never discussed it. Over the years I'd see fear and terror in his eyes and never could find out why. I thought we were well suited, mostly he deferred to me. Now I know he thought he was losing his mind--the terror--and he deferred to me because decisions and remembering things were too difficult for him, he put it on me. Sometimes I felt like I was pulling us both uphill w/a locomotive tied around his ankle--but, damn, I was happy, I really was. He was a genius in areas of his work, designing and manufacturing small electro-mechanical units that went in all the early space shots. We raised great kids. But sometimes things were so difficult between us and I never knew why, we loved each other, but sometimes------. Well, who knew we were living with a brain disease that had control of both our lives? Who knew? It was there for decades and sometimes I wonder what our marriage might have been like if it wasn't for AD.
I married a professor at Rice when I was a student there! I was 20- ALMOST 21, he was 32. When growing up I felt my family was happy. *I* was happy, anyhow. Looking back, I realize my grandmother lived with us (and drove my father quietly crazy), my mother had TB and died of it when I was 19.. so I'm not sure how accurate my perception was. I went to Rice in Houston and at the end of my junior year married a nice young math professor - we just passed our 52nd anniversary. That was permitted then; there were a number of faculty wives who'd married profs. I worked a few years, we had a couple of sons, we moved to California, adopted our daughter, and moved to RI in 1970. I got my teaching certificate here and taught 1 year in a private school before I figured out that 3 kids at home were enough - I didn't want to deal with them during the day! So I went to work at Brown U. and stayed there for 20 years, mostly doing computer support, teaching classes to staff on computing, etc etc. Loved it. My husband was at a professional society here, never minded my doing my own thing. I took over the finances oh.. many years ago.. and he was never much good around the house so I learned how to either do stuff or get someone to do it. He didn't really know how to deal with the boys but didn't mind them, was proud of them in theory, just not able to relate to them much in practice (which of course meant that I was The Enforcer). Our daughter he has adored since Day One, as do I.
He never condescended to me, really, or stopped me from doing what I wanted to do. But for many years, until the last year, he was usually very self-absorbed, "doing math", while I shut the kids up or got them out of his hair. When they left home (our daughter lives with us but in our big house she can escape easily) he and I had little in common, it seemed. Noise annoyed him. Sports annoyed him. My friends annoyed him. His physical problems which he'd had since he was 14 meant he couldn't walk well, wasn't comfortable travelling or going to movies, etc. So I worked full time, had a great job I worked very hard at, and we lived pretty separate lives. In 1985 when he was 61 he retired (long, funny, story as to reason). I kept working until 1997, when I turned 62, full-time, part time and running my own consulting business after that. In 1997 I said I wanted to have some time to travel before I had to take care of him, so I retired. He'd had a couple of serious hospital stays, one in 1984 and one in 1995, so I figured I'd have only a few years. I got ten. I travelled all over, alone; he coped at home pretty well, though my daughter was always here. I did a lot of volunteer work along with paid work, enjoyed myself a lot. So that's why if I sometimes seem less infuriated than some of you, it's because I HAVE had an adventurous, fulfilling life, and all along expected to spend time care-giving - but I thought it would be physical caregiving, didn't anticipate the dementia. When the dementia started is a question to me - probably around the third hospital episode, in 2000.
NOW, he's not trying to cope so much with understanding math or computers or much of anything, and he's much easier to deal with. He even seems to be able to hear better!
I met my husband when we wear both sixteen yrs. old. married at eighteen; I worked while he attended college. After college he became a pilot in the Air Force and then for the next ten years we traveled many miles every eighteen months from one Air Base to another. During that time, we had five beautiful children. After ten years, he left the service to be home with our family. He taught high school history and I completed college, earning a Master's Degree in Special Education, majoring in Speech Pathology. My sweetheart and I had a special connectiion, loving each other very much and doing everything togeether. We had friends but really didn't need others, we loved being together, had the same interests, and spent many hours discussing a myriad of subjects. After we retired, we took up golf, traveled to many places we hadn't been able to see while working. We had five good years after retirement and then I began to notice that my husband was having difficulty with his memory. I began to assume more responsibility for making decisions, taking care of our checkbook, paying bills, etc. His was a gradual decline,but I finally had to confront his problems and I started to take him to doctors to ascertain the problem. Finally, my son made an appointment with a Memory diagnostic Clinic, an adjunct to a University research department in our city. The diagnosis was probable Dementia of the ALzheimer's kind. I was able to keep my dear husband at home for 31/2 years but by then I had been diagnosed with Parkinsons Disease and could no longer take care of him at home. It broke my heart to place him in a nursing home and I have been grieving since then and will continue to grieve until I lose him completely. My other self is now gone from me and a beloved stranger whom I love but not in love with inhabits his familiar body. I only have my memories of our life together now and I mourn for the happy years. But I had to make a concious decision this past year to continue to live in the past or to begin a life alone. I chose to make a life for myself. But I still act as advocate for my dear husband and visit him regularly, regretting the lost years but rejoicing in a wonderful marriage.
All of your stories are so touching and I thank you for sharing them.
Our story is a bit different as there is a 35 year age difference between us. I was 18 and fresh out of high school. I had a temp job as a waitress/ cook at the local diner. I had worked there since I was 12 during the summers. I had known Lynn most of my life. He was one of my little league coaches :)
I needed extra money for college, and Lynn offered me a part time job working for him. He was a master builder and plumber. I helped him turn a plot of land into beautiful homes. He was wonderful in his field, there was nothing he couldn't do! He turned 2x4's into masterpieces! Somewhere along the way, the late nights doing the finishing work. The quiet work, like painting and applying urethane, we talked and talked.. and I feel in love.
I remember like it was yesterday the day I decided to let him know how much I cared. I wrote him a letter explaining how much I had come to care for him and with my Irish grits the last line I wrote was .... meet me by the tree, if you care or if you dare... Such spunk I had back then!! LOL. He met me by "our" tree, where we often ate our lunch or dinner. But, it wasn't to tell me he was madly in love with me... it was to tell me he was extremely flattered, but I was just a child.
I was crushed! And a bit miffed too! That night, I resolved that I WOULD find a way to make him see me for the woman I was. The poor bugger, he fought with all he had.. but I won that war :) We often had to overcome prejudice. It didn't bother me, but Lynn... he hated the looks people gave him. In time, I convinced him other people did not matter, all that mattered was what we felt in our hearts. Love can never be wrong.
We both worked, he encouraged my independence. He cheered me on when I went back to school. We shared the chores. Though I cooked as he is awful at it! He insisted I have my own bank account. Money I earned was mine. He never wanted me to feel I had to "ask" for anything. So we had his - hers- and household accounts. We were never rich, but we always scrapped up enough money.
I am remembering now - how we went to Prince Edward Island for our honeymoon. We didn't have a lot of money, I saw this china tea set I simply loved. It had lady slippers on it - I love those. I remember clearly the blow to Lynn's pride that we couldn't afford it. Just as I recall convincing him I didn't want it, nor need it. On our first anniversary, I opened a huge box, inside.. was the complete tea set!!! He had written down the number to the store, saved all year and called all the way to Canada to have it sent to me. I will treasure it always.
I became ill in 1999, I developed debilitating pain from the neurological conditions - Trigeminal Neuralgia and Occipital neuralgia. I under went several brain surgeries to try to relieve the pain, but they all failed. Those first few years in pain, I truly did not want to live. It is by the grace of God, and the love of my family and Lynn I made it to where I am today. I am still in great daily pain, but I have come to accept it and have even learned how to enjoy and treasure life with it- and despite it.
Lynn had to do everything for me those first couple of years. I was sick from the meds and he held me as I tossed my cookies. He rocked me to sleep every night. He worked hard all day, came home to fix me lunch and give me my meds, then back to work. He then came home and did all the housework and cooking. He did learn to cook! He never once complained. Not once. He told me over and over how he wish he could take my pain away. That he would gladly take it himself to spare me. I know he would have. Now, it is my turn to take care of him.....
Nikki, even though this isn't related to the line here, it is related to your story. And what a lovely Princess story you have.
I have a niece who meet her future husband in seminary school. She was 23 and he was 35-ish when they married. She "pursued" him for three years and she finally won. He even moved out of state because he felt it would be better for her. She is a spirited soul at 5 foot 1 pushing it and very light blond. He is a quite passive thing at 6 foot 6 and may be more and very dark with Indian and Mexican blood. What an unusual pair. She is so happy being a youth-pastor's wife. they have a darling little boy. Sometimes love really does make everything work.
Second marriage for both of us, and there's a 19-year age difference.
We did pretty much everything together.
We worked together, with my husband actually working for me. I owned the company, and although he was officially CEO for the first dozen years, I did most of the strategic planning and decided the course of the company, chose teaming partners, etc. He never, but never, "told" me what to do. (Very intelligent.) He ran interference for me, did the general management and admin things I hated, so I could be free to focus on my areas of expertise and what I wanted to do.
At home, I suppose you'd say we shared decisions. We didn't talk a whole lot about stuff -- things just sort of got done. We rarely disagreed or were unhappy about what the other had done. We just seemed to know what the other one wanted or preferred. I handled the household finances.
We shared chores ... kind of. The dear man did more of the housework than I did, and almost all of the yardwork, and took care of repairs and auto maintenance, all that kind of thing. The only thing I did more than he was cooking. *sigh* Do I ever miss those days!
Since we originally met when we started working together at another company, it was risky to let anyone know we had a personal relationship. So we kept pretty much to ourselves, but that was fine by me. He's been my best friend, and pretty much my world. Sure, I know all sorts of people, scientists collaborate with other scientists all around the world. But they are professional acquaintances, not close friends.
AD pretty much snuck up on us. He was sleeping a lot, absent-minded, I thought stressed out and depressed (major problems with the company, resulting in major financial problems.) If I got upset over his forgetting something, he was sooooo contrite, so anxious to make me happy again. Poor lamb. Knowing now it was the AD, I bitterly regret having gotten upset with him. (But I think he's forgotten!!!)
Definitely modern! It was 1975 I was recently divorced with 3yr old and met my LO on a hill when he was setting up his hangglider. He was a Physics Phd working in research in a medical school and I was working in the same medical school in Biomedical engineering division. It was love at 1st sight...I loved the way he looked in his jeans. On the following Monday he came looking for me, we greeted each other in the hall for about 30 sec. and he asked if he could call...........that was it! After 1 week, we had both broken off all other social connections and made a commitment to each other. We dated for almost 3 years then bought a house together and 1 month later decided marriage was the perfect next step. 2 months later he adopted my son. From the beginning we referred to our relationship as the "Equal opportunity relationship". We shared everything equally. We both cooked (every other day) and "he who cooked also cleaned" which meant one of us could count on having 1 night off from duties. He took care of the cars, I took care of the laundry and divided up everything accordingly. We had 9 accounts, he-checking, savings and credit cards, me the same and then we had household checking, savings and credit cards. Our budget was only for the household, if either one of us had money left over we could spend as we pleased. He could buy hanggliders, motorcycles, boats, windsurfers etc. and I could do whatever. All joint expenses were discussed and purchased out of budgeted funds or we each contributed equally. After about 20 years we did away with the separate accounts and now after 30 years we have only joint accounts. My "absent minded professor" has never had the patience or desire to want to pay bills or make a budget etc. For years I have made investment decisions, coordinated purchases and sales of assets, paid bills, dealt with any financial issues simply because those things do not interest him. What I have cherished over the years is his brains. The most exciting thing in our lives (outside of our physical relationship) has been our intellectual conversations. How exciting it has been to sit in the hot tub and discuss the big bang, the origin of life, the meaning of everything..............We are beginning to no longer have these conversations in the same way we once had. We were fortunate to travel in our lives together and lived in the Virgin Islands and traveled all over the Caribbean for 17 years. We now live in Florida and he has just resigned from the college. I still own my own company and work full time every day although I am altering my schedule daily to fit the changes we are experiencing.
We had a wonderful life before dementia and the tumor. We had been married for four years and had dated for four years before we was married. He was my everything, my heart beat. He was such a fun, out going person. He loved me and showed me he cared. Never forgot my birthday or anniversary. Would take me out to eat. Would hold me in his arms and tell me he loved me. It makes me want to cry just thinking about what we did have. I hate what that brain tumor did to our lives. He isn't the same anymore. so sad. but the kids have so many of his qualities and each day i see their dad come out of them. Each one has his ways. We never expected to have another child after he was diagnosed with brain tumor in 99 and in 2004 we had a son and a surprise in 2006. Life is not what we intend sometimes but it is in the storms that we must look at something postive to make it.
During the last 28 years, we had almost every kind of marriage. At first, we worked together. When our kids were young, we had the traditional. When our youngest went to kindergarten, I started college. When I went to law school, my DH became Mr. Mom and cooked and cleaned as much or more than I did. When I graduated from law school, we both worked. Later, when our family life involved eating out 5 times a week and our house was deteriorating from lack of attention, my DH became a full time Mr. Mom. Then, later, he returned to work as a commercial HVAC specialist. We've been through all kinds of marriage and, thankfully, have found love, comfort, strength, and hope in each other through all of the different phases ... now, "my person" is not here.
This year is our 35th anniversary. I guess that we had a modern marriage in that we both worked. Mary was an elementary school teacher for 28 years over a 34 year span. ( Two 2 year maternity leaves.) We always had joint accounts and made decisions together. I did most of the cooking because although school let out two hours before I got off work, she would routinely stay in the classroom until well after six o'clock. She took care of the house and I took care of the yard and maintenance issues. I really can't remember any serious disagreements over all of these years because we each would defer to the other and generally, we each would be happy as long as the other was happy.
We have weathered some pretty difficult times together. One of our children became a suicidal drug abuser and we went through several years seeing him in and out of hospitals, out patient treatment and through persistant "relapses." In fact, when Mary first began to exhibit problems with memory and word finding, it was assumed to be some sort of post traumatic stress. Of course, this was not the case and over the past six years, she has lost most of her language skills and the ability to care for herself. I have vowed to keep her as happy as she can be and, fortunately, this has not been too hard a goal. She is still very sweet and loving, responds to affection and loves anything having to do with music. We have a great time together as long as I don't have any expectations. She can't follow any directions, including asking her to close the car door, hold something for a moment, etc. It is very discouraging when I realize how much we have lost, so I try to emphasize what we still have.
I tried to get into the area about members' love stories, but it doesn't seem to be up. I want to tell our story sometime. It's really different than most.
Thank you for sharing, baltobob. It's encouraging to hear that amicable spouses can stay that way. My DH went through a spell where he was cruel, but then his kindness and gentleness returned. Oddly, his language skills are the skills that he has kept. I say odd because language skills have always been his "weakest link." He was always a person who could learn to do almost anything by watching someoen do it. Now, that kind of learning is all but gone. His ability to continue to communicate (talking, not writing) makes it look like he is better. His memory impairment and executive dysfunction are severe, so that is the area of his brain most affected. The neuropsych test showed that he has more damage/deterioration in the right side of his brain and in the anterior part. I still don't exactly know what is meant by the anterior part. Is that the frontal part or some place different? Any way, he still had overall / diffuse cognitive impairment that "should be considered moderately severe." Still, he can talk, but only when you talk to him. He simply cannot reason, actively participate in a discussion, or be a part of life, but he can name that object, person, or thing most of the time. It reminds me of your description of your DW. My husband cannot follow directions very well. He can still follow simple directions, but often gets lost and needs to be reminded. Oh, well, it is good to know he might stay gentle for a while.
Modern: A little over 34 yrs ago I met my DH in a local bar. He and I were both between marriages I was his 3rd. He had 5 children and I had 2 his were teenagers and older and mine were only 2 and 4. When he first asked me to marry him I had said "no way jose" I had just been divorced for 3 months and I wasn't ready to jump into another possible disaster that soon. Well after 3 months of begging, a color TV, a dozen roses, and a box of chocolates I gave in. We too did not have any money so we spent the night in a local motel and we both went to work the next day. I always worked since my divorce so it meant nothing for me to keep working. My DH was a cadillac car hauler and he fell off his truck and had major back surgery but that extremely physical job was now out of the question so he got another trucking job being again on the road 5 days and nights and home 2. I was used to making all the decisions and taking care of running the home and finances and he would do repairs and the yard on the weekends. This went on for years and years all our friends were mine and my social life stopped because we were enjoying each other on the weekends. Even when my DH got prostate cancer he still worked and got his radiation treatments after work. All was still going great he was still my handyman until things started to deteriorate he was now in his 70's lost his Fed Ex job and went to WalMart as maintenance but tired of cleaning the messes in the bathroom and quit that job and was delivering auto parts to garages and was extremely happy with that job but his heart belonged to the long haul highway job. He got very depressed about no one would hire him because he was over 70yrs old. He never wanted to retire.
Last May what a freak of accidents happened he fell down a flight of stairs breaking his knee cap and I fell at the airport breaking my elbow at almost the same exact time but in different states. While he was in a NH for rehab it became quite apparent that he was going down hill mentally but having to heal his broken leg we thought was putting him in such a depressed state. He had speech therapy and physical therapy and it was brought to my attention that he was not as sharp as he used to be. He lost his parts delivery job and no one would hire him and he became more depressed. I guess I was in denial until he started to become combative physically and verbally. Hey this isn't the sweet man that would walk through fire for me. I didn't provoke this. You know sometime you would have a fight with your spouse just so you could have wild and crazy sex and make up and all would be better. More and more things were being left undone and he got more depressed he even wanted to see a marriage councilor because he was convinced it was me that was the problem. Well more beatings and I finally had to call for bigger and better help so my best girlfriend and I took him to the hospital and said here once and for all will you tell us what is happening with my DH he was put in the geriatric psych unit and from there he is now in a NH about 20 miles from home. He refuses to believe even yet that he is sick and that the Dr. and I are having an affair and keeping him there for no reason. I truly miss my big tough he man truck driver who was going to be my protector and partner through our golden years.