I haven't thought about commenting on this site for a long time, but imagine there are some of you out there who remember me. Hank died 8/2008 - how could it have been that long ago? Those of you who remember me know that Hank and I started living full time in our motorhome in April, 2006. Now, 8 years later I am still content to roam around and have visited a few of you! I can definitely say there IS "life after death' in that I am for sure alive and finding much to do and enjoy. I have simplified my life by travel in a 24' motorhome and don't even have a tow vehicle. I now have taken Red Cross disaster training and am a part of a group who can respond in our travel rigs. It seems a perfect fit for my lifestyle, though I haven''t been near enough to a current crisis to be practical, I expect that to happen sometime. My rig boasts a sticker "Home is where you park it" - right now Portland, Oregon and tomorrow back to Astoria, the last place we lived all those years past.
Hi frand. So good to hear from you. I joined this site in 2008 and I remember well when your DH passed away. It doesn't seem that long ago. Keep posting because we all need to hear that there is life after this and it sounds like you're living it.
By the way, my DH is still home and I'm still a full time caregiver but I usually read this thread. I'm reading the book "A Curious Kind of Widow" and I can sure relate.
It is amazing what happened to me when I took the financial plunge and had the interior of my house repainted! The painter came in after I left for work, did one room a day, and moved everything, painted and put it back the way I had it and stored his supplies on my carport - the house looked like he hadn't been there, except that the walls and ceilings were done! No stress for me, and when he finished, it has felt so wonderful to see the change! It feels like a new house! And the only time I lifted my hand was to write the check! It was worth every penny. The painter was recommended to me by a close friend, who told me how trustworthy he was and what a great painter he was. She was right! <grin>
After three years (or will be on June 8th), I think I'm finally getting back to the old me with improvements! More patience, more realizing that most things really don't matter in the long haul, that what doesn't get done today can get done tomorrow, and that I am more grateful each day that I am still here, and in good health, and have great friends (a lot from here!). I think that it takes each of us a different amount of time to recover from what AD put us through. I am so very happy for those who have moved on, for those who have found someone else to love and share the rest of their lives with. And for those like me - who have moved on but are choosing to be single.
I asked a friend the other day if I was odd because I still have no desire to have a date or even think about someone else in my life. She said that it just wasn't my time yet...It may yet happen...or not!
I am enjoying my life again and that is a great beginning.
So happy for you, Mary. Just a change of the right kind can make such a difference and having a "fresh coat of paint" helps us all. Hope your life continues to be to your liking the not so good past becomes a distance memory and the good times are recalled.
I have had a tiny taste of that..I had the electrics done in the kitchen, new fixtures and had it painted. I just got the new blinds by Hunter Douglas and love them. Now I want to add more recessed lighting in the breakfast area and in the laundry room. My priority is go have the driveway done...I long for pavers and tomorrow will make the calls for estimated. My struggle right now makes me tired...it has been weeks of sorting out papers of all kinds and most important papers. It has taken forever to blend my style of filing with what Hubby had done. His version was really good until he stopped keeping it up so I have several years to contend with and I have found some nice surprises along the way but.....I am ready to move on from this chore which I hope to finish by the end of the next couple of weeks. I need a holiday and have not had one for so long and just getting past this part will allow me to do that. But an eye has to be kept on the $$$ until the driveway is done.
Depending on where you live, you should be able to find some things to enjoy through a website called "meetup.com." No, it isn't "hookup.com"! (hehe) After 9/11, a group of people who realized their neighbors that they had not known before liked to do similar things. It inspired them to create meetup.com as a way for people who like to do things to connect. It's for all people. For example, there's a group here in the north Dallas area that meets once a month at Fuddruckers to play spades. There are groups for just about anything, including Christian Single groups. Go figure!
Check it out as a resource for having someone to go do something with. I joined over 3 years ago and I am learning country western dancing by going to a place where there are free lessons. Since I am meeting a group of people there, it doesn't feel awkward (especially now that I have been doing it for 3 years!). True, the first few meetups were a little odd, but they are in public places doing things I like, including concerts, movies, and lots of otehr things.
I made it through today without much drama. It is 10 months today (11 June) that I lost Ozzie and it is our 37th Anniversary. It was odd to get up and not have an exchange of cards or go out to dinner to celebrate. But a good friend from back home called this morning and my brother sent a dozen roses to mark the day. I was with some friends today too so all in all, it was bittersweet but not as bad as my imagination seemed to think it might be.
Thanks, Blue* Learned to day we lost our grand-dog..Saga Ros. She was only 9 and was a retired drug sniffer dog. She is in Iceland. She developed some kind of liver problem and there was nothing that could be done for her. She was a big black lab and a sweeter one there never was. Loved cats..her best friend was her kitten named Mikey. At times Mikey thought Saga was his mommy!! That was a funny site to behold...WE lost her today the 12th.
I have just returned from the ALF where my 92 yr old sister lives. She has fallen five times in the past month. Four of those were ER trips because she hit her head. Of course I'm at the ER with her every time which if we are lucky only lasts 4 hours but sometimes much more. Amazing that she has had no broken bones. Today she was very weak and slipping away, I think. I cannot wish for her to linger as her legs are hurting her all the time her face very puffy probably from congestive heart failure. She is to the point now I think that her brain no longer tells her feet to walk. She moved to our town about the time dh was slipping into dementia from many strokes so I had both to care for until his passing 18 months ago. Friends, I am exhausted! I have not complained to anyone but I know folks here will understand that I willingly help her and the same with my dh but my 81 year old body has about had it. She is more than ready to leave this life behind and enter the next. Thanks for letting me share my burdens.
Florence, I am sorry you must still watch your loved ones suffer. You certainly deserve some pleasant days just for yourself. I will keep you and your sister in my prayers.
An update on my sister. her b/p was 70/40 Monday a.m. so she was taken to the ER again and this time admitted to the hospital. I spent just about every minute with her for four days because I didn't like the lack of care she was getting. She was so agitated she was unable to keep her feet still. It looked like she was riding a bicycle all the time. I finally asked if they could get the doctor to give her syriquile (sp) which gave her some rest and me too. I did come home at night to sleep a few hours. My family helps when they can but my daughter is taking chemo so feels yuk most of the time and one son works out of town and my other son and dtr-in-law live in another town they help when they can. Sister has been moved to skilled care and is some improved. Now my decision to make this permanent and go on into their long term care if she improves more. I have to decide by the 1st to give the required 30 days notice to the ALF. This means I'll be paying over $4000. for her empty apt. The new place is $6000+. Medicare will pay for 100 days then 75% for 30 more I think. Having to make these decisions alone is difficult so I go over and over in my mind when I should be sleeping. She does have some funds and then I'll just have to do it myself. Then I think she may not out last her funds. Such is life! thanks for the place to vent.
Hello! I have not posted here in a long time, however, I am weighing something on my mind and thought I would seek your opinions. My husband passed away 3 years ago this October. After so many years being a care giver, I enjoyed my freedom. I was married to my high school sweetheart for 43 years, and kind of still feel married, just with no spouse. Now, I find myself at 64 years old, lonely. Maybe, it would be nice to have a conversation, dinner or a movie with someone of the opposite sex. I have actually, checked the website "Our Time" for gentlemen in my area. Any opinions?
Very nice to hear from you again, Kadee*. I've often thought of you and wondered how you were. I remember you were the one who started the thread, 'Where are you from?" and often gave us tallies. (Do I remember correctly?) As to your question: you are still a young woman and have much life yet to enjoy. With the right man, you have a good chance of being happy and making someone happy. Whatever you do, I send you my best wishes.
Hi Kadee, you were the first to respond to me many moons ago, lovely to see your name pop up. Do go ahead with some new things in your life, you sound like you are ready. And dinners and conversations (or whatever) sound like a good start to me. All the very best to you. (And Mary, Kadee used to keep a tally of our ages.)
Kadee, good to see you back. I check in occasionally also. My husband passed 4 years ago and I encourage most single widows/widowers to involve themselves with others and let friends know you would be interested in meeting available single men/women. I joined three of the online dating sites a couple of years ago and found most men are interested in younger women. I am 76. But it was a fun experience that lasted about 3 months before I gave up on that. 9 months ago, a friend asked me if I would be interested in meeting a single widower from her Church. Long store short, a couple of weeks later, he rang my doorbell. We clicked right away, have been seeing each other almost daily ever since. Neither of us are interested in marrying. He has his home and I have mine - and we each cherish having our own place. For myself, checking with friends was the best way to meet someone. I wish you luck. You are younger than myself and your field will be broader. Go for it girl!!
Why not give "Our Time" a try? You have nothing to lose. Others have previously suggested joining a "meet-up" group where you would have common interests with other members. Of course friends who know you could probably make a god match because they would know what you're like and your interests. I say go for all and see what works out!
Kadee*, it's so good to hear from you! We have followed each other for a long, long time. You are 10 years younger than me - and you have a lot of living to do yet. Do what you feel is right for you and never look back. You will know when the time is right! Take care, Girl!
Thank you for checking back in, Kadee. I miss seeing your posts. I'm another one who would encourage you to find someone to share with. One of my older friends who remarried in her 70's said it is so nice to be number one with someone again. Even though my DH is still living, I can understand that statement. He no longer understands anything enough to have a reasonable conversation and I miss being number one with somebody.
Thank you so very much for your opinions. I am still praying and pondering on the idea. I always felt & still do, that I could express my thoughts on this forum, without being judged. Mary 75*, I did start the "Welcome New Members" and I did keep a tally of the ages of caregivers. Seems like a long time ago, and yet sometimes just like yesterday. Imohr* I am so happy for you. I pray every night for those who care for family members with dementia....such a devastating disease, that robs everyone in involved. Thanks again!
hi Kadee! so glad to see you are getting on with life. go for it, our spouses would want us to be happy if we find the opportunity! my best to you! divvi
I am among those loving again and loving it. It was the right thing for my life. It would not be right for everyone...there is something kinda great (once the journey is through) about living life on your own terms and not having to take the other's wants/needs into account. But like any major life decision--having kids, marrying, etc--we do not all hear the same calling, and I would never presume to make a recommendation for another.
I tried "Our Time" only for a month. It was close to my husbands birthday when I was feeling sorry for my loss. I did go out with someone that I found out had Parkinson's Disease. He was nice enough but I don't want knowingly enter a relationship where I could possibly be a caregiver again. I'm very busy with an upcoming wedding and another child moving cross county. My daughter has suggested I enjoy being "single" for awhile and that sounds like a good idea.
I've really had the most fun with my Meet Up and different single groups I've gotten involved in. I've only been a widow for 6 months and still trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.
>>I don't want knowingly enter a relationship where I could possibly be a caregiver again.<<
I feel the same. After the personal, psychological, professional trauma to ME with my husband's illness and death I am more than reluctant to experience that, or similar, again. I don't call this selfish, I call it acting in my own self interest.
Still, I envy those who have relationships but who maintain their own households. In the cards for me? I believe in a higher power and so don't think I control everything but at this time I enjoy most of controlling what I can.
I would be looking for a man in the 48-52 range. I have no way of knowing this, but guess that most in this age range are involved with children, maybe grandchildren. My husband and I (only marriage for each) had no children and I don't have anything to bring to bring to that table.
How nice to read that others have moved on to another life . I also check in on occasion to see who is doing what and with whom. It has been three years since my husband, Garv, died. I sold the big house, and moved clear across town to be near my daughter and her family. Can't say I'm thrilled with the hustle and bustle of such a busy area after living for 40+ years in quite surroundings, but this is more practical. It is hard to keep busy, but have started doing some volunteer work at the local main library, and it is interesting.
Sadness today as later I will have a care plan meeting for my sister who has been in the hospital one week and in rehab for three. The doctor told me yesterday that she is not capable of living in her apt. at ALF and will need to be in the long term care (nursing home). I think sister has enough understanding to know she is not able to go "home". Having to make decisions for others is such a responsibility. My dh didn't come to the stage where placement was necessary so I didn't have to decide for him. My son tells me now that it was close and they were going to strongly suggest it - but that didn't happen. I feel so down this a.m. This sister has been like a 2nd mom to me all my life. She was 11 when I was born so took care of the "baby" . We have always worn the same size and she handed me down some really fine "duds". She had the $$ and no kids - my dh was in college and we had two kids and very little money. She and her late husband vacationed with us many times. Just such a close relationship. I hope she has enough understanding to know I'm doing all I can. The doctor told me "I'll be the bad guy" when she has to be told. She doesn't have alz but her understanding sometimes is very lacking. She has been given anti anxiety meds because she has rubbed her ankles together until they bleed. so sad. I've been taking care of her for four years. She moved here from another state just before dh had the last stroke that really sent him into his own world. So I was caregiver for both for awhile. Now just another phase begins.
If the doctor says she is not capable of living alone and needs a NH a medical person needs to tell her that so you are not the bad guy. Sound like the two of you have a special relationship that needs to be preserved.
I am so sorry you are going through this with your beloved sister. I agree strongly with paulc. Every situation is unique. When my husband was moved from his last hospitalization to rehab to ALF he was told by the professionals.
From hospital to rehab he was told by the doc who was his hospitalist. I can't say enough good things about him. It was felt that I should not even be there because my husband who had anger issues would likely project his justified feelings of rage and powerlessness onto me.
Of course you know your sister best and you also have your other experiences as a guide for what is right for you. I have to echo paulc's last sentence. Sending you prayers at this difficult time.
Florence, Sorry to read about your sister's continued decline. I agree with paul and abby that it shouldn't be you who has to tell her the news about the nursing home. The doctor should tell her she simply can't go back to the assisted living. I know it is a sad, sad thing that she must face, but I am sure she will be comforted by your love and support. Florence, you have really had more than your share of grief - take care.
Thanks for your kind responses - what would I do without you? - My DIL who visits my sister regularly went with me to the patient evaluation meeting and to look at the available rooms. My sister showed very little interest in looking and choosing her room which wasn't surprising. At this point she is so feeble and I think given up so she was just so sad. I know if this comes to me I will probably feel the same. Just so sad. Now to finances this is so much more than she was paying. When the affordable care act was passed her policy that included long term care was canceled. Oh yes I protested loudly but somehow the policy didn't reach all the points that was in law so now after all the years of paying she has nothing from it. She is a WWII veteran so I am going to apply for that aid but am told it may take as long as a year. At this point she may not qualify because of her assets but at the sum per month it won't take long and I'm told that it can take many months for it to be processed. Current news would make that believable. My next door neighbor works for the VA and has given me some good advice on applying but he doesn't work in this department so can't do more than that. My sister just seems resigned to what is happening and told me just to do what I wanted with her things. I want to cry.
Florence, Just a note to say I am thinking about you. I know your strong connection to your sister makes this even more difficult to handle. We all hope this phase of life never comes to us. Maybe if it does, it is better to be "feeble" as you said, and not fully comprehend what is happening. I will keep you in my prayers that you find a way both emotionally and financially.
I never heard of a LTC policy that was tied to a health insurance policy. Has anyone else encountered this type of policy.
This is sad. When she is hit with something depressing like this you have to just do what you think will make her happiest. Hopefully you can set up the room, put up pictures, etc before she moves in so it can be as recognizable as possible.
Can the facility assist in applying for the VA benefits? They often help with Medicaid application process.
Don't be quick to do anything with her things if you can. If she feels better she might start requesting some stuff that isn't with her.
Well I never thought it would go so fast. Ron had been eating less the last couple weeks and yesterday ate very little. About 10 pm last night he started gurgling, having hiccups and big yawns. By the time the hospice aide arrived at 8:30 am he was gasping for air. Nurse arrived at 9 and said it was the beginning of the final countdown. Nurse was back by 12 and said it could last for days. Aide came back by 12:30 and we were cleaning him up again when at 1:05 he made 3 last gasps and was gone.
The hospice Social worker stayed here the rest of the afternoon until the funeral parlor came to pick him up about 4:30.
Mary, sending you my condolences and love. Will keep you in my prayers as you go though this difficult time. May you know the peace that you stood by him.
Mary may you find peace in the coming days and know he has found his. so sorry it was so fast but sometimes it is easier on you both in the long run. my sympathy, divvi
Mary, so very sad to read of your unexpected loss. May you find strength for the difficult days ahead. My most sincere sympathy to you on the death of your beloved husband.