The hospice nurse called us several times today, with up and down reports.
He called at 7 this evening, and asked us to come out to Andrea's NH to talk with him. Andrea was in pain, but they gave her morphine. She is down to about 14 breaths a minute and real rattley. Alex says it's not the end in the next few hours, but certainly within the next few days.
I don't know how I am going to lose her. I know it's right for her, I do. It doesn't help. I don't want her to go.
Trisinger, oh my how hard this is to read...I hope you will find the strength to let Andrea go and encourage her to do so...it will be better for her, certainly, and hopefully for you as well, in time. So so hard...Will be thinking of you & praying for you in these hours ahead. Debbie
Trisinger, I feel that I know you and Andrea through this site. I am deeply saddened that you are losing her. I know from your comments how very much she meant to you and how difficult this has been for you. My prayers have included the two of you for a very long time now. Thank you for your insights and your thoughtfulness throughout this journey. You are definitely in our hearts.
Trisinger, deeply saddened to hear your news - thinking of you and Dear Andrea and praying for a peaceful passing -is all we can hope for, any of us. my thoughts are with you and your family and daughter, divvi
trisinger - I can so feel for your space now that the end is within sight. You can say over and over that it is better for her and even know that is true - but it doesn't take away from the pain of losing your dear spouse. Life is but a precious moment - but love lives on forever. My heart goes out to you.
Trisinger, may God grant you peace and comfort at this time and in the immediate future. Andrea was so blessed to have you be her partner in this journey. God Speed Andrea. Trisinger, please remember to take care of yourself as you continue on in your journey. Phyllis
Trisinger, I have looked at your postings to guide me on future events in our journey. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Andrea as you reach the end of a long, hard journey.
trisinger - I will be praying for you and Andrea that you both will be given peace and comfort and you will know and feel God's presence with you during this difficult time.
Trisinger I am new here and finding such wonderful people who care and help where they can. I read of others losing their LO and I don't know how I would react. Prayers are coming your way.
I have thought of your dear Andrea many times through out the last couple of days and always with a prayer that she remains without pain and in peace. So many of us feel that we know you and want you to know we are holding you in thought and prayer.
Keeping y'all in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for keeping us updated on how things are going. May God give you comfort and peace in the days ahead. Debbie
Well, I'm learning a lot about the death process...
I'm sharing this because I think it might help for you the keep in the back of your mind. I hope it will take some frustration away.
The death process is a lot like a checklist (my term). Some things are at the beginning, some in the middle, some at the end. When they start moving down the 'checklist', the Hospice people or nurses use the rate at which they are moving to calculate how long the patient has. So they tell you...a few weeks, or days, or (dreadfully) a few hours. But a person can stop going down the checklist and kind of "hold". At that point, whatever prognosis they gave is not really all that set in cement. When they start going again, then a new assessment is made.
So a few days ago, when they told me Andrea had a few days, they were looking at certain signs. They were also waiting for some other signs, but so far that has not happened. So she is kind of holding right now...not getting worse, but she won't ever get better.
I kind of wish I had heard it put that way; it would have explained a lot, and kept me from being on edge waiting and waiting.
So now I am much more calm, and content, because she is just resting and out of pain, and although I won't see her again as I have known her these past months, this is our new stage. What will happen will happen, and I am OK with it. For now. We'll see when there's a new stage...
LMK if anyone wants to hear about how to hold a funeral. I'm thinking of writing "Funerals for Dummies". Actually, DD is taking care of all of it, and reporting back to me. I couldn't stand to do it myself.
Trisinger, you said it yourself-- "Although I won't see her again as I have known her these past months, this is our new stage. What will happen will happen, and I'm OK with it. For now." When she does move on, it will be your new stage and it will be OK, because, while the Alz will take her physically, she will be with you always, in your heart. Your love and devotion is still getting her through it and it will continue to get you through. Hard as it is to see it now--it didn't win.
My prayers are with you, as you go through this hard time and still think of others who will walk your walk one day. Peace be with you.
I've never been a weepy woman. But I find I'm getting misty often and sometimes my eyes fill with tears but they don't fall. After reading your note, Trisinger, my eyes are so full. What a beautiful tribute.
This evening when I gave DH his evening meds, he hugged me really tight and said "thank you for taking such good care of me. I don't know what I'd do without you." Then he said "Aren't you glad I didn't marry some mean-mouthed woman who would be mean to me?"
I hugged him back and said "Well, if you had been silly enough to have married a mean-mouthed woman, maybe you deserved what you got." He laughed so hard. He has a great laugh. Right from the bottom of his belly it comes and he just laughs right out loud. Don't you think everyone should laugh like that?
Trisinger - it seems as if Andrea is being kept comfortable and you can be with her for a time while you adjust to her impending death. The way Hank died still haunts me. I'm so wishing for you a quiet time where she really does just pass away. Love to you both.
I also believe the 'holding' pattern is for the loved ones to adjust to the inevitable- slowly and accepting- whats ahead. Trisinger, we are holding you in our thoughts-divvi
We were going out of town for the day when Hospice called and said Andrea would not make the day. We turned right around, and I stayed with her for a couple of hours. She was active Saturday morning, trying to climb the walls and trying to talk. I reread Frand's posts about Hank, and it's scary how alike it is. Thanks Frand...I spend a lot less time obsessing over how many days this will take, because you wrote about it.
The Hospice nurse was right...listening to someone breathe will drive you insane. Each 30 second breath is "the one". Until it's not. Then the next one is. But it's not.
So for now...she's peaceful and out of it. I've gone home. Nothing else to do but go back tomorrow.