I, like most of us after losing our spouse, wondered what I would do with my life next. After a year and a half, I realized I was doing what I wanted to do next. I am fortunate to have family, including kids and grandkids, and friends nearby.
But, I also know some at a loss with what to do with their time. Volunteering has provided some of them with a sense if purpose and involvement with new people.
I encourage anyone with time to take that brave step to volunteer.
Wolf and Lorrie, Thank you for stating things so well and sort of putting the whole grief thing into perspective. Lorrie you and I are about at the same place in the grief journey. I too have good and bad days. I am now dealing with my mother who has cancer and not long to live. She is 94. I am not power of attorney as I informed my sister that I could not do that again so soon. I know it will not be easy losing her, but somehow because I am not caring for her or placing her or dealing with Medicaid or the other endless decisions i had to make, it seems easier. As I reflect on the upcoming holidays, I am not looking forward to it but at the same time I am not dreading it like I did last year. I find myself just sort hanging loose and not feeling like I have to contribute anything. I can just be and that is okay. It really is very freeing. We r going to try taking my mother out to eat for Thanksgiving. Hopefully she will be able to. As I look back over the last 18 months I realize I have made progress. I have purchased a new car, I just got my condo painted. I have made a couple new friends and I have tried a couple new things that seem to agree with me. My desire and enthusiasm for each day is returning although it is happening slowly. Sometimes it is there and sometimes it is not. I think the important thing is to all those grieving it that we went through it and survived. That in itself is a miracle as I see it. Life will always have its share of challenges but we can get through them because we have all survived the biggest challenge of Alzheimer's.
Wolf, Lorrie,and CO2--I guess we are all normal, because I almost could have written the same progression of feelings. I am at "Journeys Somewhere Else"--number nine on Wolf's list...and for me, my main issues are to make new connections and find my personal creativity and my "voice" as I move forward. What meaningful things do I want to do with my life, where do I want to be doing them, and who do I want to be doing them with? I worry somewhat that I'm not really accomplishing much or being productive in the old sense of going to work every day and knocking off a lot of tasks. I still seem to require a good deal of vegetative, "staring into space" time...just "being." I try a little music, a little drawing, a lot of writing (I think that's going to be my "thing")--I consider whether I want to get back into needlework in the evenings, rather than just crashing on the sofa with the dog and watching Netflix. (Remember when everybody used to knit, crochet, quilt, sew clothing, etc., just as a matter of course? Anybody notice that people don't seem to do that anymore in the new millennium?) Anyway, I still find at two years and two months out--26 months--that I seem to need to spend time just "being." I'm glad others have said that, too, because I was worried that it was just me. Yet I'm spending much more time socializing with the neighbor women here in the Heartland...my neighbor Mary Alice made a campfire out in their backyard last night, and we sat for a couple hours drinking half a beer each and just talking. Bandit and I came home reeking of woodsmoke.(My neighbors go home to their husbands, and I go home with my dog.) But anyway, I think I'm gradually healing, and it's little milestones like that that are the proof of the pudding--even though I still seem to want and need to be alone a lot. (Lately I'm doing a lot of daydreaming and mental planning about how I want the NY apartment to look--it will be decorated on a shoestring, that's for sure.)
I've been thinking a lot about what I can still contribute--if anything--to the folks who are still in the throes of caregiving. Thinking back, I think you just have to cling by your fingernails to whatever mental and physical health and sense of self you possibly can. Take advantage of the minutes you have for yourself--because you won't have hours. When I was a nurse all those years, I always thought that being the spouse of a patient with Alzheimers was the worst nightmare on God's green earth--it was the one thing I dreaded and knew I couldn't handle when I married an older man--and I still feel the same way. But here I am--I did it. So I think you need to acknowledge that you are caught up in a long, slow catastrophe, do all the planning and caregiving things that are outlined so well in the old postings and blogs...and it will just about kill you...and hold on...just hold on...one day at a time..hold on to yourself. To who you are, to what you are, to a shred of sanity, to some semblance of physical health. If I can slightly change that old, black humor George Carlin line: Life's a bitch. Then they die.
And then you get your life back, and there you are, tired, grief-stricken, "OK, I've arrived...but where am I ?" And you start walking a whole new path, still you, but changed forever. I guess we forum friends are still doing it together and shoring each other up, as we have for years on this site. Throwing each other the knotted rope and hanging on. So I'm not sure this is helping anybody, but it's where I'm at, and I'm here if needed, at the other end of the laptop.
So happy you are back Elizabeth. You were the one who gave me hope during my darkest days and I am forever grateful. I also do not know what I can possibly contribute here to those who are still in the throes of it. I know when I was in it, it helped me to connect with people who were about at the same place as me. Your suggestion to just hold on is excellent advice and above all try as best you can to hold on to a piece of yourself although at times it may seem impossible. I highly suggest knitting or crocheting. It has been a form of therapy for me through all this and continues to be.
Elizabeth*, You put it well. That's exactly how I feel - caught up in a long, slow catastrophe that is just about killing me and trying to hold on to a shred of sanity and some semblance of physical health.
It really does help to know others walking my path feel the same.
Elizabeth.. " Vegetative. Staring into space, just being " definitely describes me this weekend. Yet, it doesn't define me. I also get days of motivation, energy, socialization and even joy. Tomorrow, I'm going away overnight with my stepdaughter to a resort in Atlantic City. My good friend is meeting us too. That will be fun.
Seems like we are all in about the same place. So enjoy the good days, accept the feelings on other days and know this is all part of our healing. Have hope that the journey ahead will be good.
Cancer isn't that great either but I know four couples that went through that who were all close and about whom I know some detail. One had cancer of the esophagus and their battle lasted a year which they went through together and on the last day when he was told he likely had hours to live, he talked to his family and hugged them all and told them to go and leave him now and within hours he did die.
One had a rare form of cancer and in the last year I didn't know what was happening because they had run away from AD. But I did see the other couple which made up the six of us for 35 years of steady friendship, and they told me when she knew it was over, they all had a drink together in the hospital which they snuck in and she was very brave about it.
The other two men were the picture of health. Neither smoked or drank and both jogged and worked out regularly. Both died young of cancer. One of them was the CEO of Adidas, Ross McMullin where Dianne was the confidant when Ross and her friend Cheryl were dating secretly (all three worked at Braun at the time).
The thing that stands out is that they were all together and talked and shared and fought together right to the last day. They got to say goodbye to each other and tell each other how much they loved each other. They got to hold each other up and even crumple into a heap together and hold on to each other. They even got to talk to each other about their finances and what might be best to do for the survivor.
That didn't help any of them that I could see where their roads afterwards seem just as hard as my road. It's me that feels cheated badly because I would have wanted us to be able to still be us right to the end. I have to be careful what I wish for because that would have been something I would have wanted but it would have made Dianne's reality terrifying. Those last three years she seemed almost peaceful in her tiny little world.
In the meantime, I became aware last week that I was feeling really good and I started to cry. And my mind made the connection that it was exactly when I felt really good that triggered my crying the last time. I have issues with feeling really happy which is just one more aspect of this gift that just keeps on giving.
I have had the same feelings of being cheated out of saying good-bye and "giving it the good fight." There never was a shred of hope after the diagnosis, I never got to say good-bye, and the end was as agonizing for him as for a cancer patient. He was terrified and I could see it as clearly as day, but there was nothing I could do to help. Dying was a blessing for my sweet husband, but it didn't exactly bring "closure" for me, only numbness.
It is good that you wrote this, Wolf, because it is a subject that is swept under the rug. It is our reality and makes the memories very painful (for me).
Wolf, I cry, too, when I'm very happy. I read somewhere recently that it is because the emotion is very deep. It's the same when I see something deeply beautiful, and I am moved to tears
I can't hear you. I have the Rolling Stones playing so loud the windows are rattling. My 100 lb desk is vibrating. And I am dancing.
The one thing the devils cannot abide is mockery and I got your helping right here just pull my finger and release it.
Because you can rend my flesh and torment my life and take everything from me but on a ridiculous planet like this I will never give you my soul.
I hid in the closet and I licked my wounds and I waited and the devils did not come to find me and that was a mistake because I didn't come out until it was too late.
I was sick and tired of her uncaring ways and I was seriously thinking of divorce but she wasn't a shit - she was sick and so I rallied around because I understood what that meant and so you don't get me there either.
And the entire time I sit here looking out my window just quietly, I keep getting stronger where I already feel again as though I can see through a brick wall and the only thing I demand is that this time it is all about the work. My tourist in my life period is over.
Mary, on re-reading I hope I didn't skip over what you said. It does seem to be that happiness is a very deep emotion and can move us to tears.
What I wrote is what happened afterwards which is that I had the thought that music can sooth the savage beast and the next thing I was playing music louder and louder and actually was dancing around. With that came a rush of good feelings where something inside seemed to want to prove that, no, I can have good feelings for what they are and the music helped me feel that.
I wonder if in some ways we aren't somewhere similar where the mind has kind of been made up about something lets say related to our spouse for example and then we start noticing junctures where we nudge things in a direction because there seems to be one now.
One of the most personal experiences in life I think is when we believe we have chosen something and then the book that gets written of the interpersonal relationships (all of them inside) that are the story along the way. If we are actually going that way.
Trying to keep coming out of this is a life experience that is like no other I've ever had.
Hello all... As I sit here typing on this itsy bitsy invention called smart (?) phone...wondering if I'm an oldbie or a newbie...I remain numb. My husband, Scott, died on November 10, 2016. He was 69. What to do...what to do... ANN age 59
Hello, Ann. You will find lots of support here. So sorry to hear about Scott...69 is so young...and it is a bad time of year, just before the holidays. (Not that it's ever a good time.) I think the answer to "what to do?" is probably just don't do anything. You need that numbness for a while. Nothing wrong with numbness, and you don't want to be making any big changes or decisions right now anyway, if you can possibly avoid it. Just keep taking things one day at a time. We have all been there, unfortunately, and if anybody "gets it" it is this group. Do stay in touch, and if you feel like it, go back and read people's old posts on this thread--a lot of wisdom there, I think...a lot of helpful thoughts about how to get through it.
Hi Ann, I'm very sorry to hear about your husband. I read some of your older posts and see that you celebrated your 30th anniversary in January. And it looks like you were both quite young (50 and 60) when he was diagnosed. I hope the other widows and widowers (I am not on yet) will have some helpful words for you.
Ann, I am so very sorry for your loss. You will be numb for a while but just keep getting up each morning. Your main reason for living has passed away and your task will be to discover a new life for yourself. It is not easy and happens slowly. You r younger than I am and still have much more living left. We are here for you. My numbness lasted for about 6 months but still have days when the loneliness is overwhelming. God bless.
I'm sorry about your sad news Ann. I hope you can figure out what to do as you asked. For me I didn't think in those terms until well into my second year.
My DH of 50 years passed away on Nov. 15th, 2016 at age 72... He passed peacefully while holding DD's hand. We held a dignified graveside service on Nov. 17th. He stopped walking in August but continued to eat heartily until a few days before he died. He was a good husband and a wonderful dad. I have always checked in here with my friends who understood the cruel agony of this disease. Thanks to all of you for sharing and understanding. Since the last 5 1/2 years were spent in LTC, I continue to sit here and wait for the NH to call. Old habits are hard to break.
AliM, I 'm sorry for your loss and offer sincere condolences. You fought the good fight. It is a blessing that his passing was peaceful. Will keep you in my prayers.
I also send my sincere sympathy on the loss of your beloved, AliM. 50 years is such a very long time, your heart must be broken. Surround yourself with love and kindness, it will help somewhat. Cassie.
AliM, I am so very sorry for your loss. Continue to come here as you now navigate the journey of grief. Ten exhaustion will take time to heal so be patient with yourself. God bless
My sincere thanks to all of you for your kind words. Your condolences mean a lot to me because I know that you understand what a "Long Goodbye" this painful journey is. I remember so many of your difficulties on your journey and hope that I can crawl out of this fog with some kind of life for myself as most of you seem to be doing. I'm going to try to make myself do at least one thing each day. Although DH was in LTC for the last 5 1/2 years this house seems so much more lonely now. To Myrtle and all of the others still in the caregiving stage, my heart is with you.
Is it just me, or does it seem as if the whole world is married? Everywhere I go, it is couples, couples, couples. My pleasant neighbors go home to their husbands. In the grocery, in church, everywhere, everybody is in pairs. I've run across three guys in the past year or so, and thought they seemed nice...like maybe in the future they could become coffee buddies or something...and each of the three guys turned out to be married or in an exclusive, live-in relationship. And the single guy across the road in back of me seemed very pleasant chatting in the yard...but managed to slip in tactfully the fact that he was dating someone. (I wasn't attracted to him per se, but I desperately need to start forming a tribe). So where are the potential tribal members for people like me...sort of a normal neighborhood person floating around like a stray atom without a molecule? DH and I were very social--I do miss the groups of people around our dining room table, or our friends' tables. Or out in restaurants, etc. Jeez Louise, I can't spend the rest of my life walking my dog in the park. (Looking forward to NY after Christmas, where at least I can always scrape up somebody to go eat supper with.)
Elizabeth I understand how you feel. We had a house full so often. Great campfires were we could look up at the mountains often ten of us. Many breakfast meals after Mass most Sunday's with eight or ten at the table. Now there is just me. I see so many couples. I'm not interested in male friends maybe a few lady friends to have a meal out or coffee, but being new here and not ever knowing if I will have drop things and go to the LTC ,it is difficult. So lonely. I'm really dreading Christmas Day again this year. Eight a.m. Quick, light breakfast, big turkey dinner at the LTC then home alone at 13:00 hrs for the rest of the day. DH is advancing so not taking him out much now. This disease is just terrible for both DH and me.
Alim, I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like he was a good man and passed holding the hand of his family. The months following are like an aftermath where it takes time for the stunning hardships we endured to begin assimilating including the strangeness of what the fact that it is all over brings.
In my case, my wife was in a nursing home for three years so I was long on my own, but I didn't feel alone until she passed. Give yourself time.
Thank you Jazzy and Wolf. I walk up the road to the mailbox, stack the mail on the dining room table and say to myself "mission accomplished". After a decade of having caregiving/manager job I don't know what living a normal life is. I do know that at age 69 I need to get off my butt and try to enjoy my time on earth. Maybe tomorrow. Elizabeth, I do believe it is a couples world. I tried dining out alone several times and I never did enjoy it. Too sad watching the couples chatting and have a gay old time. On. the bright side for you, it is December so it won't be too many more days til you can head out for NY and good friends. With your positive outlook you are going to enjoy your life. Thanks for all the wise words in your posts. Helped me a bunch.
I do not agree that it is a couples world. There are many, many single people out there. I know because I was one of them until I was 40 years old. But people who are used to being part of a couple do not "see" single people because they are just paying attention to the couples. (During the time I was married, two of my old friends whose husbands had died actually told me with straight faces that I had no idea what it was like not to be part of a couple!) Also, they tend not to see single women because those women tend not to go out alone (for the reason cited by AliM). Many people who are widowed or divorced are surprised at what it's like to be single.
When I was single, I did many things alone, like going to a movie or a craft fair but I did not go out to dinner or to the theatre alone. However, I had a bunch of single friends and I did things with them. I also had friends who were married or committed, including some men, but they tended not to invite me to join them when they did things as a couple. Because of that experience, after I was married and my husband and I went out for a casual dinner (not an anniversary or anything), I often made it a point to invite a single friend to go with us. I knew what it was like not to be able to go out for a quick bite on the spur of the moment. Sometimes my husband would say, "Can't we ever go out alone?" and I would say, Yes, but today I want to ask a single friend because I know how dreary it is not to go out much. I was always glad I had asked them to join us. Strangely, my husband had a good time talking to these friends and came home in a good mood. Probably because he was a social person and enjoyed being with people.
I'm going to start a new thread about the issue of finding people to do things with but it will not be until tonight.
myrtle, Having being born as the 4th child in a family of nine in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains, marrying at age 18, and being married for the last 50 years ,I have no experience at being single. The thought occurred to me two weeks ago today on my way home from the cemetery after his graveside service. Looking forward to your thread on finding out what kind of life I may be able to find for myself here in my small mountain town.
AliM, for what is it worth, I am finding out now 18 months since his passing that it is best to focus on MY needs and not be so focused on couples or singles mentality. After so many years of caring for mynhusband, it is now time to discover who I am and what i like. For many of us who were married for decades, raising children, working and caring for ill husbands, I know for me I never really dealt with my needs. Never had the time. Yes there are lonely times but these times will pass. In the beginning I had to force myself out of the house and try some new things. Some things I tried and it was not for me. Other things I have tried and it feels good. Different for everyone. I too am 69. I have been blessed with a little job from home that I still enjoy. I did it while he was alive because it gave me the ability to focus on something other than the all consuming illness. I would encourage you to attend at least one bearevement group as you will undoubtedly meet people who you can connect to. I went to 2--one through hospice and one through my church. Both helped immensely. I met a single nurse who lost her mother and we get together occasionally for plays and concerts. It usually just takes one friend like this to fill some of the void. Right now you just need to rest and heal from the enormous toll the disease took on u. Give yourself blessed time to do nothing except eat, sleep and rest. As you gradually heal you will find more enjoyment in small things and your motivation will return but it does not happen overnight. God bless
Thank you, CO2 for your encouraging words. I remember the struggle you went through with your husband. If you are emerging from the ALZ caregiving dungeon there is hope for me to do the same. As soon as my three granddaughters, ages 18,19 and 21, come home from school for Christmas break I am going shopping with them. Their silliness makes me laugh. I know that is temporary and I need to try to find my way without relying on family. Right now I just feel like I have been fired from my caregiving job and don't possess skills to find another one. I will heed your advice and concentrate on me and giving myself time. (((Hugs))).
I've been pondering for a couple days on Myrtle's post in response to mine about the whole world seeming to be married. I couldn't really argue with her response, but something has been nagging at me about it. I think I've figured it out: All widows/widowers are singles, but not all singles are widows/widowers. I know that one reason our local--and very good--singles group doesn't appeal to me is that I don't feel like a single. I feel like a widow.
Bear with me here, because I'm not sure I'm making any sense, but I'm trying to explain. I think when you are single because you are a widow, there is more to overcome than just getting out there and mixing with people, joining organizations, participating in activities, etc. It isn't like I'm single without ever having been married, which I think is different than being single because your spouse has died. A widow/widower first has to get through the fog of grief, loss, exhaustion, post-traumatic stress, etc. It isn't just, "Oh, wahoo, I'm going to get my highlights put back in, and buy some outfits, and have fun, fun, fun." Sometimes you just want to take your time, give it some thought and reflection, ponder seriously about what you want to do with the rest of your life. There is a whole history of the life you shared with your spouse that now is gone, and there is a lot of re-building to be done. You're maybe just not in the mood for fun, fluffy conversations over cards or at the bowling alley. I think widowhood--at least for me-- requires a good deal of introspection. After 26 months, I'm still trying to put together daily routines and new activities that mean something to me...and until I get that sorted out, I'm not sure I want to be driven by other people's agendas--bus trips to Nashville or to casinos, meaningless church or community activities that I don't care about, etc. And I guess that's how you meet people who might be potential friends or significant others--by putting yourself "out there." So in commenting that the whole world seems to be married, that is how it looks to me right now, but I'm not putting forth any effort to meet other singles--just don't care enough, frankly...but in all honesty, the world does seem full of couples, not of single people by themselves. Just saying.
Elizabeth Great explanation of how you feel. We are all in different places right now and see things different. Here I am, not a widow, not single but not a wife anymore. I don't know what I am. I don't want to join anything, I don't want to take bus trips anywhere and I sure do not want to play cards.I just want to try to get somewhere in this journey but where that is and I have no idea how to get there or where I am to move on too. My DH decided that it would be better to go to a sing-song in his diningroom today then to visit with me. He says he worries about me but preferred the sing-song then to visit with me. Yes I could have gone with him but if I do he refuses to take part so I don't go. It's all about him. This is a difficult journey for each of us and we walk it differently. There is no right or wrong way. We feel how we feel. No need for arguments. I don't know about you but when I push myself to out for a meal, I am alone among couples and they stand out!
One thing I know is that I don't like to be out by myself at night. I think New York City would be OK, because I'd be on public transportation, in well-lighted areas, on established routes, and in places that I know well; and also would have people I could call on if need be. But driving around at night here in the Heartland is scary, because I'm in a car, on roads or going back and forth to little towns that I don't know at all, and there is no way to get rescued if I get stuck with a broken down car or some such thing. ..or get lost. I do find that if I'm out and about at all, it is in daylight. I think it is easier to have a meal alone somewhere if it is breakfast or lunch rather than dinner. (Isn't it strange that I felt comfortable in Dublin morning, noon, and night by myself, but am not comfortable in the Heartland of my own country? But again, I wasn't driving, and I wasn't out in the middle of nowhere in the dark.)
I have not analyzed this too closely, but I'm thinking it's easier to be single in a big city. Hmmmm.
Elizabeth*, I don't like to drive at night, either, but it get dark so early now that it's hard to avoid it. Sunset is now at 4:15 and I often visit my husband at suppertime, which is at 4:45. The darkness is one reason I really dislike winter.
Whether you are a widow or divorced or have always been single, if you don't have anyone to socialize with, you are going to be isolated. And If you do not put yourself out to meet other people, how do you expect to socialize? As for it being a world of couples because you don't see any single people by themselves, that's my point. Single people (especially single women) are invisible because they do not usually hang out by themselves, unless they are shopping. That's why Jazzy only sees couples when she goes out for a meal alone - because single women don't often go to restaurants alone and when single men go to restaurants alone, they usually eat at the bar.
You're right, Myrtle, a lot of it is just me. The neighbors have asked me to go places with them and I've refused. In all honesty, it was because I had to cook and babysit, not so much that I didn't want to go. (The county fair, a festival at the state university, an environmental meeting about the park, a museum.) And our local, three-county singles group that meets literally around the corner from my house, is a unique and very nice group. I am looking forward to being done with childcare and cooking responsibilities in about three weeks...then of course I will stay in the Heartland for Christmas. I do want to go up and see my stepdad one more time before I head out--he is 91 going on 92--has been in the hospital and is home again on 24 hour a day oxygen. My NY friends are already asking how soon I will be up, so there are things to look forward to up there. And I've told my neighbor friends here that when I'm in the Heartland, we will definitely get together and do things that I couldn't do this year. (The county fair, for example, seems to be a big deal around here. And I want to go to a place a couple hours away that makes mountain dulcimers. And I want to take Bandit next year and make a road trip down the old route of the Parkersburg-Staunton Turnpike. One of my grandfathers was from Parkersburg, W. Va., and the other was from Staunton, Va. (Well, farms just outside those towns.)I've been to Parkersburg as a child, but never to Staunton, and the old route between the two cities is said to be interesting and historic. So a lot to look forward to. Just this little exchange between me and you has kind of lit a fire under me. Thanks for the nudge, Myrtle.
I feel like Jazzy, not a widow, not single, but not a husband anymore a lonely place. I know I have mentioned my situation many times lisa when she could telling me to move on and me saying I am. Here is what I have done, just saying not for everyone, and I must say I think this is much easier for a man than a woman. I put my profile up on a dating site and have had numerous responses and I have sent messages to a number of woman some respond some don't. I have been out on a few dates and met some very nice women. It does not have to be about finding a new sole mate or about hooking up there are many people out there just looking for a friend for a companion. I was amazed at the number! If something else happens well great.
What I have found it has got me communicating I have made a point if someone sends me a message even if they clearly Are different than me I always send them a note back thanking them and we usually have a little on line conversation. It is anonymous and you can do with it as you will but it starts the dialogue with another human. Yes I know a lot of horror stories out there but going in with your eyes wide open I think it is a good thing. When I get a new message it feels good. So I am not telling anybody to rush out there and do this just telling my story. Done right I think it is an easy way to make a tiny step forward, to start the dialogue.
Ps I have always been honest about my situation and have found nothing but positive feedback, nobody has run the other way but have found the opposite.
Rona It's up to no one but you, you are the only one that can decide for you how you live your life. Your right when you say that it is different for men then women. I'm not in the same position. My DH knows me and we can still have some meaningful conversations. His Ward nurse is concerned about him as he is not doing well. He is not participating and is sleeping quite a bit now. She talked to him with me this morning. I went to pick him up and he didn't come to meet me as he was in bed sleeping. She saw me waiting for him and we called the floor and he then came down. They are noticing changes as well so now it may be time to adjust his meds. He told her he is not sleeping at night so they will look at that as well. I don't think I will ever look for another companion. I am afraid it will end up like this again.
Rona, why don't you just repost your comment on the thread called, "Nowhere to go and no one to go there with." Your post is just the kind of suggestion we are looking for on that thread.
I don't thing there are any special cut & paste commands for this site. Don't know anything about iPad (I use a PC), but I cut & paste on my comments here by using the same commands I use for the internet on my Windows system.
Jazzy, I can so relate to what you say about not knowing who are, and Elizabeth the word introspection is a perfect description of what I think this journey is. I too hate bus trips, casino,trips and playing cards and I honestly think that grieving people who do a lot of,this stuff do so to avoid the introspection that is so necessary to healing and redefining who you are. I too hate driving at night but will do it in a pinch. Rona, good for you in using the Internet to meet people. I met my male friend on line and I have had an email relationship with a girl I met 10 years ago and we have never met in person. Yes there are crazy people on the Internet but there were also wonderful people and as I have said before we are all walking each other home.