I just returned home from going for a ride with daughter Robin granddaughters Tessa and Andy, went exploring the place I grew up , brought back alot of childhood memories, all good, How I remember roaming the streets of Laurium, playing baseball on the cornor lot, funny the lot is still opened no one built a house there, I felt good for a couple of hours, we are going to do alot of exploring around here, isn`t it funny how you never get to see the things around you when you are busy raising a family, these are the things Bob and I talked about doing in retirment, little did I know I would be doing it with our children and not him, that`s the sad part, we did have fun but it rained, where is my sunshine. ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) to you all. Gail
The anger is gone. In it's place is a deep sadness and grief. My dear husband was a dignified and successful man. He died wearing diapers, unaware of his surroundings and never able to enjoy meeting his very special granddaughter. A horrible way to end a Noble life.
Gil is back from Sedona. I had five days there with my divorced brother. It was a nice time and I met the line up. He had a party with two couples and 9 single women wishing for a prince charming. All are hikers in the mtns. of Sedona. I was nervous. Normally I'm the one making others nervous with my jokes and crazy being. I was nervous and scared and drank a little too much wine but pretended to be normal. All knew I lost Jan a month ago. All were nice. A couple seemed to like me but I think they were just being kind. I loved the country and the ambieance. Sedona Az. is the red rock country. There are 17,000 living there and have 3 to 4 million visitors from all over the world each year. There must be fifty art galleries.
Vortexes. I was to watch out for them. They were mentioned to the public about 20 years ago as super natrual. It is said they twisted juniper trees. Well, I saw thousands of twisted junipers all over in the mtns. but none near the vortexes. I felt no excitement or anticipated pleasure, just winded from climbing to the top to see what I could see and feel. I think the locals are right in saying it is a hoax. The area is known for new age and yoga and ethereal feelings and they are true. One cannot help feeling strong feelings whatever they may be. It is so beautiful there. I got excited. I cried. I wanted life to continue with pleasure. I wanted to find some direction but didn't. It was a good trip. Took some good pictures and can send one at a time. I need to learn with aol how to send more. My brothers place is beautiful with georgeous views. He is a trip. We are very alike but also very different. Email me and I'll try to send pics. After reading your messages I see all are hanging on to the past but really are wanting a future to bite them somehow. I am feeling too old, 77, to find that future. I am healthy. Can walk four miles or more. Climbed with Gary for 31/2 hours at a good pace but also need naps. How long will I be me. My dad was 96 when he passed. Two weeks before he passed he said, "I've had a wonderful life but it's just too damn long." That's Dorer thinking. I might even be able to put a picture in this web site after some more learning. Love gil dorergj@aol.com
Nora, I know exactly how you feel. My sweetheart was an outstanding and beloved teacher, who loved children yet was never able to relate to our 3 grandchildren. Not even able to hold them as babies. Although I am more used to being alone than at first, I still miss her so much that out of the blue I will start crying even though I will be having a good day. The ups and downs still happen. When up, I think things will be ok, then when down, I don't even want to be here anymore. But thank God the downs are very short-lived, and so I carry on, like Tom Hanks did in Sleepless in Seattle....breathe in, then breathe out, one foot in front of the other, then do it over again, until I don't have to think about it anymore. If it weren't for going to the gym, I think I'd go nuts. Must be the periodic increase in endorphins. One day, things may be better, so I keep going until I see how I feel on the anniversary of her passing.
Joe, postpone the sky diving until a month after the "anniversary". That is not going to be a good day. Hey, your family and your family on this site love you, Remember that.
Thanks Bama, I love y'all too, and feel so sorry for what you all are doing today, and face in the future....also for those who have already completed their journey, and are struggling with 'what am I supposed to do now', my dreams destroyed by this miserable disease. gil*, I would love to move to Sedona, but with my bride buried here, and both kids here, I doubt that will ever happen. Maybe a good reason for cremation and an urn. And don't put too much credence in those singles that seemed to like you...I'm sure they were being just kind. Women are like that.
Bluedaze, I think I know how you are feeling. It is so hard to look at what is left after the dementia devil is done with our loved ones. We need to remember them as they were before. Those are the good memories. I'm glad Gracie is still entertaining you. Take it just one moment at a time. It's tough going from full time care giver to widow. It's like hitting a wall at 90 mph. Now we have to go forward and re-invent ourselves. Who knew?
Welcome back Gil.
Joe, hang in there buddy, maybe think about volunteering somewhere?
I am conflicted. I want to be able to 'move on', but find myself not caring about it, because I feel guilty about going on without my spouse. I'm more ok when out and about, but when I get home to the empty house, and say "I'm home, Sweetie", and throw a kiss to her picture, I think about her and how much I don't WANT to move on without HER. I not only miss her, but don't want to ever forget her, she is so much a part of me. It's so hard to describe what I mean...I feel like I'm still in one place, spinning my wheels, but I don't want them to grab hold. I hate this place I've been forced into...guilt, missing her, don't want to be a single again...it's just a mess. Don't know what else to say...maybe I need a lobotomy or something.
We know what you mean Joe. Just remember she will always be a part of you. When a person loves someone so deeply, even if they find someone else, their first love will always be a part of them. Remember - we are the sum of our past. You may never remarry but I would not be surprised if you have female friends someday. From those who have been where you are, loosing their soulmate, if they do meet someone it is a different love. Both may come to the relationship with the memories and treasures of a past love. Our hearts can love more than one. We love more than one child, one grandchild, one friend, one sibling, etc so why not more than one woman/man in our lifetime?
When Art's uncle's wife died after a long illness, he had no plans to remarry. Had no desire but did love to be around the opposite sex. After a time, he had women in the retirement park he lives in bringing him dinner almost everyday. He enjoyed the attention and their flirting. He ended up marrying a woman that did not flirt with him. She is totally different from his first wife, which is good in that it makes this relationship different and he doesn't feel guilty enjoying life again. After my oldest brother's wife died following years of being sick, he thought he would never marry. he met a woman online of all places. they fell in love and married. She is the total opposite of his first wife.
there are those here that lost a spouse and are in their second marriage. I am sure after their first spouse died some did not think they would ever marry again. I would think you are feeling if in the future you should find a woman that you enjoy being around you are being disloyal to your Sweetie, almost like being unfaithful. Know you are not, and from all you have said, the last thing she would want is for you to stay lonely and/or feel guilty about enjoying life again.
Just give yourself time and remember: unwarranted guilt over being the survivor is very common. She died and you lived. It was not suppose to be that way. You were suppose to protect her and keep her from harm, but you couldn't. You feel guilty, maybe a failure as a man because you could not save her. You did all you could and if you are feeling guilty about it then you need to daily forgive yourself. If you don't feel guilt and accepted it long time ago, then you are fortunate because many do carry lots of guilt. Parents feel guilty when a child dies - they feel they should have been able to save them; a man feels guilty cause he couldn't protect his wife or family. Guilt is the old demon that will pour in like a wildfire and consume one if one lets it. With God's grace forgive yourself. Just keep venting here so it will not take you down with it.
Thanks Charlotte, I know what you say is true. I just wish I were a bad-ass SOB and not so darned sensitive and compassionate. I think it is the guilt that is the hardest to get over, but I do hope that time will do away with that, and eventually I can feel more like coming home and being happy about telling her what a good time I had, or about someone I met...who knows? It's such a hard adjustment to make. Adjusting to being married was so much the opposite of this. The happiest days of my life.
I think it is a complement to a good marriage knowing that you would be willing to marry again. It says that you were happy being married. Does that make sense? I like the way Charlotte explained it. She has a way with words and can express her feeling very well. I really like you, Charlotte. And Joe, you make me want to cry sometimes because you seem to be so lonesome but then I find myself crying because I am so lonesome even when he is still here at home. Hey, it is what it is and tomorrow is another day.
Thanks Bama, but as I have said, I don't think I'll ever marry again unless God ordains it, by providing someone for me. Now living in sin....well, I guess no on that too, I don't want to make Him mad at me. Please don't be sad for me being lonesome. I'm just one of a lot of people in that position, including you. I thought maybe she and I would go together like in a tornado, or car crash, or a home invasion. One thing I know, is that like you say, tomorrow is another day, and with God in control, let it happen. It just may be good. In any case, 'it is what it is'.
Joe, you are still in good shape from what I remember. Who knows, some where down the road you may find yourself being one of those relief workers that go in to help after hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, etc. Can't forget the earthquakes and volcanoes we have on the west coast. Give it time, one day at a time, step by step. If you feel like you are taking 3 steps forward, 2 back, that is OK too. There is a Christian book that came out in the 80s with that title: 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. Many times I feel it is 2 steps forward and 3 back.
Joe, you will be okay....God didn't bring you this far to drop you on your head. Give yourself time and opportunity and the world will look a little better.
The responsibility for the care and safety of a dear wife made me feel all grown up, but now I feel like a kid lost in the woods. Got a case of the blahs today, as well. Nice weather, but the sun isn't shining in my soul. Tomorrow is just a day away.
Joe, then why not go back to being a kid for awhile....do something fun and totally unlike you. Let go and let the sun shine in your heart and soul......you have a lot of living to do.
I've expressed how it feels to go from wife to widow in two ways.
1. (as Joe said) Like I'm lost in the woods, and can't find my map. 2. As though I was going 90 miles an hour and hit a brick wall. Wham, your done.................
So far, my observation is this: for the first month or two after the passing, the same roller coaster we all ride as caregivers gets stuck in the lowest point in the ride, then starts up again in the grieving/healing process, only to act the same, with ups and downs, but over time, it hesitates more on the tops of the ride, and speeds out of the low points. I'll be glad when the ride comes to a stop, and I can get off.
This is weird...I think I have become an accidental vegetarian. I do eat eggs and drink milk, but have not eaten any meat (beef, chicken, or fish) for a few weeks now. I feel fine, and am getting protein and fiber, etc. from nuts, special bars, etc. so I wonder when I'll drop dead from not eating meat? Like I said....weird.
I know what you mean! Please know that the crushing sadness passes or at least gets less crushing. It may sound crazy, but try to allow yourself to experience the crushing sadness. If you try to stop it, the pain only gets worse. If you let it come, let it flow through your heart, and keep breathing, just let the pain flow through and out with your breath. Let your voice express the pain - in words or sobs - in any way that you feel allows the pain to move from your heart through your breath and out. Then, as you breathe in, make it a conscious decision and thought to breathe in peace and healing, comfort and love, power and courage to keep breathing. Doing this has helped me during the crushing sadness. For me, it also helps to focus on giving the pain to God, allowing it to flow through my body, through my heart and my breath and my voice, from me to God ... and being willing for God to give me His comfort, His peace, His love, and all that He has to heal my broken heart. God came to heal the brokenhearted - us. <<<HUGS>>>
I must say, Sharan*, you sure have a way with words, and thoughts, too. I agree with what you say, but I know that I have been so scarred forever from this horrible experience that my attitude and outlook, and hence expectations, have been altered in a negative way. It's too late to 'reinvent' myself and expect to find any true happiness I had with my dear wife. The earth is going to have to move a lot to change the way I feel.
Sharan what you said is so true. Not sure I could put it into the beautiful words that you did.
Bluedaze, the rollarcoaster that Joe talks about does keep going, but the ups and downs get a little less shocking. You will find yourself crying over the strangest things and in a crazy variety of places. I don't think there are really any "Stages" Grief is so personal, individual and unique. Talking helps, writing helps. I've begun to write to Jim. It helps. Journaling wasn't helping, so my therapist suggested that when suddenly go to call him, stop and write to him. Tomorrow is his 63rd birthday. It will be his first in heaven. Here is what I've written:
I miss you Jim, who will I be my true, silly self with? Who will I drag along on all my whimsical adventures? Who willl be my voice of reason? Who will I tell my spontaeous revelations to! Who will help me analyze all my troubles? You always knew just the right thing to say to make me smile. Who else could love me like you did, just the way I am. You were all to me, my husband, my soul mate, my very best friend. Happy Birthday in Heaven. I love you.
Susan - I LOVE your note to Jim. A grief counselor suggested I make a Mike Box and put notes to Mike in it. I haven't done that yet, but your note has inspired me.
TexasJoe - I believe you can have a good and happy life. I don't think you have to reinvent yourself, this experience creates, forges, a new person, one who is stronger and more capable than the one we started out as. I agree that it seems inconceivable that I will ever have a relationship, a true and real partnership, like the one I had with Mike. At the same time, I do believe we can find joy and love. The joy and the love will not be the same, but that doesn't mean it wont be good.
Thank you both for your responses to my heartfelt post. <<<HUGS ALL AROUND>>>
Arms around Joe. You are surviving not thriving, and that's ok right now. We all heal in our own time. Just know that we love you. It was a tough one, but I survive yesterday. It would have been Jim's 63rd birthday. We had his favorite pie, candles and singing, it was nice, not the same of course, but nice to acknowledge the day.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'" Mary Anne Radmacher
Sorry, Susan, I was going to say something yesterday, but I didn't know what to say. Glad you got through it. All the 'firsts' are the hardest.
I was just thinking, as I sit alone here at my 5-month Pity Party...even if I survive the first year, and go on and eventually want to 'date', I won't be able to, because I can't afford it. Also, I could not afford to support a new wife unless she brought her own support money with her. Ironic, isn't it, how life sets the rules, and how many different ways you can get screwed.
I understand how you feel. This weekend, we are celebrating the 1 year birthday of one of our grandsons. I am so grateful that Mike was able to be here for the birth of our 3 grandsons (May 2009, June 2009, and November 2007), but I miss him so much! I have been trying to plan the party and keep getting stuck. You see, next Tuesday (May 25th) is the 30th anniversary of our 1st date - up until last year, we celebrated May 25th every year with a special dinner or some kind of acknowledgment/celebration between the 2 of us. Last year, Mike didn't remember and I didn't have the heart to tell him because he was able to know when he didn't know and it hurt him. Now, I have this party on Saturday, I am starting back to work on Monday, and our anniversary is Tuesday. Now, I am sitting here bawling and I am supposed to go to my nephew's concert in just a few minutes. It hurts, but it hurts not to cry too. I want to be "ok" but I am so NOT ok.
I am so sorry for you all. I know just how you feel. Some how, I have no idea how really, we will find our way through this part too.
I miss my Mike so bad that it hurts not only down to my toes, but from me to the core of the earth and out into the outer parts of the universe. My Mike has been gone so very long. I can't even remember when he was Mike. Will I remember?
This is whole new place for me. Ralph passed away almost three weeks ago. We had a Memorial Service on May 1st. I wanted to capture the Ralph before Alzheimer's. My daughter and granddaughter had a slide show of some of the many travels we had together. They were amazing, capturing the before Alzheimer's Ralph. My children (his stepchildren) all participated along with the grandchildren he loved so very much. He was a kind, non judgemental person who took my children as his own. Since then there has been a trip to Florida to my granddaughter college graduation. When I got home it was lawyers, thank you notes, etc. Finally yesterday, I realized how very tired I was and the tears finally came. It was a relief, as I miss him so much, even tho he has not known me for a long time. I have been alone for 2 1/2 years when I put him in care, but not like this. I have lost him twice and the pain is so there. I am remembering our life before AD and it is painful. I know I have to grieve and I will be better. Tomorrow I leave for Houston, on to Florida and then to New York where my granddaughter goes to graduate school at NYU. What frightens me, is what do I do when I get home? What next? Ralph had a deep faith in God, and this does help me. I know now he remembers the love we had for each other and his memory is back. I keep saying "one day at a time". This has been a long eight year journey - what now? Darlene
Joe, I have been reading your post and my heart goes out to you. I have no advice, but I know life goes on. How, I don't know. This is all too new for me for answers. Just know Joe, you are not alone. Writing about Ralph tonight has helped me, but the pain is there. Keep writing and reaching out. All of us feel the pain and grief is part of the healing process so I have been told. Darlene
Darlene, I'm so sorry, thank you for sharing, please accept my condolences. I wish you strength and peace.
It is good to hear from those who have all the way through this AD, even if there is still such sadness afterwards. Your posts will help me and many many others to deal with the rest of this as each step comes.
It sounds like you have a loving, supportive family and I'm sure they will help so much now, too. You are lucky to have them and it sounds like they are lucky to have you, too.
DarleneC* , I've been a widow now for coming up on 3 months and I'm still having a hard time motivating myself to get going each morning. So I think all these trips you have planned are a very positive sign of the way you are handling your grief. I've learned from family and friends that I tend to not give myself enough credit considering what I've been through. Like I said before, after years of caregiving, losing your spouse feels like you've been speeding along at 90 mph and then hit a brick wall. It take time to heal, to get well, to get strong. Be patient and kind to yourself.
Joe, I just discovered that a local community center has an over 50 group that does activities at an extremely low cost. On 6/10, I'm going on a two hour canoe trip. I don't believe I know anyone going, but that's ok, I need to meet some new people my age. I never had time up here in Maine, to make friends because of all I had to handle. So anyway, it made me think of you. Have you checked with your local community center to see what activities they might offer? Most of these programs are free or very reasonable, my trip will only cost $10.00 because of a grant they received. Check it out and let me know what you find.
There are lots of opportunities to do different things around here, Susan, but up to now I just don't feel like doing them. The canoe trip sounds like fun...I would like that, but I wouldn't it to end up being like the African Queen trip, with mosquitos, leeches, and the like. However, it would be worth it to meet Humphrey Bogart.
healing is hard I just want to be with Bob, life is not worth living anymore, even having daughter living with me with 2 small girls is not the answer for me, just give me some peace, I want a happy life this life sucks
Marygail, it is so hard being here in the after. Finding reasons to live is tough at times. Baby yourself, take time to care for you. It is not an easy task, we are so used to being the caregivers. After 11 1/2 weeks I am just beginning to see that there just may be a life for me to continue on to experience. Please, please take care of you. We need you to be here to chat with, to hug and to support. Arms around, S