I can hardly believe it will be one year tomorrow (my birthday) that my DH passed away. It's been a long, yet short, year. My life has changed so much. Sold my house, furniture - almost everything, and moved to N. Fl to be near my only sister - not in good health. I love my apartment (over 55 complex) but not crazy about this part of FL. I guess the 10 plus years of caregiving finally caught up with me a month ago and I was sick with some sort of flu but they could never figure out what. I am now gaining my strength back and feel much better. I will probably be losing my my Millie (Shih Tzu) who is 12 - UTI's, bladder stones, probably a tumor in her bladder. I'm keeping her comfortable and not in any pain - and we shall see. So many losses in a few short years. Yet - I am trying to be optimistic about my future - whatever it is.
Vickie, if I remember correctly, you lost your son in a terrible accident, then lost your DH to Alzheimer's. Now your beloved pet is seriously ill and your sister is not in good health. If you can stay optimistic, the rest of us should hang our heads in shame. I admire you greatly and appreciate your staying on this site to help those of us who are still struggling with this disease. You are a wonderful caring person. Many {{{HUGS}}}
Thank you, Dazed. Yes, my son was murdered on Christmas Eve 2010. My Mom had died In Nov., 2010. I haven't been able to decorate for Christmas since 2010, but it was my son's favorite holiday. We always decorated together. So....this year I am decorating. Just for me and my son. I need this to get some 'normal' back in my life. Thanks for the ((((HUGS)))) - and back at you. And to all of us.
Vickie*, thanks so much for caring about all of us still on the journey. You are a remarkable person to have suffered so many losses in a short period of time and still remain optimistic and positive. I am wishing you a happy birthday and sending a ton of love to you and your dear Millie. ((((HUGS))))
VIckie Happy Birthday to you! Thank you so much for your post, I too agree with Dazed that your example is amazing, and though I will not hang my head in shame...( : I do take a good lesson from you. Yes yes decorate for you and your son, lift your head up high and know that you are loved. God bless you Vickie.
Yesterday was 4 months since Dado left. Was kind of a hard day. I have friends visiting from Canada for a few weeks, (the very good ones that love me and Dado), and I will be going to Maui to spend Thanksgiving with his stepson and small family as my friends can keep an eye on the homestead and the felines. Though Dado's gravesite is a few hours drive from where I will be , I am hoping we can drive out there.
And to all of you, I do not post so much too, I do read here almost everyday. If there was something more to offer I would chime in, but the support here is amazing and over the top. One thing, I can say, is that the first two months for me after his passing were very brutal and almost unbearable. It still hurts so much, but, it is more tolerable. I think this may be due in part to the fact that I dove in to the grief, just let it come. I was so scared it would never let up a bit, but it does. So hang on. And know that you are loved.
Trying very hard today to make it a good day for single son and daughter who are coming for turkey and fixings. Visited with sister in long term care this a.m. she was not aware what day it is (Thanksgiving) so my worry over her spending it alone was not necessary. I expect most of my worries fall into that category. Hope all who have the * following your name can remember happy days and be thankful for much. I'm inspired by "Living in the shadow of Alz" blog. How does she do it -- always counting blessings. Have a blessed day and I hope you have all the food you need today!!
Part of my family was here for Thanksgiving. As a gift they brought me a computerized picture frame. Loaded on to it were pictures of my parents as young people, my graduation from nursing, Bill as a young man before we married. We didn't cry. We were thankful for all the good things that happened in our lives.
I stopped by the cemetery around 3:30 this afternoon on my way back from Vermont to NY. The wintry views of the Hudson with the leaves off the trees and the snow all over is very nice. The Christmas greenery is starting to go up, but his has not been placed yet. I've had a nice trip (I drive back to the Heartland tomorrow), but really looked forward to my "visit" with him. I cried and cried, of course. I can be as calm as a cucumber, and then I walk up to his final resting place and fall apart. It is nice to put my hand on his nameplate and just talk to him. I miss him so much.
Sorry for whining last night. I was just re-reading some of the other posts…what a strong and wise group. Vickie, I'm sending special supportive thoughts and hugs to you…I don't know how you manage to stay sane. Safe driving today to all who are traveling home from the long weekend. : D
Elizabeth, I read your post, and don't believe you were whining at all....or that you are not a strong or wise person... After all you are a "graduate" of the caregiver support institute aren't you? Crying and sadness are meant to be experienced fully when that is how we are feeling at the time; and when we are missing our loved ones, that IS how we are feeling. Please be kind to yourself.... I dare say the years may allow us to better accept our loss, but the sadness and "missing" them will stay with us for a long time and continue to surface at times.
Elizabeth, If a newly bereaved widow cannot cry over her husband's gravesite, I don't know who can. Besides, reading your descriptions of the spot overlooking the Hudson River, with the mountains in the background, is like looking at a landscape painting. Beautiful. And befitting a life well-lived.
Thanks, everyone. I stayed in my room in NY last night, and drove home today…seven hours on the road…I just got here, safe and sound. I took my bag into the bedroom and waved at all DH's pictures and blew kisses. Now I am drinking a glass of white wine preparatory to clearing out the last things from the garage…not a big job at all…it's pretty much empty...because the concrete crew comes tomorrow to tear up the cracked garage floor. They will pour the new concrete the day after tomorrow. And so it goes.
I am just thinking what a nice visit it was in Vermont and also with old friends in NY.Good food, good wine, flickering candlelight, wonderful welcomes and good conversation. Now that's the positive part. I still can't help asking rhetorically--where were these warm, wonderful people when I was going through living hell with DH? When he was lonely, and couldn't walk any more, and couldn't carry on a sensible conversation, and needed help with everything? Where were these people? My best "friends" and "loving family"? Yeah, right. I don't want to sound like a cynic, but boy, what a healthy skepticism I have developed over these 14 years of Alzheimers caregiving. I am going to make sure I can afford some sort of senior community for myself later on, where things may not be perfect, but where health care and socialization are built into the various levels of care. What about depending on friends and family to care for me? Don't make me laugh.
An acquaintance in NY has a mother with dementia in a nursing home approximately 15 miles from where he lives. While I was chatting with him, he received a phone call from her nursing home that she had sustained a skin tear. He was on the phone for a long time with the nurse, explaining why he never (and I do mean never) came to visit his mother. Said it was 15 miles, so it was too far for him to travel. (He has two well-maintained vehicles, and drives much farther than that to go to work.) What a horses's patoot. But it is an all-too-familiar scenario.
I have three close friends who have lost their spouses. By close friends I mean I've known them all since 1975 and we've done lots of things together where AD has also shown me I knew my friends in that comfort channel of everything being in it's place and life just moving along - not as deep and close as I thought where I'm just as responsible for that being true as anyone else.
All three made different choices and all three were cancer. One drifted away because it was too painful to be in the old group. One 'remarried' within a year and is happy again. And one has been on her own for 20 months now and while her nature is similar to mine, her coping mechanisms are almost the opposite of mine.
She has kept busy. I have done nothing. She doesn't like to think about it because it makes her sad. I've ploughed in and am thinking through everything whether it hurts or not.
First off, we're all suffering and all our feelings are just as numbed and raw as anyone else's. I'm not interested in judging others but I examine almost everything and I have a lot at stake here trying to understand what actually is happening and not just what I think I'm seeing or how I feel about that.
I'm coming up on three years living through everything a widower does without actually being one. The psychiatrist I saw for one session said I was almost certainly grieving where for me that was in amongst the noise of the other things that AD did to me so it made sense but I couldn't tell. When you're in a heap on the floor it's hard to tell which aspect of this nightmare has you just then.
My Dianne is almost certainly near the end of her struggle and we are down to so little I hope for her quiet release. My world is different and I can't compare things straight up. But people are people I've learned and when we are under serious duress what we have within and what we can bring are the things that will help us.
I saw this lady a few times in October as part of knowing that what I wanted was having these people in my life. I bought us a pizza, then took her out to breakfast, then she had me over for thanksgiving (mid October here) with her children. After that however I went away on the weekend her husband used to be part of and then shortly after that Dianne began her slide in and out of palliative care. She is now eating again but has stopped twice for days at a stretch.
The point I'm making is that at the sunday brunch last week even though all of them had so obviously been told ahead of time what we were going through, this lady couldn't help blurting out that she had me over for dinner and then hadn't even heard from me in quite an offended tone which shocked everyone but me.
I've been there and I understand completely how it feels to be turning on the spit of denial. That in the saga of losing our spouse and having to re-invent a world we don't want at all - what's most important is what those around us did or didn't and said or didn't. I used to live there and I sympathize deeply.
She has now leased her house where I advised her not to until she knew the basement apartment her daughter and son in law were building for her in their house was ready. At the brunch she said she didn't care whether it was ready or not that she's going ahead with her life.
Which is false in my world but not necessarily in hers. I would see that as displacement. What I want is to feel ok inside - not move while I'm not. But she's desperate to solve and with a little luck maybe this will work for her.
In my world learning how to cope better is a tactic while learning how to change is a strategy. I used to believe that but now I know it's true. The shell shocked me would have been stung by her lashing out at me at that brunch and the shell shocked me would have been affected by all the couples but I really do understand what she's going through and I'm afraid she's still a ways away from getting that she clings to her pain tightly and even though she has many friends and things she likes to do - she's not ready to embrace the positives and so isn't ready to feel ok inside.
I hope that one day everyone can. All the couples that I used to be a couple with too, are aware that we're getting older where in that group I am the oldest by months and I will be a senior citizen in nine months. I could see the future where gradually ailments become part of the gab. I'm in quite a different world. I have no idea what I'm going to do but I do know that I have a few years here in all likelihood to bop around in and I'm not only willingly irresponsible, I'm an absolute child. I know that because it's me that now cleans up after myself. We had cleaning ladies all our lives (Dianne had her own career) and now I'm reduced to this. Saddle up the cats! It's time to round up the dust bunnies!
I opened up my heart to my life. It's all in that simple sentence.
You said: "I examine almost everything and I have a lot at stake here trying to understand what actually is happening and not just what I think I'm seeing or how I feel about that."
I have enjoyed reading your posts and get a lot from them. You are a truly good person. There are some things that you don't realize as yet. One, we grieve while they are still alive and lost to us - no communication, not knowing who we are - basically the body without the mind for the last two years or so. Yet, I talked to him, hugged and kissed him, remembering my love of 50 years. But I thought I had grieved my loss of him while he was still breathing. I was wrong. Though I was relieved when he went to join Diane, because he would be whole again, I had no idea of the HUGE hole in my heart (that after 3 1/2 years has not been filled) that would hit me like a cannon ball. After all the family had gone back to their homes (I had kept Dave at home until the end), I didn't want to be in the house because of the memories of Dave and Diane. Though I work, I traveled a lot of the weekends and stayed out of the house as much as possible. I saw others that I became close to here at Joan's. I went on cruises, I visited the friends I made here, and bought new furniture (especially my bedroom suite). I enjoyed my trips and being with the group here very much. We all try to help others who are still in the battle.
BUT, I don't think about how I am feeling. I don't examine everything. I learned that life is so much easier to just go with the flow. "I'm flexible" became my logo! I had had such a rigid schedule in order to work and have in-house care for Dave while I was at work, and still by groceries, go to the bank, etc. that I didn't know what to do with all my free time! I've learned. I have changed. Now, after 3 years, I look forward to spending time in my house. I don't see what I've lost there. In two years time, I lost my older daugher Diane suddenly from strep infection that turned into toxic shock syndrome, my best friend since childhood to a heart attack, my dog, and my husband of 50 years to Alzheimer's. I have no family in this city any more. My sons each live 8 hours away in opposite directions with their families. However, I have my job, and my friends. I still travel quite a bit. In fact, I'm going to London to be with my younger daughter, Debbie, for Christmas! She's taking me to High tea at the Ritz and for my birthday, she is treating me to the play "Holiday Inn" in London's equivalent to Broadway! I am happy with my life now..those I miss my husband, daughter and best friend. I do not dwell on how I feel. I just wake up each day and say "Thank you, Lord, for giving me another day" and am glad that I am healthy, have friends, can still work and travel.
What I am trying to show you and others, is that while your spouse is still alive, even though you have "lost" them, you still know that deep inside they are still in there and though you grieve for what was and can no longer be, you are still facing the ultimate loss. For some Christmas is a sad time, but if you think of the REASON we celebrate Christmas (Christ's birth), then we can rejoice and not think so much of ourselves and what we are feeling. When someone like me who is all alone most of the time (even at work, but no time to dwell on it there), if I can find joy, anyone can!
I wish everyone here at Joan's a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. EVEN under our various stages of grief!
Very well said, Mary*! So happy you are doing well. I'm getting there. I miss not working but I do enjoy my new apartment and spend a lot of time here - just Millie and me. Happy holidays to you and all the rest here on this wonderful site.
Just have to jump on for a minute and whine that I am definitely having trouble decorating the tree. I picked up a small one--about my height--5'4"--so it would be easy to handle and get into the stand. I have some pretty lights on it, a topper, and have some nice, child-proof ornaments ready to decorate it with. Most of those ornaments have a memory associated with them…we used to pick up ornaments as souvenirs of travel, or whatever. I thought it would be nice to have a low-key, tasteful tree this year…not as big and fancy as we used to have...I would make it sort of a "memory tree." Well, it seemed like a good idea, but this is the first tree I've ever decorated totally alone, and I had not anticipated how miserably it would make me miss Larry… I am just seeing him in every room, in every chair…with his pipe, his drink, his newspaper, his TV. He wasn't much interested in holiday decorating, but we would usually have a glass of eggnog or something , and he would help me look at it from different angles, move it a little if it needed it…etc. He was just there. And now he's not. I am kicking myself for not taking DD's suggestion that she or she and the kids help me with the tree. I thought I could handle it, and in fact that I would enjoy it. Well, guess what.
OK, I'm going to jump off this thread and go over to the Lodge for a few minutes. Maybe somebody over there has some eggnog and a Christmas cookie.
So the tree is up and decorated…I will fine tune it tomorrow. I found some ornaments I had forgotten we had--some glittery gold and white words saying, "Joy", "Hope", "Love", and "Believe." I put them all on the tree, and they helped a lot, especially when I put "Love" up near the top. I've got the fireplace cranked up, and am going to play some (shockingly easy) Christmas carols on the piano…then read my library book and go to sleep.
This sounds totally weird, but when I started hanging the "Joy, Hope, Love, Believe" ornaments on the tree, I could swear he was there with me. Or his spirit. Or something. It was so comforting.
My first post on the thread as a widow. Hard to fathom its my new way of life. So many of you before me. Now i am one of you too. Holidays are quite difficult with our spouses both living and deceased. I think after so many caregiving yrs i had time to mourn. But it comes in waves. Only time can heal. Its definately a new strange feeling going from us to one. Wishing each of you the very best and a peaceful holiday
divvi, it hardly seems appropriate to 'welcome' you to this thread! But, as you well know, we are all here for all of us.
Today would have been our 41st anniversary. We had 30 years of a wonderful marriage, made so many happy memories - then 10-11 years of - not so good. This time of year is especially sad for me but I will just keep going, one step at a time.
I wish all good things for all our members on this wonderful site.
During this holiday season, I am thankful for each and everyone on this site; I couldn't have made it without you. I am particularly grateful to the spouses who've lost their loved ones but still contribute to help guide and comfort those of us still on the journey. Each of you help us have a glimpse into the world "after".
divvi, so good to hear from you. I am sure the adjustment to "one" after so many years of caregiving seems almost surreal.
Vickie* thinking of you on this anniversary, so sorry. And to all of you, you are like my best friends. Thank you for being here and helping each other so much.
Thank you all for being here. It has meant so much to me over the years to feel truly connected to such a wonderful group of loving and caring people. I hope everyone enjoys their holidays. Merry Christmas, and have a Healthy and Happy New Year.
I too, want to chime in and wish all of you peace in this Holiday season. It seems so strange to not have him here. Last year he was confined to the bedroom in his hospital bed but now there is nothing.
I will be fine Christmas Day. I'll have 2 daughters, my son and 2 Grands for our gifts around the tree and for dinner. I'll be happy to have it all low key.
Day after - no mess to clean as Christmas had moved to my son's. Really strange I don't bother with any decorating - my house is not near the street and unless you're coming to the house (and that is rare) you're not going to see it. it was a nice day - everyone on best behavior and almost two year old great granddaughter was cute and in a good mood. All I cooked was a ham and chocolate cake and took a ready made casserole. People who only see each other once a year were cordial if not friendly. And all I feel is empty, empty, empty. Folks on this site understand. But I'll walk on into 2015 and pray I can help and not hurt anyone. Thankful for my health and my family.
Thank you dear Coco. My mother widowed at age 47 used to tell me "you make your own happiness, or not". Eventually I'll get through this low time. So many things I am a part of take a holiday break because "everyone" is so busy. Well, not everyone. I'll be glad when all the holidays are past and regular days are here again. YIKES, I'm having a pity party.
I think...sometimes... it is really really hard to grab on and make happiness. Especially when you have that empty feeling, that ennui, and you cannot feel it. The only thing I know is a path in the right direction, is eating well, sleeping well, some exercise, for me, gardening, and FORCING ourselves to do something out of our homes.
Go ahead and have a pity party, and you will plough through,
It's been two years now, and I put up my tree, and enjoyed my children and family. By 10:30, the day after Christmas, everything was boxed up, and all I could do, to make my world normal again was done. I still feel alone, and don't want to meet another. I still think of him all of the time. I have kept busy, even got a house at the beach to share with my kids, but can't seem to find a way to feel the joy in it without him. I do eat right, exercise, and get out a bit, and put on that fake smile for everyone I see or visit with, but just can't seem to get past his loss. I'm seeing a counselor who is helpful, as I can't seem to share with my loved ones. It would only hurt them and worry them, and I won't do that. She says I have gotten much better. Wonder what a mess I was two years ago, ha!
The first year it seemed that I just mourned, and had a pitty party constantly. The second year, I faced my loss, and made efforts to move on without him, not with much success. This second year was the one I did most of my acceptance of his loss, which was hard, and realization of the need to move on.
What I really wanted to do was to retreat back to this site, where I used to go for comfort and understanding. Truth is hard. I should be the one offering understanding, and encouragement to all of you. I take heart in knowing he is no longer suffering. I thank God for giving me the blessings of financial comfort, and a loving family. I guess I feel selfish, wanting that life ahead of me to be easier than it has been so far. I need to do as Coco suggested, just get out there, and FORCE myself to do something out of my home, and maybe help someone along the way. Only I can step up and appreciate what I have been given. Time to do just that! Live the life I have left in the way he would have wanted me to. To all, please know that it takes time, and that's OK. But try to make that effort to accept the blessings before you. With my love, Janny*
Aw Janny, it is so good to hear from you. I am so sorry that you are struggling so. It fears me a bit to think that I may never "move on", or that it will take so long. I mean, it has only been 5 months since my Dado left, and I still consider HIM all my life, all that I still think about and live around. Yes, I do other things, and have those happy moments, but just moments. I also am seeing a counselor, and I would like to share something that really opened my eyes. I really like her, I have reached out for other support before, and I think I lucked out having found her, she is kind and caring and wise.
I was telling her that of course, no one that has not lost a beloved spouse can truly understand one who has, I get that. They do their best, but honestly they don't want to hear about it or see it, they want life to be good and fun. I want that too, but alas I don't know when that will happen.
I was telling her how much Dado loved me, that no matter what I did, he loved me. He was more of a quiet man, and I the hyper silly and sometimes a bit loud after a couple beers. However, I was not mean and just fun loving. He would just sit there when I would be silly with my friends, and say, "That's my wife", and rarely get mad at me. I have been married before , and no way did my first husband love me like Dado did.
Also of course I lost my sister a couple of years ago, and she also loved me to bits. Then my Dad. I told her, I have not mourned Dad because he was ill for years and so it was expected. She pointed out that does not mean I should not mourn, and perhaps that all that was going on with caregiving and stress with Dado, that there was NO room for those 4 years to mourn.
Then she said, that I had lost three people who "mirrored" me, especially Dado . When I saw that they loved me, it made me happier, not like so many of the friendships that have dimmed over this process. They did not mirror me, most just judged. (OF course there were the precious few that knew how hard it was to see Dado dying)
So yes, I have lost the main person, and two others, that truly loved me. I don't know if this helps you in any way, for me it just made me understand why it is so very hard to lose him. (them)
I love you too Janny, I know we would be the best of friends. If you ever want to contact me you know I am here for you.
What a wonderful post. My best friend died in June, 2003. In June 2004 my husband did something that definitively pointed to a problem in his thinking, and eventually to the FTD diagnosis. We all know the path. For almost all of us it has been physically, spiritually, emotionally and financially draining.
I know I need counseling. For years I did not cry outwardly and I am afraid I will. I'm going to try it anyway.
I don't post often but I do read all of the threads every day; and although we are still on the journey, I even read this thread.
Thank you for sharing your therapist's insight about people "mirroring" us. In the course of two years I lost my mother, my sister, and my husband slipped into the eternal fog of AD. It left me bereft because these were the three people who have known me all my life and better than anyone. The grief is a lonely grief and sometimes it makes me angry that they all left me at the same time, but mostly I just feel an excruciating sadness that aches in my bones.
Like marche, I read all the threads every day though I don't post often.
I am still numb though I seldom cry. I just feel sad and my eyes will water but I haven't really done any sobbing crying.
Christmas was going through the motions. I did put a lighted wreath on the front of the house and some electric candles in the windows. The tree is an old artificial one that is all pre-decorated. I wrapped some gifts for my retarded son but everyone else just got a card with money. Had just son and 2 daughters for dinner. All very low key. Now I just want the decorations down.
I feel so much as you do about dealing with our great loss, as I am sure many on this site do.
Shortly after my husband died, Judith kb wrote a post on GRIEVING (10/2012). I just brought it to the top in case you missed it at the time.
I continue to practice her suggestions, and many times they have pulled me out of a depression or a crying jag. Just a thought. I hope the New Year offers us all some better tomorrows.
Just back from Texas. Was with my brothers for 2 weeks..it was cold and dreary every day that it didn't rain. And cold too. Doctor tapered down the Sertraline over a period of months and by the Thanksgiving time I was off of the medication. My advice...do not taper off during the oncoming holiday season. Just got weepy and for what reason? just out of the clear blue. It doesn't help my brother is also a widower of 3 years now...he is not making much progress..his house is a beautiful shrine...even the little dog stands guard over and around anything of his wife's... There was some fun and good times but the aloneness just hangs in the air..this was my second Christmas without him though he is not gone two years...it just sucks.
Mimi, it's always good to hear from you. I'm glad you're off the Sertraline and that you came off gradually. Your doctor seems to be a good one. The paIn really will soften with time. Hang in there, kid.