Calling a TV guy eager to have something to report on sounds great! In our area one station has uncovered the most outrageous things - course most in state government - but he has also local things similar to what you are going through. I would think this company wouldn't want the bad pub. Good luck, keep pushing. How you like all the cheer leading you're getting from here? ;)
I like all the cheerleading! It helped immensely this morning dealing with other, different problems but with the same company. I mentioned the magical words, " TV station", and that got their attention pronto.
I will catch up on these 32 pages later. Lloyd passed away Monday here at home in his own bed with me and my 3 kids and DIL here.He had been dxd in January 2009 but there had been signs much earlier than that. We knew it was coming someday...that there would be no other resolution to this. I am blessed that I was able to keep all my promises. He never went to a facility. He died at home in his own bed. I was with him right to the end. I only wish I didn't have to put up with the drama from the ones who did not do as they should have. As tonite is calling hours, that will begin then. Only his one cousin has been to the house everyday pretty much. All his family is going to his parents' house. I guess being mom trumps being wife and caregiver...in some people's books. I have been able to maintain dignity for him all the way. That may go a little awry at the funeral home, but I will not tolerate it. Anyone who causes a commotion will be asked to leave. It is still too fresh to even realize the reality of it. I am still waiting for him to come into the room.
Linda, you will be fine. If you are like me you'll be calm until it is over and then you can fall apart. Praying for strenght and peace for you and your family. And as I posted on Facebook I'll be praying for the trouble makers to maintain their dignity and show Lloyd and you the repect you are due.
Linda - I read your account of things on facebook. My story is very much like yours. Thankfully, my sister helped with the drama that could have been when my dh passed. I'll pray for your situation and the coming days. It is the hardest situation I've ever faced and I'm so thankful for all at Joan's and the support given. Hang tough!
Looks like I was the last one to post here so maybe the rest of the widows/widowers are moving on. I'm in a GriefShare group each Wednesday. There is a workbook and also e-mail messages come each day. Today's message was to be honest about the relationship of the one who has died. To not make it something it wasn't. Have you found it hard to look back before az to what was? I've been thinking about that and wonder if others have. Our journey was not really surreal for much more than two years before that we had a fairly normal life. I think I'm being honest about his and my relationship. Anyone have a comment?
To be honest, our relationship before Alzheimer's (and when exactly did that start?) was very good and very bad. Since his death, I can see that he probably did the best he could and prefer to remember the good times. I seldom dream about him, but last night I did. He was in an advanced stage of Alzheimer's, and once again I felt the heart-wrenching sorrow and responsibility. For both our sakes, I'm glad it's over.
I have conversations with my husband in my head. Of course he doesn't have AD so his side of the conversation is normal!!! Before AD we had our bad moments but I never backed down. I didn't back down after he was dx'd either. One time he came up with the idea of selling the house and splitting the money. I asked him then what? He said he would get a place and I could get a place, so then I asked who would cook, clean do the laundry and take him to doctor's appointments. That ended that conversation.
It will be 5 months Saturday since dh died. I am trying to get on with my life but there are things that come up that really take me back to square one. Today I was told about a couple of things that I so wanted to share with him. These things wouldn't matter to anyone but us. Such an empty feeling when there is no one at all to share with. One of my sons tries, he calls almost every evening but he couldn't care less about these trivial things. We talk mostly sports. He is coming to try to put in a new faucet when truly I'd rather hire it done because I'm not sure he really knows how. His dad always did these things and did them well. I'll just keep my fingers crossed and hope it all goes well. I just needed to tell this to someone and this board is read my those who can probably relate to my feelings of emptiness. I keep telling myself that life goes on and there is a plan for me and my job is to find that plan.
You all are so right. When we have no one to bounce our feelings, wants and desires with then is when we know they are really gone and it breaks are hearts in two. Four p.m. is my really bad time. Why I don't really know. But, if I am going to be sad and cry some it seems to come on about this time every day. Maybe it was because Jim slept most of the day and he would always get kind of alert around 4:00 and we would go out and sit on the patio and talk. I did most of the talking and he would nod and smile that sweet little smile. The days are not that bad for me and even the night time is tolerable, but 4:00 p.m. is terrible most days. March 3 would have been his 66th birthday and we were on our last cruise together last year when he turned 65 and he was able to enjoy it so much. I had to order food for him and keep an eye on him at all times...but, he did enjoy that trip.
I miss Lloyd most around bedtime. I look at pictures and I have an 8x10 of hin in a frame and I have his ashes in between the pillow on our bed. And I bought a body pillow and sprayed his after shave on it.
I have decided to change to a twin bed and redo the bedroom. I still hug his pillow as I go to sleep. Our last picture taken together is on the chest right by the bed. I like to look at us and remember those happy days before dementia began ruling our life. Got to look past the last few years and remember what was.
Everything was as it should have been when Lloyd died. He was at home in his own bed with me and my kids there with him. I was at peace with all of it. Then his family had to turn everything after into a circus sideshow and a pissing contest. Family going two separate ways after his funeral. It really hurt me to the point I was throwing up and sick because I was still trying to do and say the right things. No more. I told them all what I thought today. They are ignorant, illiterate bottom-feeders trying to push their guilt and regrets off on me. Won't work. I kept all my promises. They had every opportunity to let Lloyd know how special he was and they blew it. So now they can just suck it up and live with it. I had to deal with his "best friend" who tried to get the lady from my church to take their food to his brother's instead of staying at the family center that I rented. Then there's the brother who used to amuse himself by throwing coins on the carpet to see if Lloyd could find them and pick them up. He tried it again last Christmas and I told him "no more". Then there is the other brother who went to the funeral home family center and gathered up people and had them leave to go to the coin-tossing brother's. They said they didn't want to be where they were uncomfortable. I am done with all of you. I am picking up the pieces and getting on with my life the way Lloyd would have wanted me to. My revenge will be when I succeed at that!
Linda, I understand and have parted ways with lifelong friends over this. It's a harder road at times but I've never regretted being the one who said push off.
If we can learn that we have stood by them and that we are now truly free (and burdened) to live our lives as we see fit, in time I think we learn what that is.
I'm pretty sure most spouses would say "thank you" and hope we can learn to enjoy our lives again.
Wolf, I never realized how much taking care of him could change me. I was just a shell of who I was and certainly not the moxie mouthy opinionated girl that Lloyd fell in love with. Well, it's taken a few weeks, but I am back. He would be so happy. The one constant is that I did keep all my promises to him and I was strong enough to tough it out to the bitter end and allow him to die with dignity at home in his own bed with me and my kids right there with him. What took place in that room was none of his family's business even though it would give them comfort. My 20-yr-old grandson read the 23rd Psalm and every one of those kids got down on their knees around his bed and my oldest daughter prayed. I may never tell them. Well, I might tell his dad...he is a good old soul...I don't know how he puts up with the rest of them. I would imagine it's easy for them to go on like nothing has happened since it would be so easy to pretend he is still over here, just 15 minutes away, but too far for them to drive. Everything is falling into place. With his Social Security and pension and the ex's pension, I don't even have to work anymore. And if I do work, I can earn up to $15,000 per year. He always took good care of me when he was able and oddly, is doing so again. I can pretty much do whatever I want...I lie. My grandson got a dog right before his Grandpa died so now I have to take care of it...alot of the same stuff...drooling, crapping on the carpet. However, I will not take care of that dog to the bitter end. I may have it blue-juiced if it doesn't learn what it needs to know to keep me happy. Love ya guys! Sending strength to get you through and extra {{{hugs}}}.
Awwwww... Linda, you make me proud. The only advise I have for you is to let the family stuff go. It only hurts us and gets in the way of moving on. You handled things with class and you are special.
I attended a bereavement meeting last week and don't believe I will go back at least not to that one. After reading all of the papers given to new people which included the "norms" or rules of the meeting I was asked to share. As I shared, and when others shared, I noticed something that really bothered me. Although the "norms" said not to give advice, I found people interrupting the speakers and doing just that or negating our feelings. I'm sure they just want to make everyone feel better but there is a reason for not giving advice. Our feelings belong to us and we have to work them out in our own time and way. Telling us that we shouldn't feel a certain way or that everyone has felt that way really does more harm than good. After all, who wants to share something so personal if you know someone is going to put you down? There were so many hurting people, it just breaks your heart.
Well, I am done with his family. They really didn't have much to do with us all these years so I don't know why I thought that would be any different. We usually were the ones who made the effort. Avoiding their drama is the best thing for me. I really did want to stay in touch with Dad, but it is best for him if I don't. I really don't want him to feel torn. I am fighting the emptiness that seems at times to grow inside me threatening to consume me if I let it. When things get really bad, I just take Bruno for a loooong walk. Bruno really seems to enjoy this and now spends most of the day laying by the door waiting for the next outing. I would be lost without that dog. I guess he came along when we needed him most. I really don't think I could ever be interested in someone again. How do you settle for something that can't compare to what you had. I don't think I will ever shake that feeling of impending doom. A couple weeks before, I swear that I could feel death coming for him. We stayed in bed longer in the mornings...sometimes until 10:30. I wanted to touch his face all the time and just hold him. I guess I just wanted to get all I could while I could. I'm glad I did even if everything else around this house went to hell.
Tonight would have been our 53rd anniversary. As part of our evening service in temple people are invited to stand and talk about what they are thankful for. Just a few people rise and their talk is brief (or we'd be there all night). Bill has been gone for three years now. I really think the first two years were the easiest. There was so much hurt for so many years that I was blunted and glad it was over. Now the good stuff is coming back and it hurts. It took a long time to happen. I stood and thanked my temple family for being here with me through everything. I felt guilty or lacking because I never cried. I thought I was an evil person because I didn't grieve the way I thought a good wife should. Now I understood what I was told by good and caring persons-you must work through the pain before you can heal. We do it on our own time table.
bluedaze* - my thoughts are with you. This must be a bitter-sweet time for you. I think I will always grieve but eventually it may not hurt so much. I read someplace "if you love, you will grieve".
Will someone who has been to a counselor please tell me how/if it helped with your grief. I have hit a major low and can't see how talking to anyone will change anything. It is what it is and no amount of talking is going to change reality. This was suggested by the nurse/prac who did my physical. She also gave me a prescription for some pills but they would just hide what really is. These kind of pills usually just make me sleepy anyway. I see I was the last to post here so I assume all/most are moving on.
flo-we each grieve in our own way and our own time. You can't do it wrong. Personally-my husband was very ill for a very long time. Along with some anger issues I also grieved along the way. I went to a counselor because I thought it was the thing to do. Didn't work for me. Missing what won't ever be is a huge energy waster. Most of your friends and family probably won't feel comfortable talking about your grief. I hope you will find-as I did-that suddenly you are out of your funk. It might be the first time you notice a flower or enjoy hearing the birds. You will realize that you are still alive. I don't like pills either. Stay with us. Yes-we do move on-but it isn't easy.
Dear Flo, I still go to see a counsellor once a month, and it's been 2 years now that my husband died, and yes, it is helpful, but to a point. I think that Emily said it so well on another post that had to do with with the grief of placing (and I'm paraphrasing here), "It's hard in every phrase of this journey, but we learn to carry on." It's not been long for you since your husband's death, and, yes, there are some plateaus and some major lows. Based on my own experience, I found it best not to take these kind of pills: like you, I get sleepy and my sense of balance gets upset, and I fall. I think that age and general health also play their part and whatever else is going on in your life. But people do adjust, new happiness does come our way. Some days, no. Some weeks, no. How to get through those times is a challenge. One foot after the other seems to be the way. Then other, brighter times come, and you can be unbelievably happy. Do you remember that 60's poster of a kitten with a very bad hair-do who was hanging upside down by its tail? The caption read, "Keep the faith, baby." Much love from me to you.
Years ago when I had a major problem in my life and went to a counsellor, the major thing he ever told me that has continued to helped me in the times that I became depressed over my lifetime. I would do what he said and it was so helpful. Very simple: You can't think of two things at one time....so when you start thinking about what makes you sad immediately change your thought pattern to something else...like "Oh look the sky is really beautiful today. I wonder what groceries I need. Need to write some checks and pay the bills. Got to ck. the TV guide"...Just change your thoughts. After about a week of doing this you will be amazed how easy it is and how it does help to get your mind off the thoughts that make you sad.
There is an inexpensive book, with a DVD included, that I found helpful: "The MIndful Way through Depression" by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and Jon Kabat-Zinn. I have a lot of chronic pain from a rhematoid condition, and this approach works wonders. Jon Kabat-Zinn is a pioneer in this field and has put out a number of DVD's; our public libraries carry them.
My dear wife of 60 yrs, 17 days passed away on March 14. Our children and I had a lovely service for her and a lot of friends and relatives came. That was good. I have been going to the cemetary every day, but, I am going to discontinue that effective today. I came away feeling depressed.
I am going to buy a headstone today so it can be placed by Memorial Day.
I will be following your posts now that I have more time.
Dean, I am sorry to read of your loss. Yes, I think it is a good idea not to do something that leaves you feeling depressed. Sending you love and prayers.
Dean, I am so sorry. You are now on another emotional roller coaster, one that will bring you sorrow and joy and everything in between. One small bit of advice: don't schedule things in a routine manner...allow yourself total flexibility to see how you feel that day. It doesn't matter what others think, because you have to learn a whole new way of life, and how to fill all of the time you spent taking care of her. We're here for you!
I am so sorry Dean. Remember to take each day as it comes and before you know it you wil find somethings to smile about. I try to remember the good things about my life with my husband and there were many wonderful moments in our life. Sending hugs your way.
It is very hard, Dean my deepest sympathy to you. We were married 60 years, 5 months and a week. He died almost 6 months ago.
Frank's 80th birthday would have been Friday and our anniversary is April 25 so all these days are bringing so many memories. Thanks to all who answered my post. I think only those who have walked this dark valley can really know how deep it is. I have not filled the prescription yet. The nurse wanted me to give it a month and come back to her so if I don't take the pills I'll probably cancel the appointment. Adding to my stress is my 91 yr. old sister who I am advocate for. She is in ALF but I take her to the doctor and shopping. She has always been particular and age has only enhanced that to the nth degree. So stress over trying to meet her every need is getting to me too. She still thinks of me as her little sister and doesn't seem to realize that I am almost 80 yrs. old and I get tired too. She is on oxygen and uses a rolator (walker) and getting that in and out of the car and helping her is really getting to be a chore. I think I am depressed over that too and feel guilty when I get short tempered with her. Any other suggestions or experiences from my friends here at Joan's are appreciated.
Is there any way you could get some help in taking your sister shopping and to her doctor appointments? I think it really is too much to ask of you at this time and at your age. The ALF where she is staying could perhaps help you with recommendations; it must be a common situation for them to deal with. Or you can hire an aide from an agency at not too much an hour. If your sister can afford it, it would be money well spent. I've found that if you're willing, you will get all kind of jobs foisted on to you. This is a crucial time for you to heal after years of caregiving, and if you don't take special care of yourself, you can - will - get sick.
Most of the ALF in my area have weekly trips for shopping for the residence. Of course, maybe your sister can't do something like that. Do think about yourself...you don't want to become ill. Take care.
Dean, I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband died February 14th. I am so happy for him that he is free from this disease but so very sad for me. Take care and know you are in my prayers. Ruth
My sincere thanks to all of you for your nice comments and concerns. I have been posting and reading on these boards for several years and I have always found them helpful. Thanks to Joan for the website and for the nice people she has assembled.
Well....It is a different world now and I am having to learn to deal with it. It helps when I remind myself that many of you have already made this journey admirably and, if you can do it, I can too. Better days will come.
The one thing I haven't answered, or understood yet, is that, for someone reason I always thought that my wife would live longer than I would. I suppose that that was the way we were raised even tho nobody ever told us that. But, typing this just made me realize that not everything has a pat answer to it and in the long run, an answer, or explanation isn't necessary.
See---I am already getting better. I just answered my own question.
Thank all of you for being here for each other. Like others have said, I would give anything if you didn't need this website.
Dean, I'm so sorry. You seem to be handling things really well, and while this chapter of your life will never be fully closed, I hope you'll be able to begin a new chapter soon.
Since there is an * beside most of the names here, where better to ask a question from one who just recently joined your ranks.
Last evening, some old friends (4 couples) that my wife and I used to socialize with invited me to dinner at one of there house. In the old days, this would have been a routine evening with good friends, good fellowship, and good food. So, what was different? There were four couples and me. I felt alone and like something was missing. Which it was, ie my wife.
I had a nice dinner, visited with everyone, didn't talk about my wife very much, thanked them,and left at the right time with some of the others. I know that these people were very kind and wanted what was best for me and I appreciate them.
I don't know why I am posting this because I know there isn't an 'answer'. But, it helped me to write it. Thank all of you for your patience.