I read the posts about the cemetary and I haven`t gotten there yet, cemetary isn`t opened yet not until May 1st. not sure how I will react to going there, as for missing Bob, it is so bad, almost six months now, seems like yesterday, I listened to all the missing you songs I could find this morning, cried like a baby, I know I shouldn`t listen to that music but it seems to sooth my sole a little, it says what is in my heart, what my voice can`t express, all I want is for him to come home and hold me, I can`t even dream about him, I`m still waiting for that to happen, I did go into his room the other day and could smell him though. ((((((((hugs to you all))))))))))))). Gail
NO, HLK, I want to win. Ladies should always be first. Joe won't mind, he's a gentleman.
marygail*, I waited a long time for that first dream and then he was sick in the dream. I had a few dreams about him being sick. It wasn't until I had a dream where he wasn't sick that I really felt better. It has now been 14 months and I still miss him, It just doesn't seem right without him being with me. Last night I had another dream of him but in that dream he was sick but not frail, if you know what I mean, In the dream he was becoming very agitated and I was thinking about calling the doctor for meds. I knew in the dream he was dying and thought this was agitation just before death. I woke up crying with that one. It's the first one I've had like that and I don't want another one. I just want to dream about how it was before all this started.
Oh what a group we are, and I am so thankful that we all have each other. A very dreary day here in Maine, rainy weekend predicted, with the possibility of snow! I ran into to people who I had not seen since Jim's passing, both were kind and gracious. It is so tough to see people, tougher still, when they haven't heard the news. I'm so exhausted from the emotion. Knitting like crazy, keeps my mind and hands busy. They boys are beginning to show lots of anger. Poor little guys are having a hard time expressing how they feel with words, so it is coming out in temper tantrums. Too much................... I thank God daily for having this site and all of you, who truly understand, and still love me even when you don't. Arm around, Susan
Susan, you are loved by lots and lots of people....you have been through a lot....more than most and you are still "keepin' on"! We will be here for you....
It's snowing here! So the boys are stuck inside, so far so good. My Dad used to call this spring snow, "Poor Man's Fertilizer" So I guess it's a good thing :o( Lousy nights sleep again last night. I feel tired when I go to bed, then I snuggle in and BING! my eyes are wide open. Too much going through my mind. Ah well, one moment at a time.
HLK*, I'm glad you could do the name update. Wish you didn't have to, as all of us wish we didn't. Susan, I saw the weather report and thought of you. At least I guess you're used to that kind of late snow. It's not a surprise to you the way it would be to us, ah say us, in the South.
Seems I can't stop waking up around 4 in the morning, and just cat-napping until I give it up and get up at 7. Well, guess I should go do my income tax return...don't know why I have to....don't owe anything and not getting anything back. There should be no taxes on anything except what you buy (except medical expense and food). That way, it is fair, because you pay as you live...what you consume or use..remember, not food or medical. IMHO.
I'm not one of the widows, but I'd like to point out that no, not everyone goes to the cemetery. I, literally, have never seen my father's grave. He died when I was 4, so I did not go to the funeral as far as I know. My mother never went to his grave except for the funeral and the stone. I had never met anyone who did go to cemeteries so I didn't think it was unusual. As an adult I lived everywhere except in the City where he was buried, and I had no idea which cemetery.
I have since lived in places where EVERYONE goes to the grave to visit, and have discovered that I was wrong about not knowing anyone who did so even when I was a teenager. So I understand both going and not going. I think either is normal, and either could be useful to the grief process.
Hello everyone:..Looks like I am an odd ball, as far as the cemetary goes...In Clearwater, where we lived for 50 years, before moving to jacksonviille 3 years ago.....the cemetary was within walking distance away. there are not too many "Stones" the markers are in the ground, so it looks more like a Park, we would often ride our Bikes there, and the children did also ..it was very Peacefull....When we lost our Grand-daughter in 2005, she was buried facing a Pond....she was a salior, so I would find peace going to visit her, picturing her sailing on the Pond...Dario is buried close by. Now that I am 250 miless away, I miss not being able to go as often as I would like, it is something that I miss....We are not all the same, thats what makes the world go around..My daughter, who lost Olivia, finds it very hard to go to the cemetary...I respect her feelings... When we lost our Son in 1995, his wishes were to be cremated and his ashes to be put into the Gulf of Mexicio, the body of water where he spent so much of his Happier days....we would go on a special day, walk to the top of the bridge, and throw flowers into the water.....I miss doing that also. Our loved ones are close in our Hearts forever, thats where the memories are, and the Love is forever....Hugs to all,Rosalie
On the way home from the gym today, I got to thinking about my sweet bride, and it comforted me to think that she is in Heaven preparing a place for me. Made me feel better that one day I will be with her again, that life right now is just a temporary thing until I get called home. Sweet.
RB, I don't think you are an oddball. The cemetaries in Totowa Boro in NJ were lovely. We took walks there all the time. All of our neighbors did also. And one of my neighbors belonged to a family that decorated the graves with each season.
If anything my mother going nuts because when I was 35 I asked where my father was buried is being an oddball. That was when I found out that I could just have asked my BIL to take me when he visited all of his aunts and uncles. It would have been in the same section because they were all buried by the same burial society, and I would have found my grandparents and Uncle David as well. He would have known exactly where to look. Since I lived several states away, I lost my window of opportunity.
Today I went shopping to use a Christmas gift card from my daughter. It started out kind of happy, but then I started thinking again (one of my faults, I guess) about how my Gerry would so patiently wait for me to try things on and then say to go ahead and get what you want! It reminded me of one time shopping for clothes and I left him in a sitting area and when I went to retrieve him, could not remember the area I left him! (petite section). Such a patient and loving man. That kind of set off my empty and lost feelings for the rest of the day, it was time to go home. Today it is 4 weeks...an eternity.
HLK, I asked my Mother when she stopped thinking in terms of "weeks gone by", she said she doesn't think she ever did. I always know how many weeks, maybe it being a Sunday that Jim went home to God, makes it easier for me to remember, but remember, I do. It will be 6 weeks tomorrow at 11:15 pm. I often try to stay awake till then and go outside to look up at the stars. The stars are very bright up here in rural Maine, no street lights or big buildings. I look for the brightest star and throw a kiss to him. I hate Saturday nights. I can't help but remember all the date nights we had, we would go dancing, he would look so handsome and smell so good. I was so proud to be on his arm. Ah well, watching a chick flick, alone, with my cats, time for a refill on my wine. Arms around you all, Susan
Susan, you are a girl after my own heart! I know the weeks will soon go into months, which is happening this Tuesday, April 20th. Another phase. Fridays and Saturday nights were ours too throughout the years. We had so many friends to be with, and now they have either passed on or moved away, just when you need them most! My (our) longhaired doxie Hunter is my constant companion and bedmate. A glass or two of cabernet, along with the lonliness. Susan, you are in Maine, and that was one of our most loved places. We were there so very many times, but especially liked Stonington..he loved lighthouses! I keep saying to him, where are you, let me know!
HLK, we had a beagle whose name was Hunter. Oh how I loved that little guy. Today I finally got through the grocery store for the first time, without crying. I was quite proud of myself. I still find myself reaching for things he liked.
Joe have you heard the song, "Our Temporary Home"? by Carrie Underwood
Little boy, six years old A little too used to being alone Another new mom and dad, another school Another house that'll never be home
When people ask him how he likes this place He looks up and says with a smile upon his face
This is my temporary home It's not where I belong Windows and rooms that I'm passing through This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going I'm not afraid because I know This is my temporary home
Mmmmm
A young mom on her own She needs a little help, got no where to go She's looking for a job, looking for a way out 'Cause a half-way house will never be a home
At night she whispers to her baby girl Someday we'll find our place here in this world
This is our temporary home It's not where we belong Windows and rooms that we're passing through This is just a stop on the way to where we're going I'm not afraid because I know This is our temporary home
Old man, hospital bed The room is filled with people he loves And he whispers, "don't cry for me, I'll see you all someday"
He looks up and says, "I can see God's face"
This is my temporary home It's not where I belong Windows and rooms that I'm passing through This was just a stop on the way to where I'm going I'm not afraid because I know This was my temporary home
Haven't heard that song, Susan, but I like the lyrics...thanks! And I thought I had an original thought. Watched a movie this afternoon..."To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday"...about a guy whose wife died in a sailing accident at age 35, and two years later he still couldn't move on. He would go down to the beach every night and have a fantasy where he would meet her, and have conversations with her, and could hug her. It caused me some crocodile tears a couple of times, but it had a bittersweet ending that was actually fairly happy. (Got to stop watching these things!).
Oh I loved that movie. I'm a sucker for those tear jerkers. I watched The Lake House and While You Were Sleeping the other night. I don't recommend The Time Travelers Wife, it was a bit confusing and not all that it was cracked up to be. Next I want to see Amelia. Stayed up to watch the American Country Music Awards last night, then crawled into bed at 11:00 and watched the clock till 11:15 then had a good cry. When will Sunday's at 11:15 stop making me hurt so dam much. I relived every moment of our last day together. It was such an amazing gift from God, for which I am eternally grateful, but those last 6 hrs were oh so painful. Jim's niece told me that I was his gift in life. I feel like he was mine. He was not perfect, but he was perfect for me. Arms around, Susan
Ok, I'm sharing a secret with you all, but don't tell anyone, :o) I have joined Jenny Craig! My meals should arrive on Thursday. I hope to be in tip top shape for next years cruise. Jim and I each gained nearly 100 lbs during his illness. I know we are not supposed to make any major decisions during the first year of widowhood, but I had to strike while the iron was hot. I have a bit of money left from Jim's life insurance, after paying bills, so I am doing something for ME! The program seems good, the support is terrific and I don't have to cook, weigh, measure, count points or any of the other usual dieting chores. I am not in any shape, no pun intended, to go through all of that. This is something new, I'm excited about looking and feeling better and I think Jim would be proud of me, I'm proud of me. It feels a bit unreal to have something to look forward to. I'll keep you posted on how I do. Arms around, Susan
so happy for you, I want to do something like that but money is an object, my daughter is moving home so hopefully she can get me motivated and I have a granddaughter who is going to be a weight loss trainer, told her she has to be my Jillian Michicles, biggest loser trainer, YOU GO GIRL, BE THE BEST YOU CAN. wow to have someone cook for you, at least you will eat healthy, I don`t cook anymore, live off frozen dinners and stuff not good for you. Good luck to you, I will keep you in my thoughts. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) Gail
Great going, Susan! I am so happy that you are doing something for yourself, so deserved after what you have been through. You know that Jim would be so delighted to have you taking care of yourself. I do not have any weight problem but lonliness is my problem. I keep telling myself that Gerry would be proud of me, as he always was, but I still find it difficult to absorb everything that has happened, still in disbelief. I was at the cemetery today and they were mowing the lawn and I told the man that I wanted to get those dandelions off my husband's grave, he hated them..but then I added, but he is not here, he is in my heart and spirit..he agreed.
Helen, how right you are. Everytime I start to feel bad about being so far away from the cemetary, I remind myself that he is NOT there. There is more of him in his beautiful garden than anywhere else. I have a new Pedometer/Calorie Burner Tracker, so I will be clipping that to my belt loop and try and beat each days number the following day! Trying so hard to be positive, but it is so draining. I'll keep you all posted on how I do. Tonight I had Chicken Alfredo with broccoli, a Chocolate Snack bar and I still have an Anytime Bar for later :o)
Thought I'd get your input on this question. Do you all have opinions re: the wearing of wedding rings on the left hand after our spouses are gone? In our church group of "Over 55's", both men and women, it was pretty much evenly split. Some wear only the engagement ring, but not the band, one wore her husbands band and her band on a chain around her neck. Most of the Men had taken the wedding bands off, fewer of the women had. Most made their decisions after about 9-10 months - none right away. (I believe some of the men did take them off earlier..yes, one said he did right after the funeral!) It's nothing earth shaking, but I was just curious. I googled the subject and got an iffy reply...do it, don't do it, make another ring out of the stones. Just food for thought.
I look at it this way...we were not divorced, therefore I am still married to her, so will never take off my ring. She set the wife bar so high, no one will ever fill her shoes, so why take the ring off?
I took mine off a couple days ago. I thought I would have to have them cut off but with lots of soap I managed myself. They made a imprint on my finger that may never go away because they had been on there 53 years. Several years ago I had a cyst on my finger caused by the rings and was worried that might come back again. I am going to have my stone reset in a white gold ring but haven't decided on the style.
I wear my 25th anniversary ring along with Bob`s wedding ring, I had them on since he was in the nursing home and his fell off, I`m with Joe, I will not take them off, well unless it becomes necessary, we were not divorced so I still feel married
It's been 14 months and I still wear my wedding ring. I did take off my engagement ring several months ago. I'm not interested in dating and/or remarriage.
Claude lost about 40 pounds in a short period of time a few months before he passed away and his band came off and we never did find it. I didn't realize it was so loose. He was never one to hide things so don't think he took it off and put it somewhere. In case he did, I've looked everywhere for it.
Today it is 6 months since Bob passed, my week has been just awful, crying every night,couldn`t sleep, now I wake up this morning and I have this calm about me not sure what is going on, so if I`m on here again tonight you all know I exploded and am headed for a train wreck. Gail
My Mom still wears her's after 7 1/2 yrs without my Dad, she never plans to take them off. It is way too soon for me to decide. I'm just going with one moment at a time. Ive worn Jim's ring on my chain with my cross ever since his weight gain. I don't plan on taking that off.
Marygail, enjoy the calm. We are tossing you a safety net, just in case.
I'm not where you are yet, but I have a friend who wore his wedding ring after his wife died (of cancer) until he felt he was ready to start the dating scene again. Then the ring came off. He has now remarried.
After my husband died, for some reason I couldn't wear my wedding ring so had the stones put into a different setting and now wear my new ring. I couldn't bear to see the ring that I had adored for so long to remind me what I had lost. I gave the mounting of the much adored wedding ring to my daughter and we are having stones put in it for her to keep . I still feel married and dislike putting single when needed on forms etc. I suppose I will always feel that way until I die.
just woke up from a dream, had to share this with someone, as you all know I wasn`t with Bob when he passed and I have been guilty about that, he came to me in my dream(FIRST TIME EVER) he was looking like himself before AD so handson, not like the ninty year old man in a seventy year old body he became, he told me he loved me and held me tight as I was reading something that had to do with dying, can`t remember what it was. as I reached the end of it he cried so hard and said don`t let me go or I don`t want to go, not sure but I got to hold him when he took his last breath, I woke crying so hard and am still crying , I thanked god for letting him come to me and letting me hold him during his last breath, I truly believe this was an act of god. Gail
those dreams are a gift from God. As sad as they may be, they give us one more chance to be with them. I've had a few dreams of dh, in some of them he is still sick but in a couple he has been whole. Those are the ones I like.
When my mother, father and son died, I waited for that one dream where they were well . It was then that I knew they were alright.
On two occasions, I have "felt" Foster with me. One night I got up to go to the bathroom and I swear I could feel his presence beside me in bed and - you know - that warmth and essence that eminates from the body of another person...it was there. Another time, I was alone in the family room deeply engrossed in a movie..and again, I had that same feeling..his presence! I knew not to look toward his chair, because it would break the spell...but he was SO! there.
A few nights after he died, I woke up to the sound of him calling me.. his voice was as strong and clear as it ever had been. It was just "Nancy?...Nancy?" twice.
Who else -other than all of you - would believe me when I shared these moments. I swear I heard and felt him near me.
I waited six months before he came to me in a dream and god gave me what I wanted, to be with him at the end, I feel so much better, like I didn`t let him down and he didn`t have to die alone, thank you God for this one thing I needed the most, I hope I see him again or feel his presence once in awhile, just to let me know all is well, Susan I believe it will come to you, you will see your love again have faith. (((((((((((hugs as usual)))))))))). Gail
Susan, I am so glad you still have a sense of humor. I find that some days it's what gets me through this journey. I read something the other day that was interesting to me. Know when to move on. You can't walk backward into the future. A lot of you now are moving into the future while the rest of us are just marking time until our day comes. I hope I can handle that as well as you all do. ♥♥♥
Today, as I am trying hard to make a Memory Book, I printed out the pictures taken just five weeks before my Gerry passed on, his 82nd birthday, February 13th. Our son had come to see him, just returned from his employment in Europe, and they had not seen each other in four months. What a long bear hug they gave one another, and it brought the male nurse in charge to tears to watch it. As I printed out the photos today, I cried...He was a shell of himself, so difficult to see again. I can now tell myself that I should not grieve as I have been since his passing on March 20th. He is SO much better off and would never, ever want to "exist" as he was then. He was a handsome man, in earlier years taken for SInatra, Old Blue Eyes. Gerry's eyes were so dim and expressionless in these last photos! Thanks for listening to me!
I have been attending a Grief Group run by the Hospice Folks on Tuesday nights. Someone there suggested taking all the sympathy cards we receive and glueing them to co-ordinating construction paper and putting them in a three ring binder. She said, then she can slowly take her time and read and re-read the beautiful sentiments sent to her by caring people. Sounds like a nice activity. I think I will do that.