I asked my MD at my October appointment if I should get off Mirtazapine that I have been on for 4 years. She said NO. Wait for spring or summer when the days are longer and I can get outside. She said winter is depressing enough by itself and I should wait.
That may be a good suggestion..getting off meds like these in spring or summer when days are longer and weather better. It is a tough to be just off of these meds, getting used to the slings and arrows hitting again and trying to come to terms with it but during holiday times when even when we are in the best of shape one in our boat can be, it makes it harder.. Yes I do have a great doc..He was my husband's neurologist and was the only one of his doctors who actually asked ME how I was doing...when I told him about the onset of opthalmic migraines he said " I want to see him in 3 months and you as soon as you can get an appt. I can help you with your anxiety and migraines.." and help me he did. I'll be forever grateful to him. When he put me on Sertraline, I argued with him..clash of the titans actually! But he said if I did not take this ( or one that would work) I would get sick very soon and very badly and recovery would be lengthy and difficult... When he said it was time to taper off, I asked what he thought I was headed for, was it PTSD? and he said no, Clinical depression...and it was going to be a bad ride.. But his insight, concern and care helped me get through the final illness and death and aftermath. I see him in a couple of weeks for follow up... suppose to see how well I am doing without the medication... For me it is like taking the cosmaline off a brand new out of the factory car after it got to the dealership..Now the protective film is off and the brand new car is subject to the pings of little rocks, rain, dust and road hazards. Now the protective benefit of the med is gone and the slings and arrows of loss are starting to penetrate..this is hard...delayed or something on purpose. I don't know but at the moment that is how I see it.
Hi everyone…here I am in New York, just kind of hanging out and socializing with friends…trying to get down to the City to see some galleries in the Met--Metropolitan Museum of Art--but it's been freezing cold and very icy…so we're hoping for warmer weather today, as it's a longish walk downhill to the train, and then the wait on the platform…not something you'd want to do in low temps, wind, and on icy sidewalks. Yesterday my friend Phyllis and I went up to Kingston to scout neighborhoods and have lunch. I think that when the time comes I will just look for something small in the same neighborhood where I lived before. It is a familiar place, and pleasant and convenient in many ways. I will miss not having that park across the road, but my old Kingston neighborhood is a great area for walking…flat and little traffic--I walked every day for years there…so will just have to take advantage of the Ohio park for as long as I'm there…just look on it as a pleasant interlude. In NY I will get back to my perennial beds again..plan to make a really beautiful yard, like Larry and I had before…so my yard will be my "park" in a way. We stopped at the cemetery, and I think because Phyllis was with me I did not cry and "lose it" this time. It was nice to "see" him again, and as always, I am so comforted that he is in a beautiful place. With no leaves on the trees, the panoramic view of the Hudson and the mountains across the river are just so beautiful…a snowy, icy, winter scene.(The Christmas greenery arrangement was still in front of his place--looked nice still.) I wish I could post a picture to share with all of you how pretty it is there at his final resting place. Anyway, just missing him every day, and nothing fills the hole that was left when he died…but so nice to visit him and give his nameplate a couple loving pats and give him a kiss the only way I can…kiss my fingers and then touch the nameplate. I do feel strongly that he is happy and at peace…I don't mean that it is just my opinion, or that it comforts me to think that. I can actually feel his presence around me sometimes,loving me and watching over me... and he is happy.
Hello to everyone, old timers and those currently dealing with this difficult situation. I haven't checked in for a while due to lack of time, but still think about this site and all the help and support I received here. In less than 2 weeks it will be the first anniversary of Steve's death--hard to believe. I am still active with the Alz Assn and will continue to do so in the future. Just wanted to let you all know that I am thinking about all of you frequently and as I've mentioned before, am in a new life. The difference is--that while I was very appreciative of my marriage all those years, I am thankful for the new relationship every single day and consider it a bonus, knowing how fragile life is.
I will always be grateful to you for all the support, understanding and wise counsel you have generously given me. Wrapped into that are feelings of admiration and always, always, wishing you the best. ♥
Such bad news when I called my SIL to wish Christmas blessings to them. She told me Frank's brother (her husband) has dementia. This is number four of the six siblings to sink into this hell. He is 86 yrs old. I think this used to be called senility in years past. Sad whatever. My sons think about their future - they are 56 and 60 now. Just pray they got my family genes - my family has no history of dementia and have lived into late 80s and even 90s. SIL in very poor health for years. She is 82. Really thinking about them and praying for just getting through each day. We shared many happy vacation trips with them - they were campers as we were. Just have to remember the happy times.
Florence, Very sorry to hear about your brother-in-law and the burden this will place on his wife. Hopefully your sons will have inherited your family's genes.
Update on withdrawl from sertraline or any other med in this category..Today I had an appt with my neurologist..I am going back on a very low dose of sertraline not for depression or anxiety but to help with migraine...However, as an aside, when he asked how I was doing since the withdrawing from the medication, and apart from the start up of migraine again, well. However I told him that this holiday was different and more difficult from last year. I suggested to him that when deciding to pull someone off, that they not be newly off the medication during the holiday time because at best it is stressful just getting ready for the holidays but when one has been widowed, it is amplified. He was grateful for that suggestion and said so...it is something clinical staff don't always think about unless someone mentions it and he was happy for that suggestion..so hats off to all of us who have the * for some good ideas and suggestions to pass on to our doctors... I had an opthalmic migrain yesterday...I was reading and all of a sudden part of the word was missing...it was bright in the kitchen so I wasn't sure what was going on. This was different from the only other opthalmic migrain I have had...so got checked..eyes ok..so between the opthalmic and sinus region migraines history, I am back on 25 mg of Sertraline for awhile to see how well it goes..Thank God for doctors who listen..I have two of them...and I am blessed!
So. an ophthalmic migraine was what I had. I was sick about 3 weeks around Christmas and one morning I was reading an article and words and parts of words were missing. Scared me so I laid down and closed my eyes for a few minutes. When I opened my eyes everything was back to normal. I thought migraines were associated with headaches which I very seldom have. Thanks Mimi....
They are strange. I have had one. It only lasted about 20 minutes, and I had to look up my symptoms online to figure out what was going on. It was a little like having the aurora borealis in my visual field temporarily.
Emily, I have had that happen about four times over the last 10 years but they lasted only a few minutes. They were very scary. My doctor compared them to a visual migraine. I was not reading at the time but parts of words could have been missing.
Optic migraines are fairly common-and frightening. Mine are sometimes black, white and silver and sometimes like a rainbow. It's good to see old friends still popping in.
It has been a long time since I've written anything here but, I do stop in to check on how everyone is doing. Texas Joe and I just celebrated out three year anniversary this past Nov. and things couldn't be better. We sold our Texas home and moved to Indiana just before Christmas. No family around but, my three daughters have all taken a long weekend and came for visits. I think they just wanted to see the house, just joking. It is nice to be close enough that they can do that. Joe and I have been lucky health wise and we enjoy every day we have together. We thank God, Bill and Mary Ann for bringing us together and have no problem talking about them. If the discussion gets too emotional, we say enough and move on to something else. Our love for each other keeps growing every day and because we know life doesn't always go the way we want , we appreciate everything and every day we have together. Most of you know Texas Joe more than Joyce 43 and I just wanted all the people who helped him during the time he was here to know that he is doing great and I believe he is as happy as I am.
So good to hear from you, Joyce, and to know that you both are doing so well! Just proves that there can be a happy 'after'. I so remember when TJ was in such a deep pit. Love can conquer all obstacles if we are open to it! Blessings on you both!
Knowing both your stories, Joyce I wish you and Joe continuing happiness. It is lovely that you can share memories of your loved ones with each other without any animosity. I think that a union of two ex dementia spouses is something truly special. All the best cassie*
Thanks Vickie. Joe speaks often about how you were always there when he needed someone the most. Cassie, it does make it special knowing what the other person is talking about and knowing how they felt because you went through the same thing. We feel blessed to have each other and lucky to have found love the second time.
This morning I took my bathroom toiletries out of the tote bag I have used for months, since he came home on Hospice May 10, 2014 and the bathroom drawers were totally filled with his supplies. I'd gotten rid of the supplies, but still had not put my toothbrush, toothpaste, etc. back in the drawers. I do keep his razor and comb in the top vanity drawer, where they always were. Anyway, this morning, as I picked up my tote and went into the bathroom, I said to myself, "This is absolutely ridiculous!" And I put my tooth brushing stuff, hairbrushes, and makeup supplies back in the bathroom drawers. Cannot believe I've been carrying that stuff back and forth from the bedroom in a tote for the five months and five days since he died. (Still keep his things in his nightstand drawers and his Bible and rosary on top of his nightstand--I could use the space, especially since my books pile up so bad on my side…but I just can't empty out that nightstand. I can't believe I still sleep on "my" side of the bed instead of in the middle, like I certainly could if I wanted to.) This bereavement stuff is so profound. I was fortunate enough to find somebody--age difference or not--who, when one breathed in, the other breathed out. A lot of people never get to have a relationship like that. But boy, the flip side is that when one partner goes, the other one is bereaved to the max. I am not a particularly depressed or "down" person, but his death still makes me feel like I've been run over by a tractor-trailer. The missing him, the changes in my life because he is not here, the trying to recover my physical health (have not lost a pound--desperately need to start getting rid of that 40 lbs. I gained the last couple years of caregiving)…it's like grief is a job in itself. It sucks up all my energy sometimes. I find myself looking back with a smile, but desperately missing the little things…the goodnight kiss and pat, the good morning kiss and pat, just putting the tea kettle on for us, or trying to think of a crossword answer together. There were some "biggies", too--drinking champagne in bed watching Y2K on TV and wondering if all the power would go out at midnight--ha-ha. Or 9-11. We didn't lose anybody, but came darn close, and sitting watching events unfold on TV while only 90 miles away was scary and profound beyond belief. The plane going down the Hudson valley probably went right over our heads. You can't forget things like that.
Elizabeth, congratulations for taking another step. I know it feels awful, because I do the same things; sleep only on my side, resist changing anything of his, hold onto his presence when I feel it. The grief and emptiness I feel when I see something that triggers a memory (the 1 champagne glass that we shared, because he broke the other one and instead of admitting it and replacing it, we just laughed & shared one) the music we listened to on the boat, on road trips, on Saturday evenings while we grilled steaks & drank wine. Sometimes I just ask myself, where did it all go?
You've said here before that you start your day with your piano & harp. That makes me smile for you. Music heals us where nothing else can. I hope you continue to gain solace from it.
Elizabeth...great step you have taken. It is true that you need to make room for your stuff now and do whatever it is that makes things easier for you! I have no problem sleeping in the middle of the bed because I always did. He was a back sleeper and rarely ever moved. Therefore, I had my side and the middle all to myself. I spread out when I sleep. I was going through his closet and nightstand just yesterday looking for some items to take to his memorial service next week in our home town. I felt like I was intruding on his stuff. I was careful to place everything back the way he had it once I found the items I was looking for. In hind sight, I felt silly for doing that since he will never know...but I just felt as if I needed to respect his stuff in the manner that he would if he were still here for now. I know that I will make those steps as you are beginning to do, but it is just not time yet. Too soon...I know you understand!
If I play one song on the piano and one on the harp, at least I know I have done something…and have had a nice few minutes first thing in the morning. I know that a lot of people start their day with a meditation, and it probably gives similar results…sort of strengthens and centers you for the day ahead. Today I am cooped up in the house with one of those bad colds that makes you just bag everything and go to bed. I've been thinking about him so much…probably because I don't feel up to doing anything, and am just moping. I keep thinking, as Fiona said, "Where did it all go?" Well, I guess I know where it all went, and the question now is going to be, "Where am I going from here?" As Aunt B says, "It is just not time yet. Too soon…"
Moving forward seems so slow, with just little steps, and no sure notion of where the path is going to go. I am going next week to check out a senior community, with different levels of care on one campus, at Oberlin, Ohio. My harp teacher says I am not ready for anything like that yet. Well….probably not…but I just want to cover my bases and see what is out there for me. The only one who's going to take care of me is me, myself, and I. It's called Kendal at Oberlin-- borders Oberlin College and has a lot of interaction with the school. You can start with the Independent Living and then they have their Assisted Living and their Nursing Home levels for when you deteriorate as time goes by.
I'm probably more interested in moving back to New York and buying a little house. I'm watching the real estate up there carefully. But as I promised DD I'd stay here and help with the grands until June, 2016, I might as well look around.
I'm also looking for a new home. I've considered moving to Denver where 2 of my kids live but, after reading so many posts about people moving to live by their kids and end up alone in a strange city, I've decided to stay in my home town. I have 4 siblings here and we help each other out. I've thought about a townhouse or condo but I love to garden so much that I've decided to buy a small house. But it's rather terrifying to look for a house for just myself. I don't know what I want but I have this feeling that I'm somehow defining who I am by what I choose. Overwhelming … so I plan to just take it slow. I believe that someday something will 'speak' to me. Until then, I'll wait.
Fiona, why don't you start going to some open houses? It would help zero you in on what you like, and also, what neighborhoods would be the best for you. The location is probably more important in some ways than the house itself. (You can always fix a house…but you can't fix the location.)
very good idea. I haven't done so yet because I don't want to find a house I love before I sell mine (which won't go on the market for a couple more months). But looking at possibilities will help clarify what I like & where I feel comfortable. I'll start next week when I'm back from Denver.
elizabeth - baby steps true, but steps at least. I've had my * more than two years and his desk is still the same except for the sympathy cards stacked on it. I did change the bedroom and spend evenings there. Still only go in den where we always sat when son comes to watch ballgames with me. Hang in there you'll make it. Grief is hard and I can't seem to find the end to it -- probably never will it just will hurt less and less.
I still have all the sympathy cards and letters, the Mass cards and folders, my extra acknowledgement cards and the extra prayer cards…could not even imagine throwing them out. (Don't need all that, of course.)The funeral home gave me a nice wooden remembrance box that came with the casket…made out of the same wood. I will have to carefully sort through the above items and put the most meaningful into that box, but I'm not going to do it yet. I don't know why…I'm just not ready to sit and really concentrate on it.For several months I left all that stuff stacked on the spare bed--it's probably progress that at least I've now got it in a dresser drawer.
Fiona, are you going to have an estate sale company come in and clear your house and sell things at auction for you? I know you posted the size of your house somewhere, and it is a big place. When Larry and I sold the NY house (well…when I sold it…his name was off the deed by then) I found a local place that would both do attic/basement/garage/shed clean outs and dump runs, and also ran an auction business, so we were able to clear out the ratty stuff and sell and make money on the better stuff. The Ohio house is almost exactly half the size of the NY house, (1,100 sq. ft./ 2,200 sq. ft.), without the pool, pergola, perennial beds, blah, blah. I think I've said before that the Ohio house faces a 4,400 acre park…Fiona, I would really recommend trying to find a house where you have easy access to a beautiful setting, without actually having to own it, maintain it, and pay taxes on it. A great location without having to be responsible for taking care of it…unbelievable how it adds to your quality of life. When we first moved here, Larry used to walk around the yard on his walker with a big smile on his face. And I was still wheeling him down our little road next to the woods just a week or so before he died. Lots of people on this forum have sold their places and moved--I bet you will get lots of good advice.
It has been 18 months since I lost Ozzie..and my house is still in disarray. I feel the same about his end table, andI I can't even mention his closet. I did clear his medicine chest out and put the meds in that are mine, all the meds in one place..and I did the drawers in the bathroom. I too need the closet space etc but I just can't make myself do it.
One thing I did with all the sympathy cards and Mass cards etc..I got a see through tote and files to hang in it. I sorted out all the cards by which family sent them, which friends etc. And I put lots of the keepsakes in there too.
I took over the desk but my goodness the trinkets and things he had there. I try to figure out what somethings mean, and found some real treasures too..But good grief Charlie Brown, there is still so much and I find it hard to toss anything that has his writing on it especially the messages he took down correctly during his illness..he got them right!!!
After 36.7 years there is a lot to work though..Somethings I have shared with the kids with more to do in that area. Just not ready to part with his flight suits, uniforms, etc..Damn this is hard...Grief is a whole new "job" and not a nice one either. Good luck to all of us.
elizabeth*, sorry for my delayed response, I have been traveling for a couple of weeks and just now saw your note to me about using an auction house to sell my household stuff. Actually, I don't have that much that's good. a couple of couches, a few chairs, kitchen & D. Rm sets, 3 beds w/a couple of dressers, and loads of junk. My newly retired brother has been helping me patch holes, paint walls, clean out stuff from the basement, etc. He took all that was left in my husband's workroom - and was very excited to get it (not so sure about my sister-in-law though). I don't have much that is auction worthy. But it's a thought I'll keep in mind. I'd like a smaller place but really need to have a yard that I can dig in. Small pots around a patio won't be enough. I am looking for something near one of our bike trails.
Like Mimi*, my husband's desk is full of scraps of paper with his notes, which don't make much sense but I love to look at his writing. His nightstand is still full of misc. junk, batteries, red pens, a couple of flashlights (oh, did that man love a good flashlight!!) and I just open it once in a while & smile. I don't even consider tossing that stuff. When I downsize I'll have to do some purging but for now, it makes me feel like he's still part of my life here
Fiona, our minds must work in similar ways--a little room to dig in the yard and being near the bike trail sounds like where I live--I think God brought me and Larry to this little house where we spent our last 15 months together. I keep thinking how perfect it was for us, and how much he liked it. (Until he started deteriorating, and all bets were off as we went into full Alzheimers hell.)
Fiona and Mimi, I have, besides his nightstand, one full, big dresser drawer full of "stuff" that was his or that came from deceased members of his side of the family--things like cuff links and tie tacks that I know belonged to his brothers. I just can't toss them or send them to the Goodwill. Some of it doesn't mean much to me, but it meant something to Larry, so I feel like I need to keep it. Silly, I know. I've mailed a lot of old family snapshots to his niece, but it seems like I keep turning up more. His 92-year-old sister told me she doesn't want that stuff, and to just send it all to his niece, who is happy to get it. At least I didn't have to deal with his police uniforms--he had wanted to give them to my daughter, who is also in law enforcement. So I donated all except one uniform, which I passed along to her, along with his handcuffs, billy club, and police whistle. I am keeping his badge--that I will never part with. (NYPD, badge 1921). I did turn in his service revolver to the police department when we moved from New York. I was afraid to take it across state lines…didn't really know the rules…had kept it locked away in a safe for years when it became obvious he was getting demented…just didn't think it should be available to him, not that it was ever an issue.
Well, I'm rambling. But just missing him and our life together…while trying to figure out how in the world to move forward…seems like a full-time job. One of the most helpful things anyone said was InJail's posting to Wolf when Dianne died…something to the effect of "honor your spouse and your love by moving forward and living the life they would have wanted you to have." That comment is helping me a lot. I don't know how to do it exactly, but it gives me a little more sense of purpose, instead of just moping around and drifting through my days in apathy and blah.
I should probably start journalling. I find myself just wanting to get on here and write on and on about trying to integrate his loss and build some kind of meaningful life for myself that consists of more than just aching and missing and wanting him all the time. I don't post on this thread nearly as much as I'd like to, because I'm afraid my incessant whining will just turn people off.
Elizabeth, that's what this site is for - for all of us to whine, vent, - whatever it is we need to do at the moment. It won't turn any of us off. We've all been there and done it one time or the other - and everyone always comes through for us. Just keep holding on to the knotted rope that is out there for any of us to hang on to!
Dear, Brave Elizabeth, Anyone that could survive what you did in the last few months of Larry's life can do anything they really want to - when you decide you are ready. Is there any chance you are staying in limbo to help your daughter out because it gives you a reason to not move on yet? Is that what Larry would want for you? Only you have the answers to those questions.
Hi, InJail. No, Larry would definitely Not want me staying here and doing the babysitting, chauffeuring, shopping, and cooking that I'm doing now. I feel like staying here until the kids are all ready for an all-day schedule in the same elementary school (June, 2016) is a reasonable compromise with doing with what I want versus doing what my daughter wants. Surely two professional, well-educated parents with decent incomes and paid-for houses--divorced or not--can manage three school-age kids without me having to be around. I'm going to try to get the good out of the area while I'm here, but then get outta Dodge! I'm trying to get used to Larry being gone, while working on some stuff that's important to me while I'm here…like my music, writing, trying to learn French by Pimsleur and babbel.com (will need it for Quebec…at least some understanding of it)…and that extra 40 lbs. is not budging, but it needs to go. There is a singles group that sounds down-to-earth…not like a "dating" group, but more like normal people who do normal things. I am not quite ready, but I think in about another month I will start going to their meetings and activities--just to get out of the house and be with people a little bit. (Kind of like what Joan does.) Larry and I were 25 years apart, and our personalities were not the same. I used to say he was crazy and I was normal, so we complemented each other…I calmed him down, and he revved me up. (Joking, of course…he could be very dramatically Italian at times, and I tend to be a non-excitable stoic.) But our core values were rock-solid the same, and we liked to live the same way just in the normalities of every day life. My DD's values and way of life are just not comfortable to me. I don't live the way she does. I'm not criticizing for a minute…it's not for me to judge…but I need to get going in my own direction, with friends and relationships that are comfortable and do not take advantage of me. My two grandmothers were both very much local and part of my family life as I was growing up…but the "feel" was completely different. It was a good, healthy thing--comfortable and advantageous to all. It is not like that now with DD. We did get Larry taken care of at home, so that part worked out well. Staying here and moving forward as part of an extended family situation with DD and the kids (with s-i-l booted out) is not working out well for me. Probably TMI, but thanks to everyone for listening.
Thanks, InJail. I just went way back to my old Discussion called "End of the Trolley Line" and printed off the eight pages that detailed his final days in late August and Labor Day weekend, into Tuesday, Sept. 2 when he died. I stapled them together, folded them in half, and put them in the drawer with all the funeral stuff. While re-reading my own account of his dying and death, I read over each and every persons' comments to me…I think it meant more to me now than during those last few days and just after his death…the care and support from this group is just beyond belief. I think you joined us later on--you missed out on all the fun months when he was pooping all over the house, insisting that I take him "home", yelling for 15-22 hours straight (good old Hospice with their "medication management"…yeah, right), falling here, there, and everywhere…sigh. Having to be taken to the toilet every two minutes with very difficult transfers, dropping food all over the floor... How he would have hated it, if he had had the awareness. At least now, at the 5 months and 21 days point, I am remembering so much of the good stuff all those almost 20 years, and so little of those super-bad last four months. We had a great run, and I still think that I was lucky beyond belief to have had a happy marriage like that…I always knew it was most likely I'd lose him sooner or later, because of the age difference. I just wish it didn't have to be Alzheimers.
Now you must keep us updated on your Tiny House adventure. That is just so cool--I love Tiny Houses! I subscribed to betty here's family's newsletter for a while--lots of fun!
Survival--yes, it does come right down to that. People who have not gone through this Alzheimer's experience could not even begin to imagine what we go through.
Cordis went to his Heavenly home 3 years ago today. I miss his sweet smile, his sense of humor and his love for his family. This post was on my Facebook this morning and I want to share it. Grief never ends...But it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...It is the price of LOVE...Author Unknown. Today I am remembering the good times.
You are a role model to me too Bama. Once again I had to pull up the Big Girl panties after some days of crying. Give them a tug, and say...ok crybaby time to stop. (Today is 7 months since Dado died...funny how that date is embedded in our souls)
Yes it is hard. Tomorrow the 24th is 7 months for me. But I have a good day planned. I am meeting our own Joang and Bluedaze* for lunch tomorrow. I am excited about that. Today I met PrisR* and we talked for 2 hours. We discovered we both like cruising, though she has done way more of it than I have.
Next week I have to leave sunny Florida and head back to my real world in PA.
I am so looking forward to meeting Mary. I am also from Pa. She is leaving Bradenton for our area today. I lived in Bradenton for many years. We probably won't let poor Joan get in a word edgewise.