Heading to North Conway, NH tonight for the weekend. I'm still close friends with my best friend from high school. She live 4 hrs north of me. She is driving down and we are having a quiet weekend of catching up. She was going to make the 6+ hr trip to Massachusetts for the funeral, but I asked her to wait and take time later to be with just me. So she did, she is, and I can't wait. She has never been to the White Mts of NH, so it will be nice to give her the grand tour.
I'm new to this. Hope I get accepted and we can all talk. Lost my wife of 54 yrs. Apr. 6. I'm gil from Chelsea, Mi. Just told my daughter that I'm missing Jan and realizing she is not coming back. Guess this is a step in the process. I'm going to Sedona to visit my brother and his friends. Feel I need to get away. Love gil
It worked. Message added so I'll say more. Jan was an excellent artist. We had a great life together. I feel so proud to have taken care of her at home and the kids, Cyndy and Bob, and I held her when she passed. I was fortunate for she did not wander. Her twinkle was always there if possible. It's going to get tougher, I know. Now the phone doesn't ring much and the emails are fewer. Celebration of a life is over and the following is quiet. I have always loved life and wonder if it will be loving in the future. Love gil
gil, glad you successfully signed on to this site. It's a comforting place to sigh, grieve and share time with new friends. There are many folks here on different steps of the journey. Next yr my hb and I will have been married 50 years; he has vascular dementia. I pray you find peace, comfort, and yes happiness. 54 years is a long time to have shared life; so I'm certain adjustments will be gradual. Enjoy Sedona--a beautiful place.
Gil, sorry you have joined the rest of us widows and widowers, it is heartache. No matter how hard I try to rationalize since I lost my husband March 20th after 44 years, I still have moments of denial, other times acceptance, then being places where we shared time together, be it at home, shopping, almost any place, the hollow feeling I get inside overcomes me. I know I will feel incomplete and lonely for some time as the pain slowly eases, and hopefully I will meet someone who has experienced this same pain and loss who I can again find some happiness with. Que sera, sera. My dear Gerry told me hundreds of times in the NH how much he loved me and missed me, but find someone to take care of you and the dog...his two loves in life. I told him constantly that HE is the one.. Hope you find comfort in visiting your brother in AZ. We must take it one day at a time andf take care of ourselves.
Hey Gil, arms around you sweetie, I only a month ahead of you. My dear sweet Jim passed away 8 weeks ago tonight. I am beginning to find little bits of Joy in each day. I believe he sends them to me. This widow business is the hardest thing I have ever had to get through. He wasn't perfect, but he was perfect for me. I do miss him so. I'm so glad you found us. Hang in there and keep posting. We all care. Arms around, Susan
What amazing weather! I took time to thank Jim for arranging such a gorgeous spring :o) It was in the 80's today. As I posted earlier I went shopping with my friend Susan (from High School, Yikes) and outfitted the boys for summer at the outlets in North Conway, bless you Children's Place! We were the bargain Queens! Stayed at a lovely little Inn, soaked in their outdoor hot tub, and talked till all hours. It was just what I needed. Very peaceful and I felt very close to Jim in one of his most favorite spots. Came home to find that Dylan had done some beautiful work on the garden! Hope all is well, Arms around, S
PS: Did really well (I think) on my diet :o) Drank Miller Genuine Draft 64! Only 64 calories and I got buzzed, lol. It felt wonderful to have all the time in the world to catch up with Susan. To an amazing picture of Mount Washington. It will be posted on Facebook..
welcome Gil, You and I are neighbors, at least we're pretty close. I'm from Westland near Livonia. I was just at the train station in Chelsea for a shower.
Sorry for the loss of your wife. i lost my husband a year ago this past Feb. I am getting on with living but it isn't the same as when he was here Things do get easier but the loneliness is the hardest. It is good to have someone to talk to that knows what you're feeling so just come here and say what ever you want
Thank you folks for responding. Let's see. Less than a month since she passed. Apr. 6 to May 2. I don't know all the rules. We have a web site of her art and I do have an e mail but I don't know if it's ok to tell it or wise. It would be fun to talk to some of you. I do get so lonesome. Now do I cook dinner for me or do I go out alone? Could ask others to go out but they remember the two of us and times have changed. I talk to Jan's kitty but she's just a cat. But a good one who cared for Jan. When Jan was in bed Evie was always there. Only left to eat and uneat. I walk and think and walk some more. Do call people and the kids keep in touch. Another AZ caregiver for his wife has a girlfriend. His sons say he doesn't need a girlfriend for they are there for him. Sometimes kids and friends arn't the same as a girlfriend. I'm going to Sedona where there are 40,000 old single women. My brother, divorced, knows most of them. I'll bet I won't like any or many. We'll see. I'll report when I get home. Now all of you have a purpose in life. That is waiting til May 13 to hear my story. Love gil
Hey Bluedaze. I had to look up[ vortex. It is very interesting. My brother talks of such but I didn't listen much for I was just there for short visits. I'm copying the info and going to go over it with him and others he knows and I know. Thanks for the insight. I have always cared for others and do wish health and happiness for all. We'll see where it goes. Love gil I now feel less alone and with more of a purpose. Love to learn other than intellectual things or baseball scores.
gil, I'm sorry you have lost your dear wife. I lost mine over four months ago, and for a while at first it was Hell. At this point, it has become more like Purgatory, and I am hopeful that although it can never again be Heaven as it was with her for almost 46 years, life will at least be tolerable, with maybe a few moments of laughter and peace each day until we are together again. So hang in there like the rest of us are trying to do until things get better, and yes, they will to some degree, at some point in time.
Dear Gil, sorry to hear about the loss of your Dear one.....You have found the right place to meet friends that are going through the same heartache. It is a good place to express your feelings and to find comfort.... It is a little over 3 months since My DH passed..some days are easier then others..main thing is to keep busy,get out of the house, find things to do. Have fun on your trip...Bless you...Rosalie
Gil - it is safe to post your email in your profile. As are as I know, no one has ever had a problem with others here getting our email address. Also, paste the link to your wife's artwork here or under the April check-in.
thanks for the responses. My e mail is dorergj@aol.com/ The web site of Jan's work and my monthly "gil says" is dorerstudio.com I hope some of this aids you if possible. we do have something in common. maybe we can work together to get well or whatever you wish to call it. i see AZ adds and cry. I do well and laugh and then see something that makes me cry. just wish something would come together. we did leave this world some wonderful paintings. I get e mails every week thanking us for our gift to them. lost has been woneful and lots now are not. I am not alone by a long shot and am so better off than many. let's work together. Love gil
Gil ,welcome to the best place to vent your feelings, we are all here for each other, my Bob passed six months ago and I`m still having a hard time adjusting, some days are good, this past week had been he.. for me, my DH passed from sever vascular dementia, enjoy your trip to Sedona, I was just there this past month, beautiful place. Gail
Would you know my name If I saw you in heaven Will it be the same If I saw you in heaven I must be strong, and carry on Cause I know I don't belong Here in heaven
Would you hold my hand If I saw you in heaven Would you help me stand If I saw you in heaven I'll find my way, through night and day Cause I know I just can't stay Here in heaven
Time can bring you down Time can bend your knee Time can break your heart Have you begging please Begging please
(instrumental)
Beyond the door There's peace I'm sure. And I know there'll be no more... Tears in heaven
Would you know my name If I saw you in heaven Will it be the same If I saw you in heaven I must be strong, and carry on Cause I know I don't belong Here in heaven
Thank you for sharing. Tell us about you and share your pain. I'm finding the more I talk the better I feel. It is also improtant to tell your fears and wants for the future and look forward. Maybe I'm wrong but I do feel this way. Love gil
Wow, Just checked and I changed my Log-in name from "Jim's Wife" to "Susan L" on MARCH 9, 2009. Jim passed away on MARCH 7, 2010. Weird.............Gil, my beloved husband of only 6 1/2 yrs, the love of my life, passed away a 14mos after his dx of Frototemporal Dementia. He developed the Motor Neuron Variant, which ultimately did him in. He was only 62, I'm 54 and lost without him. He was my map, my compass, my partner. On Mother's Day last Year, my son took me to get a tattoo. I have a broken purple heart over my heart. My thought at hearing his dx was that my heart was broken and would never heal. I chose purple because it was his favorite color of the flowers that he so loved to grow and it is the color that represents Dementia Illnesses. We here then realized that we as caregivers are all wounded in the battle and have thus, "Earned Our Purple Hearts."
PS: Gil you can put a star next to your name to signify being a widower.
I did it. I got a *. Hope that doesn't make me any older. At the grief meeting I noticed all still wear their wedding rings. Seems silly to take it off and too final. I do look to a future but don't know what. Love gil
Bluedaze, - we are here for a reason. We needed a place to be where others truly understand. What is the expression?...something like "We've got your back!" Here, you can count on it.
Oh Nora, I'm so sorry. Nothing prepares you for the end. Two months tomorrow, I can hardly believe he's been gone this long. You were a magnificant caregiver, you have proudly, gracefully and courageously earned your *star* and your Purple Heart. Arms around and around, Susan
I have my purple heart, Susan L has her purple heart, what a site it would be for us all to get them and parade them proudly, Nora take care we all love you, we are family. Gail
Two months today. I feel that I should be grateful that Jim did not suffer as long as some, but I feel angry instead. I don't know how to explain it. I feel cheated, I sat in his/our garden and listened to telephone messages from him that I have saved. I close my eyes and just listen. I come to hate Sundays and the 7th of the month. What a mess.
I believe I have stumbled onto a treatment for allergy symptoms. I was washing off the OFF mosquito repellant after working in the yard for a couple hours, and used the liquid soap that I used to bathe Mary Ann with before Hospice took over. The smell of the soap made me remember those bed baths, and I had a pretty good crying jag. Well, long story short, after drying the tears and blowing the nose, all allergy symptoms disappeared, and haven't returned in over two hours now.
My one-cell brain has been at it again. It dawned on me that what happened when my sweetie died, is that half of my heart died with her. Because of that, and because she set the bar so high, I don't have room in my heart for another soulmate. I have been spoiled, and so I don't think I will marry again, or even have a loving relationship. Also, anyone I might meet along life's highway that could measure up, would not be interested in me. The only way this could change would be if I met a 'sugar mama' that really dug me, and we all know that ain't gonna happen. It all doesn't matter anyway, if I decide to take up skydiving after Dec. 20th. Just wondering....do any of the widowers feel at all similar to this?
It's been more than 14 months since my wife died. I have been giving dating some thought lately. I am assuming that women are still soft to the touch, smell good and are generally pleasant to be around. That all seems attractive to me. On closer examination, I weigh all to good attributes against "I don't want to be a caregiver again" and "I don't want to be taken care of". I miss the partnership and intimacy. We were one, much more to both of us than separate halves of a couple. I'm an all=in kind of guy. I acknowledge that my wife is gone and won't be coming back. I don't see how I can have a serious relationship with a woman, given to commitment requirements that I would put on myself would directly conflict with reservations I would have. How would I make love to a woman without thinking about everything that has happened up to that moment in time? I know people do it. I just don't see how I can do it.
I have adopted the "it doesn't matter anyway" attitude. I do not think that I will entertain thoughts of skydiving. For Memorial Day, I am driving 900 miles to drink moonshine and generally carouse with some old Marines. There is some risk with this behavior, but I've found that if you are in hell, it is better to be there with Marines.
Joe and others, I will repeat what has been said many times - take it one day at a time and don't count out anything. You never know. My grandmother was widowed when she was about 45 and said she would never remarry. Then when she was 80 she met a man whom she wanted to share what life she had left with. He did not like kids so our visits with her were less often after they married, but she was happy and my mom said we needed to respect her choice. Five years later he just left one day leaving a note saying he was going blind and he did not want her having to take care of a blind man. It broke her heart, she would have like to have made the choice, but life went on for her.
What I am saying is that you never know. And you might find someone for companionship but you can always make the agreement that you would not stay together if either needed the other to be a caregiver. Again, that can always change too.
Life is ever changing, so just don't count out anything. Maybe not marriage, but friendship/companionship. Can be one person or a group of persons.
Joe, you use the word ain't so you are my kind of guy. Growing up I always heard the saying: don't use ain't. Ain't ain't a word because ain't ain't in the dictionary. Guess what? It is now so I can legally use it!!
Okay, Joe....When one door closes, another door opens but it's hell in the hallway. I think you are in the hallway so keep moving until you see an open door. AND NO SKYDIVING...That ground is hard.
dking*, makes me wish I had been a Marine. Does the Naval Reserve count?
Charlotte, I know what you're saying, but I have no expectations of anything happening ever, except what God wills for me. For that, I don't have to 'make things happen'...they just will.
Bama, you nailed it. This hallway IS Hell, and I don't expect to see any open doors, or I should say manholes in this sewer of a life. But I will at least keep my eyes open, even though it's hard to do, floating along with the rest of the crap.
Today was a roller coaster of internal emotion. I laughed and cried, felt positive and negative, hopeful and hopeless. Been trying to force myself to get at least one chore done each day. I'm getting it done but, it's hard. I did lose another 2 lbs last week for a two week total of 10!
Well my daughter from Az, and her family made it home , so happy to have them here will now have a active house with a four yr.old and a two yr. old ,fun times to be had, my house is full of their furniture and mine a little crowed but who cares, maybe I won`t be so lonely anymore. Gail
Well-all my family has left and I am alone. This month just about all of my activities stop for the summer. "After" isn't all it's cracked up to be. At least I have my darling Gracie. She can bring a smile to anyone's face.
bluedaze, I hope you will feel a little better each day. It will take time to get into the "me" frame of mind but just hang in there and you WILL make it. God Bless.