Elizabeth. I am so happy for your new little friend and your decision to stay. I have been reading your posts as you wrestled with the decision to move or not. So often we think our lives will be greener somewhere else. I remember when I was in my 50s I dreamed of moving to Florida when I retired. Had a plan, looked at houses, researched the best areas and wanted the warm weather so much. But he did not want to move. Once after a trip there to look at houses he said to me "why do you want to,leave your family? The question stopped me in my tracks and I had no answer. Now when I look back, I realize it would have been a disaster to move as I would have had to travel the Alz journey alone without family. My grief is still there but getting better. I no longer feel like I have to make new friends or find new groups to join. What seems to be working is just getting up every day and being grateful and taking whatever comes one day at a time. Getting my taxes done this weekend with my son, took the car in for repairs, my daughter in laws mother died so going to the funeral and have a new granddaughter due any day. I used to be a huge list maker, had to finish everything on my list---now not so much. Yesterday I cleaned out a couple drawers And found more pictures. My one son has turned out to be the family picture person so giving them to him. I miss being married but honestly felt like I was let out of prison when he passed. Not ready for any pets. We had dogs all our married life and do not want the responsibility now. I do worry about money. I am okay but I think lots of people wonder if the money will last. I continue to work from home and will keep doing it as long as I can. Here in Ohio this winter has been so much better than last with not nearly as much snow. I have been able to walk more which has helped. Anyway give bandit a hug for me.
Thanks, Margaret and C02. I really had no idea the grandchildren would be so upset about it. It's a good thing I thought to sit down and discuss it with them, instead of just pulling up stakes and hitting the road. They're very short on benign and benevolent older relatives. I won't bore you with the family tree, but due to various circumstances involving death, distance, and disabilities, I am pretty much it. I certainly don't want to be indispensable--I don't think Anybody is indispensable--but since this is how the children feel, I can certainly be here for them in some ways. (Christmas cookies and puppies, lol.) Basically I'm able-bodied with a good highway vehicle and a dollar in my pocket--when I need to be away, I'll Be away--but I'll come back here to my little house on the park and my daily routines. (And pet care now.) New York is only a seven or eight hour drive, and my friend Phyllis has just said to come and stay whenever I want--no need to pay for the room. So that is nice, and I would never take advantage, of course. I will plan to keep big, strong shields up with DD, s-i-l, and the grands...(mostly DD)...that is going to be the key....I am sooooooo aware of that...but I think I can cope. This sounds a little conceited, but I'm finding that a lot of the energy and strength I used to take care of Larry all those years is now being used to take care of myself. People who are not there to enhance me...who just want to take advantage of me because I'm lonely and tired (or was) can just butt out. I'll create some kind of blending of the two lifestyles--NY and the Heartland. I can do this. And I feel close to Larry in either place--he died here in the back bedroom--he's interred in New York overlooking the Hudson river. So either is good as far as being able to feel he is nearby.
Forgot to tell Margaret that actually I am writing that novel--an outer space action-adventure story. I do a couple pages with a pen and school notebook in bed at night, and then type it into the computer in the morning, editing it and revising it a bit as I go along. Great fun. I am just doing it for my own amusement...silly really...but it puts me in a good mood.
Elizabeth, I think you CAN and SHOULD keep those ‘big, strong shields up with DD, s-i-l, and the grands…(mostly DD)’, and it will work out. DD seems to be leaning too much on you – she knows that no matter what happens you will be there for the grandchildren, and that has to be a HUGE relief for her … it leaves her free to have a life without guilt.
I hope you will continue to assert yourself with everyone. They know you are there, but when they tick you off, you're away for a while ... good time for them to reflect.
For a long time I also had a difficult relationship with my DD – she always thought I was against her, when in fact we were always picking up the pieces. She had a lot of medical problems, and when she had her child, depression, etc., and then began seizures, which have continued for the last 22 years. Rene and I were, like you, there during all the crises.
Things have changed dramatically, though, and now she knows that we were always only helping, so our relationship has changed.
For the first 4 years of our grandson’s life I was the third parent, and Rene and I were very close with him. At the beginning there was no question that I was needed, and I would spend 2 weeks at their apartment, go home for a week, cook ahead and spend time with Rene, then back again (200 mile difference). Rene was so patient and understanding. Other times Rene would drive down, pick me and the child up, and we would drive to our house and spend a few weeks there before returning. Rene was a very caring grandfather, and the child was totally comfortable with us. We had good times together.
When things progressed with Rene, it changed, as he needed me more and more. I can say that for the grandchild things changed, not for the better for him, so I understand your situation. Thankfully our grandson is a young man who is kind and thoughtful, and for that I am thankful. He and Rene had a special bond. Even as the disease progressed and he seemed to be able to connect with Rene.
Bottom line, Elizabeth … I understand how you feel, and hope that things work out for you. You're strong, and I'm sure it will!
If you finish that book, let us know …. we would love to read it.
"This sounds a little conceited, but I'm finding that a lot of the energy and strength I used to take care of Larry all those years is now being used to take care of myself"
That's exactly what I said on the journey somewhere else thread. Caring about ourselves is ingrained as selfish which we can't even say without meaning negative and that we've already got the experience if we could just use it.
Thanks, Margaret. Now DD has decided she would like to transfer and take an open position in northwestern PA. (She has a good federal job.) She is telling me how nice it is there, how cheap housing is, etc. etc. This would be contingent on me also selling up and moving there to help out. Needless to say, I am just pleasantly but flatly refusing. Good Lord.
Whoever gave me that mantra: "I'm just not up to it." (Was it you, Margaret? Or Mary75? Sorry, I need more coffee.) Anyway, that is one of the most useful sentences I've ever heard in my life. I used it to get out of having all three grands five afternoons per week and mostly just now having the five-year-old--and now it is my catch-word for getting out of discussions about why we should both sell our houses and make this move. I smile pleasantly...no attitude or adversarialness..."Oh, I just couldn't do that. It would be too much for me. I'm planning to stay here...if you leave, I'll probably go back to NY. But if you want to sell up and move, you should do it. But I'm just not up to it." Hee-hee. Gets her off my back.
Yes, Wolf--we've talked a lot on these boards about how we feel guilty if we aren't constantly putting ourselves last. But boy, am I getting better at self-care and preservation. Larry would definitely approve. I wish I could find more people who cared about me and who constantly promoted me and my well-being the way he always did before he got sick. They must be out there somewhere.
It was Mary75. Seems like DD is truly understanding the importance of having Mom somewhere close! It's so great to see how strong your resolve has become in protecting your space. If you could see me, I'm smiling! Hee-hee is right! She'll also have new respect for you.
So far so good with the dog. He is a cute little thing--a bundle of energy--good thing we have the park just across the way. He and the kids are good together, too. He is little enough not to be threatening to them...and vice versa. He sleeps through the night...figured out his bed right away. House training is a work in progress, and of course we have to play "Get That Sock!" every five minutes. lol A knotted sock seems like the best toy...I looked for dog toys at the store, but was overwhelmed by the choices...and the expense. ($12.00...you can't be serious.) I'm glad I have a lot of time to work with him, because he needs it. I can see that I was wise not to get a dog all those years I was working. I just would not have had the time or energy, and the way they get under your feet, I really think Larry would have been tripping over it. He had a neuropathy in his lower legs--nothing to do with Alzheimers, and he was not diabetic, either--it was an inherited family thing. But his legs could get stiff, numb, and tingly, and a dog underfoot might have been a problem. He was always fine with other people's dogs or with visiting dogs...so I don't know. It might have been OK, but water under the bridge now. Also, we had to be able to just close the door and jump in the car at will to be able to help with other elderly relatives or to travel, of course. So we never had a dog as a married couple, although we both liked them and had had them before.
I can feel him smiling. It's odd...I'm not usually one of those woo-woo psychic people.
Went to bed last night all cosy and comfortable and almost immediately went into big anxiety attack of missing him, thinking about him, longing for the old days. Good Lord, does it ever stop? It probably lasted a couple hours--tossing, turning, restless--then somewhere along the line I fell asleep and slept well for the rest of the night. Feel a little bit hung over or something this morning...from the emotions, I mean. Coffee, a hot shower, and some fresh air with Bandit should help the feeling.
Things have been going pretty well. I think I am over the worst of it and then I will have a night like last night--extreme loneliness and this unsettled feeling, a "poor me" episode that I hate. It has passed this morning, but when I am in one of those it is paralyzing and am basically unable to function. Passed the 9 month mark and it is getting better but still not there yet. I just need to figure out who I am now as a single person and I am realizing it will take more time. Still finding it difficult to make decisions and figure out what it is that I want now that the caregiving is over.
Sounds very familiar, C02. It's like two steps forward and one step back. It is not at all linear. I'll be fine, and patting myself on the back that I've come through it all, and all of a sudden it's like I'm right back to square one of the misery. But I do have to say that those utterly miserable spells are fewer and farther between. He is almost always on my mind, though. It isn't necessarily sad or bad...a lot of times it is just a bittersweet, smile-and-tear, warm nostalgia. Hard to describe.
CO2 and Elizabeth I have not posted in awhile. It has been only 4 months since DH passed. I to feel as you do. Last night I also was going to bed and it hit hard again. I walk around the house and talk to him. Sometimes the loneliness is so bad. I have taken on painting my kitchen cabinets. Out in his garage with his tools, sanding, and painting. At first I had dreams of him after being in his garage. That has passed for now. I am trying to stay busy. It is funny, everyone who stayed away when DH was here, came during the first month and now are not around. My family come by, call and ask me to do things. His not at all. But that is a good thing. What they put me through for years and at the last. I am not trying to make decisions right now, big ones. I have put off selling the house and looking for a job. I am at the preschool again for a couple days a week. So only about 10 hours. That seems ok.
Since my DH passed my new friends, who are caregivers, have lost 4 more spouses. I have been to 2 of the service or visitations. I have one this weekend. I don't know if that is a good thing to keep going. But they need the support. We are going to have to change our group from "caring spouses". It's hard to meet with the ones who are still caring for their spouses. I have had to stop those meetings. I cannot relive all that pain.
So right now I am trying to breathe and not make decisions.
Jackiem29*, I was glad to her from you again. I too am not making any big decisions. I work from home but am finding it to be too isolating for me now. I would like to find something outside the house part time but don't know if that will happen given my age. I stopped going to the Alzheimer's support group even though I had friends there because the groups were depressing after he passed. I hated sitting there listening to stuff that I had been through. None of those people have ever called me since I left. Forging new relationships has been the most difficult thing. Most people have their own lives and when I have tried to set up something to do together we cannot seem to agree on a time or event. I exercise every day, do my little job, and interact with my kids. But given they are all boys I am not as close as I probably would be had I had girls. I am not complaining but it is just the way it is. I attended a 6-week support group before the holidays with hospice and it was great. They gave me a list of monthly meetings to attend but I just have not gone. I feel at some point one just has to suck it up and move on! I like your suggestion of just breathing and not make decisions. Good advice.
CO2 I too do not want to go to the support meetings. They hold them at a facility that is a memory care. It is in the dinning hall and I do not have to interact with residents, but I know where I am. I asked one of the wives who lost her husband if we could meet separate from the others sometimes and somewhere else. But she said I do not to tear apart the group. I told her I did not either, but needed to be away from the pain their and sadness they are still in it for awhile. Well, get email after their last meeting to add new people to our directory, and snide remarks from two of them about glad she could keep group together. So guess what I do not need hens and their attitudes. I am the youngest there. This ladY Already offended two others who will no longer come. They are my friends outside the group. We meet and we do not talk but minimal about caregiving and what spouses are going through. Going to do new directory and make it so they can add or change things and email with note not coming, and you can add or change things now. Oh well, sorry for my attitude. It was two days that I slipped back on the sofa.
I just read your post and even though Kevan is still around I have stopped going to the regular support groups. The ones that are still caring for their partners at home are not in the same place I am. I get to upset listening to what they are going through and I feel that I upset about them when they hear what my difficulties are. I am also concerned that they may look at what problems I have and this may cause I'm them to not look at placement even when they are near burnout. Catch 21 really. So I have just kept reading here. Now I have been told there is a new group just for those who have someone in care so I will try that. I don't think you need to be concerned about attitude, but I do think they need to be concerned about your needs and help you not be pecking old hens. That is cruel. It sounds like you have formed a nice group if friends on your own so just enjoy those you have. You sound like your moving forward quite well. I think your doing great and wish I had a few friends away from dementia.
I thought I posted to Jackie and C02 last night, but maybe I didn't "add the comment" or something. I was tired, and probably distracted by the pup. Just wanted to tell them that it's too bad we can't get together for a cup of coffee--we probably have a lot in common to talk about.
I have not joined any support groups, as I never found one that looked like it was a good fit. My situation was pretty unique--you all know that I was 25 years younger than Larry, and a nurse--I knew how to arrange for his care at home, and could provide most of it myself--but most people are not in this unusual position. This website has been my support group, and it has been helpful beyond words. (Sorry for saying that 5,000 times--but it's true.)
Elizabeth*, Yes getting together would be great. I live in the Cleveland, OH area for anyone near there. Also there is Face time or Skype. Today the temperature here is freezing and my back is killing me. Even tho we have had a mild winter, I will be glad to see February go. Thank God for this website is all I can say
I would love to get together. I live in Georgia. It was so nice when I got to meet Joan in DC. CO2 I am originally from OHio. But have lived on Georga since I was 12. All of my aunts and uncles, etc still live in Ohio. I to could not have made it without this board. I have not posted in awhile, but have read so much. Elizabeth, when you were talking of hanging pictures, I to was ,asking changes like that.
The last good moment and connection I had with Dianne was just the month before she went into the nursing home. I put on the David Bowie song We Could Be Heroes done live and she made that "oh I love this song" sound and danced a little out in the hall. Her movements were disjointed but it was clear she was in a happy place we both understood and had shared often. One more good moment, is how I think about it.
I'm collecting more memories and am polishing them up for good reasons. My heart is more open to the good memories and they are some of the best things in life - good memories. I have more of them than I readily keep handy and some exploration through some of the things we did and places we went and times we had, are helping to bring some more of them out.
Lots of people say lots of things and that's fine. I think rubber hits the road when we believe the things we say and in this case I'm more interested in celebrating what I value than I am in any sort of self affirmation. I do self affirmation which I consider a core healer. I've reminded myself so often of what I have and how strong I am and how I can see progress - that I'm sick to death of my own encouragement. But I'm from Missouri (well, my uncle was) and I have no interest in baubles and trinkets. Just the facts. Cheerleading is not my thing, though there's nothing wrong with it.
Well, not only the facts. In my opinion there are at least two types of belief. Factual belief I think is earned through the demonstration of facts to ourselves. Spiritual belief is different from that in my opinion. It's the assignment of facts from ourselves. It's our belief that creates the fact of it. We either choose those or were taught them and have never altered that.
You can alter deep beliefs quite readily. For example that someone close transformed into a shrew or a troll because of alzheimers. Those are quite extreme transformations that happen in a very short period of time. The troll is quite unaware of all this unless we tell them. They don't know what we believed about them before and they don't know what we believed about them after. It's your belief and the only place it exists is inside you.
A more poignant example of our ability to transform our beliefs is the many places along the road of caregiving where we did exactly that - and where we kept at something very hard smiting every obstacle and enemy in our path to keep transforming for something we believed. That's true. We transformed into virtually nothing but the task. I know I did.
It was just two months after that dance that I was telling Dianne how badly I felt putting her in there and in mid sentence she turned and wheelchaired herself down the hall into someone else's room. There was nobody home just then. That has burned a hole in me every since.
Today, a week before I enter year two, I connected those. My fear that she was still there and I shouldn't have given up and the certainty that she had no idea what I was saying when she wheeled off. I knew that, but until you come back into the room and rearrange - you haven't.
She was a delight and she was all mine. If I felt bad I would be the first to know but as I type this the sun is setting in the west, my cats are fed, I have macaroni and cheese in the oven, I have a good cup of coffee I just made, and I feel fine about it all. I don't have a new life yet and I'm figuring out what to do with all these days, but I sleep like a log, I like my house, life feels easy to navigate again, and I would have to pretend to feel sad even though I'm not happy either.
I loved her beyond words in the life we lived. I live two lives though it turns out, not one. And I'm steadily moving in because I do nothing but move my stuff in. Like the memories I'm taking and the one's I've yet to remember. For instance, did you know my sister knew Dianne before I did? Of course not but she did. When I reminded her of that she talked about her own memories of Dianne back then. Like I said. I'm celebrating my memories and they are growing just like everything else we tend. ....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYjBQKIOb-w
David Bowie, live, We Could Be Heroes, the exact clip I played that last day
"I will be king and you will be queen." This is a cute song for a couple.
Yeah, it is hard when you have such a nice moment, and then shortly thereafter they are totally out of it again. It just makes it so much worse--those flashes of being the real person, and then Alzheimers comes back again. I remember towards the end--maybe three months before he died-- just briefly snuggling on the couch and watching part of an old movie--for a while it was just like the old days. I thought even in late stage Alzheimers he might still like to do that--but it never happened again--he was just too restless and "out of it." Couldn't sit still...didn't really know who I was...such a pain. They're there, but they're not there. It just emphasized how alone the AD spouse really is.
Valentine's Day is coming up, but I don't really care. It was never really a significant day for us. We usually did cards and chocolate--more an excuse to eat candy than to be romantic. Ha-ha.
That's it exactly Elizabeth. Valentines day is when we 'met' - in the last year of high school we exchanged valentines and that was it. I would keep that choclate tradition alive. Choclate, without the added sugar, is full of anti-oxidants and other things good for the body including the stimulation of things like endorphenes. My choice is 70% cocoa pure dark chocolate.
I know taking a year to do absolutely nothing except what was necessary and instead trying to help myself get over AD stuff was good for me. I'm still too anxious when too much goes wrong too fast and I still sigh too much and am on the negative side of outlook too much - but the truly creepy worries and the shock of her passing and the avalanche of all the pent up stuff that released seem largely spent.
The hard part is still before me which is the big empty and that is going to be a big obstacle for me. Actually, that's going to be a massive obstacle. I can entertain myself in the day. I can invite myself to things or invite people but those are temp positions. They're good but I'm going to run out and it doesn't hit the center.
I meet new people and get involved in new things and open to that in order to hit that center and even though I have skills that can do that - I have no stomach for it because I don't believe any of it. People are fine honestly, it's me. This is the hardest part I think. Not the healing of ourselves from real stresses and traumas - but the reinvention of the positives. Not the positives of MGM movies but the positives that are necessary in the core of our own being. That's going to be tough for me because I just don't believe in anything on this whole topic yet.
btw - I'm glad to see some of you are talking about getting together. I think that's excellent.
Yes, maybe when the spring breezes start to blow some of us can meet. C02, Mim and I are probably an hour and a half or so away from you. The way I get to Cleveland is by the Ohio Turnpike. My step-dad is in North Ridgeville (next to Elyria) just off the turnpike. My mom is buried in Riverside cemetery on the near West side--where Pearl Rd. meets I-71. What general area are you in? Unless you're not comfortable saying.
Wolf, how far are you from Detroit and Windsor, Ontario? Or from Niagara Falls?
I previously entered the U.S showing my birth certificate and driver's license. Rene, because of his accent, was looked at a bit more closely, but they then did admit us. Don't know if things have changed recently. I live in London, Ontario.
I'm about an hour and a half from Niagara Falls and about three hours from Detroit. Right now I'm in a snow covered winterland watching the NBA celebrity game on TV. The all star game is being held in Toronto this year which is the first time outside the USA, and it's kind of fun. What a concept. Put the feet up and have some fun. It's a three day event and I plan to attend right here in the college dorm I live in with the unkempt hair and the three day growth and the feet up on the coffee table. The place is too clean for a dorm these days and is undergoing a transformation. I'm about to start lifting the carpet off in the big bedroom also known as my studio. The carpet at the moment is some weird avacado colour from the 1960's with wainscotting in a floral print at the bottom and some faded pinkish colour at the top. Even the cupboard doors were painted in that one colour. It astounds me I never noticed any of this for the years I've been here.
My cats have the winter to roll around on the worn carpet in here. Then I'm going to strip the wallpaper and paint everything. If wallpaper still exists I may replace the railing with real wood and do a single colour bottom with a cream top and trim the ceiling, cupboard, and windows in an off white. Once that's done I'll strip the rug in here and expose the hardwood underneath. That just leaves the hall where Dianne flooded that area badly several times. I'm going to eventually lift it a bit and try and peak. I also don't know whether the stairs are hardwood or are just unfinished wood.
My kitchen counter is a sparkly turquoise colour and it's tired because every ring seems to leave a mark now which is hard to get out. There is a string of things to do including how much money I should sink into this place which has a limited upside. It's amazing how much I never saw where I think it's honest enough to say that the house simply disappeared on us during those years where I also disappeared. These days I have strange thoughts like what do I want to do tomorrow? Days are becoming individual things again where they all blended together before.
I'm gradually moving out. I'm gradually moving into the dump. I've been throwing an extra garbage bag out for a while now with Dianne's clothes and shoes and toiletry things and I just seem to keep going. I've thrown out all the phone books and the twenty year old records and some of my old clothes and knick knacks I don't want and junk in boxes and then the boxes. I have two entire closets that are virtually empty. It's all stuff I won't be dealing with when I move. I'll deal with ideas like that when I do. Right now the important thing is to eventually be able to answer that question. What do I want to do tomorrow?
Good question Wolf. "What do I Want to do tomorrow?" Haven't thought much passed today. I did repaint my kitchen and bath cabinets. Sanded new hardware. Only thing did it in DH's garage. Had dreams of him from being around his things. I did get rid of clothes and things. Wolf when you said that the house disappeared. Mine too. Not just the house, but Everything.
DH always got valentines for our girls. It's hard for them. We really didn't do much for each other. I always said I like flowers just any old day not because of a certain day. I love wild flowers. He would do that. After he couldn't I would still buy some. He would ask where they came from. I would always tell him from you. He would smile. I miss him so much.
Our last dance was three years ago at daughters wedding. He had the best time. We loved to dance. That's where we meet. He was a great dancer. He loved all music. Knew the name of every one and who sang it. It became a joke between us. He would ask what the song title was and who sang it. I would always say you know I don't know.
"What am I going to do tomorrow?" Will seriously think about that.
Tomorrow would have been our 20th wedding anniversary. We were together long before then, but it took us a while to marry. Last year at his long term care facility he didn't know who I was. The facility had a lovely Valentine's Day party celebrating all the couples there. I was so foolish, I see that now. I thought it would be an annual thing with us, this is how we celebrate our anniversary now. It will be this way for at least two more years. I had no idea, although now I think that I should have known. Why did I think it would last longer? And why do I still go over these things in my mind. I still miss him so desperately and struggle at times to keep living. Looking for reasons to keep going, even though I have plenty and my brain knows that but my heart does not.
Tomorrow I will force myself to leave the house, even if it's just to drive to the beach for a while and not get out of the car. I have invites from friends as they know this will be a tough anniversary for me, but I can't bring myself to be with people. I will try not to think, go for a drive, play with my cat and watch The Walking Dead.
Over the holidays I drove cross country with one of my sisters and my cat. It was wonderful, so freeing, although of course I kept thinking how much Amir would have loved it. We had good trips together. I got through the holidays with numbness, for which I was grateful. I'm hoping for a bit of that numbness tomorrow.
Hugs, Joni. Hang in there. (((((( )))))) Your love for him makes it so hard, but it is that love that will get you through it...and gradually you will find that you are looking back with smiles along with the tears. And more smiles and fewer tears as the months go by.
Yes Joni, how dare we have normal expectations that most around us take for granted. How happy we must be in our lives to take those kinds of things for granted. Anniversaries are very hard for most people to go through. I met Dianne 47 years ago today. I know what you mean. Try to remember some of the good things as good things. It's not easy to not sprinkle our deep and earned saddness on everything and have memorials instead of memories
This morning I woke up from an internal conflict dream and I lay there looking at the picture of Dianne and I realized why I think my road is harder. I have to struggle through everything to try and come back to some real semlance of what I actually am as a person.
Little breakthroughs happen and one happened this morning. The conflict dream was about a couple we knew, where looking at Dianne's picture this morning I suddenly said out loud "we didn't even like them". And once I'd said that the whole conflict thing dropped away and I knew that the real truth was that Dianne and I didn't really want to spend time with this couple because we thought they were too strange. I'd forgotten that because I had glommed on my victimhood and my needs to anything breathing around me.
I don't mind admitting that I'm desperate. I've been dog paddling trying to stay afloat in a sea of misery for so long - I really am very tired. That's the one place I'm always allowed to feel sorry for myself. The fact that it's nobody's fault I'm in this life crushing experience doesn't change how exhausting it is to keep trying
Hang in there, Wolf. Just take it one day at a time. I'll throw you the knotted rope and we will pull you to shore. Then you can rest for a while while the group keeps watch over you. Hugs. (((((( ))))))
Hi, Everyone. No I have not moved to the great beyond! Just dealing with a lot of stuff like all of us are.
I have had to deal with the back injury a lot. My latest MRI shows traumatic arthritis and a disc bulge in the facet joint area where I sustained that fall it will be 5 years ago. In addition to PT, I added Deep Tissue Massage. Turned out all my muscles were severely tight..It was painful at the start but I go every two weeks and it is the best thing I have ever done for myself..I can tell when I need to go in..The gal I go to is a PT who moved to the area a couple of years ago..She is also a certified deep tisssue massage therapist and lymepedema therapist too!! So she really knows anatomy and physiology..I can't tell you how much that helps..
Quite apart from that I have had to deal with the house..I think I mentioned I replaced all the kitchen and laundry room lights, the foyer light and hall lights and painted the kitchen. Then last week the water heater and water softener decided to quit..so got that in..went tankless and I like it and gained a broom closet too!!;)
Got ready for the tax session as far as I can and now am putting all the files up as much as I can for now..
Even did the driveway and front yard with pavers a year ago.but the drought here is killing all the plants so the water is off. We have had rain and need more..
So where am I now? Kind of where Wolf is in the dealing with the stuff issues...I can't tell you the important papers DH put here and there so that has taken major time to sort out. But guess what? I found 300.00 bucks in one of his drawers!!! Bagel from heaven!!!
Buy now I have to start to face the closet..and for some of us that is the hardest part of making changes..Our hearts take longer to arrive at the junction where our heads are about such matters. A widow friend of mine said what she did, since she couldn't bring herself yet to get rid of her husbands clothes was to pack it up and put it in a box...cleared the closet and then took a breath and then was able to bring herself to sort it all out...keep a few things and donate the rest..Ive given several things away already but other things are pretty hard to let go. So that is what I am going to do..maybe not seeing it so often will help get the ball rolling a little faster. It just seems to me that all this stuff and hanging on to it just stops us from moving forward.
Losing our LO and closing that door is the heaviest and hardest of all doors to close. But if we don't, we stay stuck and can't really enjoy the life we do have and we do know our LO would not want us to waste a day.
Mimi*, although my husband is still home, at my sister's insistence, I started cleaning out his clothes (mostly suits, ties and shirts) from the closets last fall. As painful as it was to go through them and donate most of them (I kept a few in each size depending on what size he will be at the end), I know for me it was less painful than it would be after he's gone. As it was, I was crying and holding on to everything I donated but knowing he was still here helped me a lot emotionally. Sure we have a lot more to go through but hopefully it will get easier. I do think not seeing will make it a bit easier, but I know as I was sorting and donating, memories of significant occasions or just how good he looked in the suit/pants/clothes brought me to tears. Hard to let go of the good memories when we've lost so much already. Bless you as you embark on yet another journey.
The discussion about removing our loved one's clothing from the house made me think I want to share this. I read a book about decluttering that said before throwing things away, thank the items for their service. I thought that sounded really nuts, but it helped me so much when I donated much of my husband's clothing. It helped me to let his winter sweaters go. As I placed each sweater in the donation bag, I would hug it and say "Thank you for keeping my husband warm" and then I would cry and was able to let it go. Same with his many pairs of eyeglasses, I would thank them for allowing my husband to see and supporting him in his life. This may sound really strange, but it was the only way I was able to let some of his things go without feeling as though my heart was being torn out. Joni
Thank you so much for this. I also got the book on decluttering, and it allowed me to let go of a lot of my husband's things. I didn't think, though, of how it would affect others. A lady I am friendly with, and alone; she is 94 and her husband passed 9 months ago, and, like you, she is having a great deal of trouble even thinking of letting go of her husband's things. Everything has a memory.
Some things are a little easier to let go of, and I found a place where she could donate many of their books. The thought of letting go of her husband's clothing is harder for her. She asked what I would do, and I offered to help, where I can. I phoned a few places - one takes donations for people who are looking for jobs, and need good clothing - then I phoned one of the churches she and her husband attended, thinking along the same vein. I'm waiting for a call-back. If this works out, this will probably be a way for her to let go of some of her husband's things - knowing they will help others, and that it would please her husband. Especially thanking things that were helpful to him.
She is in good health, but her husband's sudden death has been very hard on her. She will need to slowly let go of many of their possessions, and is thinking of finding, first a Home where she will have a room with services, then as she needs more help, and gradually if she is totally disabled, that she can stay in that same Home, just graduate to the care that she needs.
Thanks again for bringing this up. I think it will really help her.
I hope things are beginning to get easier for you.
At 17 months out, I am finding that some things were easy to donate--his nice clothing went immediately to an agency that needed clothing for job-seekers. His patient gowns and sweatpants were easy to just throw in those clothing bins that are in parking lots all over the place. I saved his ratty old police department belt that he would always wear even though he had much nicer belts, and I saved and still wear his favorite hooded sweatshirt that he practically lived in for the last few months. His Knights of Columbus regalia went to my nephew, whose chapter could use it. I still have barely touched "his" nightstand drawer, and I think probably that will just remain a memory drawer for the foreseeable future. I love to open it up and smell his tobacco pouch. Just two days ago the sun was blinding on the snow, and I found a pair of his sunglasses in that drawer and wore them outside. (I don't have any.) So he is still taking care of me! I still have not tackled the "funeral home" drawer in my dresser. All the paperwork associated with the funeral is in there...all the cards I received from people...the obituary notice..the prayer cards....the calendars from 2014 where I kept track of those last days--when we put him into bed for the last time...when we started morphine...when he went comatose...when he received Last Rites. I'm having trouble with that drawer, but I guess it doesn't hurt to just leave it there for the foreseeable future. Taking down all the pictures, having the house painted, and then re-hanging far fewer pictures in new ways has been helpful. The house has a clean, fresh, pared-down feel that I find comforting. I'm finding that I still want things around that evoke happy memories--just not every single item. Especially that now I'll be staying here for probably 10 years or so, I am working on a "look" for the place that still feels like "home", but that is more reflective of "me" moving forward, and not so much a feeling of sadness, unhappy nostalgia, and looking backward. Hard to explain. I'm going for a cleaner, uncluttered look, but am not throwing out the baby with the bathwater so to speak.
That is why I've gone back to wearing my rings. You know what? I know perfectly well that he is gone and I am no longer married, but I find being a widow is a different thing from being "single". I like to wear my rings...they have happy associations...look very nice on my hand...and I feel that I'm memorializing a happy marriage. If I meet some cool dude and fall madly in love, I'm sure I would probably take them off at that time...but again...I'm creating my own new life for "me", and "I" like to wear my rings. My grandmother wore her wedding band until the day she died, and my mother wore her rings until the day my step-dad bought her new ones just before their wedding. I don't necessarily think everything has to be discarded, donated, or put away. It is nice to keep and use selected items from the old life.
Joni, I think you suggestion about thanking your husband's clothing for their service is positively inspired. The author (Marie Kondo) of the book you read is Japanese and when I read a review of the book, I learned that the concept of anthropomorphism (attributing human characteristics to an animal or an inanimate object) is deeply embedded in Japanese culture. In spite of learning that, I still thought the idea of thanking clothing for its service was strange. But now that you have put it in a different context, it makes perfect sense. Your idea is a wonderful way to help us psychologically let go of our spouses' possessions.
Today is the eighteen-month point for me. I have been thinking about it for the past few days, especially that his birthday is right around the corner, too. (He would have been 91 on the seventh.) The Alzheimers journey seems less and less important...or maybe I should say less prominent in my thoughts and feelings. What I think of with a warm glow is the twenty years we did have together--not all rosy and perfect, but made happy and satisfying by the special relationship we had within whatever else was going on around us. Thinking back over my life, I've only had that special connection with two people--one was my maternal grandmother, and the other was Larry. I don't know whether I'll ever have it again with anyone--that almost "ESP" meeting of the minds--but I probably was lucky to have had it at all, much less twice.
Larry and my step-dad/uncle were/are the same age within three weeks, and I can't help thinking that things would have been very different if Larry's final years had been more like Uncle George's...a host of physical problems that could be dealt with, but no mental deterioration. Uncle George just turned 91 on Feb. 18, and still lives in his own home with a certain amount of involvement of family and neighbors...oh, how I had hoped Larry's final years would be like that. But it was not to be, and Al Z. Heimer showed up and did a number on us.
But we stuck together, and got through it together. I still feel a bittersweet satisfaction that he died at home with me with my arms around him. You can say the age difference was ridiculous (like Celine Dion or Melania Trump), and you can say that I married a police pension and he married a nurse--true, but not what it was all about--but nobody can say we were not tight, because we totally were. I'm not saying it made any sense...it was just sort of a phenomenon of nature...but that relationship and life together had a lot to do with who I am now, and is providing me with my springboard into the future...so...
Going forward, I am feeling happy and satisfied with my decision to stay in my little house by the woods in this very low cost-of-living area. This is a home place for me, and I have come to terms with the fact that I'm right back where I started--the round-headed, freckle-faced girl out in the sticks, walking in the woods, baking biscuits for supper, and sleeping under the home-made patchwork quilt. Sigh....booooring. But Manhattan has become a home place for me, too, and the mid-Hudson valley--the big river, the Catskills, all the little country villages so like the Western Reserve area here. I am not going to have to forego either one--I can and will go back and forth. When I'm cruising down 5th Ave. way uptown in Harlem, I feel just as much at "home" as when I'm heading up for the Turnpike and 80-West headed for Cleveland. Like that old Wrigley's gum commercial: "Double your pleasure, double your fun." Two good places, not just one.
An ongoing issue will be to keep DD in her place, and not become her servant, and to set boundaries for the wild grandchildren. Grandma's house, grandma's rules. And to help out appropriately without sacrificing my own life. I'm going to save hard to be able to afford a nice "senior ghetto" when I start to feel like I can't keep my boundaries up any longer. I'll have to be canny and careful not to be exploited by DD, who (I can only say this here) is not my favorite person in the whole world.
So thanks and hugs all around to Joan and all my forum friends who have saved my life. I love you all--it's odd how you can care so much about people you've never met. I don't believe in computer relationships, but this group is the exception that proves the rule.
That sounds great Elizabeth. Living a completely different life up here, I nevertheless share exactly your tone.
Your choice of who you love is nobody's business and if you loved and it was great overall then that's as good as it gets for any of us. Larry was lucky to have you and all I have to do is read to know for sure you feel lucky to have him. I'm sorry that life does what it does and I greatly respect the warrior who stands up and accounts for themselves and their lives. Now on we go.
Think of your DD as a game. The game is called balance. It takes patience to teach this game to trolls - but it's something to do while we figure other things out in our time. You sound good for where we are.
I agree with Wolf about it being no one’s business whom you choose to love. All it takes is an unkind person (or maybe just a narrow-minded one) to think up unflattering reasons why two people might be attracted to teach other. You and Larry chose each other and that’s all that need be said.
Thanks, Wolf and Myrtle. I think right in the beginning people might have seen us as Daddy Warbucks and Little Barbie Bimbo, but I didn't give it much thought, and if that was anybody's perception, I think it faded away pretty quickly. We were about the most Normal Neighborhood Couple that it was possible to be...just with a big age difference. Financially we had a rough equality--neither was the poor relation to the other--money was never an issue one way or the other.
Myrtle, I think some grandparents babysit and some don't. I think it's a separate issue from what kind of relationship the grandparent has with the child/children. Both my grandmothers pitched in from time to time, although it was not "expected" per se. And my brothers and I had good relationships with both grandmothers just as people...nothing to do with whether they were tending us or not.
Larry's mother-in-law "Dolly" (mother of his first wife who was killed in the car accident) had a very good relationship with Larry Jr. --her only grandchild. But she never, I am told, babysat for him. When Larry's wife Carol was coming up on her due date, her mother and father actually left town for a vacation. Dolly saw herself as a glamorous diva (and she was quite stunning, even in her eighties) who just did not take care of kids. But she was a good "Nanna" to all accounts--she and f-i-l were very involved in a non-babysitting sort of way, went on family outings together, showed up for all holidays and occasions--a good family life apparently--just no childcare. At all. Period.
I agree that most of the old respect for and impeccable manners toward older family members is gone. I still remember my first marriage's father-in-law (in his sixties) always calling his mother (in her nineties by that time) "Ma'am." Very, very nice, southern old-fashioned good manners. She would say, "James." and he would answer, "Ma'am?" and then the conversation would proceed.
Elizabeth, I completely agree with Wolf and Myrtle - we love who we love and age really is just a number. You and Larry were so lucky to have your loving relationship for as long as you did. My father was 23 years older than my mother - she married him at 26 and he was a widower at 49......they were happily married for 20 years before he died of a heart attack at 69. As a relatively young widow in her 40's, my mother lived contentedly for over 40 years and never had another relationship. She didn't complain but lived her simple life and was happy. Mind you, I guess her strong religious faith played a part in that. I feel we have to take love where we find it and if we are fortunate enough to have it again after the AZ journey, as some on here have, that is wonderful; if not, that is fine as well - I'm always comforted by the example of my mother.
nbgirl, You have provided the perfect explanation. "We have to take love where we find it." I found it, quite unexpectedly, with a man 19 years older than I was. Although we had very different backgrounds, we had exactly the same values and many of the same interests. So what was I supposed to do when faced with such love? Say, "No thank you, I think I'll take a pass on love because someone might criticize the difference in our ages"? (Not a chance.)
My wife was one year younger and skipped a year so I married someone in my grade after our first year at university. Then we went back to school. The reason we got married is because her father was a neanderthal who knew we were engaged but wouldn't let her out after 11 pm. His other daughter had already left home and was living in San Francisco because that was the farthest she could move away from him. He screamed at Dianne that all Germans beat their wives where he was off the boat from Manchester himself and never once thought of himself as English.
He eventually acknowledged that I was a pretty good son-in-law. So I beat him.
Just kidding. We don't need age difference as the source of the prejudice and ignorance we experience on a rock littered with trolls and other assorted slugs.
We get out of this in part by realizing we have been the victim of a serious disease and life experience and one of the first things we should be pushing off our moving train is the victimhood that simply is the truth of one serious aspect of what we endured. Learning that and proving it to myself by catching how I think about things (there are about five people in here) - has been a godsend in having a peek at another truth which is that I deserve to have a really good time. And if I can just get these barnacles pried off the boat, I'll be searching for some of them there good times.
What could make me laugh? What could make me smile? And while I sit wistfully another voice inside points out "no, see, you're supposed to answer that". Oh, right.
I guess we all agree that age is just a number, and doesn't matter unless you're a bottle of wine, or a cheese. lol As a public health nurse going into zillions of homes, it always struck me that attitude has so much to do with a person's happiness, no matter what their age, health status or level of finances. I can think of several examples, but our own George illustrates my point perfectly. He is an inspiration, and certainly gives us something to emulate.
I had a challenge with DD last night, when she asked me to start coming over at 7am every Monday, as she will probably have to start work at 8 instead of 8:30 on Mondays, and wants me to wake up the 5-year-old, help him with the morning routine, and drive him to preschool...all so he does not have to get up a half hour earlier with the 6 and 8-year-old siblings in time to allow DD to get him ready and drive him to preschool herself. I don't think the request is reasonable...she should be booting him out of bed and doing this herself...preschool is 5 minutes away, work is 12 minutes away, and 8am is hardly an early start time. She indicates the kids do not always get to bed on time, and are sometimes tired in the morning. Well, boo-hoo. And this is my problem...why? If there would be a 2-hour snow delay, or if one of the kids is sick, that is different. But in this instance, DD is just trying for convenience. Tough beans. May I point out that when I had little kids and especially when I rotated all three shifts (7-3, 3-11, 11-7), and my first husband was deployed or away on temporary duties, I handled it. And so did my little daughters. I can remember taking them to babysitters in their pajamas to sleep all night on trundle beds and cots because I had to work mids. Hey, we all survived. And I had no relatives nearby to help with anything, ever.
Wolf, I think age discrepancy is a little different. For one thing, criticisms of May-December relationships are often legitimate, and not simply based on bigotry (as was your father-in-law's objection). As one of my friends said of her widowed mother's remarriage to a much older man, "I thought it would make him young but it only made her old." To be honest, I have to admit that I probably would not be in the pickle that I'm in now if my husband were nearer my age. Another factor is the youth-centered culture we live in - even members of this site have expressed distaste at consorting with a person 20 years their senior. I just never felt that distaste - from the very beginning, I saw the person inside.
Elizabeth, It's so hard to see you being taken for granted like this. It sounds like you have become an integral part of the child-care team and that your life is secondary to their needs. Where the hell (sorry Charlotte!) is the father of these kids?
P.S. Elizabeth, I just saw that Wolf and I were on here at the same time (Hi, Wolf!). I like his numbered list of your three choices. It occurred to me that your daughter is using you the same way so many of us have used home health aides. Why can't your daughter hire someone to provide after-school babysitting and meal preparation and leave you out of the picture except for social visits? Didn't you say both she and her ex-husband have good jobs? I hope they are not using you to save money for themselves.
My best friend can never tell when he's breaking mutuality. My sister can't either. They're aggressive in their certainty that anything they need is very important and should be how everyone is thinking. When you point out you have no wish to do the things they've explained are required of you now - they get upset.
Some people think of that as controlling. I think of it as self interest. When they look at whatever it is, they can't see other people's concerns as much because they're solving problems.
If your daughter did not say to you something that sounds like "I know this is asking a lot", then she thinks like that. They don't mean anything. Nobody ever means anything; but, you will end up having your life arranged - and rearranged - to what suits her best at the time.
They aren't aware they do that even when you told them because that is one of the fundamentals of their nature. It's who they are and how they think. Complaining about people being what they are is a waste of time.
When I'm in conflict, my thoughts sound exactly like what you wrote. I spent much of my working career in the middle of change and conflict. I've learned things about it including that I can usually win by pushing you out of your comfort zone. Normal people hate conflict and this is conflict.
You won't win by engaging reasonably in the conflict because you and your daughter do not see the world the same way. You won't win by avoiding the conflict. You will win by keeping conflict resolution in mind and understanding what you really want.
If you stay in Ohio this is going to keep coming up so this may be a good time to start learning how to manage conflict - resolution.
Do you want to do this every day now? No. Is it reasonable that you can decline this? Yes.
Do you want to go to war? No. Is it inevitable that you have to stand your ground somewhere and learn how to be ok with that? Without a doubt.
....
This is too much for me. I can't do it.
....
You have three choices:
1. Do what she wants the rest of your life 2. Move to get away from her. 3. Set and defend your limits.
Finally, I'm sorry that you're not getting much of the support you, yourself need. Try and understand your daughter is not trying to hurt you. She is like this and that's all there is to that. Stand your ground or be managed.
This IS too much to ask and it IS too much for you. Saying you can't do it and can already feel the strain and that you're getting older are all solid ground. Saying what she should do or that you need a life or that she should be getting up early to help you (ha!) will all lead to more conflict.
Learn this arena Elizabeth. Learn to draw your lines. And then the hard part. Learn that this is part of life around your daughter; but, that's just the way it is. Conflict will come up.
Finally, my idea of brass tacks here. If you are sick inside from the conflict then you may have to consider that these sorts of things are likely to come up again and moving away is the only solution then.
If I stand my ground with my friend or my sister, they will be irritated about that for some time. Then their very important concerns will move on. The little darlings.