Joe I am so sorry you feel that way, hopefully in time it will get better, I love my memories of Bob, never want to forget what we had together I love to talk about him and what he would have said to certain things, I am always commemting on things like this is what Bob would do or Dad used to do this or that, it helps me remember, I neverwant to forget all the wonderful memories, you don`t want to forget her no more than I want to forget Bob, they have been a part of our lives way to long, at times I get angry and sad but life must go on, I have family that loves and counts on me to be here, who would keep the family together if I was not here and remind the kids what there father meant to them and me. P lease give yourself time to heal(((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) for you. Gail
It has now been 3 months since I became a widow. We were married 54 years and I was only 17 when we married. We had a good life and 3 wonderful children. I can't ask for more. He is at peace and I am doing ok.
It will be two weeks tomorrow night at 11:15 pm. It still feels so surreal. I did the grocery shopping with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat as I passed by items that I would have bought for him. I picked up my phone to call him, for a moment thinking he was back at the nursing home. Our Grandsons speak of him in the present tense which warms my heart, but I hurt so much. I knew I would hurt and miss him, but nothing I could have imagined comes close to what I feel.....................
Bless you, Susan, I know how you feel...today was 3 months since I lost my love. It STILL seems unreal to me. I carry her wristwatch in my pocket at all times, and talk to her picture every time I enter the den and bedroom. I even run the tv in the bedroom for her all day until I come to bed. I visit her grave every week. I think there was only one day last week that I don't remember crying at least once. But I can tell time is slowly, ever so slowly, making me used to her not being here. So time has changed our lives, and will continue to change us to adapt to how it is. And in good time, we will heal, but never forget. ((((((HUGS)))))).
This week marked the two year anniversary of my husband's death. But, I was alone for many years before that because of the nature of his decline with the dreaded AD. We had no communication other than my caring for him for the five years before he died, and I truly believe that the long transition has made everything easier for me.
I ache for you who are just now walking on the path to a new life....it is a one step at a time process and sometimes those steps are back and not forward. But, you will make it....I promise.
Joe and Susan, big hugs coming in your direction.....
Stayed up til 11:15 pm last night, late for me. I felt the need to be outside looking up at the stars at the 2 week anniversary of my dear sweet man's passing. I had a few tears and then went to bed. I pray that each week will ease my pain.
I'm working on remodeling our old master bedroom and making it my sanctury. I've done it in soft pastels with touches of lavender. I think it will all come out peaceful and serene. Just what I need right now.
Claude passed away 2/26/09, three weeks from his 87th birthday on 3/22. On his birthday, the kids and I planted his favorite tree ( a redbud) in his memory.
Today would have been his birthday. I looked out the window this morning and overnite, the tree has burst into bloom. There wasn't any hint of color yesterday. I feel like he is looking down on me and telling me he's okay, and everything will be okay.
Susan, Even though my husband hasn't passed, however, since I placed him in ALF, I also felt the need to re-do the Master Bedroom. I hadn't slept in there in some time & I knew he would not be coming home to that room again. Just trying to adjust to being alone. Redbud, I also believe that is a sign, they are with us, even though we can't see them. I have a friend, whose husband suddenly passed away, she was having a very hard time...one day she was sitting in the sun with her hands across her chest when a small bird landed on them, sat for awhile then flew away, from that time on, she felt much better. We thought it was her Husband's way of telling her, he wanted her to go on with her life. I love Redbud trees.
Jim loved all things outdoors :o) So yesterday, on the first day of spring, when we had perfect weather, I knew he was around. Then when I saw his spring bulbs bursting open, I smiled.
Jeannette, I've painted the wall behind my bed a soft sage green. The other 3 walls are a very soft pink. The woodwork is done in a creamy ivory. The combo is really pretty. The new quilt set that I bought also has touches of lavender in it. So I will do little accents of lavender. I am framing all my favorite pictures in cream frames and even framing two or three cards that I have received which were so beautiful and just happened to be right in my color scheme! I am also getting cream throw rugs for each side of the bed. My Mom gave me her glider which has rose colored padding. My brother is also putting in an Atriam Window, which will give me much more natural light :o)
My doctor, just recommended a book on WidowHood. She said it blew her away. She read it so that she would have a better idea of what her patients (female - gyno) go through when they lose a spouse. She told me it was a must read. It is - "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion
I'm going to check with the library and see if they can get it for me.
Deaar Susan L..I am so sorry to hear of your husbands passing....I haven't been on the computer for awhile...went back to Clearwater to say good-bye to our dear friend, he had gone into Hospice, and I knew he didn't have long to go, It wasn't easy, since I just lost my husband just 9 weeks ago....the strength comes from somewhere...I like to remember the good times, I want to forget the Alz. Journey. Life goes on, its not the same, never will be...but it goes on....Bless you, Hugs....Rosalie
How hard it is to get myself up and moving. Rosalie, thank you for your wise words. I wish I could feel his presence, he said I would. I have so much that needs to be done. This time last year he was doing all the spring stuff. Now I sit and look at the mess and get more depressed. The yard needs a spring clean-up, the garage needs cleaning out, I need to paint the livingroom, now that I have walls. I just don't have the umph. Blah, even though the sun is shining . Maybe having my brother and younger son up here will perk me up. Love you all, S
Looks like so many of our husbands had a green thumb..Dario did wonnders with all the flowers and fruit trees and vegetable garden.....I on the other hand never did gardening..but now I am learning..We had such a hard winter here in Fl...everything was gone...so the other day I took a trip to Home Depot....bought a lot of plants...with the help of my daughter and the lawn man...the yard is taking shape...there are flowers in bloom..I know Dario would be proud of me, and of the yard. We have to do things that would make our loved ones proud of us....Life does go on....not the same, but it does go on...Bless you all....Rosalie....Happy Easter
Something possessed me to open up this dialogue on Widows and WIdowers, and glad I did. Reading your words of experience have comforted me. It is two weeks ago today I lost my dear Gerry. It was the first day of spring! I am having a really hard time, afternoons and evenings. Mornings, I surprise myself without the heartache and empty feeling I have at other times, even though I am into my flower garden and the water pond and waterfall he made for me. At least one of my three children were with me until last Tuesday, and that has been rough. One is in St. Louis and my son in Russia. My other daughter who lives nearby will be home tonight and I will spend Easter with her and my son-in-law. It hurts to not have any of the seven grandchildren around now that they have their own lives and have sprouted wings, not like the good old days when family was all together! How that would help! I have never been alone before, but I do have a precious loving dachshund who eases my pain.
I know I will overcome my grief in time, and know that Gerry would not want me to grieve like this for him, but life is empty without him. The words of a song have been coming to mind the last few days, and I just printed out the words and will carry them with me. It is "You Are Always in My Heart"(even tho you're far away).
I am a bit weepy here, dear friends, but I shall overcome it in time and with your help. Thank you for listening to me!
Oh Helen, How I feel and know your pain. Tomorrow, will be 4 weeks for me. I can't believe how quickly the weeks are going by. I am trying so hard to be strong and make him proud, but it is excruciatingly difficult. I'm so glad we have This Thread for the Widows and Widowers among us. The pain is even worse than I could have ever imagined. Aren't pets a blessing though? Jim loved our two little cats, they are brothers and and make us all laugh. Just when I'm feeling my worst, one of them will snuggle up with me or our little dog, Autumn will jump up and lay her head in my lap, looking for some love. Here are the words to a Lady Antebellum Song, "You Are Never Alone." Arms around, Susan
May the angels protect you Trouble neglect you And heaven accept you when its time to go home May you always have plenty The glass never empty Know in your belly You're never alone
May your tears come from laughing You find friends worth having With every year passing They mean more than gold May you win but stay humble Smile more than grumble And know when you stumble You're never alone
Chorus: Never alone Never alone I'll be in every beat of your heart When you face the unknown Wherever you fly This isn't goodbye My love will follow you stay with you Baby you're never alone
well I have to be honest As much as I wanted I'm not gonna promise that the cold winds won't blow So when hard times have found you And your fears surround you Wrap my love around you You're never alone
Chorus
May the angels protect you Trouble neglect you And heaven accept you when its time to go home And when hard times have found you And your fears surround you Wrap my love around you You're never alone
Chorus
My love will follow you stay with you Baby you're never alone
Hi everyone, I thought going on vacation would be the answer, didn`t happen, after five months I still cry for him to come home, things are a little better but going to my daughters house where I found out he was sick was not a good thing to do, it brought so many bad memories back, I did get a tatoo though, a broken purple heart with a yellow rose and a teardrop. I miss him more each day, will it ever get better? My daughter and her family are moving home to be with me, I can`t stand to be alone in this house,we are starting to look for a place for them, SIL is here to look, we brought some stuff home with us, some of the furnishing and stuff she don`t use, my little house is full. I wish I could get a sign from Bob that things will be ok, life is so empty now even with children around, it`s not the same as having a love to hold you and talk to. I wish you all well, speedy recovery and wonderful lives,hugs to you all. Gail
Gail, you can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. I can't wait for you to post a picture of your tattoo. Where did you put it?? I still haven't felt Jim's presence, that really bothers me too. Hang in with me, my friend, you are not alone.
marygail, three months after dh died I went north to "our was to be retirement home" I cried the three hours it took me to get there. Once I arrived I entered the house and called out to him, he didn't answer. I went from room to room wanting him to be waiting for me. I missed him so much because that was "our place" I had never been there without him. I was there from May to November and missed him every day. By the time I left, I was feeling so much better. I still miss him but it is easier as the time passes.
Oh Joyce, how I know that feeling. So often when I enter our home, I expect to find him waiting for me. I'm so glad to know that you are starting to feel better, it gives me hope. Arms around, S
Wow, going to the cemetary (in Massachusetts, I live in Maine) yesterday was sooooo unbelievably hard. I completely fell apart. It was like a shocking feeling. I had bought a beautiful basket of purple and white flowers and an American Flag. I just kinda collapsed when I saw the ground, still dirt, as it is too early for the grass to start growing. I sat next to Jim's grave, then laid down next to it. It was a heart-wrenching experience. I am going back today before I head home, I hope it will be at least a little bit easier. 5 weeks today, it still seems sureal.
From my experience , the difficulty remains but even though i know my dh is not in that grave, i feel we meet there and i talk to him. his grave is in a national cemetary and it is beautiful and peaceful with deer and other animals roaming about. it is comforting to know when i die i will be placed on top of his coffin. go ahead and grieve, it helps to weep.
I go to the cemetery every Sunday and change the artificial flowers in her marker's vase. Before I can start to talk to her, I tear up...can't help it. I talk to her at home, and at the gravesite. If I couldn't do that, I think I'd go crazy. She may not answer, but I feel she can hear me. Maybe I'm crazy anyway. I'm getting used to being alone ('cause I talk to her), but I still don't feel like socializing. I don't like to be with people, because then I feel alone without her with me.
You are both so right about the comfort of being at the cemetary, I felt that today, now that the shock of that first time is over. The Grief Website has kind of given me "permission" to grieve as I need to. I understand now Joe what you mean about not wanting to socialize. There are only a select few that I care to spend time with right now. I once heard someone say that even in a crowded room, they felt alone. That is how I feel, like I'm watching from afar, all alone. I know it will be better someday, just not right now. Arms around, S
Susan, Joy and Texas Joe, your words describe completely how I am trying to deal with my Gerry's death, just March 20th. It seems like an eternity already. Each morning I seem to cope quite well, then comes noon when I would be leaving for the 40 mile trip to visit him at the care center, and I have an enormous hollow in my gut, and the tears flow. Evenings I just go to bed very early. His grave is only a mile and a half away so I have gone often to visit and talk, but lately it seems I cannot cry there, only when I get in the car or home and yell out to him WHERE ARE YOU! My life is so empty without him. I have a photo on his dresser and each time I pass it I kiss his handsome face and talk to him. Each night my little doxie and I say good night to him, sleep in peace, we love you and miss you.
I too cannot socialize despite family and friends telling me to get out with people. I just want to be alone with my thoughts, until better days come. How wonderful to have this message board to lean on one another and share our inner feelings.
I find myself checking in often to check on this thread. It is nice to have each other to lean on and as Helen said, "share our inner feelings" Arms around you all, Susan
Its strange that in the years before my dh's passing, we would travel past the cemetery where he is now buried and didn't pay any attention to it...(it is just a few miles from our home) I now am so thankful that I can have his burial site close by so I can go visit whenever I wish. You will begin to socialize gradually and that is a good thing . I have found a grief meeting is a good initial place to meet with others and be able to cry and talk about our loved one with others who understand our sorrow . (and also our need for solitude) It is rather embarrassing to be with others who are not grieving as I am and to suddenly have tears welling up in my eyes without warning. It can happen when I hear a song that has meaning , or any other incident that we shared or perhaps nothing so meaningful however touches my memories of him.
Jim was in the process of making me the garden of my dreams, when he became ill and lost most of his focus. I love gardens, but hate to garden. Yesterday my daughter and I went out and began the spring clean up in this garden. Today I went out alone and got about 2/3 of it done. I found myself crying and angry at Jim for leaving me. This has never happened before and really took me by surprise. I was out there raking, pulling weeds, and cursing him for leaving me with this huge yard to tend to. I mean really, like he had a choice! I'm told that this is the next step in the Grief Process, but it sucks. I so love this man, and miss him so very much, yet today I want to slap him for leaving me. I exhausted myself, and after a sleepless night, I'm wiped out. When oh when will this get easier?
O Susan I feel your pain and anger, I just yelled at Bob for leaving me to handle everything, I never had to handle much he did most everything especially the yard work, I yelled because I had to get the the garbage out ,such a small thing ,I too miss him so much, my trip to Arizona was a bust, I thought of him all the while I was there and was mad because he wasn`t there to enjoy it with me. I have yardwork to do and am not looking forward to it, keep putting it off. I think I will gather up the older grandchildren and get them to do it for me, everyone tells me it gets easier but it`s going on six months and still have a hard time, I can now go to the cemetery to visit him(the snow is finally gone) this is going to be hard.((((((((( HUGS))))))))))) Gail
Am I the only one who does not go to the cemetary? It was a year this past Feb. that dh died. Since then I have only been there three times. Once two weeks after, the second time was to see the marker and the third time was to go with my daughter so she could see the marker. I don't feel as though he is there and I feel closer to him at home. Could that be because we did not go to the grave site but had the service in the chapel at the cemetary. They do not have burials during the winter here because of the frozen ground. It really does get easier Susan, but even after a year there are still days that I miss him as much as I ever did. How many times did you hear :"We just take it one day at a time" when we we caregivers. It's the same after it's over "take it one day at a time". I believe we grieve as long as we need to, just don't let the grief control your life.
Joyce, I don't go to the cemetary either. In fact, I have been there only one time and that was to check on the marker. I don't get anything out of it...he isn't there and I don't see the point. But, if it was something that made me feel better, I would certainly go.
I thought maybe I was the only oddball in the bunch....but then, I have always marched to my own beat......LOL......!
Joyce* and Sandi*, I'm marching with you....LOL. I too have always marched to my own beat...LOL.
It's been nearly 14 months and I've only been to the cemetery once. We went to check the marker and found it hadn't been installed. Due to a mixup, it was still in the storage room of the funeral home. Within a couple of days, it was installed but I haven't been back.
His ashes were buried in our hometown 150 miles away, which is part of the problem, altho I don't think I would visit that often even if we still lived there. Like Sandi* said, "he" isn't there. Now that the weather is decent, I will be making a trip up there to visit family and friends and will go to the cemetery..
He is in my 39+ years of memories and will always be. I bring out these memories, both good and bad often. Grief is "one days at a time" and one day, only the good memories will remain.
Well, it’s been almost 4 months now, about 1/3 through the first year, and not close to being a ‘happy camper’. If things don’t change by Dec. 20th, I will start preparing to become a skydiver. If I have a massive stroke or heart attack on my first piggyback jump, so be it. However, if I don’t, and I get qualified later, I will dive until either I am given a faulty ’chute, or my life changes at some point, when I will then quit diving ’cause I want to live. So that’s the plan still, and I will continue to visit her grave at least once a month, probably not every Sunday as I do now. All the special days (anniversary, birthday, and holidays) will cover most months.
It's been just a little over a year and I hurt more than I thought I would at this point. My DH's ashes are in a memorial garden in the back of the church. I've been there every couple of months...mostly because it's a peaceful place where I'm not distracted and can just think about him for a while. My biggest memories are in pictures. I go through albums and the photo book that I made and find myself remembering the wonderful times. When I just think about him, it's hard to get past the last couple of years when he was so bad....pictures help me remember the better times.
FLgirl* there are times when I think I should be over the grief and then there are times when I think maybe I'm not grieving as much as I should be.
Joe, I promised my gr daughter that I would go sky diving with her on my 70th birthday. I sure hope she forgets in the next few years. Or maybe she will have more sense than to want to go.
Flgirl, I to take comfort from pictures. I am so glad that I took as many as I did. I love photography and am usually the one behind the camera. I have framed many and have hung or placed them throughout my newly redone bedroom. I love to look at all the photo albums. Sometimes it is bittersweet, but it still gives me comfort. As far as grieving goes, there is no set way to grieve. It is a very personal process. As I read somewhere, "Let the fire of your grief, fuel your recovery."
Life and grieving seem to be a rollercoaster for me. Mornings I feel in good spirit and can face the day, but again that empty feeling prevails. It is not quite four weeks but its seems like an eternity. I agree with you that the cemetery seems an empty spot, he is not there. He is in my heart and soul. It is comforting to look at pictures of better days, but then I look at the photo taken at the care center on his birthday, February 13th, and he is a shadow of the vibrant and happy man I knew, who spread joy to all who knew him, and I say that he would never want to be that way. He passed away on March 20th.
Can someone tell me how to get the star alongside my name?
HLK, after you sign in, click on the tab named Account, then click on the Personal Information option at the left, and add the * to your user name, and don't forget to SAVE the change at the bottom of the screen.
HLK What I did was click on my name in one of my post. Then click on personal information on the left side of that page. When your information comes up just go to your name and add the star after it. Make sure you click save at the bottom of the page.
Hi Texas Joe and Joyce! I am going to call it a TIE, 'cause I love you both! Thanks. Let us hope we have a good day today, asnother day of healing and dealing.