Thanks for everyone's concern. Blisters are all dried I never had many because of this great medicine I was given. My skin is very sensitive still and I don't have energy for much but the pain has just about gone from my leg. I am going to get the vaccine as soon as the doctor ok's it. I would advise anyone who had chicken pox to get it - just like the man on TV says I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

One day you will just feel like doing it. In the meantime, leave it. It took 2 years for me, and then it came more easily than I would have imagined.

Lloyd died 5 months ago. I went through some things and gave a few clothes to his brother who is the same size...very few. The bedroom is still the same...and the bathroom...all golf. I'm not going to do anything until I feel like it.
I brought his ashes home and they are still in the cardboard "temporary container". He's nestled between the pillows on our bed hidden from view. When the granddaughters (8 and 5) come to spend the night, Kamden moves grandpa to the dresser to make room for all of us in the queen-size bed. It's what I do. I don't feel like moving on. I feel stuck.

I'll never call myself a widower. What a stupid label. It's one of the few words in english where the feminine defines it and the male state is the add-on. I'm not wearing black either. Black and white don't work for me because I'm incapable of getting all the food in my mouth. I'm actually in the habit of glancing down after a meal to make sure I haven't done a mural.

And just like the widower label, I've given up worrying too much about things. It's the first breakthrough I've had recently towards attaining creamy oneness with the universe. Other people are behaving the way they are not to upset me, but to show me it's alright that I behave in my own strange ways too.

I was recently told about this site where you can access the bio's without joining and that it was kind of middle of the road. Not EHarmony not Craigslist. So I really did look. I went through details and there were nice decent people and a few who twigged my attention. The thing you have to know is that they're aliens from another world.

Now I realize I'm 62 and that I've got visible miles on the tires, salt and pepper hair, sagging flesh, two perky breasts, four turkey necks, and a spring loose in the pear tree; but, and I have truly thought about this, I will not meet her friends nor get grilled by the offspring who may or may not be gargoyles.

My thoughts about chasing a 64 year old (because I'm unlikely to be 'out there' next week) just because I'm so lonely I hang around convenience clerks like they're my new friends (pant pant), those thoughts are best captured by Fellini on steroids or a Gahan Wilson type cartoonist practised in portraying the dark side in macabre ways.

I happen to know I will not see 80. And while I'm looking forward to staggering down hallways hunched and shrunken (the tall shrink the most) chasing bosomy nurses, it captures everything that I would have no idea what to do with them let alone have a chance at catching them.

I look at my second career in life this way. It's like a last wish before being shot at dawn. Is there anything you want? Not really. Well let's shoot me now then. Wait! I'll come up with something.

I have strange thoughts sometimes. I wondered what the dead wouldn't give to show up for lunch and have a sandwich. Just that. Can I have a show of hands? And here I am moaning that I have nowhere to turn munching my seafood salad on a bed of lettuce and tomato on a warm foccachia bun. Dripping on my shirt.

Wolf, I'd like to meet you someday. You have made me and others laugh and offered so much wisdom to so many!

Linda and Flo, I used to hate the saying that time heals our wounds...but it is true...it at least keeps them from hurting so much. We have to let the things of our spice go WHEN WE CAN. There is no time limit on it. Some people prefer to jerk that Bandaid off and others take it off very slowly because they think it hurts less. This analogy also would go to our spice's things. Some got rid of them right away, others still have them. Some sell their homes and move, others keep their homes as shrines. We are all grown up, and can do as we wish....it doesn't matter what others say.

I do not call myself a widow. I do not think of myself as a widow. I don't think of myself as a wife either...just single now.....one of my sons asked me if I was going to start dating...I said I looked around at the men my age, and I don't want them - they look old! When I'm ready to date again, I want to be a cougar!!!! I want a man in his late 50s who can keep up with me! <BIG GRIN> It shocked my son! (GOOD!) I'm not ready yet, by the way!

As I have said many times before, I have my bucket list that I made while taking care of Dave. I am working my way down it, while still working full time. I have a great job that I love, and I have plenty of vacation time (that my money will allow me to take!) and have been enjoying planning my trips and taking them. I recenlty returned from a 2 week Baltic cruise with my daughter and two of my family from Joan's who are now single too. The four of us women had a fantastic time. We visited 7 countries and enjoyed tours on each one. Together we took over 3,000 pictures!! The world is a beautiful place with so many people to meet - it was surprising that most of our fellow cruisers were British, and a lot of Europeans too...very few Americans! And yet we all had so much in common!

In fact, I had so much fun that I signed up for a Mediterrean cruise next summer! Now I have a year to plot and plan, buy clothes for, get in shape, and enjoy every moment of it.

I now look forward and think of the now and the future. I hope I have 20 more years to enjoy, but if it is only a few, I want to create new memories every day.

I wish that all of you can start to think of your future, and put your past in a treasure box, only to be brought out on special occasions. We can't go back - only forward, yet at our own paces.

Love to all of you!

Mary* you are awesome. Life is a gift not to be wasted.

Life is indeed a gift and Mary has been an inspiration for me for several years. I agree that we should treasure and enjoy the years we have left. I also hope to have several more years of being able to drive, travel and enjoy being alive. I was married at 17 for over 50 years and I completely understand the "being a single woman" after being part of a "couple". Ladies and Gentlemen we don't have time to wallow in our sorrow. My past 50 years of being part of a couple is gone...My new life is that of a single and I am having to learn to live this way all over again. I didn't choose to be single - it was "just in the cards for me". I know many people who are worse off than I am. I believe it is important to change your home - wardrobe - even friends if you need to. Get new ones...go to the movies....go to a show...cultivate friends to go on bus trips with and if you are not physically able to get out - find a hobby that you can do and LIVE AGAIN. I have several lovely friends I met here on Joan's and I am so grateful for them. I visit and travel with them. Right not I am on a 3 week camping trip with Fran, (some of you oldies will remember Fran from Joans) Fran was widowed a year or so before I was and we have been friends for several years. I have no desire to live "on the road" for 8 months a year like she does but I do enjoy traveling with her and some nights dry camping. Keeps me young.

Life is not easy, especially restructuring, after 70 but it is worth the extra effort. I think it is important to "live in the moment" and treasure the memories we are making now. I know we all miss what we once had - but we can pull up our big girl panties and make new memories. Take care.....and love yourself.

Lois-I still peek in once in a while. It was good to read your post. Yes-there is a life afterwards. This time it is we who finally get to call the shots and find out who we are.

OK, I have again lurked, as I did before I actually joined and made comments before my guy passed on. It has been about 7 months now since his passing, and I still haven't really moved on with my own life. My biggest change was to decide not to move to a smaller home in a different place, but to remodel our own home, and make it a more comfortable place to remain. We had a savings account to do just this, but I saved it with the thought that I would need the money for his care. Well, didn't happen. So I remodeled, and am now moving things back into our home.

What I want to share is that while packing everything to get it into the garage, I packed all of my guys belongings, suits, wallets, 'stuff' etc., into plastic storage containers, as I did everything else in the house. When all the work was complete, I moved his containers into his side of the closet, and left them there. Some day I will sort through them, but I am just not ready yet. Got to say, just knowing I have all of his stuff still there is such a comfort to me. I don't need to sort through it yet, but just having it all there is such a good feeling. I moved the furniture around and am now sleeping in our room, which I couldn't do before because he had violent outbursts during the night. Only now am I able to again sleep in our room, and it has been difficult, but also comforting. He would want me to move ahead, and make these changes. After 36 years, it is so strange to be alone. The changes to our home are so foreign, but still good for me. I have moved most everything back in, and need to re-decorate. This gives me something to do, but I can't help but know I'm looking for anything to do just to avoid moving on with my life outside of our home. This is all just such a trial. I miss and need him, and just have to find a way to move on, as he would want me to. I guess I'm getting there, but just wanted to share that saving his things, and yet not having to sort through them just yet, is a comfort. We all need to do things at our own speed, and comfort range.

My guy was 73 and I am 61. I let myself fall apart while taking care of him, and was hospitalized as a result after he passed. Now I am trying hard to exercise and eat right, sleep, etc, to get myself in some kind of shape to move on. I hope that you all realize that you need to find help, get respite, sleep, and realize that your life is also important. It is so easy to lovingly care for your partner, but just as easy to not care for yourself. Please care for yourself. Hugs, Janny!

So good to hear a response. I guess we all want that, but realize everyone else is going through their own situation. Got my flat screen TV too, and a booster seat for my little dog to have access to my bed too. I join my sister on occasion to go shopping, and my children stop by, but gosh, it is just so different when you can't share with your partner. Sounds like you have a little energy left Flo39*, so make a plan, and experience some new memories. I know it's not easy, but step up to the plate. I will if you will :)) We need to do this. Let's keep on keep'n on. Even with our tears. Thanks again. Janny

Dang girl, hearing from you was sure a boost! I am doing good, so please save your good thoughts for so many who still need them. You, yourself have been experiencing trials many never face. I am so proud of your efforts, and appreciate you putting on the cape, and encouraging so many. I, too wish I could help those who are still struggling with their independent experiences with those they have shared a life, and still doing so. I just can't imagine a more difficult journey for anyone, but those of an Alzheimer's caregiver. When your loved one is gone, a whole new life begins. It's just not one you are prepared for. "New" is a wrong word to use. I still have my "old" life that I am experiencing......without him. The adjustment is difficult, but I have made up my mind to live it like my guy would have wanted me to. Taking awhile, but I'm moving forward with a positive attitude. Thanks so much for your post. Please take care, and know that I was encouraged by your thoughts.

Thinking about you Coco - how is your weather?

First I had shingles (ouch!) now I have some kind of weird thing with my right lung. Been puny for two weeks now. Been to doctor and on meds and feeling not much better. She threatened hospital if I don't completely rest. Now a thought comes to me that depression may be the culprit. I can't seem to keep on top of all I basically need to do. I think I have business stuff under control but keep rerunning it at night, I have a large yard with many unkept flower beds and a water garden with too many fish. None of this is life threatening I know but still someone has to "keep" them. A friend has been selling Frank's woodworking tools for me for which I am grateful but it is so sad when I go in the workshop and see the vacant places and remember how proud he was of each thing he bought. Everything he bought was from bonus money he had earned so as not to take away from household money so it was special. He died ten months ago so I've been trying to deal with each thing in its place and time and not to stress out but I wonder if my body is telling me that I'm not really dealing? My children have said but mom you're never sick. That is true for the most part. Frank had lymphoma for 30 years so we were always in some treatment phase or hospital stay and doctor's appointments and I was the caretaker. Then the dementia and all that takes from a caretaker .-
Now I've got to be honest with you if I want help. Add to all this the real stress factor is a daughter on disability and food stamps who owed much money to bail bondsmen from a previous bad lifestyle she chose to lead. Now all that is paid off she is ill with hepatitis, diabetes, and other ailments the medical insurance from the state doesn't begin to cover all the meds she needs and she calls for money for this all the time. I feel trapped because she is sick and does get some help from agencies and churches but it no where covers all she needs. It is constant need. I help her every month but it never seems to end. I hate to see her number on caller ID because I know what she wants. I long for her dad to help me sort this out but I have to face it alone and that is reality.
I wouldn't talk about this with anyone else but my friends here at Joan's who will understand and maybe have experienced the a similar thing. I know that I'm not too different from the average widow but I've never been one before and this may not be too uncommon. Just wondering if other's have had health problems that came unexpected and uninvited. Friends ask what I need and I tell them I need to get well.

Thank you so much, Abby. My daughter lives in the same town and our relationship has been rocky for some years. She left home on her 18th birthday, didn't graduate high school even though she only had less than a month. She moved with a guy to another town and thus began her very bad lifestyle choices. I won't go into it but she was gone for over 20 years. She moved back to this town, sick and broke.
I didn't mention before I am POA for my 92 yr. sister in ALF. She is alert mentally but needs help with many things including keeping tract of her finances.
My question -- have I caused my physical problems by not managing the situations I must live with. Can this happen? If so how do I ever get better. Nothing with daughter is going to change. Her health problems are real and financial help from agencies is only so much.
My doctor has offered to refer me to a counselor and give me some meds. But my situation isn't going to change. So I feel trapped. My sons and DIL gave up on their sister long ago. They have no sympathy for her or me. Now they are helpful to me, don't get me wrong here, but they want nothing to do with her.

Flo39*, I agree that the mental, emotional and physical strain you have been under (30 years) is enough to exhaust anyone. We always think we should just suck it up and be able to carry on. But our bodies can only take so much. I heard a statistic that dementia caregivers need about 3 years to recover physically, once their responsibilities come to an end; and that does not even address how long it takes to recover emotionally.

I would encourage you to talk with a grief counselor - one who is familiar with the type of grief we are dealing with. Although it won't change the realities you live with, they can give you tools to help you cope and can be an unbiased listener, something that our children cannot do.

Be gentle with yourself and know that we are here for you.

Thank you to all who took your time to read and reply. I'm still struggling and think I must get someone to talk with before I lose it. For the first time I wonder if I'm having a breakdown and I'm afraid. So much stress for the past few years and some of it continues. I don't know how to handle my life and I am going to try to help myself. Thanks for caring.

Hi, Flo,

Sometimes just making a plan and putting it in writing can be a gentle first step.

One way to do this is a WRAP. Wellness, recovery and action plan. With this process you can write down things you will do to accomplish your own personal wrap. Usually in this type of plan, cross writing is useful. For example you can keep a notebook- you referenced your room with your tv and chair- keep a little notebook there to jot down things as you experience them or think about them and how they relate to your WRAP. Also keep a calendar, the kind that show a month view are good and in the squares make little notes. If you feel the need to communicate something to someone, write to them in your notebook journal.

When there are days of blankness- maybe you will see what were the triggers- and also what triggered the better days.

Just some Sunday morning thoughts.

Best wishes!

Coco- eating is a real problem especially since I've been physically ill for almost 3 weeks. I know I must try to do better. Thanks for your suggestions. Abby- that is such a good idea and I've written it down - now just to think about what I need to do for myself. I realize only I can really help myself. I've read that a grieving person will come "out of the fog" eventually so there is hope.
I do think that I have not thought of my own health for so long. Fortunately, I was not ill while Frank was going through all his problems so I never had to worry about me. But I know that my old 80 yr old body is worn out and I'm not going to snap back like I once could. Again, I really appreciate this message board and all the friends I have here you are the best!!

Mimi, the first rule, is that there are no rules. You have to take care of yourself. Eat right, get plenty of sleep, and let things flow. You are now flexible. You can stay up all night reading or watching TV, you can sleep late, you can eat when you are hungry. Now, if you are like me, I relax easier in a clean house. Get a few plastic tubs (not too big - you will have to lift them) and put everything to do with health insurance, the funeral, and your husband's credit cards, bank statements, etc. in one and put it in the extra bedroom. You can get to it first, once you have your house organized better for you. then tackle it.

It helps if you sort through his things while you are "numb" still - one tub for I think I'll keep, and one for Goodwill, Church, etc. - then put them in the extra room. No final decisions have to be made. You are creating a new "treasure chest" to go through later. Some of us had to rearrange rooms or get a new bedroom suite to make sleeping in our bedroom easier and less lonely. I did, and it made a huge difference.

Take a couple of weeks to breath and chill.....if you stay on the "I have to be Speedy Gonzales" schedule you have had for years, your health might get into jeopardy. Slow down. It will be there later. Take care of yourself. You will have good days and bad days. Your emotions will be on a roller coaster. When you are having a good day, take an hour or so and bring out the tub that has the bank statements and credit cards. Organize them and call them. Most will want a copy of his death certificate and you have to wait until you get them before you can go through this part of the process. You will need to get the utilities and cable in your name only. No rush, but when you feel up to it. You will also need to get the credit cards in your name only. Keep the bank account that his Social Security and Retirement/military pay go into WITH HIS NAME ON IT FOR A YEAR OR SO...They can't deposit into it if his name doesn't remain on the account. I just got a check from one of Diane's credit cards that their audit revealed that was due her!! FOUR years later!!! (It does happen!)

Then there are the insurance companies - health, auto and homeowners....another few copies of the death certificates. As I have said...there is no big hurry...just make a list, and then prioritize the list....and put "FREE TIME" on that list several times! First, is recovery of your body and mind. That is the most important. Then, put away what brings pain and tears until you feel up to it.

(((HUGS)))

Mary, one thing my lawyer told me last year when my husband died. Do not tell the bank he is dead for at least a year. I only recently did so. She was worried that the bank would do something weird with the social security payments. When I did finally go in and close down the joint account, I knew that it was extremely unlikely that any more checks would come with his name on it. You can't close the joint account until after Tax time next year. You will need that account to either pay taxes or to get a refund deposited into.

There is one credit card where I was primary and he was secondary. I'll deal with that if another card arrives in his name when they send me new ones next year. If you don't have a credit card where you are the primary borrower, you might want to get one.

The utilities can wait. I managed that on the phone. I just told them I was his widow, and they changed the name. None of this required death certificates, but I have a bunch of them anyway. It was so easy I almost couldn't believe it, but I didn't even start on it until Joe had been dead for 8 or 9 months.

The insurance companies need to be dealt with early on. And you need to call Social Security about 2 or 3 weeks after the death. They will already have been notified, and you will receive an appointment for a telephone consult. Again, very easy as long as you can be calm.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere on the site anymore in the way it once was. My wife is in a nursing home but has been completely uncommunicative for several years. I'm not a widower but after many months I can feel I've grieved for us. It all seemed to change in May and now that it's almost September, I seem to be through whatever it is and get up every day for quite a while feeling good inside and glad to be here.

It isn't black and white but even my feelings about my wife have changed where it's like a more honest empathy for how much she has lost and a more accurate, deeper recollection of what we are and were together. So much before was my own horrible pain for her and for us and me. Family and friends around me have changed. They've seperated into individuals again taking on the merits of what is happening - and not just my own judgements of their behaviour good or bad.

Another massive change is that Alzheimer's has dropped away as the only thing driving our lives and has shrunk to the reality of a disease which has cost her so much; but is just one of so many that can take us where in my own time one will take me.

I know that my loneliness is still missing her every day and that my deep need to share with her is missing. A small part of me doesn't accept that she will never come back and that all this has happened or that she's going to die. I'm ok with that.

It may be tough going near the end. Whatever it is, I'll see her through it until she is released. Her soul, her person, her personality are all still in there but she has been robbed of either form of thought or function and waits until Alzheimer's builds plaque over a life necessity.

I feel alright about it. I think it's just as bizarre what the disease does to us as it would be to embrace that as my new life. I respect that my mom passed and had her time and that it is no dishonor to embrace life beyond her time or a diminishment of my own feelings about her.

I also respect sincerely the power of events like this and whether I did or didn't, I still got kicked around viciously by them. I never believed the disease was me and I never really understood which was which as I went through it. I know it's all powerful and right inside me so I just didn't believe anything and that turned out to be right. It was right because however I came out of these woods, when I did I saw everything differently.

I think self importance is akin to masturbation. I've never once felt expectations from those around me by my own right. I have expectations because of agreements and understandings and if those don't exist, it's always my job to put them there. I've never expected anything including being worthy of my wife. She wasn't my right either.

My experience is that people forget that. My experience is that people change their thoughts of the things around them to maximize their comfort now and they often don't realize they're doing it. Like politicians who say something else somewhere and must hate that someone was filming when they said the other thing. We're not liars really, it's kind of hardwired into being a soul in the physical world where the extent to which you invest and give or take is completely up to you. Very little of that actually comes into play in many people's lives. Like all things, the deeper realities only show up when things go wrong.

I always say what I mean and mean what I say. I can always prove it in detail. I was given a good mind. Some people have praised me for this. Horse manure. I'm this way because I have to be and it wasn't me that gave me a mind. Pretending otherswise doesn't make your penis larger or make you immortal whatever we may read.

We do and we don't do things, and we believe and we don't believe things depending on whether we want them enough. That, and nothing else is the apex from which all things bar none expand outwards. No one knows what they can do and failing in the meantime means squat. Getting up again right now and sticking your face right back into it however is mission critical no different from the first time you overcame your fears and went to the toilet by yourself. This is exactly and precisely the same thing at a different time.

I don't know how many years or even months I have. I'm not bothered that I might be different that I appreciate that I have much less fear now of anything frankly or that I really can see what's ahead and I do want some good stuff before my own time comes.

Dianne is going to die but she is here in my pocket. And she isn't dead but I am already down the road. And that's what we said to do and I'm here.

I can do anything I want. Life is trying to get me to choose what that is for the first time because older, less indestructable parts of me want to know. I always answer myself the same way. "You're going to die but not right now. Get a grip."

Mary*, you are an inspiration as are so many on here. Like all of you, I am still in the process of getting rid of Gord's things almost 2 years later. Somebody gave me such good advice shortly after Gord died. They said to put stuff in boxes and put it away. That really worked. After some months, they no longer seemed like Gord's treasures but only things in a box.

On a humourous note, I recently went to speak to a grief peer counsellor. She was supposed to have been trained. The first few minutes into our hour, I said that it really bothered me that I hadn't cried a lot. She threw her hands in the air and said," I didn't cry at all. I was glad when he died after 55 years of Hell." I was so stunned, I almost fell off the couch. I would guess that she talked for the better part of our hour. I know all about her background, when her late husband came from Poland, the births of her sons, the death of one and how many houses and trips they went on. Needless to say, I will not be going back. I was quite upset about the visit for a while but now find it quite funny.

I am confused about which date people are putting first on the death of their spouse. At least with me, you know that there is no 26th month......I am pretty sure anyway.

We do it 3 different ways in Canada. I think I shall change it to October. Off to do that now.

Postcards from the afterwards

You transition through the Alzheimerspouse. I didn't know that. In fact I had studiously ignored the thread Widows and Widowers and even suggested we have such a thing and had to have it pointed out that it already existed.

The main body of the site we all know and I give that an 11 out of 10 where I experienced the incredible support it can provide.

Then I realized I didn't belong anywhere and started talking about the period where we are still caregivers but have passed the point where we can do it alone or at home with whatever help we had.

Then we end up here where the AS site has meant a good deal to us and many do come to continue to offer advice. And for some time we are in that technical state that we ARE a widow or widower and are likely grieving.

But it doesn't and shouldn't end there.

Alzheimers has 'given me' positive things. I learned self reliance, strength, foregiveness, spirituality, I lost my fear of growing old or of death, and I experienced many peoples lives vicariously here. I can't recall anyone saying such things before.

I can't imagine saying them to people in the middle of what we all know this is and have used up now the distance between pointing out we can thrive afterwards and being a discordant note to people who have no readiness to hear such things.

Yet here are some people who haven't been able to find their way past what happened to them years later and here are people who have. I never fit anywhere anyway and I'm used to that. I'm not thanking the disease anymore than I'm interested in denying it has given as well as taken. I don't expect people to understand.

I put this here because it's here that the trail ends within AS. But it doesn't end for those that have lived through the dementia experience with others on AS.

I would start two new sticky threads called "The road back to life" and "Postcards from afterwards". The first is where spouse survivors can talk about their issues and concerns with the road back from this dementia experience. Here they could find others who are also in that stage or others who have been through this and can help the Alzheimer's Spouse.

The second thread would be where people can post their updates about things happening in their lives where they don't need any help. They want to share things with people they feel an affinity to because we all shared the same experience.

I could start them but they would be jarring in the main body of what Joan built. I will put this idea here and if it starts something then it had support presented to the right audience which all qualify for this sticky - and if it doesn't then it doesn't.

I won't end up on this thread as a label. I'm alive and kicking and although my wife has not passed, there is nothing left to learn or fear from alzheimers or death. Perhaps I'm off base here and I have no regrets about others not wanting to do what I want to do. I suspect that given some time I'll see this part fleshed out more regardless.

Yes, Mimi* the "emptiness" occurs with all of us, I imagine. And, I think most with the * did not expect it to be so profound. Also, one can't truly understand it until one goes through it themselves. We have to reconstruct our life encompassing and compensating for it in order to have happiness again. It is doable, and worth it.