Mimi, If you don't want to go, that's reason enough for not going. And you have a bunch of other very good reasons, too. So don't go. Send your regrets and a gift and if anyone challenges you, just say, "I'm not up to it." Period. .
What's with all the folks urging you to do something you clearly don't want to do? I can't understand how can people be so sure of what others should do, but we see this all the time. I wonder what they would say if the exertions of the trip caused additional injuries to your back or your knee. "I told her not to go," maybe?
Don't know what's the matter with me...can't seem to get in gear. On Sept. 2 it will be a year without him, and I seem to be getting anxious and panicky as the date approaches. Don't know why it's so much more significant than Sept. 1 or Sept. 3, but it sure is throwing me for a loop. I think I've brainwashed myself into thinking that...OK, I've had my year to be a miserable nut job...now the year is up, and it's time for me to get a grip and put my life back together in a meaningful way. It used to be OK to spend the day in leggings and Uggs watching Netflix, because I was grieving. But after a year...nope...none of that sitting around is allowed anymore. Put on an outfit, put on some eye shadow, and go do something productive. Every day. No more free lunch because you're grieving and allowances have to be made for yourself because you're whacked out. Get with the program. Hup, hup.
Good Lord, why am I doing this to myself? I wouldn't dream of laying these expectations onto anyone else.
Certain times of the year can pack an additional punch. Of course this depends on our spirituality, family dynamics, where we live, etc. For me the beginning of September is the beginning of fall. It can be considered a time of new beginnings, new energy, new fashion. You're a New Yorker; many of the locations you have mentioned I know well. There's the vibrancy of the city, the sheer beauty of the Hudson River Valley. What a dichotomy to have your first year anniversary of Larry's death at such a time.
You've mentioned areas in which you have made progress. Travel, increasing fluency in French, regular walks. So, the program is generally going well. You don't know what the first anniversary will be like so let it be what it will be. Everyone needs some time off.
I just happened to notice on the calendar (while looking for an open date for lunch with a favorite niece) that next Monday will be the sixth anniversary of losing my precious Frances -- but otherwise the day might have passed unnoticed -- I have so much other stuff going on in my life now. Having noticed it, however, niece Julie and my son Bill will join new wife Joyce and me for lunch at the Olive Garden and I'm sure we'll all share some memories of happier times before AD entered the picture.
That's four days from now, so looking back to what was going on six years ago today, well Frances would have taken her last sip of liquid along about yesterday and, as hard as it was for me, I had accepted that the end was at hand and had stopped pushing her to drink.
I just went out to feed our herd of six deer who show up at this time every afternoon, and can't help thinking how much Frances would have enjoyed them -- she loved nature stuff.
Thanks, everyone. Tomorrow will be the anniversary of the first day I started giving him the morphine with the oral syringe. And you've got me beat, Gourdchipper. I just came in from the woods, and I only saw two deer. (But one had antlers!)
It was a year ago today that he had Last Rites. The Hospice chaplain was here and called the priest, because I was too discombobulated to do it. Two clergymen in the house on the same day--boy, you know we were in trouble! Now I feel like I'm on a countdown to Sept. 2. Still pressuring myself to get my act together and start being more "normal." i.e. not defining myself by bereavement. I had enough airline miles on a rewards credit card to get myself over to Dublin for $50.40. So I booked the flights, and booked myself into a three-bunk woman's-only room at a hostel for 11 nights. Extreme frugality. I'm going Oct. 22 and returning Nov. 3. I've only been out to the middle of nowhere in Ireland before, careening around in a rental car, dodging sheep and tractors in the rain. So this will be different. I've already booked a ticket online to the Abbey Theater for a play. And I'm looking forward to the sightseeing...not sure about the pubs...I know it's OK for solo woman travelers to go, and you can just have tea, coffee, or food. (I'm not a beer drinker much.) We shall see. I would go for the music, unless it just felt too weird.
I've given one of the bedroom sets--the nice one that Larry and I bought together in 1997--to my daughter, and she's having the movers pick it up on Monday and take it around the corner to her house. It is very good quality furniture and she'll make good use out of it. I would have donated it to charity if she had not wanted it. Every thing in this blankety-blank house reminds me of him. Everything.
The other bedroom set is very nice, too...it's not like I'm depriving myself, and just for myself alone I prefer the one I'm keeping. It has its memories, but they're not quite so evocative as with the other one. Guests, if any, can use the sleeper sofa in the den. I'm going to leave the second bedroom empty for the time being, and use it as a workroom as I go through things once and for all...what to donate, what to store, what to discard, etc. I want to be ready to move in the spring...unless anything life-altering occurs (hey, you never know), I want to go back to NY, and don't want to haul junk and pay a fortune in moving costs. I'm going to have to make a decision whether to rent or buy...or maybe rent for a year just to get back into the swing of things up there, and not be pressured to buy any old house just to have a place to live. It would be easier to fix up a house...painting etc....if I were nearby in an apartment. Real estate deals take a good deal of time in NY, and I'd need a place to stay in the meantime. (At least six weeks from accepted purchase offer til closing--and that's a best-case scenario.)
And in case Gourdchipper sees this: Five deer in the park last night. One buck, two does, two spotted fawns. So pretty.
Don't know if anybody's interested, but I came across a website called www.dailystrength.org
It is a website made up of online support groups, and there was one for Widows/widowers. There was also one for Alzheimers, and just about anything else under the sun. It might be worth a look.
elizabeth, Three days ago you wrote, "Don't know what's the matter with me...can't seem to get in gear." Then the next day you reported that you had booked a $50.00 flight to Dublin, a bed in a hostel and a ticket to a play at the Abbey Theatre. You had also gotten rid of a bedroom set and turned the space into a workroom for sorting out stuff you want to get rid of. It sounds to me like you have gotten in gear!
I hope that Wednesday will not be too hard for you. Will you be remembering Larry in a religious ceremony?
Thanks, Myrtle, for the kind words. I lit a candle for him in church on Sunday the 30th, and on Wednesday will have a day of quiet reflection. (At least, as much as I can.)
The movers took the bedroom set over to my daughter's this afternoon. It looks quite at home there, all set up with the quilt, lamp, alarm clock, etc. They will get plenty of use out of it, and I feel good that it went to a good home.
I ordered my "Dublin Pass" yesterday. Lots of the most popular tourist spots at a reduced price. The Guinness Factory opens at 10am for tours, and you get a free pint of Guinness. Wahoo!! (Too bad I hate Guinness. Guess it will have to be the museums. Oh well.)
I don't know. He liked me to make the most of myself...was genuinely happy when I retired from the county job in 2008 and walked into a higher level position with a private agency three days later. And when I finished the Masters in 2009 he was so proud of me. He liked me to dress well and look nice, so I think I will do my nails on Wednesday. I have not had polish on for two and a half years.
Thanks, Myrtle. I feel sure that I will. It does often feel like he is with me and watching over me...a good feeling. And Mim and I are going to get together for coffee again soon, so that will be nice, too.
In other news, DD and s-i-l finalized their divorce today. I am just sick for the kids more than anything (8, 6, 4), but also for the loss of what Larry and I had expected to be a lifelong, mutually supportive family life. I just can't worry and fret about it anymore...they are adults--supposedly. I'm going to throw my hands up in the air, and go tune my harp.
I don't know, Mim--we might need something stronger than coffee.
Don't know if anyone else is struggling with this. I am 4 months out from husbands passing. I am functioning pretty well. I have a large family --5 sons--all are married except one with small children. I love them dearly. For the most part they only call when they really need something. It is not that often and I usually say yes. I feel tho that I am being used. I know I can say no and I do but I guess I do not want my whole life to revolve around my family, what is going on with the family, who is sick etc. I am reading some books on grief and they point out that when a family member passes it affects the dynamics of the family. Before he passed I felt it was all about the family. Now that he is gone my world has shifted and not quite sure how yet but finding a balance between family and getting a life has not been easy.
CO2, by saying you guess you do not want your whole life to revolve around your family and then saying before he passed you felt it was all about the family - it sounds like you're saying you understand that it's you that is doing most of the 'dynamics of the family' changing.
I would give one piece of advise. Don't initiate changes in your family relationships unless you're sure. When we're in deep transitions I would try keep on keeping on for a while. You have control anyway in the end. The reason is because so much has been taken away and part of the deep things we deal with is how much is taken away and how much is changed. There's always time next year to make changes you decide. Six months from now you're going to feel somewhat differently in all likelihood.
The first year is massive in change and the main player in that is not grieving. When we stare at the changes ahead and feel our reactions that's not grieving - it's just being awake. When we start realizing how much Alzheimer's changed us that's not grieving either. Most grieving people don't have to deal with that.
One thing that's not commonly discussed is that we start with our scales way in the red zone. For quite some time the actual fact that we're getting better in different ways gets disregarded because we still feel so badly overall. I don't know why people think our alzheimer's experience ends with a funeral. I had depression and anxiety and PTSD and Stockholm Syndrome and prolonged stress and personality disorder (you pushed everything about you you deeply needed away for years to keep going what is there to think about?). I didn't have them all at once in extremes but when you have multiple recognizable prolonged stresses none of them need to be as strong as a single malady.
Think of yourself as a soldier who's finally done after a long and extremely horrific war. Remember they call when they really do need something and it's not too often. And focus in on the fact that every single bit of pleasure, happiness, comfort, relaxation, comaraderie, entertainment, opinion, smile, amusement, distraction, triumph (however small), is the real you getting somewhere.
I'm never going to 'find' a life. I'm building the one custom tailored for the one I love. And not day by day, but month by month, everything around me is changing. I still feel like beatup Wolf with a side order of grief, but I'm not as anxious, it's not as weird, I'm not as sad, I'm getting some things done, I feel a lot more like myself, and I don't see anything around that doesn't look comparatively easy compared to the seven levels of abuse we've all been through (not you Dianne, the disease).
If you're a masochist, you probably want to be whipping yourself daily and treating yourself badly instead. I'm not. The sooner I'm not thinking about any of this much anymore, the sooner I start the 38 minutes or whatever I have of this shiny new life.
I'm a cynic. I'm not a non-believer. I have faith that my beliefs and my willingness will take me places and I'm willing to do the hard things to succeed. Which in this case means nothing more than putting my feet up at the beachouse and having a look around at how something it is to be this new thing in this new place. We are you know.
The more my own garden is growing, bearing a little fruit, showing some promise, and feeling more secure - the less concerned I am with the flying wingnuts my friends and family are or what they're doing now. (I'm not implying anything about your family. I happen to have a family of mostly gargoyles, trolls, and spongebob squarpantses)
Wolfe, thanks for your insights. Not sure what squarpantses are but it sure sounds interesting. I am not planning to make any changes--I would not even begin to know how at this point anyway. I agree that I am in deep transition now and that building a life for oneself seems monumental and will take time. I think the life I am looking for is not "out there" but rather one that will come from within little by little. I try to focus on the blessings in my life. Just the fact that I even survived the whole experience is a wonder to me. So many people on this website and people in my support groups have dealt with it for many more years than I did. But the truth be told is that it is not easy being the one left behind. The whole thing about transition is that it feels so unsettling to me. I hope you are right that in 6 months I will feel differently.
Spongebob Squarepants is a popular cartoon character. Great fun, along with his cohorts Squidward, Patrick the starfish, the evil Plankton, Gary the pet snail, Susie Squirrel, etc.
"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob Squarepants!! Absorbent and yellow and porous is he. Spongebob Squarepants!!"
See, elizabeth*, all of that babysitting is making you culturally literate! Now here is the question: has that song ever become a "worm" or a "hook" (I think those are the terms) in your brain, where you can't shut it off for the life and sanity of you?
Yes, indeed, and here is the solution: Before going to bed, watch some music videos on Youtube. Whatever you listen to last will stay in your ear...so listen to something nice...and when you wake up in the morning, you will still have a little bit of the nice song floating around in your brain.
Just another tool in the toolkit for us survivors.
CO2, Since your sons only call you when they need something, I understand why you feel that they are using you. (In my book, they are the ones who should be calling you to offer help.) Maybe you should let them know what kind a relationship you would like. Since men seem to respond better to action than to conversation, you could show them what you want. For example, you could call occasionally call them and ask for help with some small thing, like replacing the smoke alarm or getting something out of the attic. Or call after work some evening and say you are in the neighborhood and would like to stop by. Or ask for advice about your car. Or call one of your daughters-in-law and ask her for information or advice about something she would know about. And when a son calls to ask for a favor, do not agree to it automatically. Ask questions about the request and show that you are considering it carefully. In other words, emphasize by your own behavior that you are not to be taken for granted. And if you don’t want to do the favor or if it would cause a hardship for you, deny it. If all these efforts come to nothing, and you still feel your sons are using you, then you have your answer.
OK it's all over, and I got through it. Around 2:36 I went into the bedroom and just sat on one of the side chairs, near where the hospital bed was last year. It was too hot to put it on, but I did have his favorite hooded sweatshirt--the one he wore almost continuously for the final couple of months--on the back of the chair. There is a 40% chance of rain, and it was kind of overcast outside--which made the room slightly dim, as it was last year. So I just closed my eyes and sat there for a half-hour, just thinking about him and kind of meditating on our relationship and our life together. The room seemed to be a little tingly with some kind of energy, but I couldn't really say it was a psychic experience or anything like that. At three o'clock (the time he died last year) the sun suddenly came out and the room filled with light. And I knew everything was OK. I just had a good feeling. A few tears, but good tears.
Now I'm taking some deep breaths and heading off to the grocery to find something to feed the troops for supper. I am soooooooo glad that the first year is over.
Good for you Elizabeth. I am so happy the day is over for you too and you had peace. Thanks to you Myrtle for your suggestions. If I need something done, they will be here for me. But usually it is just one son, who lives the closest. Yes I had been caring for my husband for basically 12 years which included a host of medical problems and then the diagnosis in 2008. I totally agree with you that his lengthy illness did affect the family as he was no longer able to interact with his sons in the same way that he had before. My youngest son called last night and invited me to a play in the fall and I am having his family over for dinner this month. This is a step for me as I have not felt like cooking for anyone since his passing. One step at a time. Thanks again for you suggestions.
On Thursday evening after supper and dishes, I quickly combed my hair, put on a clean outfit, and went to the singles group meeting. I felt more comfortable than the first two times I went over the past year--just wasn't ready before, I guess. I did mention to folks that Larry had died a year ago, but tried not to mention his name in every sentence. And I just felt more like "me" and not so much like this horrible leftover creature with half their essence ripped away...ready to burst into tears at any moment. So it was kind of fun. It was what they call "small talk" night. Each table was given a blank sheet of paper and we were told to write down things we would say if we were stopped by a policeman. So of course, there were all kinds of crazy, humorous answers given, and of course there was a good deal of chatting as we discussed what to write on our papers...and talked about who we were, what we did, where we lived, etc. etc. It was kind of fun...silly...but fun. Definitely an older crowd....I would guess from early 50's to quite elderly...a good fit for me, as I'll be 66 on Sept. 27. I guess my two immediate goals are going to be to work on my "look"--(I like dark colors, but too many of my clothes are black and gray), and to practice my chit-chat social skills. It is hard to think of anything to say that doesn't relate to misery and caregiving. I need to let people know that Larry died, of course...touch lightly on that whole bit...and then get on with a more interesting conversation...focused on the other person or people and finding out more about them. And maybe talking about interests and activities...not just illness and death.
I do think, in all seriousness, that I need to give Ohio and the local area a fair shake before I move back to NY. I don't think I want to stay here, but there's no question it would be far more economical. (That's why so many retirees leave NY--my friends in S. Carolina pay one-eighth the taxes they paid in NY. Mine are about one-fourth of what I paid in NY.) I feel like I'm doing OK financially, but there's no question that going from two incomes to one means I have to be careful. I probably gave my family too much too soon...but oh well. Water under the bridge now. And speaking of family...with DD and s-i-l divorced now, it is just about impossible not to keep getting sucked into being the "default" person to watch the kids when DD has to go to evening meetings at school or whatever. I believe in family helping family...but the helping, in our case, is all going one way. (A big reason I want to go back to NY, as I've posted a time or two on this forum.)
Sort of like what Joan is doing, I'm trying hard to re-vamp my home into something more reflective of "me" and not "us." It is surprisingly hard to do. But I have a yen for a more streamlined, calm and uncluttered space, with perhaps less in it, but with every object combining beauty, function, and meaning. I don't mean that I'm throwing out everything that reminds me of the past...just sorting and editing...and the house really isn't bad to begin with. Stay tuned...I'll post once in a while on how I'm doing with this.
I love reading your posts - they are so warm and friendly. You certainly have a wonderful way with words, Glad you enjoyed yourself at the singles gathering - you deserve it.
Elizabeth, I know I don't belong to this group yet but I also really enjoy your posts. I'm very happy that you had a good time at the singles' gathering. I hope it continues to bring you enjoyment and fun.
Your sentence "I just felt more like "me" and not so much like this horrible leftover creature with half their essence ripped away...ready to burst into tears at any moment" really hit the nail on the head for me. I'm going to a family wedding this coming weekend and was explaining to my sister that I'm dreading it because I just don't have the capacity to deal with others anymore. She didn't understand what I was trying to convey but I just might quote you tomorrow.
Fiona68, I truly hope you can attend the wedding and have an experience of happiness. I do understand what you mean when you say you do not have the capacity to deal with others. No one really gets it either while you are in the midst of caregiving and also after they pass. I had to learn not to take it personal. I desperately wanted people to get it especially in my family but it never happened. The capacity to deal with others does return. It is returning to me but in stop and start fashion. Sometimes I can and sometimes I cannot but overall it is getting better. It will for you too. Elizabeth I get it when you say you are becoming the default person to watch the grandchildren. I live in Ohio and the cost of living in the East is out of reach for me. My family is here but I have not ruled out moving or purchasing a small house. While I love my grandchildren and want to spend time with them, I also desperately want a life of my own. I am just struggling to find a balance between being there for my kids and having a life of my own. Since I have sons the go to person is daughter in law's mother. I am the backup. This business of transforming oneself is no easy task. I have the house pretty much the way I want it as I worked on this when I placed him--bought new furniture with spend down money etc. I am working on dropping some weight as I had started a lot,of emotional eating during the ordeal. That feels good. For so long I have not cared how I look so,it feels good to be working on improvement and actually have the desire to do something. My best to you both. One day at a time.......
Tonight is the evening of Rosh Hashanah for those who celebrate. My family knows how much it means to me to be together. We find comfort in keeping our old traditions even though Bill no longer sits at our table. He has gone ahead of us and we will meet again sometime.
CO2*, I think you are amazing to already be able to have your head in the right place to even think about dropping weight. It took me a year. Finally, in July, after I got home from a cruise with my daughters, I finally felt my life was in balance. I started a weight loss challenge at Curves, and decided to get off the antidepressant I had been on for 5 years. So far I've shed 15 pounds, am walking 2.5 miles 3 or 4 days a week and doing some yard work that I've neglected for 3 years. Up to now I didn't even have any desire to do it.
Yes, Shanah Tovah to bluedaze* and all others who celebrate Rosh Hashanah.
This evening I finally cleared the "shrine" that is my bedroom. All the pictures except one are put away, and the nice painting of the Bay of Naples by his cousin that was a special wedding present to us...off the wall. His police photo and the framed book cover featuring him as the detective on the book cover...off the wall. The multiple photos of the old days in East Harlem, and World War II, and so many of the two of us together, and all the Mass cards...off the dresser. The special Christmas ornament and the mug from the kids that says "World's Greatest Grandpa"...into a box. I just left the veteran's flag on the dresser, and the large framed portrait of him that was used with his obituary. His Bible and rosary are still on "his" nightstand, and "his" nightstand drawers still hold his wallet, tobacco pouch, etc....but I am making a memory box or drawer, and that all will go in there. The room doesn't strongly reflect "me"...it looks a little neutral...but it is tidy and calming. Truthfully, it was high time for this.
I don't usually imbibe unless I have a cold, but the weather has cooled off tonight, and I feel also that I've passed a big milestone. So I'm having a hot toddy with my friend Jack Daniels (ha,ha...that is a whiskey) while I watch a little Netflix.
Thanks for all the kind comments from everyone upthread. It means a lot, especially that I'm feeling a little shaky right now. In a good way.
Thanks for sharing. Not too much to share here, but I am trying to move forward. It is so great to hear how you all are rebuilding your lives after such tragedy. I wonder where we all will be this time next year. Hopefully things will be much brighter for all.
Thanks CO2. I'm packing for the trip and taking it one day at a time. I'm also taking a case of wine "for everyone", which I understand is a crutch but I don't care. I'll be with the people I love and feel completely comfortable leaving the festivities if it gets too much for me. I agree with you that no one 'gets it'. I've tried to explain to my sister but she keeps downplaying what I'm saying or trying to provide solutions for me. I completely understand that she is trying to be helpful and I'd be very frustrated/angry with her responses if I hadn't learned here that no one outside our experience understands. I thank God for all of you and this site.
In Sunday's NYT there was quite a spread on James Ivory's house; the one on route 23 in Columbia County. I'm guessing you are familiar with him and the location. I saw it in the print edition and the photos are excellent. It was in the back of the T section, the topic of which was Men's Style so I found it after wading through pages of mostly smirky, sullen male models.
If you haven't already seen it you might find it enjoyable.
Thanks, Abby. Yes, I'm very familiar with 23 in Columbia County. I'll look for the article. I used to be up in the Hudson office of my agency once a week or so.
Right now I'm in Colorado, and having huge tech issues with trying to be online. So I may not post much until later next week. But it's nice to be visiting my other daughter.
Well, last night I took a long, deep breath...combed my hair and put on some interesting earrings...and went to the singles' club dance. It was OK...I danced with a couple of guys...need to work on some line dancing...have no idea how to do the Electric Slide, Cuban Shuffle, or Boot Scoot...but will try to learn from Youtube for the next time. Then one guy asked me to supper afterwards, so at eleven at night I was in a Perkins Pancake House having a ham/swiss melt, mashed potatoes, and coffee. Just a pleasant, friendly, no pressure or baloney kind of evening with normal people...like me, a little worse for wear but still trying, I would say.
So this was a huge step for me. What is interesting (a little introspection here) is that I coped fairly well. I didn't feel like I was going to burst into tears any moment, or like I wanted to discuss Alzheimers or caregiver issues every second. I was able to say that Larry had died last year, that we took care of him at home as a family, and that he was much older than I but that it had been a very happy marriage (I always throw in, "He was an oldie but he was a goodie.")...and then I talk about other things...trying hard to focus on the other person and not just bloviate about myself all the time. I can see that one of my goals is going to be to improve my conversational skills. I shouldn't talk about Larry all the time, and I don't have work to talk about anymore...so what do I talk about? Cooking and babysitting? Blah, who cares. Music and writing? Sounds a little pretentious, considering the level I'm at. Well, this is an ongoing story, so stay tuned.
I think the group here would have been proud of me. It wasn't so much that I was a stunning social success (I wasn't, of course)...it's that I went out there and did it at all.
We have all bonded together through the years after coming to Joan's to get advice, rant, give advice, get sympathy, and also share jokes and try to make each other smile through the worse of our caregiving days. I don't think I could have survived without all of you here.
We all survive the "after" in our own ways and in our own timelines. At first, I travelled a lot on weekends to get away from the house (since for three years I rarely left it except to go to work). Then I redecorated the house. Following that, I travelled some more. It has only been in the last few months that I can say that I am content to be alone in the house. And I then noticed that the house needed some work. So, I got a new roof. Then I replaced the storm doors. (Both look great and I am pleased with my choices!)
I am still trying to find out how I want to spend the rest of my life. <grin>
I am working full time, and have cut back on my travelling - though I still plan on two trips a year. And I'll check in here occasionally to see how you all are doing.
Wishing all of you good health and happiness in your lives.
I am so proud of you Elizabeth..and all of us here.
I wish I could post more here but it is just something I could maybe do more down the road. Honestly...as I also am "mending" slowly I simply need to move away from talking about myself for the time being. Even coming here to offer advice just brings up stuff that I am not ready for yet.
When I went to Dados one year anniversary on the island of Maui, to visit his grave...I could not say the final goodbye like I had planned. I prayed at the gravesite and begged God to help me, Dado help me, I cannot get over this hump.
then, that night , I was in a half sleep state, when Dado came to me. He looked like his old self, and he told me, Patty, I can never come back here again, I am so very happy where I am, and I will take you there. He took me to a beautiful garden that he said he was tending. There was an ethereal woman sitting next to us on a step, and she told me, we love Dado so very much. I suspect she was an angel, she had wispy hair and a shimmery blouse , and she radiated love. I could feel waves of empathy coming from Dado to me, saying, Patty, please stop being so sad.
Then I woke up. Since then, (2 months and 2 days ago), my heart has healed so much more. How very blessed I have been to received that visit. It released the "stuck valve", and now I know he is very good.
Still having better days and not-so-good days. I still can get very "blah" and mopey...just spend too much time cruising the Internet sometimes...sit at the table and play Solitaire...can't always seem to get in gear to be productive. I am very conflicted about DD and the grands...still feel that she is trying to manipulate me into much more involvement than I want to have. No matter what she says, she is trying to push s-i-l further away and call on me to do the things that a parent would normally do. It's hard to say "no" when it's children who will be affected...although s-i-l and the kids are very close, and he is a good dad. But he is constrained by the visitation schedule. I'm wondering if I go back to NY, if he will be able to have more involvement to fill in the gap left by my leaving town. DD would not like that, of course.
I think it's surprising how vulnerable you can be as a widow/widower. I honestly did not expect this...to be put in this position by my own family. I just don't need their issues right now, when I am trying to get through the loss of Larry and construct a meaningful new life for myself. Repeat: New Life for Myself. That does not mean spending the next 10 or 20 years helping people who would not dream of doing the same for me. I really need to toughen up, to put myself first, and to make no apologies for it.
I need to get back up to NY again and look around some more, see if the "vibe" still feels right. Or not. I will know right away if it still feels like "home" ... or if it is just a nice place where I used to live...and if "home" is the Heartland now. Either place would be OK in terms of Larry--he died here in this little house in the Midwest--a house and property he really loved, until he got too bonkers to know where he was. But he's interred in NY--another place he loved--so I will have him close to me no matter where I decide to live. I love NY, but I sure would miss this park and my almost-daily long walk. (Six deer in the yard tonight--the little ones jumping and playing--gamboling, I think it's called--so cute.)
Could I stay and still be able to keep firm enough boundaries against the family so I could have a life? Should I go, and no longer have the frequent involvement...see them only occasionally for visits? And there's no question that all this family caregiving is blocking me from relationships and activities of my own. How do I get disentangled from that? I have committed until school's out in June, but after that I need to back away and get out of it somehow. But how can you say no to a sick kid who needs to be picked up from school, or to a child needing chauffeuring to important, life-skill activities like swimming lessons? It is a very good deal for the family for me to be working for them like this...but not good for me. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.
OK, end of monologue. Just call me Hamlet of the Heartland. Like they used to call Mario Cuomo "Hamlet on the Hudson" when he was trying to decide whether or not to run for President. I have to decide between freedom and servitude. Very difficult. With Larry I always came first--he respected me and wanted the best for me. I always said that I felt like Cinderella who finally got to go to the ball. There is just nobody else on this earth who feels that way about me. (Now Cinderella is back in the kitchen with the dirty dishes.) Sheesh.
Elizabeth, You said it all in your last two paragraphs. It is very wrong that you should be forced to make this decision (stay or go) just to end your term of indentured servitude (as you have called it) but I suspect that your daughter will continue to use you like this as long as you are available. You may have to vote with your feet. What a shame that would be for all involved!
Elizabeth, I, too, believe that you deserve to live YOUR life and be happy. I think also that your daughter will continue to use you, and the children are her biggest weapon. What do you think Larry's advice would be? It is a terrible spot to be in.
Thanks, Marg and Myrtle. Much to ponder, and no really perfect answer. Larry functioned well in a family setting--we both came from large, extended families--and he was generous with family members. He had his boundary limits though--and he made sure that he and I came first. He would not approve of the divorce, and would perhaps think I have become too involved...hard to say, as when he was alive my life centered around him, of course. That's not the issue now.
My two grandmothers lived nearby while I was growing up, and were integral parts of my life---but not to this extent. My next step will be to go to Ireland and hide out for eleven days...clear my head...and also, as I said above, go back to NY trying to stay away from my friends and social life for a short time...just to try to "feel" whether I am still "home" there or not.
I am sorry that I have to agree with Marg and Myrtle. You may be able to find a similar place somewhere else, in New York state perhaps. I have a daughter who does the same, and the key mantra I've had to use is "protect yourself."
Thank you for those wise words, Mary. I have been thinking a lot about the advice from Marg, Myrtle, and you. First and foremost, I will internalize that key mantra "Protect Yourself," and use it as a yardstick to measure every action I take now and moving forward into the future.
It may sound simplistic to some. But for me, born and raised to identify other people's needs and meet them, the concept of "Protect Yourself" is not the first thing I necessarily think of. Well, going forward, it will be.