I’m confused about how I feel (or should feel) and I figured you all would be more help than anyone else-
I’ve joined a Grief Group for widows and widowers thru hospice. I’m the only one there whose spouse died of Alz – and I just don’t feel like I fit in. I don’t seem to be grieving in the same way as any of the other people and I wonder if that’s because of Alz. I feel sad sometimes, and I miss the real Gary often, but I’m not GRIEF STRICKEN in the same way as the other folks seem to be. I don’t think I’m suppressing my feelings (which is the vibe I get from the counselors). I feel pretty much ok, most of the time.
Here are the different ways I feel.
1. Sad that he suffered 2. Sad that the real Gary isn’t with me 3. Yearning 4. Glad he’s released 5. Relieved I don’t have to take care of a crazy person 6. Looking forward to the future 7. Scared about the future 8. Generally ok 9. Sometimes really quite happy.
But I can’t help wondering if the counselors are right – am I avoiding my true feelings? Will I have some giant meltdown later on because of that? Or am I really as ok as I feel?
beenthere you seem ok to me. My husband is end stage and I think I have done the grieving. Like you I have tried support groups and really feel that family and friends that I can open up to are better. I actually go to a group at my husband's ALF to support the support group.
I will keep your post here, but I am also going to add it to the "Ad Widows and Widowers" discussion. Not a lot of people know about that yet - I am going to advertise it - when it becomes known, my guess is that there will be a lot of the type of support and answers you are looking for.
I can tell you that from what I have heard, AD widows/widowers ARE different than those whose spouses have died from other causes. The AD w/w has grieved for YEARS, and their spouse was gone long before they took their last breath, so often there is a sense of relief that both of your suffering is over. This is not true of ALL AD w/w of course, but it is for many.
beenthere, you've spent years mourning the loss of your husband. You've had to adjust to a series of declines, each one of which took you through the "normal" grieving process all over again. It's just not the same thing as losing your husband to an accident, or sudden illness.
And even something like cancer, that can involve many months, or years, of suffering only affects the body, not the brain. The essence of your husband is still there, right until the end, when he dies of cancer or most other terminal illnesses. You lost the reality of your husband long ago.
I found when my first husband died of cancer (six months after diagnosis) that I could be fine for relatively long periods of time (hours, sometimes a day or two). Then I'd have a short but extremely intense period of grief. I think that my brain suppressed the grief until I was in a safe time and place to let a little of it out. I wouldn't have survived that intensity of feeling otherwise.
But I would ONLY be fine for a few hours, or a day or two, and then only when I was fully occupied with work, etc.
You feel the way you feel, and the way you feel is normal for you. I don't think you'll go along fine for months and then fall apart. I think you are where the other widows will be in another year or two.
I agree with Sunshyne...you are probably where the other widows and widowers will be in another year or two. I base this on my experience right now. I have been grieving for 8 yrs. over the loss of my sweetheart;the grief is never ending because I don't have closure; he is gone leaving a beloved stranger whom I love but I am not in love with. He has a familiar body, mannerisms, and much loved countenance and every time I see him, I am struck with sadness and grief for what we have lost. This will continue to happen until he leaves this earth and is once again a whole soul with a healthy mind and spirit. I have faith that God someday with allow me to be with my love and we will discuss this Alzheimer journey. You now have closure and continue to live the life you have been living for some time alone.
Dear Beenthere: You won't have a meltdown--I never did. What good would it do? I cried & grieved for years until there was nothing left to grieve for. Yes, deep feellings of loss and sadness, but your points are right on, sometimes you're just happy.--I was and mostly I am. Don't let anyone push you into a cubbyhole. Your feelings are valid and normal for you. You're doing just fine.