It's been almost 6 months since my wife died and I have not been on this site in awhile. I have not made any major changes. Seems that it is still the unexpected little things that trigger an emotional memory from me. I still stay on my side of the bed. I survived the Alzheimer's experience, barely and this forum helped me immeasurable in that survival. In 2015 I tell the story that Alzheimer's almost killed me twice. I February of that year I had a urinary tract infection that went sepus in hours. My wife thought I was just sleepy. I came to long enough to call 911. Temperature was 103. They saved me. October of that same year I had a TIA and went unconsciousness for 20 hours with blood pressure over 200. Again, my wife thought I was being lazy. She did not know I was in trouble. Her reasoning ability had slipped - a lot. Not her fault. But the doctors said you need to move out of the boondocks and off your little ranch there in Texas and get near one of your children. Thus the move here to New Mexico. Little did we know that almost two years later that the wife would come down with an untreatable cancer. That sped up the final stages of Alzheimer's up dramatically.
As I reminisce over 56 years of marriage I would do it all over again but, with out the ALZ.
Richard

It's been a year since I last posted on this site. My husband passed on Feb 3. - two months ago. I am a jumble of emotions, and feel like I have been on a tread mill for the past 10 years. I have a constant lump in my throat, but I was unable to cry for the first month after he passed, now I seem to cry daily. That first month is a blur.
I have been checking this site over the past year and reading your stories. This site has helped me so much with the plethora of information that has been shared over the years. When ever I did research on his symptoms, I always started here, because many of you had already dealt with the same issue.

I put off a funeral service for my husband, because the weather was so bad here in Feb, with constant storms. I am planning a memorial service in June instead.

I am still having issues with his family. They have been sticking knives in my back since this started, and I've had enough of it. I asked them for help planning this memorial. I thought they may want to be involved with their fathers memorial service. They don't even bother to answer my emails. I asked for pictures, no response, I asked for what they wanted, no response, So, to hell with them. I will do this on my own, as I have done everything on my own for the past 10 years, with no help from them what so ever. It just makes me so angry that they treated their father so badly, and hardly visited him over the years. I'm sure they will come to the service and be critical of it, but, I keep telling myself that is the last time I will ever have to deal with them.

This is a rant, I know, but, I needed to blow off some steam.

Thank you Mary75. For years, I felt that I must be a really terrible person, that they could dislike me so much, and actively plan against me. My husband and his ex had split long before I came along. Then I did some research on it and found out it is pretty normal. One of the ladies in the support group that I attend on occasion, said that her husband's family had even gotten physical with her, pushing her against the wall. I guess I just don't understand how people can be like that.

I was told that my husband's ex plans on attending the funeral. The only reason she would be coming would be to cause trouble, as she has tried to do though out our 27 years together.

Just thought I would share an update of living in the time after my partner's passing. The tsunami waves of grief have passed. I have sold my home (a good thing to do while I am still cognitively and physically able to do so). I made the decision last Thanksgiving. In January I began emptying an attic, a cellar, and a garage. And then began the process of downsizing. I got rid of a lot of stuff, but still kept way too much. Sigh. I moved to the DC area to be near my son and daughter-in-law, and my brand new baby granddaughter. They live a half mile away from me. Close enough to walk to, far enough away that we can all still have our privacy.

I miss my love. I miss the friends I left behind in Massachusetts. But I am working hard to establish a new community of friends down here. The older you get the harder that is to do. It would be impossible to do if I were still in caregiving mode. I'm hoping old friends will use my location near to DC as a reason to visit me. :) There is a lot to see and do down here.

I visit the website close to daily, and offer my heart and best wishes to those still in the trenches. I'm visiting the virtual Cottage on the Lake next and spending time with MaryinPA.

As if the daily memory jolts aren’t bad enough, there are so many anniversaries. I was a basket case in July - his birthday. But the actual day turned out to be a peaceful pretend birthday party with all his favorite things. Continued basket case in August - one year since he died. Keep reliving that and second guessing and blaming myself. I know, I know... don’t do that. Then, of course Labor Day will forever be associated with his funeral.

Spent September kind of recovering from all that sobbing. Surprised that I do feel somewhat different after the one year anniversary. Closer, I think, to finding “... a home within myself for my grief.” Jan Warner, “Grief Day by Day” (and thank you Jan K for that referral).

I really thought I’d be so relieved when he died, but that has not been the case. I agree with Jan Warner, “Why would I stop mourning a person who had been central to every part of my life? I didn’t need to let go to move forward. I needed help in finding a home within myself for my grief.”

But Monday would be our 37th anniversary. Last year I went to the beach where we got married (yes barefoot -no ties). Can’t decide what to do this weekend. Probably check out Camp Pendleton. There’s a beach there with cabins even. Maybe I can set that up for next year.

Great job ladies. My childhood friend who lost her husband just before Memorial day (it was sudden) has friends telling her it is time to move on. I tell what I have learned from all you here - we each have our own timetable to grieve, some are short some can be even a few years (some never get over it). Good to hear how you are both are going through the healing process.

I lost my wife 6 weeks ago, at 66 years old. I held her hand continuously in the final week, when I was told she could no longer swallow. I held her hand as she took her last breath. My wife had Early Onset and the final 6 months went at warp speed. The final week was terrible, but her final minutes were peaceful. It's as if she saw something in her final minutes, staring straight ahead, fixating on an image or possibly a light. She was an angel in life and my soulmate.
I am now going through several stages, I believe. I still work a full time job as well. My house is quiet, except for her little chihuahua who snuggled close to her on her final night. He doesn't understand where she is.
I now have more memories of how my wife was before the disease. This makes tears come to my eyes at this new stage. I see things around the house that remind me of her. She was so artsy and a decorator. Everything is still in place, the way she left it. I can't seem to get over this grief. Every word, every thought is about her. I talk to her all day. I ask her what she is doing in heaven. I protected her all of these years but lost control of that when she transitioned and wonder what she is experiencing. It is worst at night and when I am alone. Also when I drive long distances, tears come to my eyes. Her daughters are also experiencing grief. I am not a person who cries. But this has breached that strength in the past to handle things emotionally. I don't live near any family and have few local friends. My company was trying to relocate me to another state last summer but I resisted because of my wife's condition at the time. Since they were waiting me out, I knew I would not be able to stay, so I buried my wife next to her/our daughters, in another state. I didn't want to leave her here alone if my company moved me. So, now I cannot even visit her final resting place until I fly across the nation to see her. Her/our daughters are grateful for the move.
I can't seem to cope and putting up a facade at work as if I am interested in what the company wants. I can't even concentrate or hold back the emotions. I feel so alone without her. She was truly my best friend.

So sorry for your loss Afterwards*. Two years is swiftly approaching for me. I still cry while driving. Have to force myself to pay good attention whenever I am out. Thought I knew and liked being alone. Thought I’d already grieved the loss of us. This is different. I’m experiencing grief as physical pain. The years of Alzheimer’s makes it all more complicated. Much of what I read trying to help people through grief was just silly.
I live alone and am retired. The fact you are working may actually help fill the days. My world had gotten so small and our diet so limited that, at the beginning, just grocery shopping was a traumatic event. I still reach for things he loved and then realize he’s not there. I’m still experimenting to find out what things I like. There are so many new choices.
I’ve changed some things around the house and yard and find myself wondering just why I never tried it that way before. (It was because he’d have a tantrum if anything changed.) But the house and yard is filled with memories, both good and bad.
I’ve been working almost nonstop on the property getting things back in shape after the long Alzheimer’s neglect. Friends and relatives took some of his clothes last year. I was just about ready to go through the closets when this virus hit and no one can take them now. So sticking with yard work. We were about the same size so sometimes I wear his sweatshirts and jackets. Gonna make a T-shirt quilt eventually.
I stopped wearing my diamonds a long time ago, but now wear his wedding band. It was awful checking the single block on tax forms this year. I don’t consider myself single.
When I get the property in shape I think I’m going to sell. I don’t know where to move to. I think I’ll take the things that remind me of him with me. Wish I could just move the house the way it is. I don’t plan on getting over him. He was my best friend and soulmate. I have to find a way to go forward with just the memories. I’m not going to lie. The journey is way more difficult than I expected. When we retired I had back up plans for everything. None of those plans considered being single at age 66. This wasn’t supposed to happen for twenty years or more.
I’m allowing myself to feel whatever I feel. I sleep when I’m tired. I eat when I’m hungry. I eat whatever I want. Not tied to a schedule. Could be breakfast at nine pm or three am.
I keep withdrawing from people. That’s really easy with this pandemic. They say that’s not healthy, that we need social interaction. I do have some girlfriends who check on me now and then. And the mail lady keeps an eye on me.
Anyway, Afterwards*, Be kind to yourself, cherish the memories, I hope your company moves you to near where you buried your wife. Don’t be in a rush to get rid of things that remind you of her even if you move.