Myrtle, I did volunteer at a no kill cat shelter and went yesterday for the first time. There are 40, mostly abandoned and abused cats who need lots of love and I have lots of love to give.
Hey Elizabeth, I too am finding drawn to do more cleaning. I am reading The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up. It is a best seller and is a how to on decluttering using the Japanese art of decluttering. I must say I have just started but it is pretty amazing. There is a second book which I have not started. I am almost a year out. Visited his grave on Sunday and Monday is when this need to clean began. I was able to get rid of more clothes and books that were his. She points out that before organizing one must declutter and she suggests picking up each article of clothing, books, etc and ask yourself "Does it spark joy?" If one is listening the answer will come. If it is no you get rid of it. If it is yes you keep it. One needs to start with clothes first and then books because those are the easiest. The momentos are the most difficult so leave those for last. I really thought I had done quite a bit of getting rid of stuff until I read this book. Came up with 2 bags for charity.
Wow! I also bought that book a couple of months ago. I like the focus on "Does it spark joy?" I find that helpful.
I , too, feel the need to declutter and find order. I'm going on one year next month as a widow. Could hardly Write that word. I think part of trying to get order is a response to planning a new life or rather adjusting to the life that is now changed.
However, I am still struggling with parting with my husband's belongings including clothes. I am going to try to clean Out and donate Spring and summer clothes. But, when I go to empty a drawer of his, I almost feel I am betraying him. Not quite sure how to describe the feeling that results in my closing the drawer.
Anyone else want to share their thoughts on saving or donating spouse's belongings.
Lorrie, as far as getting rid of his things, you will be able to do it when you are ready. If you are still having feelings of betrayal, then I doubt you are ready and that is okay. You just need more time. I had gotten rid of so much stuff when I placed him that there really wasn't much left. My son went to the nursing home after he died and took his things to the Salvation Army so I was not faced with ton of stuff to get rid of. I am learning that the ability to discard things that belonged to our spouses someone gradually and is not something one can force
Yes, Lorrie, let your feelings lead you. Some days I have energy to do things and like this past Monday I felt the need to go nowhere and be isolated. It was the day after I went to the cemetery. That was the day I started to clean. It really makes perfect sense that cleaning is an outward reflection of what we are experiencing inside--making room for a new life and adjusting to what is. Another thing that helps me is I found Penzu which is a free diary app that I have in my I pad. I try to write something every day about my feelings. It is completely private and easier for me to wife instead of using pad and pencil. Like u I have no,plans to move now but it could change. I had no plans to buy a car either but I did. Sine he died I am much more into not planning to much and taking each day as it comes. I think if I move the desire will come from within and will not have to be something I force upon myself.
Several weeks after Claude passed, the Hospice group that cared for him was having a garage sale, proceeds of which were going to patients and/or their families who didn't have money for extras they needed. We packed up his things and donated them for the sale except for a few things I still have hanging in my closet.
I was one of the spouses who grieved a little bit each day for 10+ years. With the help of my kids, I was able to keep him at home until the end and was holding his hand when he took his last breath.
Just like people are different, different people handle their grief in different ways. What works for one, doesn't necessarily work for the next one. My sister-in-law is a case in point. My brother-in-law passed on 36 years ago. His clothes are still in his closet, his tools in his workshop etc.
That was a wonderful, detailed and insightful dream you had. (It must be the Irish writer in you.) I find that my dreams often give me more insight than if I sit down and try to puzzle things out.
This is a very interesting discussion. I am another Irish Catholic girl, now age 86. Myrtle writes: "This assumption of inferiority is often applied to older people, and especially to older women. In a youth-oriented society, it seems hard to escape the idea that older people exist to be of service to others." Unfortunately, I've found her observations to be true. I think it also applies to older men. I remember a brilliant obstetrical doctor being treated disrespectfully once he reached his 70's. His mind and abilities were still intact , but he walked a little slower, and his hearing was less acute. His patients were safer under his care than with a younger doctor. I saw the day when he realized he was seen as a older doctor who wasn't quite up to it, and he retired soon afterwards. Elizabeth, I think you have lots to offer a good man and that there will be one soon in the future. I think of Vickie and what a jewel she is, and someone spotted that. I think, too, of the many fine men who have been on this site and how they were valued by women.
It's good to have this time to do exactly that. Being in a relationship takes time and energy, and it can pull you away from your own creativity. I've talked this over with younger women writers, and they say that they put the larger emotional investment into the relationships. They say it affects their writing output.
I was raised Catholic too. Holy first communion, confirmation, catechism, and I learned some of the basic principles I became from that. Half a century after leaving because of irreconcilable differences about original sin and confession, I still value the things the church first taught me.
I'm glad to read your last post Elizabeth because it sounds like you're on the doorstep of further expansion. I say that because you have all the elements of the considerations included in what sounds like it's approaching a balance.
I think that reactions within ourselves to things we consider, do, and don't do are strong and multiple early which I bet is still happening in the second year for most. It's a process to become more ourselves and try on new things while reconciling the powerful things we underwent. Those happen simultaneously.
Finding new relationships and new friendships is braided in with finding more of our own selves in the moments and moving through that in a process where our reactions modify into a better harmony with how we see ourselves. Not an easy process for anyone and I would describe the process as progression in healing and sufficient time and experience in this new reality - to move towards more authorization and action in being ourselves. I wanted to say in being ourselves again just there, which it is, but as we know it's also something new.
I would offer some thoughts. It simply has to be true that we have massive needs that have been neglected for a long time. It's also true that we are in new territory where the last time we were quite open to new friendships/relationships was a long time ago, in a different world, and at a different time in our life. I only want something that is genuine to me and the best way for that to happen is when I act like me and any association or friendship or relationship is based on that real me. Besides some people just like you and some people just don't.
And finally, in making new open ended friendships, I am way out of practice and I am way over torqued. I need experience in it just to find more out about myself now - never mind much to do with the person(s) I'm with at the time.
As always, I never expect that anything I do will change how I feel overall much. Grief that we go through has a long tail and the beginning of that long tail is where grief has moved more into the back seat. At first grief does the driving. I do know for certain that all these things keep moving me away from domination by life horrific events and towards a greater fullness of me in my life. That's the right direction.
The best question and an annoying one because it's hard to answer is this:
What do you actually want here, Wolf?
....
I am looking at a nearly complete graphite drawing of three ten year olds hanging on to one of those chain swings, all screeching in delight. I'm a couple of days away from starting to paint it in oils. I started it on April 9 and like so much else, was just doing the work without feeling anything inside. But I am now feeling connected to this.
I lifted something heavy and moved it awkwardly and I think that's why I now have serious pain in my knee and my back. I could hardly sleep again last night and I've had this for almost a week. I didn't connect what I lifted and spent a few days wondering what new horror was now in my life. It made me tear up because it really is painful and I don't have a doctor who retired and I have enough bad things to try and overcome already. It shocked me because I haven't felt sorry for myself on principle.
I discovered these feelings when my cats came in wanting a bit of cream as I made my coffee and instead of talking to them and going over to put a splash into their bowls, I cried out "I'm in a lot of pain here" and tears ran down my face. The cats left because it was too weird. Time of your life, eh kid?
So I haven't slept and I'm hoping I don't have to go to a walk in clinic and I'm waiting for my beloved Raptors to start playing in Indiana at 3pm and I already had a long conversation with a friend arguing over capital cost allowance because he's going to try to help another friend who rented out their house, I have a book enroute to read apparently (right Mary?), and I am finally preparing a canvas again and I love it.
Caregiving made me stronger because it made me realize that whenever life throws me down, I always get up again. I live in fear. Don't get me wrong. But that's sane because this life actually is going to kill me. But not just now. That was true the minute I popped out of mom still tied to the cord and that idiot doctor started hitting me. I should have kicked him but I didn't know how to use my legs yet - or even that I had such things to kick with. "We're all doomed!", I should have yelled, "Put me back!" Oh well.
But in terms of the knee and back, are you taking anything for the pain? I'm not recommending anything...(nurses don't diagnose or prescribe)...but if that happened to me, I probably would have started taking anti-inflammatory dosages of ibuprofen. Probably 600 mg. every four hours, with food or milk on my stomach and not drinking any alcohol while I was on that. If that didn't help I would have tried 800 mg. of ibuprofen four times a day (not more than 3200 mg. in a 24 hour period.) And if it was going on towards a week and I was still in pain, I would get checked out by a doctor. Again, I'm not telling you to do that...just saying that's what I would do.
Another nurse here. Wolf, you have my sympathy. I've had a lot of pain in my life and have tried many things, the latest being intramuscular stimulation, IMS. Given by a physio, it is most effective. Yes, I mailed you the book as soon as you gave me your address. It should be there soon. Elizabeth, if you'd like a copy, email me your address, and I'll send you one.
Great discussions from Elizabeth, Wolf and Mary 75. I too was raised Catholic but not Irish. I am of German descent. I like you Elizabeth must start saying yes to things instead of making excuses to stay at home. Yesterday I spent the day with my granddaughter at her school for Grandparent's Day. Her other set of grandparents were there and I went because my son asked me to. But I honestly felt like a fifth wheel. They have spent and continue to spend huge amounts of time with the grandkids--much more than I wish to or could even if I wanted to. As a result, I do not have that real close relationship. I don't know--I love my grandchildren but I have been there and done the raising of children and I do not want (at least right now) to spend a lot of time of them. I wonder if something is wrong with me. I too am keeping track of my dreams. They can reveal a lot of what we are trying to work through subconsciously. I have no idea about remarriage. Honestly it scares the heck out of me thinking that I may have to go through this again. I have a friend whose first husband died. She remarried and got breast cancer and her second husband died of Alzheimers. They were only married 7 years. What kind of marriage was that? It just seems easier to stay single. I think it is absolutely true that older people are set aside. I just have to get busy and create a life. It is not easy.
CO2, when you talk about them having a closer relationship with them but you having what you want also, that's exactly the kind of thing I meant when I put up that question "what do you really want here?" You're not a fifth wheel. It's just that part of the experience is seeing that they are more familiar because they want to spend more time doing that than you do and that's good all around.
Guys, thanks, I'll try and be responsible about this. My best guess is that it's been six days where it took a day or so to come out. I also wonder if my back twitches are because I'm compensating. I suspect I'm going to order a pizza tonight.
I do a lot of odd things. I was developing a series of exercises bored people could consider. One involved growing an indoor herb garden, one involved growing or harvesting local fragrant plants and drying them making fragrance cachets from old cloth patches, and another was geared at self therapy. That one involved buying an interesting jigsaw puzzle and spreading it on a table for a few days or weeks where you have to talk out loud about the things crossing your mind as though you're doing it in front of Oprah Winfrey. A glass of wine or any other drink hot or cold is optional. If that becomes a tearful experience, then bring out a pad of paper and write down twenty things you can pull out of your memory that were good. Then you flesh those stories out a bit. Then you have a really down day and quite likely these thoughts you wrote down drift into your mind. Maybe a bit indirectly. Maybe in your dreams.
You can see those examples are more female. The herbs would keep coming back in our life. I still have some oregano from Dianne's garden that must be 10 years old but still has impact. The fragrances are an aromatic therapy. Having just 3 types of dried material means you can try numerous different blends. Knowing you're supposed to talk out loud while doing the jigsaw may promote some untangling of the knots and with a little luck involves us in solving the puzzle eventually. If you have cats and keep the jigsaw out on the table, be sure to include the cat box when you hunt for the missing pieces. I found a missing one in there once years ago. One of life's little mysteries.
Wolf, That's interesting about original sin, although it was not the cause of my departure. Like you, I value many of the general principles the church taught me and try to live by them.
Myrtle, I'm pretty sure there are a lot of different types of people and some variation in how we think doesn't really matter does it? As to a maternal instinct, I have it for animals too.
That was true the minute I popped out of mom still tied to the cord and that idiot doctor started hitting me. I should have kicked him but I didn't know how to use my legs yet - or even that I had such things to kick with. "We're all doomed!", I should have yelled, "Put me back!" Oh well.
Thank you guys. Another sleepless night where every single position caused a dull pain - but I'm too busy keeping my eye on the prize that my leg isn't falling off and it really is behaving like the strain it's very likely to be.
This is the first thing that's happened to me in 11 years when I had an eye problem. I haven't even had a cold. The last time I saw my doctor was 2008 and like so many things about this dementia experience - I'm trying to learn because I'm desperate to get back on my feet - HA!
I've been sitting here for four hours and it's eight am. I haven't slept more than fits and starts for about 4 days now. But the serious pain that has been shooting through my back, hips, knee, and shin are absent including this morning.
What I learned from dementia is I can tire out the energizer bunny. I'm a veteran in not sleeping. I can take a lot of pain. I'm still weird because when your leg does this you don't just accept it and try and bull through it - you figure out what you should do - then ignore that and bull through it.
I'm not going to try and get away with that. It's true, but it's also true that I was really hurting inside about this new bad thing and I am so frigging grateful it's probably a knee ligament strain that I could cry like a baby. Having admitted that, I can tell you I have fond memories of the people I snapped in half thinking that because I admit my weaknesses I must be weak (I'm talking careers).
I've said so many times how tired I am of just keeping going. It's not pretty at times. But I know that I would have been here fretting and mired in other things I'm wrestling with anyways. This at least is real and tangible. It made me have strong feelings. I haven't had many of those. And it shoved in my face that I'm not operating as normally as I like to think. It's nuts to just accept things like these pains as my permanent state. And it's emotional to see that I did that, that there actually was a cause and effect right in front me, and I have promised myself that when this is largely gone - I MUST CELEBRATE that.
Except I don't have anything I want and I can't enjoy a reward yet for it's own sake and I have no idea how to do something like really celebrate what I've already said is very emotional for me. Only now can I see that clearly. I have happy and funny moments. I can't create them yet even when I promised myself, I guess.
Mary, your book arrived in the mail. I look forward to reading it. I hadn't realized you were short listed for the Governor General's Award for your book Snow Apples. That's impressive. Thanks very much for this.
That's the correct use of shouting Fore! on a golf course. It's green speak for DUCK!
I've had an action packed day. My optometrist called to say my health card had been rejected because I was deceased. It turns out they had been writing to our old address where this, like my driver's license, disappeared in Dianne's early Alzheimer's. One of her jobs was all the notifications which wasn't out of line because she had been working full time up until 2 months earlier and chose early retirement. From there I learned that I'm not driving with an expired license. I'm driving without one. I dropped off the system and need to go pass a written test and earn my beginner's drivers license again. "But I owe all this money", I said, "because I've been driving the whole time." She suggested I stop doing that. Then my neighbour called asking if I could drive them to the hospital again. I did that for them about a week and a half ago. I told them I couldn't because I have a strained knee and it's painful to drive. It was moving his wooden air conditioner cover stupidly that caused this in the first place.
I like the image of the deer lying in the thicket and Bandit snooping around in the leaves. I have negative input here today but that's why I try to take the tone I do. Whether I'm feeling positive or negative - I still want to move forward. Apparently walking for a bit. Make that hobbling. It does seem to be getting better though and facing my driver's license mess has been something I've avoided like the plague. Now I'm going to get this done.
I had a long talk with my sister today. She has her own knee problems and is likely to need an operation down the road. I think I penetrated her stubborn will pushing that she needs a cleaning lady. I'm fiendish and planted several times how much more energy she would have when the grandchildren came. "I have my own life" said the lady who just installed wireless internet so those same grandchildren could have their noses in their 'devices'. She's dead set against 'the internet' but they must have their devices so...
I would offer the idea of starting to watch or listen to some Yankee baseball games but I suspect that might not be comforting.
Well, no, it isn't that--I don't mind having the Yankees on, but we don't get them on TV here the way they do in NY. I more or less keep up with them by reading the sports section of the NY Times online.
I had to laugh about your sister having wireless internet for the grandchildren. I have it for myself...but I also have a fancy TV cable package that I seldom watch...but boy, does it ever include a lot of cartoons! And the Disney channel, etc., etc. The kids love it, and I have to say it keeps them out of my hair, since they don't have cable at home...DD wants them doing more enriching things. (Like fighting over her iPad to play Minecraft.) Ha-ha.
Hmmmm. Sorry to hear that you're deceased, Wolf. Apparently, just like Mark Twain, reports of your death have been greatly exaggerated. Good luck regaining your driver's license, now that you are resurrected enough to take the tests.
Well, Pup is yipping and telling me it's time to sit on the couch and watch Netflix on the laptop. I am binge-watching Doc Martin. Love that show.
Wolf...I am so sorry for your loss (of yourself). I hope the end was peaceful, warm and fuzzy. Maybe when you are up to it you could let us all know what the trip to the other side was like...ha ha just kidding!
I too love Doc Martin!! And before Doc Martin it was Monarch of the Glen. No one does quirky characters - say, a whole village - like the British. There is something almost envious in the way that Doc Martin suffers no fools and concerns himself with no social conventions. Is it selfish? Whatever, I wish I could do it!
That optometrist lady is a card. She phoned to check that she had the number right. Then she phoned about ten minutes later explaining that apparently I was dead. That's when I found out I never answered the letters I never got. I phoned them planning on waiting on the phone for an hour and got through in eight minutes. I told him my sorry story and he was great. I just need three pieces of identification that I am in fact not dead and have been residing in Ontario. I will do that.
If I had hobbled into the walk-in clinic, they couldn't have helped me because I don't have a valid health card. With one of those I get all kinds of free services. Without one I don't exist anywhere in the medical world.
I asked about driver's licenses and he switched me to the right area where they answered the phone inside three minutes. That young lady cheerfully explained that my license was 9 years 7 months and 16 days expired. I wanted to ask what the record was but I held my tongue. I'm retarded not stupid. I was fine with driving with an expired license that was (cough) years out of date, but I would now knowingly be driving without a license. What...was...I...thinking? I can answer that actually. I was avoiding this whole thing like the plague because whenever I thought about it, it felt like the four horsemen anxiety, depression, guilt, and his other brother darryl, where charging at me full gallop.
Luckily it appears that my leg hasn't decided to spontaneously break down and I learned that I shouldn't be swinging around eighty pound, awkward objects after years of being almost completely sedentary. I'm retarded not stupid.
I look at life from a victim's point of view because that's the place I lived in and maybe victim or any other word is too specific. It's the effects of what that did which are proven to be there by virtue of comparing ourselves before and after. So many of my growth moments have been breaking through that whatever-it-is that holds you like an unseen web until you break free of a specific one and turn around and look.
I have no clearer example than to tell you that I realized later in the day that if I had gone immediately when I realized my license was expired about four years ago it would have made zero difference. Instead, I would have been getting my license while taking care of Dianne still. And, there is no outstanding bill. I should have stopped driving but I didn't and that's about a thousand dollars there. I got through Dianne and I got some time to recover a bit and now events happened that are making me face this thing that seemed insurmountable before. It's all in how you see things.
I've said this before but it bears repeating. I've read a lot of philosophy. I made it a vocation for years. I've never seen it all put more simply than a line in Pollyanna. "If you look for the good in a person you shall surely find it. And if you look for the bad in a person you shall surely find it." It's all in how you see things and seeing things how you decide is what I call authorization. Not easy but not all that hard either.
Aunt B, my experience was interesting in the same way that drinking a bottle of jack daniels makes looking at the floor up close interesting. It reminded me of Jim Carrey squeezing out of the robot Rhino's behind in Pet Detective Two. It was like spending an entire evening with Richard Simmons or watching Liberace in a feather boa playing the piano (I wish my brother George was here). It was Catch 22 where if you're healthy too long your health card gets cancelled.
As for Brit shows, I love them. All Creatures Great And Small, Time Team, Escape To The Country, Blackadder, Monty Python, and all the way back to The Goon Show on radio. There's also a show called Castle (I think) that I like. They live and work in medieval ways. Not all that different from today really.
I did enjoy an out loud laugh with, "That young lady cheerfully explained that my license was 9 years 7 months and 16 days expired. I wanted to ask what the record was but I held my tongue."
We can use a laugh. That's how it happened though. These particular things happening, for me, were serious. The collection of things I can't face aren't serious really - but they are the things I couldn't face. Those are personal. I made a list of them and I'm going to tackle them all now. In fact I spent all day yesterday working through one of the other big avoidances - doing the tax filings for the last two years. I called the optometrist lady and asked for a week to solve this. No problem. Now I can heal more from the knee before I do that. Then this morning I investigated and found out a local centre can do this and they're never busy so that makes it much easier for me. I have all the documents I need ready.
Yesterday I got a friend to agree to drive out here and take me to my driving test when I have that scheduled. But this morning I realized I could take the money I don't owe for driving those years - and spend it on a driving school where they can brush me up and drive me to the appointment as part of the service. I can't be the only person who has to re-qualify for a license.
I've written this several times because it's very hard for me to face my own fears. When I get through this short list, I will be out of things harassing my mind except for the dental work and somewhere finding a doctor. And the big one - learning to live in the big empty.
I'm not fooled into thinking that solving these personally hard things will make me feel better. They're not going to. I'm not that concerned because I don't worry about my mental health anymore. I worry about my well being knowing it's been under serious strain. I'm just glad I have enough of me back that when it came time to face my personal fears - I'm managing it.
Wolf, I think all of us in the "club" are all facing fears as we grieve. I know I am. I am dealing with my fear of going new to places alone. I am also dealing with the fear of what people will think if I do this or that. Intellectually I know it is crazy but it still happens.
Some things I'm not afraid of, but I'm finding I just don't care about. I have not got myself back into routine medical or dental care. In terms of dentistry, I use my water pick and sonic toothbrush, and have not had any problems...so just can't be bothered. It's the same with setting up routine wellness appointments with the doctor. I'm not having any problems, live a life that is moderate and I don't intend to change any health habits (yes, I eat real butter and sugar and walk in the sunlight). After my experiences with Larry, I have no wish to live too long. So what if I make myself miserable trying to minimize all cardiac and cancer risk factors...so that when I've become one of the many very old, demented, frail elderly, I'm just warehoused in a nursing home somewhere lonely and miserable, costing the taxpayer a fortune...and for what? I just don't care if I die young...I'm not pushing anything, but I'd rather be gone by around age 80 at the latest. I always thought my father died far too young at 74 of the brain tumor that came out of nowhere and killed him in four months. Well, now I think he was one of the lucky ones.
I'm finding that when it comes right down to it, I don't care much about socializing, either. I mean, how could I forget to go to a dance? Forget??? I'm really enjoying these months with the puppy, and he takes an incredible amount of time and energy. I know he won't be little very long, and it's been a long time since I had a dog. So I'm just enjoying him, and struggling to find enough time in between potty walks to get anything done. It's like the days when I had babies in the house...you do well to get your teeth brushed, right?...only this time it's a baby dog instead of a baby human.
The neighbors are friendly and nice...saying that I was staying here and then getting Bandit seems to have opened a lot of doors...everyone on the road (ten houses) seems to love dogs. But I just don't feel particularly like getting close to anyone. I did try to join Friends of the Library--I love libraries. But I guess the Friends are not friendly, because the contact person has not called me back. lol So I don't know, I have a yen to spend more time alone with my writing and music...less time with the grandchildren...and while I don't think I'll ever be a hermit, I value my time alone and like my own company...and the companionship of my dog. I can feel my new life percolating...I am just letting it happen...and not forcing anything. Alzheimers was incredibly damaging, as we all may have mentioned a time or two.lol It took away so much. And it is taking a while after going back to square one...a blank slate...to put a new life together. ...an authentic life...that feels comfortable and right.
Elizabeth, you say things so well. I too am not much into socializing especially even with my own family. I have a sense that I will live long since my dad passed at 96 and my mother is almost 94. Don't know if I am too happy about that but it is out of my control. It is all about quality of life anyway. I did venture out to the social justice meeting at church mostly to interact with some new people. They were very inviting and nice. I will go back. Looking into starting a prison ministry at church so we will see how that goes. Since I dislike new things this was a big step for me. The daughter in law is due to deliver a baby any minute so went over there the other night to help out. I love my grandchildren but a couple hours with them and I have had enough. I am really liking the solitude of my house and I find I crave quiet more and more. I do take care of my doctors appointments because I always did so this is not new for me. I have a tiny garden Where I plant a few seeds and tomato plants and usually plant a few pots of flowers but it has been so cold. Hoping that changes soon.
I spent a few hours with my boys and their families yesterday and realized when I returned home that I prefer being at home reading. I love my family but something has changed since AZ and my husband's death. The other place where I feel at home is at the cat shelter with my furry friends. I'm going to go back to my knitting group after 2 years away. I'll see how that goes.