B.'s mother is dying. She lives in Canada, we live in Arizona. B. has a very close relationship with his mother, always has. Talks to her on the phone 2 or 3 times a week. When we lived in Canada, he took care of her.
I explained to him what was happening and asked (many times) if he wanted us to fly up to see her before she passes. He feels that he said goodbye the last time he saw her...he thinks he spent five weeks with her last summer, that must be what it feels like to him. In reality it was 10 days, two summers ago...but who am I to say what reality is in matters of the heart.
I'm glad that he seems to be okay AND I just have this pervasive feeling of sadness about the whole thing.
MY DH's parents passed away 20 years ago and he asks me often if his parents are still alive, I usually tell him the truth, I find it works better, since if I lie, he suddenly has a moment of lucidity, and calls me on it. Anyway, when I tell him they died, he cried, and he wants to know if he was at the funeral. (this also happens with old friends) and then he becomes even more upset because he forgot. Let him think he spent 5 weeks with her last summer, unless you feel that his mother (whosse condition you didn't mention) needs closure with him. Then you would be doing it for her. But let him think whatever he thinks if it makes him comfortable. But you might need to go for the funeral, just because he will ask you if he was there. Of course, that depends on your own custom.
I haven't experienced this, but I have heard two different sides of it. In some cases, if their memory is so bad that they don't remember the person died, it is like experiencing the news and the grief for the first time every time they hear it. That is why experts advise if someone with advanced AD keeps asking for their parent who died years ago, it's better to tell them that the parent is away and will call later. When later comes, they have forgotten it.
The other side is closer to your husband's situation, I think. If he feels he has said his goodbye, leave it be. It is, as you say, his reality, and it will probably cause more stress and aggravation to make him go to the funeral.
Shoegirl, my DH asks all the time for his 2 deceased brothers both were doctors and gosh do i miss them both-, one passed in '95 the other last yr. he was very close to both. sometimes he says he 'sees' them all the time which if unnerving is somewhat comforting to think he can :) i just tell him he will see them again 'soon" and leave it at that- divvi
Thanks all...again I am travelling without a map. He does still remember and I think we will just stay here. I think his Mom feels like she has closure. It's a tough call, but that what I'm gonna do.
This has not been an issue for my DH but it was for my Mom. She claimed to see her Mom and brothers and sisters in the house. Would ask about brother or sister (who had passed years ago). At first I told her they had died but she got upset and cried. Said why didn't someone tell her. I told her she went to the funeral and she didn't believe me so I learned to just go along with her as best as I could. My DH has a family runion about 100 miles away in October. Not sure if it would be wise to take him or not. I have a feeling he will not want to go. He sleeps most of the time, is not attentive and does not carry on a conversation. His sisters are all in their 80's and would like to see him. Guess we will play it by ear.
Hank's older brother is in a NH with AD. He has been telling the nurses his brother died two days ago - he has been saying that for over a month now. Maybe that is just his way of coming to terms with this.
Imohr--- Suggestiuon. Since the reunion is only about 100 miles away (a couple hours by car), why not suggest that his sisters extend their trip to come see him? They evedently are well enough to travel. Since ytou wouldn't have expenses of the trip yourself, you could offer help with the cost of a Hotel/Motel for overnight. This way you'd have control of the stress level for the 2 of you(not a full reunion setting) and yet his sisters could have a visit with him.
Just thought it might be a way to provide everyone the contact that so often goes missing witrh this disease.
Carosi Thank you for your suggestion, but in this case it would not work. His sisters health are all frail. One sister has a DH and DD both at home with full 100% care needed for various problems. I am sure she will be there and bring the 2 family members in wheelchairs with help of another daughter. And her health is frail. Talk about stress, I don't know how she does it.
Another sister has to catherize herself for 3 years. I don't know how she does that either.
Sister in law is in final stage of kidney disease and 2 other sisters have some dementia and frail health. None of them drive.
At this point my plan is to not make any plans until the week of and see how he is doing and then ask him if he wants to go.