Mary, so sorry for the loss of your husband. The ultimate victory is his...he is free of the AD prison that had him shackled. Take some gentle care of you now....prayers!
Mary, I am so sorry for your loss. You were such a caring, loving caregiver. I hope that knowledge gives you peace and comfort in the days and weeks ahead.
I'm So glad I was able to keep him home until the end. He looked so lost when he went for respite during our February power outage.
Today daughter #1 and I went to the funeral parlor this am. Since lunch daughter #2 and I packed up about 10 bags of clothes for Purple Heart to pick up next Tuesday. The Durable Medical Equipment company came about 3 to get their hospital bed, table and oxygen generator. Now I can put the bedroom back in order. Keeping busy keeps me from thinking too much.
Just back from Maui and the service. Had to leave for there early because of the crazy weather, it was quite stressful to drive that dangerous highway but we made it. I had his ashes with me and there would be no service without us. . The memorial was surreal, Hawaiian, large, beautiful. The two best things were....all the people especially the old hugged me and thanked me for taking care of Dado, and his family was supportive. The second thing was the very beautiful flag ceremony with the two soldiers. And..the abundance of tropical flowers.
I will go back and read more of this thread tomorrow. I need to know more on grief. I hate to say this. I do not want to make anyone feel awful. but the only word I can describe what is happening to ME now, is the word BRUTAL. I know he is gone, likely in a better place. But I miss his little face so much, his smooth skin, his eyes following me. It is almost too much.
Yes Mary keeping busy is real important to ward off to much musing. For me it is attacking the weeds.
Coco, brutal seems a very apt description to me (as if your gizzards have been ripped out of you) but it will become more bearable with time. The service sounded very fitting, for such a good man as Dado. Hang on to whatever you can, Coco and just keep on living until you are alive again. Much love, cassie.
Here it is, the day I have dreaded all year long...11 Aug 2014..I can't believe how fast this year has passed by..it feels more like my Ozzie has been gone only 4 months at most, not a full year. I was not able to get to the cemetery today but will in the next few days. I got several supportive calls, card, flowers and a dinner last night by some very good friends so we could toast Ozzie...he is missed by so many. But the family made it..we survived the crushing year...but I am not so sure when things will " get better"...
Coco, I have been thinking about you. I know the service must have been beautiful. I pray that you can find peace in your heart.
I am just now starting to be hit with the depression of it all. When DH passed, it was just 9 days before Christmas and it seemed that time just swept me along. DD was still here and I needed to be mindful of my emotions around her. Now that she is getting married in less than two weeks, the thought of being by myself is overwhelming. I try so hard to keep happy thoughts in my mind and heart but getting harder to do as the wedding gets closer.
Yes, Coco, grief is brutal. It is the hardest thing I've ever gone through and no way to get out of it. I was angry when right after Frank died someone told me it would get better but the person was right. I guess better may not be quite right. Maybe the pain gets duller is the way it is with me. I prayed for you on The day as I watched the weather for your state. I'm sure the beauty reflected your love for Dado. I was told at Grief Share to lean in to grief and I did and do. When I feel like crying I let her go! It really does help me. Thoughts and prayers for you. Mimi - anniversaries are hard and for me it is really sad because my dh died on our son's birthday. I've told him though we will remember Frank of course but his birth day was so special to us we will celebrate and remember all the fun and good times he shared with his dad.
Coco, When I see your name in this blog, I open it to read it, as you are my roll model. I have tried to cut back on my addiction to this blog, as a source of comfort, as I just can't seem to find my own world to live in...alone. Your relationship seemed so close to mine, even in the end, as I held him in his hospital bed. It's been over a year and a half, and his loss is still so strong. I have been blessed with a grandchild. I have enjoyed my son marrying his true love, on the beach just recently, and honeymooned off to an island. All so wonderful, and at the same time bittersweet. My guy isn't here to share these life important moments, and I need him to be.
My heart was broken when I returned from the wedding, sneaking a peek into this blog, only to find out about your loss. I want to share your pain, and make it well, but no one can. Everyone will share well intended advise, about it taking time, and letting yourself cry, and so forth. It is all true. But, honestly, not for awhile. Sweet lady, you will to have to allow yourself to feel this awful hurt for some time. Yes, you will find yourself involved in a busy duty or such, and will also laugh and actually enjoy some. Out of nowhere, you will feel it again, and fall apart. Glad to say these episodes grow further and further apart, and you will be able to feel your Angel with you, and still smile. Know he is there, and let him be proud that you are making the most of the life you have, as he would want you to... (key words) “He would want you to.”
Please know that my heart feels for you, and I wish you all the strength and support you can find. Please focus on your own well being, and love yourself as you have loved your Dado. Hugs...
janny* maybe no one can share our pain or make it better or go away faster, but they can sure make it more understandable, and touch our hearts so much. I love the note from you so much, and I love you.
I look forward to the time when I can come on here and say, "I MADE IT!!" When I can say, "Yes I still hurt, but it is bearable and I can smile again". I know yes I know he wants that. It is really just about MISSING them, isn't it? I lost my sister and my dad in these past 3 years, and though I was sad and miss them too, I hope it is not hurtful to them to say, it does not feel ANYTHING like losing my sweet Dado.
Funny on the still being able to laugh sometimes, and act "normal" It happens, just like you said. Then the grief closes in again, and the excruciating work of accepting it.
Sometimes, I try to remember something negative about him, that he was not perfect, (but darn close), so that it can ease my suffering a bit. Silly me, I try to plan just how long it is going to go on. Yet some little voice in me, when I feel like I cannot live anymore, that it is just too too sad, a little voice comes to me and says "it is going to be allright"
And I wish that for all of us. What special people are here at Joan's.
I have been reading through this thread from the beginning. Frankly, I am scared. Most everyone is having such a tough time. And knowing that it could get tougher, I just can't bear that. I hope I can be like the some that have been able to accept it quicker and not be so traumatized.
I fear the pain each time. But I let it come, and even encourage it by holding a photo of Dado in his last day, his sick eyes looking into my sad ones. I let it come and rip my heart out each morning so I can get through the day.
Even though we know, we know, we know, that it had to be, that we were "lucky" to be there, it is just so hard. My control freak tendencies tell me to move upward as quickly as possible. On a positive note, I do keep going out in the yard and doing weeding, weed whacking, light chainsawing etc. Just plodding on.
My dear friend June will be here on the 29th of this month, for three weeks. She is the one who was most supportive through all this and I hope I am not just a wreck when she is here.
one more thing, I do read other threads and my heart just goes out to you all. I do feel like an old timer now.
I have been trying for three years to get the picture of my beloved husband as he was the last month of his life OUT OF MY MIND. I want to remember him as he was BEFORE AD. I want the good and fun memories to come back. I suggest that if you truly want to get over the rip in your heart faster, then you will place the photos of him since he got AD in a special album, and replace them with a photo of the Dado you fell in love with and remember the good times so you can laugh through your tears. It helped me tremendously. I have an 8x10 of the two of us (before AD) that I keep in the den, and when I look at it, I remember that trip and the fun we had - and without crying now.
It has been over three years, and I am now getting on with my life better than before. I'm still traveling a lot (when away from home I don't think about it as much) and enjoy meeting new people and seeing new places. I also still work full-time (so I CAN travel!) and have finished redoing the interior of the house including fresh paint in every room, new furniture acquired over the three years, and finished the decluttering that had gathered during AD. Some of the spice here have sold their homes and moved closer to their children. My kids are too spread out, so I'm staying put for now. So I made the house my own. Not a shrine.
By the way, you can be out and about and something (you never know what) will trigger an instant memory and you will break down in tears. Accept it, wipe your eyes and keep moving forward. We are still alive, and our spice want us to live our lives, and not just despair over what we have lost. Only we can make ourselves happy. Only we can heal the hole in our hearts. But it is okay to grieve too. That is part of the healing.
Some of those old sayings that still exist are here for a reason - they were right! Hang in there! We are always here to give hugs! (Maybe I'll loan you my Harry Potter wand that I got at Diagon Alley at Universal Studios a few weeks ago and you can do magic too!)
Yeah...the picture thing. I am preferring old pics as, like Mary, I'm trying to reconnect with the memories of healthy Jeff, not the diminished dying Jeff. Unlike many, who expressed their active grief on this forum during the period of their spouse's decline (a healthy response, no doubt,) I repressed and dissociated as a survival mechanism.
Today, in sorting through a desk drawer as part of a big get-ready-to-sell-the-house project, I came upon stack of photos from the time he was in a geriatric psych ward getting meds regulated. They did not break my heart so blatantly at the time they were taken, because I was dissociated...but now they do. I can't believe how that was. I can't believe what we went through. I don't know if I WANT to go there or not...but I do guess, in my case, there's something to be said for facing the feelings.
I don't even have any pictures taken in the last 7 years when he was starting to decline. I want to remember the good years. My favorite is still the one that is with his obituary. It is really both of us, taken on the Queen Mary 2 in 2004. Those are the memories I want to keep. Sure, they bring tears to my eyes, but it sure better than the picture in my mind of his last 12 hours.
I am planning to get on with my life. I have told my daughters for months that when this was over I was going to take them on an Alaska cruise. This week we have picked the ship and the date. Its too late to book it for this year but it will be June 7th 2015.
I also am planning to do something in the Caribbean this winter, possibly with my sister. I will see her in a few weeks so we will plan something. If she can't go I may go with a good friend I have known for 40 years. We and he and his wife have been getting together for years. She died about 5 years ago, but we still keep in touch. He lives in Minnesota but winters in Bradenton Florida. Who knows, maybe I'll do 2 cruises, one with my sister and one with Ed.
I feel guilty for feeling glad it is over, but on the other hand I lost the Ron I knew years ago and am glad he is released from his prison.
I guess I am "moving on". When DH died, I, like Mary above, was glad he was released from his prison. He was my best friend and we had a wonderful marriage. I put my house up for sale in Feb., and it has sold. Closing next week. Have sold all my furniture -all 8 rooms of it! Since I have no family near I will be moving further south where my only sister and her kids and grandkids live - and she is not in good health. It will be a challenge -I will be renting a 2/2 apartment in a senior citizens complex, which is very nice.
No, this is not what I expected to be doing at this stage of my life, but I do still have all the good memories of our life together. We had a great love and I will always cherish that.
Coco, I am closing in on three years for Gord. I think I have moved on in some ways but not in others. I am still paralyzed about throwing out things or giving them away. Many years ago, I bought my first ever bedroom suite. A day or two before it arrived, Gord decided that his large, rolling red toolbox needed to come in. I attempted to change his mind but that never worked. Not when he was well or when he wasn't. That thing remains in the bedroom. I unlock it and take a few things out and then lock it up and walk away. I think I am at the point that I can go into it and get rid of stuff and it. I am just thinking though. On a humourous note...when Gord came home from rehab in 2011, they warned me to lock up all the knives. I had been making his collection of knives disappear over the months but it was especially critical as he had attempted to stab a nurse in rehab. I thought I had all of them. A few months ago when I made one of my attempts to empty the toolbox, I almost fainted when I saw the knife that had been there all along. It is a vicious looking thing with about an 8 inch blade. Oh my God.
Hang in there Coco. It will improve. I believe that we are fundamentally changed by this disease and our being caregivers. It was a difficult journey and we need time to heal from that as well as time to grieve.
Coco - my heart goes out to you as I was in such pain when my dh died. I don't give any advice because everyone has to deal in their own way but I will tell you that I never look at recent pictures of my dear one. He didn't look at all like the one "before". I do play a slide show on my computer of pictures from his memorial service. They are of the active, intelligent, tireless man - my lover, companion and confidant not the person he became when VAD overtook him. In the days right after I cried the entire time but now I remember where and the circumstances when the pictures were taken. Great memories with a wonderful man who shared his life with me and made mine worth living. Grief is hard - can't get around it. hugs from one who understands.
thank you all so much for the recent comments. I have now put away his "sick" photo, and just look at his smiling one in his better days. It has been one month today, and I think, even though I feel a bit guilty, that I am making a wee bit of progress. It still hurts SOOOO bad, but less frequency , not constant. I have tried to tell myself over and over that it was for the best, even though I was not ready or did not expect it so soon.
I tell myself he is free, and that he wants me to continue to love him but not miss him so bad. That though I feel empty and feel like my sense of purpose is gone, it is OK, I do not have to be helping anyone but myself at this time.
For the ones that are facing the most horrible moments of your life, losing your beloved mate, I want to say-it will be almost unbearable, physical, heart wrenching and deep, but, after one month I can breath again. I want to LIVE, don't forget, change for the good, but LIVE with hope again. It will come. Thank you all so much for your encouraging words, it is just that I was gleaning only pain. You have shown me that there is hope.
Like Coco's post above, it has been one month today for me. I have my good moments and my bad moments. I have suddenly started to feel like an old lady. I felt better physically 2 weeks ago than I do now. Maybe all the struggles to change diapers, sheets and the like kept me going, and now though my back is better, I feel worse. I am getting to Curves 3 times a week now, where before it was hit or miss.
I pull out the photo albums and try to remember the good times we had on trips. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it just makes me cry.
Coco and Mary...you are strong women who will make it through these difficult times. I have not earned my * yet but I know the worst is yet to come. Be kind to yourselves...you have a lot of healing to do after your years of caregiving and sadness.
It's 4 years for me. The strangest things trigger memories of the 'before' days. I drove a long distance to my daughter's house. Bill was always the main driver. Along the way I saw the place where he used to work, the buildings he used to remark about as we drove passed them. Occasionally I drive near the final facility where Bill died. Still breaks my heart. Just came back from Ohio where I saw the grandson Bill never got to meet and the baby he once held in his lap now a very grown up eight year old.
I spent all of last evening dozing in the same overstuffed chair that I had sat in five years ago, holding Frances's hand as her breathing became shallower and shallower, and finally just stopping at about 4:15 a.m. on August 31st 2009 -- just three days before what would have been out sixtieth wedding anniversary. I sat there last night because I wanted to be reminded again how gracefully she had handled the whole AD journey to her death -- always sweet, never a behavior problem. Instead of holding her hand last evening I held her pink digital wristwatch that my son had given her and that she was so proud of. She'd look down at her watch and then ask, brightly, "What time do you have?" That, and another question, "Do you watch Jeopardy?" were the two cards that she liked to play to show that she was still one of us -- not just a nobody who didn't know anything. I miss her lots, and especially today.
Gourdchipper, you honored your beloved Frances in her life and after life. What a wonderful tribute to her and such a touching story. I am in tears. May you be comforted knowing she is free from this horrible disease.
Gratefulness to all of your posts, it helps so much. Today is 6 weeks since Dado passed. I have a friend here from Canada now, a true friend, for a few weeks. She helps my soul tremendously. I am not sobbing as much now, not near as much. Thank God. I will always miss my true beloved, and hope that I never have to experience that loss and pain again. yet all in all, I think I am doing quite well.
Good to hear from you Coco and I'm glad you have your friend with you. Sometimes leaning on friends keeps us connected to the world. Take good care of yourself.
elizabeth* 9/2/14 I have been logging on to the discussion boards and realizing I don't have a thing to contribute. I can't make myself care about meds and poop and all that anymore--I just keep thinking about the happy times, and the beautiful services we had for him in the Heartland and back in NY on 9/5 and 9/8. Then I just realized there is a thread for us--the ones who have stars after our names. This is where I need to be now--I wondered where some of you had gone, like Mary in PA and Coco. I am OK for awhile--holding up well through the day for the most part--but if I look at his toothbrush or his razor, or smell his Old Spice deodorant, I just start crying. And I get pretty hysterical in the evenings…it's like, well, OK, I've been gallant and strong all day, but now the shadows are closing in, it's time to go to bed, and I Want My DH!!! Last week I would keep jumping up thinking it was time for his meds or something, and two nights ago I woke up fully awake from sleeping because I thought I heard him call me. The medical equipment is gone, and my bedroom and the bathroom are now neat and organized again, but I placed several photos of him and/or him and me on top of the dresser, with the folded American flag (I have to get the display case) and the crucifix from his casket. There is a nice Pieta that was given to me, too. I think it came with the casket. I just can't stand being without him. I know he was way too old for me, and we dealt with all the Alzheimers issues for a long time. But it was true love, it really really was. (Yes, I sound like a ditsy teen--and I'm 64.) I keep thinking of all the good times we had, and how we made the most of it every single day. Intellectually, because of the age difference (25 years) if nothing else, I knew this time was bound to come. But emotionally I'm not prepared--I don't see how it would be possible to prepare--, and it is a nightmare. I miss him so much, and every room I walk into has something of his…his WWII hats, his NYPD cap, magazines coming in the mail that were his subscriptions, his Bible and rosary next to the bed. I cannot start emptying drawers and closets yet. Nope, can't do it. How stupid is that…like his tee shirts in his top drawer are really going to make me feel better. But they do.
Elizabeth, just "hang in there". It is all we can do and things will get better, I promise, if you work at "helping yourself". Nothing you can do will bring him back. Just not possible. He would not want you to continue grieving forever. Don't worry about cleaning out his things, if it bothers you. Nothing has to be done immediately. Take your time and be thankful you are still alive and breathing and don't have alzheimer's. We all hope and pray we will never get this dreaded disease that we all know so much about and have been up close and personal with our spouses. You are still young and have a lot of years ahead of you so make him proud of you until you can be together again some day. Blessings.
Elizabeth listen to Lois (above). It is over 4 years for me and I have yet to empty all the drawers of my husband's stuff. I have plenty of room for my own stuff. If our kids want anything of his they are welcome to it. If they don't-well they can just deal with it when I'm gone.
elizabeth* 9/2/14 I am just spending today quietly at home, other than walking across the road to take my walk through the woods. I want to go to Mass, but just can't quite face putting on an outfit and jewelry and being "out there" with so many people around. I will watch a Mass on TV today instead. The house is pretty much straightened up, with the last of the mounds of laundry finally done. I think I can get by without grocery shopping until tomorrow, and also tomorrow I start caring for the grands again, and doing dinner for all of us. I'll be picking up the three-year-old at preschool at 1 pm, and then getting the five and seven-year-olds off the school bus at my house, and supervising homework, piano, doling out snacks, etc. until I take them back to their house around the corner at 5:30 pm when DD gets home.(S-i-l has an erratic work schedule--comes in whenever.) I will start dinner up there, and may or may not eat with them…I have not decided that. I think I'd rather put my food in a container and just come back to my house to eat. Their dinnertime is such a zoo--few expectations for the children's behavior--and DH and I always respected dinner, and sat down at the table together all those years. I think I'd like to eat by myself and think about him, at least for the meantime. I start missing him more in the evenings, and don't want to "lose it" too much around the kids. I tidied up the den where he sat all day and evening--put some fresh flowers in there that a relative had sent--and just looked at "his" couch and came unglued. Cried and cried, I missed him so much lying on that couch with "his" pillows the way he liked them, and "his" afghan that he always covered up with. I re-arranged the den a little--put the afghan over a different chair, and arranged the pillows differently--moved "his" end table to a different place--so at least I can sit in there now without getting hysterical. I hung more pictures of him in our bedroom.
I'm hardly one to give advice. My husband unexpectedly died more than two years ago. After 8 dx years of FTD, after he lost everything, career, goals, control, mobility. I'm not where I want to be, where I expected to be; where I hope I'd be.
It sounds like you are going for a combination of being active and being autonomous. It just struck me so positively- if you don't want to go to Mass today- your decision, if you don't want to stay with your daughter and grand-children for dinner- your decision. Re-arrange or comfort yourself with his pillows and afghan; little ways of saying yes to your inner voice.
We, as spouses, lost so much control over the course of the disease. I, at least, lost what seems to be all power. Your post called out to me and I just want to send you wishes of comfort and support.
Elizabeth*, you've touched my heart and soul...all I can say is do what makes you the happiest during these difficult days. You come first and as abby* says, "comfort yourself...and say yes to your inner voice." Wise advice from someone who truly understands. Also sending you comfort and support.
elizabeth* 9/2/14 Thank you everyone. I am going to go back and read this thread from the beginning…so that will take awhile. I apologize to Mary in PA and to Coco for not being more supportive when Dado and Frank died, but it was right during the time when my DH was unravelling, and I was a little crazed. (Obviously 2014 has not been the best of years for the three of us.) I am putting a lot of personal care products--the Hospice stuff--out in the rubbish tonight. But I just can't seem to part with his toothbrush, comb, Old Spice deodorant, and razor.Or any of his clothes yet. I'm actually going to keep his razor for myself. And I've purloined his favorite hooded sweatshirt that he used to wear all the time. It was a Father's Day gift this June, so should last me a long time. I have four book reviews due tomorrow, so will try to polish them up and email them to my editor. They were done in draft before DH died, and I've touched them up a little bit, so I'm hoping I can have them perfect for tomorrow. They aren't too hard to do--just one page each, but it isn't fair to the authors not to do a good job.
Elizabeth* - I truly do understand what you have shared. I could have written about the same thing and may have but you can see my * was added almost two years ago. Grief is the hardest thing I've ever been through and it continues but in a different way. Someone told me when Frank died "it gets better". It really made me mad at the time - but she was right. Maybe not better just easier to live with. Giving clothes and possessions away have been gradual and there still remains many things. I have found having our wedding picture that I found in a drawer out in my bedroom has brought comfort. I look at that young couple and recall many events that took place in the 60 years 6 months God allowed us to have together and give thanks that I was so blessed. Your days seemed filled with family and responsibilities but remember Elizabeth is number one and allow yourself to do what You want to for a change. Hugs to you.
Elizabeth, Like you, I apologize to Mary in PA and Coco. I have read all the postings, and sometimes there is nothing I cannot say that has not been said by others. I truly feel for all of you. Elizabeth, I am not walking in your shoes, but my DH is in LTC, and failing. My SIL felt that, because of the hours I spend with DH per day, and the care I've tried to give, that I should have a quiet, organized, peaceful place to come home to at night. He's painted the whole apartment, and done so many things to 'lighten the load'. I ordered on canvas, photos of DH and my happy times ... when we were dating, our honeymoon, the good days, etc., and they are hung on the walls of our bedroom (first thing I see in the morning, and last thing at night)l They are on our bedroom walls, and in the computer room, where I take care of things. For me, it brings him to close to me ... I feel that he is with me, and it gives me comfort. I love him so much, and this reminds me of our happy days.
elizabeth* 9/2/14 Well, it has been two weeks and four days. The house looks nice with all the medical stuff gone, and our bedroom set up with lots of pictures of us in better days. It is a real comfort to go in there at night and kiss his pictures before I go to sleep--and I do sleep well. It's been years since I really had nights of unbroken sleep in a dark room (had to have a strong nightlight for when he tried to get up at night)…and I think my body is trying to catch up on sleep. The first couple of nights I slept lightly and fitfully--I think my system was just so regulated to be listening for him and to being used to not sleeping well. Now I sleep seven or eight hours, and still want to snooze a little in the afternoon. I think I am just recovering from the physical exhaustion, and it's going to take awhile. I find babysitting the grandchildren for around 20 hours per week is very tiring, but I think it's basically good for them and good for me, as long as I don't over-do it. I have been in physical pain for two weeks from a wax impaction in my ear--that ear has been bothering me for 21 months, and I just ignored it because of home care responsibilities and being out-of-state. I started seeing a primary doctor here in the Heartland around 10 days ago--she couldn't get the wax out, so I'll go to an ENT on Monday for the roto-rooter. I'm scheduled for a physical on Oct. 13 with some bloodwork to be done just prior--so we'll see for the first time in four years or so what kind of shape I'm in. It will be interesting! If ear wax is my worst health problem after caring for DH all these years, I'll be very lucky, I guess. The weight is just sitting there for now--I gained forty pounds as his care became more of an ordeal--but I'm eating healthy and exercising daily, so I'm hoping it will just kind of melt off as I get back to normal. I've always been one of those people trying to lose the last 10 lbs., but didn't ever have bonafide obesity problems until caregiver hell started. I'm just taking it easy as much as possible--not "shoulding" on myself right now--just enjoying the moments. Thinking of him constantly, and our life together…focusing much more on the happy memories than on these worst recent days, months, and years. Today I am going to finish getting the acknowledgment cards out to all the people who sent sympathy and Mass cards, flowers, and who made donations to the Alzheimers Association in his memory. I have just one book review to polish and send in, too--my editor extended my deadline, God bless her.
Elizabeth, you are a very strong woman. I am glad you are sleeping better and the "after" is not horrible. I so admire you and all the others who have lost spouses.
elizabeth* 9/2/14 Just wanted to comment quickly that all the aches and pains in my arms and shoulders have disappeared. Also that while my knees are still a little stiff, I don't have any more foot, knee, or hip pain. I just assumed it was arthritis, and didn't even bother mentioning it--but I think it's pretty obvious that all the difficult transfers and lifting were taking a huge toll on me physically. He used to stand on my feet all the time, and would just go dead weight and hang off of me--he seemed to lose all sense of how to coordinate with the person doing the transfers and lifting--the aides commented on it, too. They said we all had to be careful--that he could hurt us by always seeming to use his body the wrong way. It's nice to not have all those achy-painy hurty twingy feelings anymore.
OH, Elizabeth, I sure can relate to having all the aches and pains disappear. My guy was bedridden but I still had to roll him multiple times some days when the sheets and pads all got wet. The hospice aide did her thing in the morning but the bed got wet at other times of the day. I tried to be careful of my back as I have had trouble with it for years. When people asked me how I was doing after he passed, I told them my back said "Thank-you, Thank-you".
elizabeth* 9/2/14 Well, I am still working…and working…and working…on my acknowledgement cards. I don't know why in the world it is taking me so long. It was hard to get started on them and it is hard to make myself sit down and do them. It just seems like when they are finished and mailed…and that last flower in that last floral arrangement has faded and died…that my last tangible connections with him will be gone. It's silly, I know. I find myself going into the bedroom and touching the things on the dresser that were connected to him--the crucifix and the flag from the casket. Like the crucifix touched the pall, and the pall touched the casket, and the wood touched the lining, and the lining touched him. So if I touch the crucifix, I'm still physically connected to him. Yes, I sound like an obsessed weirdo, and I'm really not. But I still kiss his pictures goodnight, and give his head a little pat in his confirmation picture where he's only thirteen. And if I try to sort through a closet, I just find myself holding his jacket…for one example…and hugging it like it was him. And sniffing his Old Spice deodorant, to be able to smell that Old Spice fragrance from him. Oh,oh---crying again. I've known since 1995 that any relationship with him would be likely to end like this because of the 25 year age difference….wouldn't you think I would be more stoic about this? I can't remember ever being so emotional about anything in my life as I am about his death. And it was a good death, at the end…for him. Not for me, of course, that's for sure. From my arms to God's hands…how could I be sad about that? But I just miss him so much. He always thought that I would be a young widow and remarry some day after he was gone. What a ridiculous thing for him to say to me.
I understand elizabeth* I still have DH last teeshirt that he had on. His shaving lotion. His robe. And his ashes. I am not ready to part with him yet. I miss him so much.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve for our loved ones....embrace your feelings...if you need to cry, do so. And take the time you need to keep or get rid of the things that remind you of your loved one. Grieving is unique to everyone and every situation; as are our memories, and our memories many times will get us through our days. Yesterday would have been George and my 37th anniversary....and of course I remembered the day we married, feeling sad and missing him. But I kept myself busy, and continued my clean up efforts in our cluttered basement. As I was going through one of the boxes, I came across a little envelope which on the outside was an ad for Ed's Warehouse...a favorite restaurant in Toronto (where we went on our honeymoon)....inside were ticket stubs from a play we had seen, our hotel receipts, and receipts from Casa Loma (a lovely castle) and some of the restaurants we had gone to those many years ago! George had saved them as souvenirs; when I found them I felt as if he had wanted to let me know that he remembered our anniversary....it made me smile, and laugh with tears in my eyes. It was so comforting to feel his presence. So blue, when you say "I am not ready to part with him yet", it is my belief that you don't have to...ever....keep him with you in your heart as you go on with your life. In time you will go on, and you will be stronger after having survived this horrible dementia experience.
elizabeth* 9/2/14 Last night I could not sleep until I put on his jacket over my nightgown and slept in it all night. It was so comforting. But I cried myself to sleep, of course. Now I am determined to go put those acknowledgement cards in the mail. People who were wonderful should get a thank you, whether I'm a basket case or not.
Aloha everyone. Checking in with you all. It is so good to read about grief...elizabeth how lovely you continue to post as it has been so soon since you lost your beloved. It really helps to see those postings, I wish I could write more as I know it helps others here. So here I am today.
This statement from you Elizabeth, so simple and yet so deeply true...."I can't remember ever being so emotional about anything in my life as I am about his death." Me too. I lost my sister, and my Father, these past few years, and though it was sad it just did not grab me like losing Dado. My friend was just here visiting from Canada for 3 weeks, and it was like a finger in the dyke when she was here. I did not cry much and I almost thought I had gotten through the worse.
Then the dyke broke when she left last week. It was about as bad as the first month. (Wednesday made two months since the angels took him.) I cried non stop for 5 days, and only today am I coming up for air, thank God as I could barely take anymore.
It was a simple thing that helped alot. I had been picturing the day he died, it was tearing me up thinking of the suffering he had to endure. Then, she said, "Dado died know he was loved very much" And that helped, it made me think also that not everyone has someone that loves them so. I saw all the kisses and hugs and care , and laying in bed with him holding him in my arms, and my heart warmed.
A ton of love and aloha to each and everyone one of you here. Too many names. Just all of you.
Elizabeth*, You are NORMAL!!! Yes the aches and pains do subside as will other physical symptoms of anxiety and fatigue. When it comes to the letters etc..I just wanted to get the social obligations done. I was now staring down the barrel of the legal matters which were more worriesome for me...just such an unknown...but made it through that too with the help of good, albiet costly attorney..but worth not having to face it all alone. Then the house got quiet until Tax time...now what? Well as luck had it, the April 15 taxes were due and coincided with the time frame his estate taxes had to be in...God is good!!!
Now for the household things, This is where it is sticky....I can't bring myself to deal with anything of his in terms of donations yet..I have given the kids some things and will give them more...but like you...those coats...
I gave DH a teddybear for Valentines day..It is a small one. actually I gave us the bears..his is dark ( he was Mexican American and I am Irish so mine is white) and I take his to bed with me..just tuck it by my pillow..only now my kitty has taken a liking to it.
The first dip of the toe doing anything about anything he did has been in the yard...I had to take out the driveway..it was disintergrating, and put in a new one but in the process I had to let go the paver work he did....I guess it is the first step in " letting go". But like you and so many others, I talk to his pictures, play scrabble on my iPhone with him as the challenger etc..I can't let him go either and it has now been 13 months.