It is almost a year of real widowhood and my Grief Share now says "time to move on into a new life". Well, it is a smidge easier but moving on is very gradual for me. Although it really has been more than three years since dh was any kind of his real self able to do whatever and be a real companion. So from that time I've really been without the real him for three years. But he was with me in body and we shared some things still. He enjoyed eating out especially and I've had to learn to eat alone and go places alone without being self conscious. He never got to the point many spouses do I think because he also had lymphoma and was 79 years old his body just wore out and he was gone in a matter of days when the time came. I have appreciated getting to "know" so many others on this board and find myself thinking of many of you and wondering how you are coping. This is still my lifeline on bad days.
I've been trying to move on (literally move) and have gotten nowhere. After my husband's death I felt like I was gong back and forth between memories of how it was long "before" and the terrible years just before. Sometimes. lately, it seems like those memories are melding more. Sometimes, things can really catch me. Pretty much every day it crosses my mind that I want to tell or ask my husband something- either something personal or politics or whatever. Even though we really didn't talk for the last couple of years at least, my mind still plays those games.
I appreciated your distinction about "real widowhood". I spend time on another forum where there are topics about how retirement is very different for couples and singles.
What you say is true, and I'm for the two new discussions.
That said, there are several of us that have become so close that we e-mail each other daily. We have our good days and bad, our trying to take care of the house, yard, repairs, mowing, planting, changing light bulbs that require a ladder, replacing applicances, and everything else we used to do as a couple. Some of us still do most of it, some hire others to do it or use grandkids when and where we can. Many of us still check in here to see if our advice is still needed, and to see how those we have come to care for are doing. Some of us still NEED Joan's place for emotional support.
Others, however, have moved on.....literally and figuratively. Several have remarried. Some happily, some too soon. Some want to try to forget about the pain, sorrow heartbreak, loss of money and homes....so they don't come here any more.
I think some of us will stay connected for the rest of our lives - we understand each other here as no one else can understand us. We opened up here as we can't with some people.
While some want to hear about the mundane things we have learned to do, and the hobbies we have taken up to try that we never had time for before, and for those of us who love to travel, our trips, others don't. It is a fine line.
I check in because I care about this group. It's become family.
Wolf, you are at the in between. Some who have been there for several years and then lost their spouse will tell you that it was very hard, and others will say that it wasn't. Since I was able to keep mine at home, I can't know what you are feeling. But you are strong...and loving...and thoughtful....I appreciate you.
Mary, thanks for talking to me about it. I think you understand where I am very well. I want to help people recover the way I have but it may be time to accept overall where I am. Aren't I supposed to get a diploma or something though?
Wolf, You really are at the in between stage as compared to those who graduated and now have a * for a diploma. Yet when we were in the in between stage we too had some sense of what it is to be a widow. I think most would tell you we are surprised to learn the subtle differences between the two stages. During the in between stage as was said earlier, we did, or at least I did, catch myself wondering how I did things before I even met my DH in order to figure out a new way of coping..and now it makes me feel a little guilty for thinking that way...I never ever wished him gone. And I too was able to keep him at home unlike your circumstance where like us, you come home to a quiet house, unless you have an ADHD kitty or dog like I do. I appreciate your insights and even though you are still at the in between stage, you do plant seeds for us to think about in relation to where we are now. You are more or less our resident philosopher on these threads. So don't go feeling you are in the wrong place. I think it is good, now and then for the in betweeners to check this thread now and then, I did, and see what may be ahead and perhaps make some decisions that will make getting over the threshold of widowitis a little less stressful... Hugs to you...
Another thought that has come up in my Grief Share daily e-mails is closure. Is there closure? I've seen this in many articles when balloons are let go to the sky and this is for closure. I've wondered then do they walk away and say "Yep, that's that". Has anyone here felt like they'd had closure? I had 60 + years with a great guy do I now after one year seek closure? How exactly does that work? Any thoughts are welcome by me.
Closure has been so overused in the last few years, that I won't use it!!! There is really no complete closure anyway - we still have our memories, and items we can't stand to part with. And photos!!!! I just relived my life in photos. I don't want to close the door on my past. I want to savor it. I was fortunate to have 50 years with my husband and we had four lovely children. I want to take those memories out of my treasure chest every once in a while. I want to live in the present though.
I prefer to think of it as a flow of our lives....we know when we come into this world, that someday we are going to depart it. It is what we do in between that matters. Hopefully, we love, we learn, we experience, we share. I knew after getting the "official" diagnosis of AD for my husband that he was going to die - just not when, nor how much grief and hardship I would undergo until that happened. I started crying that night, and tried to keep the tears at bay as much as possible. My goal, from that day forward, was to make his life as pleasant and enjoyable and pain free as I could. I knew there would be time for me AFTER. Wolf, we should get a diploma AFTER! I taught myself to remember that the reason button was broken - not to explain things, to wait until the last moment to tell him we were going somewhere, to not get upset if he slept all the time, or stayed awake for 24 hours, or follow me around from sunset on until bedtime. I knew why he did all of those things because of this website.
After he died, I was in a daze. I couldn't believe that the battle was finally lost. That I had to pick up the pieces, and begin my "flow" - my favorite phrase was "I'm flexible" because I no longer had to do things at a specific time any more. I could leave the house without preparations for a sitter, food for both, emergency numbers, worry about everything.....but then, what did I want to do by myself? I learned to take my Kindle/iPad to go out to dinner alone. Sometimes I find a friend to go with me, but most are married. I'm still taking baby steps after two years. I am traveling and enjoying my trips and my "family" from here.
We are still here at Joan's - we are still trying to help each other. We are on the "flow" - stress free at last.
Mary-well said. I haven't a clue what closure is. We had almost 50 good years and a few of hell. I don't want to close the book on those good years. We produced three awesome kids and lots of great and sometimes painful memories. Sometimes I feel as if I am in my second chance of life and I plan on living it well and finally on my own terms.
I don't believe in this "closure" nonsense. I saw a video recently, done by a woman who lost a child and is now a social worker of something. Anyway, she said there is no such thing as closure. It is more like standing on a stage and on the right side is joy and the left side is the sad loss we feel and the longing......and as time goes on we step into each place from time to time...and there is nothing wrong with that concept for certainly we don't forget our LO and don't want to either. And when we think of some of those times, it brings that sense of longing and a tear or two or a bucket of em..but then we go on trying to live and there are those times we step back into the spotlight of joy...and that is the way it really is....that we learn how to contend with our loss, we don't miss our LO any the less but we learn coping skills that help us carry on and live the life we and our LO would want for us and it is not selfish...we are given life and it is up to us to make the most of it.
In my view, and I am only a month into this new life, and that is at some point to try to find some joy and live a good life in order to honor the man I was lucky enough to find and live happily with for 36 + years...He taught me a lot about a lot of things....and he was such a good and kind man that if I can live up to half the person he was in this realm it would please and honor him.
I went to a special healing and remembrance service tonight and I would like to share this with you: healing does not mean forgetting, rather it means remembering, remembering with love and joy. Leaves don't fall, they descend, Longing for earth, they come winging down. In their time they'll come again. People don't die. Through their descendants they continue from one generation to another, From one life to another, with love and trust, Leaves don't fall, they descend.
Nora, that is a beautiful message! Especially for those of us who have children. Those who didn't may have children hopefully have other loved ones or actions which will descend for them. Thank you for sharing that inspirational message!
I don't remember if I have shared this with all of you (if I have, forgive me for the repetition). In 2009, my son took all of our family photos, including my parent's photos, and scanned them all to my computer. He organized them in "albums" for my grandparents photos, and added one album each for Dave, me and each of the children. On August 25th, Diane's birthday (1962), a couple of spouse friends from here asked me to e-mail them a couple of pictures of her as a baby and recent ones. I spent almost two hours reliving my marriage of 50 years and the birth of each of my children, our trips, to and including Diane's death June 29, 2009. I sent them 10 photos, including some funny moments from her childhood. Where I had been sad and crying earlier in the day, I found that looking at our lives, and how much we have been blessed over the years, brought happiness and joy back to me! Both Diane and Dave had wonderful lives that were filled with love and joy and family. We were so fortunate to have had each other!
I'm busy planning our next cruise to the Med for next summer. The Baltic Cruise on Celebrity this summer was wonderful! My bucket list has gotten four items checked off, but I added two more! <grin> I'm looking towards the future, while embracing each day and being grateful that I can live and and go and do! I still have my wonderful memories to look back on. It's still going to take a while to put the AD years in the back of the closet of memories, but I'm working on it! I refuse to feel sorry for myself!
Where I have had the family at my house for holidays, I'm now going to theirs - and creating new memories with my children, the grandchildren and great-grandchildren. I'm enjoying not being the cook any more (except for their "favorite" dish that I used to make them!).
May your upcoming holiday season be filled with new memories and love and joy.
Way to go Mary! I don't believe in closure. It is 23 months today that Gord passed away. The next month will be filled with memories of those last days. I think that as Mary said, we just go with the flow. There is no choice. We just keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope that soon, those footsteps will be joyful ones.
Mary*6/8/2011, what a wonderful post! Although my dh has not yet been placed and is still at home, that time is getting closer. How great it was for me to read such a positive post about the "life after". You sound like such an upbeat lady, I'm sure people are naturally drawn to you. I think very often when in the middle of this horrific AD journey, we just focus on the negative and lose sight of the happier times. Thanks for making my day! P.S. What a fabulous gift from your son. More valuable than gold!
Well-I'm not going to let Mary have all the fun. (Mary and I have been very special and dear friends since the beginning-so I can pick on her). Next week I leave on a leaf peeping tour. Every year I have a trip planned-usually with one of my kids. Things aren't as planned. I am a different and more independent person. I developed new interests and met many new people who I hope will become friends. Life does indeed go on-if you let it.
It is a great name for a tour but I did have visions of you, up a tree, peeping through the leaves! It is spring here so we have all the flowers in bloom but the autumn foliage is wonderful.
Yes bluedaze, I am in australia but thanks to Joan I can be right there with all of you. I was able to care for my dh (ALS/FTD) in a manner that left me without regrets only because of what I learnt from this site and you were one of the main sources of good advice. So bluedaze, if I seem overly familiar, sorry but it is because I feel that many of you are my friends. Julia is also from australia but sadly she is 4,000 ks over the other side of the country.
Yes Julia I know, I have been checking on you! It doesn't get any easier with time, only gets easier when it is all over then the grief comes along to take what little is left of us. Perhaps you could do an update on Reno and you, one day when you feel up to it? All the best.XX
I come to this thread occasionally because sometimes I feel like a widow. I have lost so much of him. Much good advice here on how to cope with our tremendous losses. With each decline, we mourn and grieve all over again.
I am into 7 Sundays ago the 30th that I lost Ozzie. I am finding the weekends especially difficult. The odd mood seems to start to set in about 7 Thursday evenings and prevails until Monday morning. The Ambulance got him to hospital at 2 in the morning with what was thought to be walking pneumonia but actually turned out to be acute pulmonary edema and severe aortic valve stenosis..He died on the Sunday morning. After the funeral and everyone left, I have felt aimless...but I know there is a ton of things that need to be done. Gradually I am getting to it but it is daunting. Like many here, Ozzie had dementia of the ALZ type but he did not descend into the worst of that disease. Still I saw him decline due to the cardiac disease. He became thin, weak, but his spirit was willing to do things he could no longer do. It was very hard to have to watch this over several years and while I knew the cardiac disease would most likely claim his life before ALZ, it does not make losing him any less of a trauma. It was such a shock to get to the hospital, too late, only to see his lifeless remains in a tidy hospital bed....call his name and no reply...took my breath away to the point the nurse thought I needed O2 ! I still wear my rings.
Thank you Mary...I told someone tonight how I hate the word widow...I feel married and most likely always will. I really hate weekends starting late Thursday evenings..when things started to go wrong for him.
Just checking in. Lloyd has been gone for almost 10 months and it still feels like it was yesterday. I went to Florida with my oldest daughter a month after he died. I bawled on the way home because he would not be here. Kristi offered to turn around and take me back. I just went to Florida again with my youngest daughter to visit with my grandson for a week at the Navy base. Had a good time, but I still miss Lloyd. I used to be independent and self-confident and cocky and now I am embarrassed to say that I am one piping hot mess. I used to think he brought out the best in me. Then I thought he was the best in me and with him gone, the best was also gone. I see people jump into new relationships and it is not something I want or need to do. Girls, I still wear a wedding band. Two Christmases before he died we had gold bands engraved - mine said "Lloyd & Linda" and his said "Linda & Lloyd". Don't wear the diamonds anymore, but I wear the band.
Linda Mc* 10 months is not a long time. There is nothing to HAVE to do about establishing new relationships. Your wedding band is special and no one but you decide to continue wearing it or not. It didn't come with an expiration date.
I enjoy diamonds so when I am not doing house work I wear my diamond..by beautiful 2ct European Cut diamond ring with two pear shaped trillion cut diamonds on the side and diamonds down the side and on the front and back. It is two tone and the yellow gold part is a filagre and in the center on both sides is a little heart..yes it is custom made and nearly 5cts total wt..it is not sitting in the vault not to be enjoyed anymore. When I look at the diamond and how it glistens in the light it reminds me of our wonderful magical marriage..it brings me joy.
I went to a McCarty cousins' reunion with Lloyd's favorite cousin and she introduced me as Lloyd's widow. I immediately told them I was Lloyd's wife, that I was in no way ready to be called a widow. I did wear my diamonds to the reunion. I remember when he picked the set for me and everyone thought it was so gaudy, but he liked it. It was a bit fancy for my taste, too, but it was so "him". He was a "I want it all" kind of guy and I was a "where would you put it?" kind of gal. Seems kind of funny now. Lord, I miss him. I wish he would come back and haunt me.
Well-here I am packing up for a trip. It is still lonely realizing that Bill will not be with me. It's hard shutting up the house, preparing a vast collection of orchids in the hope they will do well without me. I have a house sitter who lives next door. She will visit my precious Gracie several times a day and the two of them love each other. I've put off the actual packing because it is painful. No partner to discuss what to take. I will be with family on the trip. One stop will be where my kids grew up and where I established true life long friends. I haven't seen them for 35 years and am almost afraid to see what they look like. I, of course, haven't changed a bit :). Ben and Jerry's ice cream factory will be on the same road as our lodging. Now There's trouble. Now I expect all of you to stay out of trouble until I get back.
Have a long-deserved, wonderful trip, Nora. Looks like B&J will cause all the trouble for you! Have fun - and you'll look better than any of your friends. Love you.
nora have a wonderful time! and of course B&J is always acceptable while on vacation:) its a sad experience to realize like yourself that our spouses no longer will be part of our life's plans. you have come far and doing an exceptional job of getting your life back and living again. enjoy your family. divvi
I guess after a year and a half I've moved on....a bit,don't wear a wedding ring anymore but its around my neck on a gold chain......closer to my heart
Nora, have a safe trip and enjoy seeing memories of the past, and friends - you will recognize the women, but not the men, if you are like me! AND, ice cream, whether from B&J's or elsewhere, has no calories when you are on vacation!!!
Ms Gracie and the orchids will be awaiting your return, just as we are! Have fun!!!
LindaMc*, I am 100% with you...I am not willing to be introduced as a widow either..I hate the word.
Like your special "feller", my hubby selected a larger ring for me than I would have selected if I had been asked and when I said it was kind of big his reply was " well I want 'em all to know you have been spoken for at 500 yards away!" So I have my bling and it means more than anything else to me especially now...
I miss my buddy too...always will...he was pure magic.
Mimi, I'm with you, too! Mine was magic, too. He was my prince and my knight in shining armor...come to save me from all the sad and the bad in the world.
May I rant? I am hoping that typing this will help. It was 2 years ago today at 8:02 this morning that Gord passed away. My sister called and I couldn't pick the phone up. While Gord was in his last year or so, she was talking about him. I had known for many years that she didn't like him but I told her that it sounded as if she hated him. She told me with no hesitation that she did hate him. Some time later, we were guests in their home. She had us maybe every 2-3 months. Out of the blue, she told me that if anything happened to me, they would never go to visit Gord. There was no reason for this to come out. As I was trying to get my jaw off the floor, she said that everything they did for us was for me, not him. Her husband's eulogy at Gord's funeral made it obvious that he did not share her feelings. He was on the verge of breaking down. In 2 years, I have never cried on her shoulder about Gord and I never will. I find it really hard to even think about talking to her today.
jang, aren't we so happy to have caller ID. There are also times I don't pick up the phone. You had every reason not to today. Hope today is peaceful for you.
jang*, I know this must be a difficult time for you on the anniversary of Gord's death. I am sending payers and "good vibes" your way hoping to make today less painful.
My sister sounds like your sister's clone. She's basically told me the same things about Rich. It's hurtful and makes me angry, but sometimes if I'm in a less protective mode of Rich I can see how she feels. My sister feels that Rich had the better deal in our marriage and that the 5-6 years before he was diagnosed he was taking extreme advantage of me in all ways. Of course now looking back it was the beginning stages of his FTD but we didn't know that at the time. She still harbors very angry and destructive feelings about him and his actions during that time. she asked me recently if I died what would I expect her to do with Rich. Before I could answer she said she will put him in a facility where she lives and will visit him occasionally. I asked her to visit him a minimum of once a month. Then she said she will hate him for the rest of her life if I die first because she will know that caring for him killed me.
I think it is difficult for our family's to watch what we endure as caregivers and to understand we do it for love and/or obligation. I want love and support from her to help me survive this journey; she wants me not to have to endure all the sufferings this disease brings with it.
Thank you guys, I knew I could count on you. LFL, Gord was always controlling and that is the reason she disliked him. She has a saying that she never forgives and never forgets. I thought that when you saw someone in this terrible disease, you would be able to do both but she never will. I understand how hard it is for family to watch the caregiver but some things just don't need to be said.
Love you too, Coco. Now, though, I feel guilty. I have to remember that they came almost every week for the last year or two and it was a 3 hour return trip. I must remember that as well.