I was sorry to read of Bob's passing. He was certainly too young to leave you. The months ahead will be especially difficult for you, but I am sure no matter where you travel or what you do, he will always be a part of you. Take care!
Belinda, I am so sorry to learn of your husband's passing. He was diagnosed at the same age as my husband and the same year. We're heading into our 6th year now.
I went lo check to see if my Tux still fit OK, or needed any alterations for an upcoming formal event. The Alzheimer's diet has accounted for significant weight loss. (My tux fit perfectly it's been a while since I've worn it. Pinned to the jacket was an envelope from Sue. She who knew I'd never be wearing it while she was still alive The outside said " For the love of my life. '
I'M FREE
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free I'm following the path G-d laid for me I too His hand when I heard him call'
I could not stay another day. 'To laugh, to love to work or play Tasks left undone must stay that way: I found that place at the close of day
If my parting has left a void, then fill it with remembered joy A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss; Ah yes, these things, I too will miss,
Be not burdened with times of sorrow, I wish you sunshine of tomorrow. My life has been full, I savored much Good friends, good time, a loved one's touch
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief; Don't lengthen it now with undue grief. Lift up your heart and share with me: G-d wanted me now. He Set ME Free
Charlotte when still lucid, Sue would frequently say, don't waste time mourning over me. go find another lady and make her as happy as you've made me. Reality: far easier said than done.
Her final SUEism my kids now describe her statements, still has our PCP talking about in. This took place after she had the MRI scan of her belly dx inoperable diffused cancer throughout her entire abdomen. (she declined Chemo when dx'ed) This coming from a woman who had not spoken a cogent sentence in probably two years. MD: Sue it's as bad as it can get we can't do anything but Hospice Care Sue to MD "Don't look so upset we only go round once and who has had it better than we have." We've had a great life! I thought he and I would drop to the floor. Every time I see him either socially or professionally he keeps bringing it up even calling associates over to tell them
Marty* your post had me in tears too. How beautiful and special that was. Having just lost Reno, and wondering how I'm going to go on, this is so inspiring to at least try to move on and give it my best. Thank you
Marty, What a courageous lady was your wife. My Ozzie had the same sentiment. He always said " if anything ever happens to me, I hope you will find another to love you. It will mean you had a great life with me and that marriage was wonderful for you." I appreciate his thought but finding someone to fill his military shoes would be pretty difficult. He was one of a kind..and he spoiled me rotten!
Jeff did tell me that. In a moment of clarity (and there were not many,) shortly after his diagnosis. I have moved on, not entirely without the second-guessing that we all do about our every alz-spousing decision. Mimi--what Ozzie said was right. My finding another IS absolutely a testament to how deeply I loved Jeff. It is only because I found being in relationship so fulfilling and meaningful, that I'm willing to do the work required to start life with another man.
This is not to say I'm recommending or endorsing that choice for anyone else. One thing is, you will not find someone to fill your beloved lost spouse's shoes, so to speak. It will be a completely different pair of shoes. And that's one of the challenges of a new relationship. That you have to remind yourself that it will not be the same. You're not covering up the raw painful places where your spirit got shredded with a new person who fits there. He/she won't cover those places. You still have to do the work of healing, and you will still be scarred. And it can be very emotionally confusing when some of the post traumatic stress you're harboring bubbles to the surface and takes some strange unexpected shape in your new relationship.
Someone posted an interesting comment on my blog, implying (if I interpreted it correctly) that by including happy stories in my blog, about things involving my new partner, as opposed to only discussing the pain of loss of my husband, that I'm somehow disrespecting Jeff's memory. The person posted anonymously, which was a little unfair, because I'd really enjoy having a discussion with him/her to ascertain just what he/she meant and present my point of view.
But I'm pretty comfortable that not too many of our spouses wished to drag us down. What would you have wanted? I think it's a better way of honoring your love for your spouse, and his/hers for you, that you do take what's left of your life and live it. This may not mean a new relationship, unless that's what you want. But it means engaging in life, finding things that delight you, making the most of breathing to the extent that you are able. Would he/she would have wanted any less from you?
I am redoing the house. And at times feel a bit of guilt. But then I think of what DH would have said if here. He would say "Is that what you want, then do it". And I am including items that were special to the both of us in each room. I am working on the bedroom now. It is going to be black and white. I have a print that I got for DH and he enjoyed so much, it is in black and white. That is the inspiration for the room. DH would want me to be happy.
I am glad we can find happiness, after such sadness. It is very much needed.
Emily, I think you and others here who have started new relationships are extremely brave, and certainly should not feel guilty. The person who told you "you were disrespecting your husband's memory" because you talk about feeling happy was way off base. You and every caregiver here has the right to feel happiness. In my opinion, it doesn't matter which choices a caregiver makes regarding "life after dementia" someone will always find something wrong with it. I agree, we must do what feels right for us, and not worry about how others perceive those decisions. Keep all those happy thoughts coming!
I have completely made our bedroom over. It's My bedroom, now. New bed, lamps and recently a recliner to go with the floor lamp my ds gave me at Christmas. It really helps when I go in there and don't see the "old" room that was ours. Sixteen months now, healing is slow and I fall apart sometimes unexpectedly but I'm getting there. Whatever works for a person go for it. I'm too old to even think of a man -- don't want to try to please anyone again. I had the best one for me and I'm thankful everyday for the 60 years of love and fun and companionship we were given.
Belinda - so sorry about your dear one passing. Thinking of you with love and hugs.
Emily, I went and read the Gestalt article and the anonymous post. I think while the element you picked is there, it's really a sideswipe by someone who resents others. I would say the main shot was at your wit heavy on the avarice.
People are entitled to their stupid opinions and it's cowardly to hide behind anonymous but they sometimes hit a nerve. It's right that only you be the judge of what is and what isn't truth as best we can discern. Not even your children should disuade you from choosing your own life and they are supportive which is as important as the fact that not everyone in the room will like you no matter what you do for them so sane people don't try to go that far.
I put it to you that even though that nerve would be sensitive, it is you that is living again which makes you happier, your partner happier, your children happier - and makes this person a sideswipe hit-and-run.
I know you know this. I'm saying I see it that way too and I would put more weight on avarice and less on reasoned argument which wasn't in the post but was covered in your following comments.
The further self actualization we talked about earlier is to take this from where it is and put it where it belongs and then blowtorch the thought until it's welded where you put it.
The purpose of permanent black on widows is castration of the spirit. I prefer you continue leading in more meaningful directions. Watch Picard on Star Trek where I'm sure you know his stellar theatre background. He defined much of his own idiom in that series and in my opinion what he portrayed so well was leadership. Everyone was entitled to their opinion. Only he sat in the chair.
I am the captain of my own ship Crushed reminded us elsewhere recently. Make it so.
I am very much slower at doing things with the house...sciatica has put me hard down for several months. However I am nearly finished with the kitchen. I put in all new light fixtures that I have wanted for ever!!! And I painted it basically the same colors as before due to finances..50 buck a gallon...new fixtures so things are one project at a time. I had a window guy come this week and measure the windows that need new glass thanks to condensation and then for the NEW BLINDS... I have to figure out what to replace the pleated shades with. I get the setting of the sun on these windows and it can be intense. I would love shutters but the windows at right angles don't allow for enough space. So I am thinking wide blade blinds so that I can direct the light when needed..Anyone who has this situation suggestions would be welcome. My bedroom is still in upheaval status. Due to sciatica I have had to use my recliner in the TV room. I found that even when I was getting better I could not fall asleep in my room. So I am working on rearranging things. It will all take time. And thankfully all the estate mess is about done so I will know how to budget for my projects.
The funeral home that handled DH's memorial service made a DVD of the entire service. I watched it today. It's amazing the things I didn't remember. I'm so glad I have this and that I did watch it. Yes, it was sad, but good, too.
I've been reading this discussion for a few weeks now and it has really helped to know I'm not the only one going through this. It makes me feel much better. I lost my husband this past July to Early Onset Alzheimer's....he was 59. Not doing too bad...until today. I think it's because today's my birthday....and I can't seem to stop crying.
Ruthb, So sorry for your loss. Some days are harder than other for me. And I know today must be very hard for you. I hope tomorrow is better, sending you (((Hugs)))
So sorry for your great loss. My husband died over a year ago, and I find special days the most difficult to get through. When sadness overcomes me, I try to think about happy times we had together. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't. I hope somehow you managed to have a good birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
First trip alone: I went to visit with friends and former neighbors from NY for an extended Super Bowl Chinese New Years 5 days last week. My first trip alone, the longest drive I've attempted since I had the cornea transplant nearly a year ago and driving with a fractured wrist. Other than torrential rains/fog 30mpg with a line of trucks making passing pointless, turning a 3:15 drive into 6 hrs on the was over to Sarasota it was a great experience. Upon arrival everyone was on "egg shell" not knowing what to say... Several couples were at Sue's Memorial service others I haven't seen in years. I quickly solved the problem by stating "The last months were pure hell, a lot of pain and she didn't die quietly in her sleep. NOW who's making the drinks and what's for dinner! I know grieving is peaks and valleys........... By the time I got home I was on the highest peak since Sue's passing. A new sense of confidence, went to the movies for the first time in 5 yrs., obtained the ability to view the world beyond the nest I had been huddled in these past years. And most of all I was able to thoroughly enjoy myself - never had I even considered any travel alone! A good week
New wife Joyce (actually not so new anymore -- we'll celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary next month) and I attended a funeral today, and got there early because she had to take food for the reception afterwards (she's the deviled eggs queen of Holy Trinity Episcopal Church). With about an hour to kill, we read all the names on the wall of the Memorial Garden of those whose cremains had been placed there. Lots of friends' names on that wall, including Joyce's former husband, but life goes on -- for the living.
marty, congratulations. So now you can do it again. Travelling was my favorite thing to do with DH. That and interesting restaurants. I've been living in an area where I don't know anyone for the past two years since I found a good place for DH out here just 5 minutes from his son. I don't like going out to eat alone and twice I booked airline tickets for a getaway and just got terrible panic attacks before time to go so cancelled, losing airfare. I feel like I'm getting a bit agoraphobic.
Marty, I love this. "The last months were pure hell, a lot of pain and she didn't die quietly in her sleep. NOW who's making the drinks and what's for dinner!" It is always kind of awkward when you see people you haven't seen since your loved one's death and this is a good way to solve that problem!
Nora--that just popped up, thanks to Susan, on my FB feed also. I'll read it for that. I have felt very compelled to sort things since Jeff's passing (and decline in general.)
I have been thinking about this for awhile now and wanted to put my thoughts out there. I have now been on the other side for 3 months. And the fog is starting to lift. And I feel like I have lost almost four years.
What I am saying is, I was so consumed with the care of DH and house and work and etc. That I let so many other things just slide past me.
Youngest DD is now 18. She was 14 at dx. And I look at her now and have no idea where the past four years went with her. She is now planing a wedding for the fall. I like the young man. Have known him for years. He is in the Air Force and deployed right now. They have been dating for some time. Who knew.
My mom has aged so much in the past four years. She has trouble getting around. She is very slow and having to hang on to things as she walks. She was not like that before. When did that happen.
My children and grandchildren have grown and changed so much.
So many things wrong with the house. I need to fix almost everything. I did do repairs as needed. But day to day things and wear and tear still need tending to.
I feel like I have lost four years of my life. There are so many things to come to terms with. Not just grieving, that I seem to have a handle on right now. The being cheated out of the time with others in my life, that is hard to get a handle on.
Marty, You made me cry. How beautiful, thoughtful and brave your wife was. To the others who are making changes,I am so proud of you and so ashamed of me. I seem to stagnate. I haven't changed much at all. I go and look at a cupboard and leave. I am in an apartment and have 3 garages. It would save money if I got rid of 2. I go to the fullest one, look around, sigh and leave. My eldest son is supposed to come and get his dad's Snap-on tools. He hasn't come yet for them or for the bright red, huge tool box which Gord insisted had to be in our bedroom lest burglars break into the garage. Maybe once it is gone, I will do something....or maybe not.
After my husband's death I planned to be out of this house and relocated about 1000 miles away. And here I still am. For the first three months or so I made pretty good strides, mostly in clearing stuff out.
Then migraines hit, along with two rounds of prednisone treatment. It was like I was holding a sign, "weight and inertia, land here". Various ailments since.
I read about Vickie*, Bama*, Judith KB*, Carosi*, Jazzy and others and they are inspiring.
On the other hand, I try to give myself credit for what I do manage to do.
blue*,
I feel like I have lost time too, not only the years since I retired so far before my time to care for my husband but the years since his death as well. The wear and tear, physically and emotionally can be a lot to cope with.
I am stuck on start too. It seems I can´t get past the paper sorting. I think the estate mess is done and I am still waiting to find out how the tax situation will be and what it will involve down the road. But trying to sort out papers, keep up with the incoming filings is about to drive me nuts. I have not even done anything about closets...I hate the chaos.
Dh clothes still in his closet - 17 months later. Can't open that door. First income tax as a single I tried to keep everything in a folder but seems I missed one tax statement and can't remember where it could be. Some days better than others. I've just returned from the army reunion we've been attending since 1995. Bitter-sweet and it will be the last one. It was much harder than I thought it would be since these are all dear friends. Time heals, I keep telling myself. So happy for anyone who can move on to a new life. As I look back it has been about 5 or 6 years since I could consider anything as normal in my life. Mimi* I must be stuck on start too. Hadn't thought of it that way before.
Today I went to the cemetery to " tell" Ozzie that in Oct he will become a great grandpa. How I wish he were here so I could have snapped a picture of his joy at this news..he would be thrilled. For my part I am happy my eldest stepdaughter is going to join many of us in the world of grannies though she and I are only 10 years apart..my hubby was quite a bit older than I am.
As to this stuck stuff..yes I am stuck on start...I was reading on another website for widows and widowers of a solution for simply uncluttering. Get some of those large trash can liners (Hefty bags) and just fill one a day for donation or junk barrel. So far I have the bags...that is it!
Jan, I am still pondering...I think I'll move the boxes of his papers out to the garage to sort there so I can pretend I am now again organized.......hehehehehe
Attended a family party for my great-granddaughter's first birthday yesterday. It would have been Frank's 81st birthday. It was fun watching her toddle around entertaining all. The parents hadn't thought of the date since her b-day was the 26th and this was the following Saturday when all could attend. It was a good way to spend the day that might have otherwise been harder. The first cake I baked for Frank he was 19 and I was 18 years old and planning our wedding. sweet memories.
Hi Mimi, Great idea! Somebody on here told me that moving some things into an attic or garage sort of lessened the pain a bit and then it was easier to get rid of the things once they had been out of sight for a while. I found that to be a good suggestion. Still pondering though.
Florence, what a lovely story. None of us had any idea the direction in which our lives would go. I look at teenagers on the bus and subway and wonder what things are lurking in their bodies which will change their lives in unimaginable ways. Is that morbid?
jang*, not at all morbid just reality. I didn't mention the father of the sweet toddler has recently been diagnosed with M.S. he is 32 years old. My heart is broken for them.
Ahhh Florence. That is so sad. I believe there are some strains that progress very slowly. I know a man who was diagnosed around that age. He is still working and doing things around the house although he does tire more easily than he would normally. Diagnosis must have been at least 8 years ago.
I bought the tall kitchen bags with the drawstring. I am working on closets and am very slow as I feel the need to unwrap and re-read as I go. So, for me, I pace myself by time rather than filling a bag. Do I do it everyday- despite that being my goal, let's say not so much......
jang*,
You wrote, "I look at teenagers on the bus and subway and wonder" which makes me wonder if you are in NYC? Anyway, I read the marriage announcements in the NYT and I wonder the same thing. Sometimes I wonder if I had had the power to know, but not to change it, would I have wanted to know. I usually come up with no, I would not have wanted to know.
Florence*- my best wishes to your grandson-in-law. MS is one condition where pharmaceuticals are really making phenomenal strides.
Hi Abby, Nope. I am in Toronto, Canada. I would not have wanted to know. Life is funny. My brother-in-law had both parents and several aunts and uncles with Alzheimer's. We always thought it would be him and yet it was Gord who developed Alzheimer's. My brother -in-law is 81 and started showing signs of mild dementia a few years ago. Gord started probably mid 50's. Life is unexplainable.