I invite you to go to the home page and read today's blog - "Preparing for the worst - if you die before your spouse". I am not necessarily talking about all of the legal documents most of us have prepared - the blog disusses daily living issues. I would like to hear your ideas and opinions.
This is something that should be addressed when the legal documents are done. If something should happen to me, his son will be taking over his care. This was set up in his DPOA.
This is one area where I am glad that he is already in a facility. I have talked with others and there are some people who ended up taking care of a LO and just couldn't handle so the person ended up in a facility. One of the more thoughtful stories I heard was about a man whose wife had AD. He found out he had terminal cancer so he set everything up for her care before he died.
In a way this is similar to a child. When your children are young, you set up someone to take care of them if anything should happen to you. Why should this situation not be looked at the same way?
I am not sure what route would be best if there was no family member or close friend that could take over. I do know of some cases where a lawyer took over care. I have very mixed thoughts about that one especially if there is a lot of money involved.
My first thought was selfish. If I'm dead, then I don't have to worry any more. I don't have to make certain that the house, cars, bills, insurance, medicine are up to date and paid for, nor do I have the responsiblities for a child in an adult body. Those responsibities are now on my daughters' shoulders. I'm free!
My second thought was that my organizational self has already done the things you listed in your blog as the natural order of things! I had already seen to my husband's future needs automatically, because as my heart and soul have looked after him for 47 years, I had already put the steps in place for when I'm gone! I have more insurance than they could possibly need; everything will be paid for when I'm gone; the bills are all on automatic bank draft and the daughters are signatories on that account, so until they stop them, they will continue to be paid; they are on the bank lock box; the pharmacist and doctors know them and will take care of their needs; the names of the people at my job to be notified if I die have been discussed and they know the two people personally now; they know the pastor, the funeral home, and the owner of the cemetery where our plots are located (I used to work for him - he is also an attorney!). There is even a letter "to be opened upon my death" in "my documents" on my computer! WOW! It's hard for me to believe that I have been so organized when my mind feels like it is in shambles most of the time now! We did our wills and DPOA and living wills at the same time. (Also, remember I have one daughter and now my 18 year old grandson living with me and they know how to care for him very well.)
However, all four of my children say that I am not allowed to die before them. I told them "good luck"! <grin>
(I told the kids to bury me without any jewelry (why waste it) and in my nightgown in a closed casket in a pine box then use the money to throw a big party and remember the fun times!)
Despite the fact that I'm nineteen years younger than my husband, this is a very serious concern for me. His children would take anything they could get their hands on, and leave him starving in a gutter. Literally.
I have set up a living trust, and located a professional certified guardian / private fiduciary to serve as the trustee and care for him. The one I've chosen has a fairly large staff of her own (pretty unusual) and a large network of experts, so she has access to experts for anything my husband might need -- financial, legal, healthcare, you name it. She understands he would like to stay in the house for as long as he can, and she has clients much farther along than he, still living at home with her help. And since she has staff, I don't have to worry about what would happen when/if she's sick herself.
She has a file of all the legal paperwork and contact info for the attorneys involved, my husband's doctors and notes on his medical conditions, my legal paperwork (she will make decisions for me if I become incapacitated) and contact info for my doctors etc. I've also named an alternate trustee, not quite as spectacular but with solid references, in case something happens to my first choice.
If something happens to me first, my son has DPOA over my needs and finances if i live but incapacitated. i am sure my DH daughter who is alternate on health care poa would get guardianship over him and take over his care. that being said, i am not sure how long he would last without them putting him in a facility even though he has the money to cover inhome care. you never know how money will affect care guidelines do we? esp if we arent there anymore its not something i like to ponder, divvi-
We saw an elder care attorney immediately when my husband was diagnosed at 55 years of age. My older daughter in the Midwest would take my husband back home with her if I died. I know my husband will hate the move because he doesn't like the weather in Iowa and all of our friends are in NC. I know he will deteriorate rapidly if this happens, and it makes me very sad. I hope I can be here for him the entire time. He has been my comfortable slipper before he got sick, and I want to be his until he goes home. Lilly
Well, I did do the legal paperwork that puts my daughter in charge if I go first, and her husband in charge if I go and she is already gone. I trust both of them to take care of my husband so that is that.
The other idea, having a list of EVERYTHING I pay out and who I pay it to is a very good idea. Because I've never done it before since I have always hated the idea of a formal budget I've been writing down which bills I'm paying (in addition to in the checkbook) for the last several months. I know I'll need the information if we ever need to go the Medicaid route. Turning that into a real list, with account numbers, monthly amounts (averaged over a year) etc. won't be all that hard to do, so I'll get on it. It happens to be an excellent idea.
I’ve thought a lot about this topic since I wound up in the emergency room myself. Last year there was another subject on the message boards about this: “What happens to my husband if something happens to me?”
Recently I found a book called “Who Cares – A Loving Guide for Caregivers” by Dee Marrella. I thought at first it was another book on how to be a caregiver. Instead, it’s a book where you record what you would want your own caregiver to know if you were unable to communicate. That made me think about the things that make life easier for my DH that nobody else would know—that too much television or radio noise makes him very uncomfortable, that greasy foods make him sick, that he has a lot of pain most of the time from arthritis and old injuries, that he has definite food likes and dislikes, that he is allergic to almost all soaps and shampoos, that he doesn’t like to be around more than one or two people, that he sleeps with a night light so he can see what’s going on…..
We have most of the legal and financial things already taken care of, but all these little things would be a total mystery to another caregiver, and they could really make a difference for DH if I am not around. I am working on getting a letter from DH’s doctor that if he is in a nursing home he is not to be “socialized”, because being around people makes him very uncomfortable. It is my understanding that you have to have a doctor’s order for a loved one not to be out and about, even at the end stage, because it is required by law that socialization occur.
In addition, periodically I type out a page or so about DH’s present condition—what he can do, what he can’t do, and things to watch out for. In addition, I’m making a detailed file about his medical condition—what doctors he sees and what issues are outstanding with various illnesses—because I don’t think anybody could reconstruct that without the list.
This book also made me think about what I would want a future caregiver to know about me, since my own DH is the only one who would know all these things about me. So now I’m working on my own caregiver list, too, in addition to DH’s.
Excellent advice. Thank you. The book you mentioned is available from Amazon - used - for $.01 - I put the link on the front page of the website - it's right under the Daily News.
I thought I was the only one who thought about this subject. My MIL died suddenley of a heart attach. We knew Dad was failing but she hadn't said a word to us. It's quite probably that she didn't know what it was or how to describe it. She had asked me to have DH take him to a doctor because he was getting so forgetful. This was 3 weeks before she passed away. Turned out that FIL had advanced AD and had to be place din a facility right away with 24/7 care. I've been told so many times that often the caregiver goes before the care receiver.
So far, I've had an attorney redo our POA's, and health directives. We've purchased Neptune so there will be no final expenses there. We have enough $$ to last another 10 years IF everything goes ok and Dh can stay at home. If he has to go into a facility, the $$ will go downhill fast. I've looked into lTC insurance too late. Obviously, it isn't available to him and it's doubtful that it's available to me (Diabetes and COPD). An insurance person was here yesterday and is checking to see if I do qualify. However, the minimum cost would be $250 a month up to $400. I do not think I can afford that.
I am checking into buying la life insurance policy to cover final expenses.
I have this huge long To-Do list and as things get done, I cross them off. I love to see that red line go through stuff. It's amazing how much I've managed to do. HOWEVER, I have not done anything regarding who takes care of DH if I go first. I guess I need to call that attorney back and see what needs to be done. I'll do that first. The only one of my kids who can take care of DH is our son in Missouri. DH has said over and over again he would never move to Missouri because there is no ocean and they don't have any decent mountains. (He loves the Cascades.) I need to talk to that son.
Today I'[m feeling that my poor brain is shutting down. It seems as if there are so many things to do and so much stuff to remember.
Because neither of us practice a religion, there won't be a funeral for either of us. Since I've literally never even seen my father's grave (long story starting at age 4) I don't see any reason for a grave either. Somehow I think Neptune is a way to get cremated easily. Am I right and how do I contact someone for that?
You can direct your loved ones to do what you want with your ashes. We decided that someone should keep the ashes of the first one to die. When the last one dies, take the ashes, mix them together and then either scatter them in Puget Sound or go up into the Cascades and throw them to the wind.
I am in the process of writing our obituaries and memorial services. We're having a party to celebrate llife and a love-affair that will have probably lasted over 60 years. We've been married almost 59 years now and our life expectancies are hopefully another 5 years. years. God Willing.
Glad to bring this ttt for others. Thank you Joan for referring me to it. I feel better already just having some "concrete" things to do. I've already ordered the book "Who Cares?" from amazon. It sounds wonderful and will recommend it to friends in the meantime. I also like the idea of typing out a page every so often of Hal's present abilities. This site is a true life saver! Terry
I have already drawn up papers that give my body to the local Medical School, to b e used for training students, etc. When through with their meaningful use, my body will be creamated and ashes discarded or returned to my family. But my family does not have to honor my requests for my remains if they choose to do something different. They have the right to overule my last request on body request.
Carol, my DW will be buried on same lot as her parents and have a regular funeral but with a high degree of Celebration of Life.
All I want is a Celebration of Life for me and anytime after my death as is selected by my lfamily. I look at these celebrations as a way of having an Advocacy activity about the Horrors of AD and the tough life of the Caregivers. Certainly not a walk or soething but at least a exposure for AD. bull