This is probably off topic but.....tomorrow, I am walking in the Walk for Memories which raises funds for Alzheimer's. It was enormously emotional last year and will probably be emotional again this year.
jang*, you wondered who ever does fly fishing anymore -- well I have a good friend who does and has even written a book about his fly fishing adventures all over the world. I'm sure he'd be able to put Gord's hand tied flies to good use. You could read about him at www.smashwords.com/profile/view/FrankPerkins if you're interested.
I am Gourdchipper*. More than anything, I want Gord's things to go to someone who will use them and see their worth. I asked my son who lives in Canada ( as opposed to the one who lives in Japan) if he wanted his dad's baseball glove. He said no as if I had asked a completely stupid question. I asked my grandson if he would like grandpa's baseball glove. He asked if it was signed by anybody famous. I am at a loss. Doesn't anyone want things because they remind them of the person whom they loved?
Jang, I feel like you do about our children not wanting things that belonged to loved ones who have passed on and I agree that it is very sad. Perhaps if you told your grandson that you wanted him to have his Grandpa's glove because of their mutual love of the game, he would understand that the glove is a memento, not just a 'glove'. I've found that my kids don't mean to be thoughtless. They just don't understand.
I know the feeling two great sets of china an noone wants to be bothered with it,what the hell does everyone eat out or off paper plates?Four daugthers an apparently their too busy to ever use anything that would require any care when handling.I guess they forgot when they were little the holidays that they all ate meals off good china.Its a differant world out there folks,I guess its leaving most of us "old folks" far behind.
ol don*, I'm actually amazed that your daughters don't want their mother's china. My sister has my mothers china/silver and I have my dear aunts. Everytime I use them I think of her and her husband and how much they meant to me. But as you say, I guess I'm an "old folk" now. There is no "next generation" in my family, so what to do with all the china, silver and crystal?
Perhaps a granddaughter might be interested at some point?
I have the same problem, LFL. China that was my husband's mother and grandmother! Beautiful limoges, some hand painted. DH's only has one son, and he doesn't want it. I have no one else to offer it to. I use it often though. I don't save things for use later. If it gets broken, it gets broken.
Flo39*, I haven't felt disloyal. We had 45 wonderful years and the last 5 were very stressful with AD, but I took the best care of him I knew how, and made his last years as comfortable and pleasant as I could. After the total of 50 years, I had a year and a half of numbness, and adjusting. Then, I found I was comfortable being "me" and living alone. Now I am looking forward to my future. He would want me to. He wouldn't want me to continue mourning or crying over what could have been if AD hadn't intevened. I don't think any of our spouses would feel that way. We two are no longer one. He is gone and I am here. Nothing I can do can bring him back.
We did the best we could, we will always love them and hopefully remember the better times, while we make a new life for ourselves. No guilt or disloyalty allowed!
By the way, on the subject of china, or equipment, or other items of our spice, after offering them to the kids, then the grandkids, I found that shelters are so very grateful to have them and they will continue to do some good. Some people who have expensive items that were passed down and there is no one to pass them to, sell them on ebay and they then those items have a home where they are appreciated. I'm fortunate that my kids wanted my husband's things and want my things when I go.
Did I tell you I'm going on a Baltic Cruise this summer with my daughter? <grin>
How quickly this journey teaches us "things" are just things.....and how we don't need a lot of things when it's all said and done. Mary, I like you accept my loss, I feel my pain and don't show it to to many people. Only those that really care. I am proceeding in life with the thought that life is now a journey alone. And like many have said. "I like me and my company is good :)" I have signed up to do a half marathon in March in Hawaii (I am a walker). I will travel alone and I am just fine with that. I find nothing depressing about it ....my life going foward is alone. But I will also meet my girlfriends for my yearly trip, visit my son and grandchildren through out the year and live my life trying to do good where I can, that is my pledge to myself. As a young (ish) widow the pain and lose will never leave me and that's ok too I own that. A love of a life time is to be cherish as the gift it was, how lucky I am to have had that, it's a treasure that comes with a great pain in the loss.
As always there are advantages and disadvantages to all walks of life. It is so terrible to be a widow or widower regardless of how old you are. We often comment on how terrible it is to lose the love of our life at an early age and for the mate to pass at such a young age. But it has the advantages of time left to explore and develope new adventures for the future. Some of us older folks don't have that time left or the health to go with new adventures. However, in exchange we had our loved ones for many years. Regardless we must all try our best to move on and live each day and learn to "live" this journey alone if that is the way it is going to be. Loved your post Terry 54.
Mary, Have a great time on your Baltic cruise. We did it with Holland America cruise line before AD. That was 2004, and we took the QM2 its first year of operation to England then flew to Copenhagen for the Baltic cruise. Loved every minute of it.
So many good comments here. Judith, you have a good point about the older we are the longer we have them with us vs the younger we are, we have more time left to explore and develop new adventures.
Mary and I both enjoy travel. But, she is still working 9 to 5 and doesn't have as much available time as I do.
No, Flo, I feel no guilt about going forward with my life. Guilt is not an option for me. I, like mary, did the best I could for my dh, while he was here and I was able to keep him home the entire time. I did not have many of the worse concerns a lot of you here are experiencing.
Terry, how great you are going to be doing the Marathon. Another friend of mine is going to try and do a Marathon later this spring and I imagine she will be posting about it here. My daughter and I don't walk that much but we plan on doing a local 2 mile late this summer.
Sorry some of you are having problems with your precious things. Like Mary, my kids want all my stuff from the past. I have already gave them everything that I am not currently using. Now, I can go "visit my things". Mary had a good suggestion about that or perhaps you have a good friend who would Love to have a treasure from you. You might be surprised. I would love to have nice dishes or such to remember a good friend by. (Mary, I would love your aunt's china) (grin)
Take care...make new memories and live life to the fullest...
I hope its OK for me to put my “2 cents” in, even though I don't have a * ….. yet. My DH has been in the Veterans Home since October & for the last 4 weeks he's been in a facility an hour & a half away to adjust his medications & I've only been to see him once. I sorta feel like a widow. Even when he was only 10 minutes away & I went to see him almost every day, I was alone more then I was with him & as you all know even when I was with him it wasn't really “him.” I am getting used to being alone & doing things alone. Like Terry54 said, “ I like me and my company is good :)" I think in my case when my DH passes away my transition to widowhood (is that a word?) won't be as difficult as if I would have had him home with me. That isn't to say I won't mourn him or miss him, but as we have said, we are mourning all along........we mourn every time our LO's decline. When he gets back to the Veterans Home I will continue to visit him as often as I can. I don't feel guilty going forward, I just feel sad that it can't be with him.
Thanks to all who replied to my post. Terry those are beautiful thoughts. I must be going through another phase of grief. I've had classes on grieving when I was a volunteer at a crisis center and how we were to respond to callers with that on their mind. It is entirely different now that I'm living through this. Today is a particularly low day but I'll get through it. There seems to be a plot and a sub plot in every story. The sub plot in mine adds another brick to the one already on my chest. I have one son who is trying very hard to keep my spirits up and talking probably helps him too. He and his dad were very close. The other son is handling his grief by not talking about it and the daughter is her usual needy self. It's always all about her. I'm sure there are others reading this who can see their own family. I wish I could just concentrate on my own grief and not feel so selfish. Thanks for letting me vent once again.
It's not that long ago that your husband died,and you are going through the worst part of the grief. This is normal, can't be ignored or postponed. To do so would cause great damage to you. Go with it. It will lessen, I promise you.
Mary75* is correct. It took me a year of a roller coaster ride of grief days and good days to be able to find a new life for myself. And I'm still taking baby steps in my new life. When they used to talk about a year of "wearing black" I now think it was because it took that long for a lot of people to adjust to their grief, the families' grief, and being alone. There are always a lot of exceptions, especially with AD, because we mourn from the time of diagnosis, and think we are prepared for it - but we're not. There is the peace that we know that they aren't suffering any more, but there is the big hole in our hearts that can never be filled too. Give yourself time.....and don't allow yourself to feel guilty because you are alive and he's not, or because you didn't do enough, or for any reason. One of the first things I had to learn is "go with the flow" - not get upset about things I had no control over (I was a very organized person and organized the whole family - during AD, I taught them to organize themselves and I let go - so now I take care of ME - funny, they now want me to let them take care of me! I'm to healthy and happy to do that as yet! <grin>).
Elaine, what you are describing is what I experienced. I started acting like a widow, remaking my life, when my husband was still alive. Once I was no longer going to see him every other day because he no longer reacted to the fact that someone was visiting, I started thinking about what came next.
flo*, no. I've never felt guilty that I was still alive and that I have the ability to enjoy that fact. I've felt sad. I've felt numb and deep in grief, but no guilt. I did the best I could for as long as he needed me. It wasn't perfect, but when I no longer could be the one who took care of him, I was his advocate and made sure he was safe and well cared for. What would make me feel guilt was if I wasted the years that are left. I'm 71. I could last another 30 years without even being unusual. But 10, 15 or 20 is actually very likely. I'm not going to waste those years.
I'm still in the baby step stage although it might not look like it from the outside. This week I felt the extreme enthusiasm of a new interest for the first time since my husband got sick. I used to feel like that all the time. What was shocking was that suddenly that part of me was back and I realized just how long that part of me had slept. I've had new interests, and they have been fun, but this kind of intensity has been missing from my life for a decade.
flo, please do not feel any guilt for trying to move into tomorrow. You will never forget the 60 years you spent together, but now you have to go on without him. You loved your husband and worked hard at keeping him safe and happy up to the minute you said goodbye.
We can't bring them back, all we can do is keep getting up each day and do something - anything. It may take six months - it may take a year - to feel less grief-stricken. We all move through the grief process differently. It is not being selfish to feel sad for yourself, and let your adult children handle their own grief however they see fit.
Keep on trying - that's what I am doing. Like you, I have some really bad days, but some days I even laugh.
And laugh we must.... One of the new friends I have has bone cancer and is going through chemo for the second time. I check on her every day and she tells me that I make her laugh. Her courage is very inspiring to me. She tells me that she doesn't want someone feeling sorry for her but someone to just be her friend. That I can do.
At GriefShare group this week there was a very young widow with two children under six years old - I don't remember their ages. She had a stroke when one of them was being born and this left her with short term memory loss. Because of her disability she cannot advance in her job at the local hospital so any raises in pay are not going to happen. Her husband died just before Christmas from cancer. He had been married before and there were children from that marriage also. She had just learned that she the second wife doesn't get social security from the husband that only her children do. She was devastated. So I didn't have anything - anything to say about my problems which are nothing compared to that poor woman. She isn't yet 40 years old. This family attends our church and our class has helped out with many things for them. I left feeling like a real wimp. There are always those with worse conditions.
Oh flo39* I am so sorry to hear about this young woman's struggle. Apparently her marriage to her husband didn't meet the SS requirements to receive benefits. Yes, many others have it worse, sometimes much worse than we do but it doesn't lessen the pain and loss we feel. It just puts it into a different perspective, but no less painful.
Widows can start collecting at age 62 IF their marriage had lasted at least 10 yrs. If the marriage took place after she turned 65, then it doesn't have to be a 10-year marriage. Any length will do. Children under the age of 18 get SS benefits right away, I think.
I don't know how long the woman I wrote about had been married but my thought was it must not have been 10 years and the first wife is getting the social security benefits. Her late husband was older than she but I don't know much more. Anyway it is a sad situation.
I posted this in the "Bereavement" discussion for brindle, and I thought others might be interested. Especially those who have recently lost their spouse.
****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************** brindle, you might get some ideas from our "AD Widows and Widowers" at the top of Joan's Discussion Page....where we who are dealing with our grief and problems and sometimes happiness have posted - and we still continue to try to help each other. We're family here...even AFTER for a lot of us!
It's been over a year and a half, and I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life either. But life is easier, no stress, I'm in good health, and I know that I have a future ahead of me - that will be what I want it to be....when I figure it out. In the meantime, I still work full time, and take a couple of vacations a year. I stay in touch with a lot of the spice from Joan's who are now widows and widowers, and some of us travel together.
My daughter helped me get the house de-cluttered a lot in the first two months AFTER, before she had to return to her teaching job. That was such a big help. I didn't want to do it alone, and it had to be done. I have a 12 inch deep plastic tub that is about 18 x 24, that has my husband's death certificate, important papers, his eyeglasses, his wristwatch, and memorabilia that I want to keep and want the kids to have after I'm gone. Some of his things, like his knife collection and pipe collection I have already given to our sons. I bought a new bedroom set because it is easier to go to bed in my bed than it was in our bed.
There are days when you don't want to get up and get dressed, and that is okay. There are days when you can't stand to stay in the house another minute, and that is okay. Whatever YOU want to do is okay!!! You have to unwind from years of having to do things. It takes time. We feel lost. That is okay too. You will be on an emotional roller coaster for several months. Just hang on. It will get easier.
When I find out what I want to do with the rest of my life, I'll post it here at Joan's.....and even then we can always change our minds! That is okay too!!!
Mary is so right. After many years of being controlled by the disease it comes as a shock to suddenly be faced with so many life changes. Putting the dreaded X in the widow box is painful. I was finally free-but free to do what??? I am fortunate to live in a 55+ community with more activities available than I could ever participate in. Lots of single and widowed women. I still work with hospice which I do not find depressing. This Monday I will participate in a dementia/hospice program. High spot of my week is working with first and second graders. I'm back into growing orchids and have garden shows almost every month. I live in Florida so something is always about to bloom-including allergies :)
There was a squib in this morning's newspaper advertising the availability of Barbershop Quartet or Sweet Adeline singers to deliver a singing valentine next Thursday or Friday, and I find it hard to believe that it was only four years ago that I had them here to sing for DW Frances. She had really perked up when I told her that she was in for a special surprise that day, and she had even suggested that maybe she should put on a bra (for the first time in many months). When the Barbershoppers arrived she carried it all off beautifully -- congratulating the guys on how handsome they all looked in their tuxedos and bragging on their singing, and graciously accepting a box of chocolates and a long stemmed red rose. I had told them that we had been Barbershoppers/Sweet Adelines in our younger years, so when they announced their next song they intended to do and asked Frances if she had ever sung this one, she replied "Oh yes, many times!" Three months later she was under hospice care here at home, and three months after that she slipped away peacefully in the night with me holding her hand.
We were lucky in that the progression of her disease had been gradual, so that we were able to treat it as just an increasingly inconvenient “memory problem” for several years, even in the face of an early “probable AD” diagnosis, until I was finally forced to research things like life expectancy, etc. when we had to step in and place her widowed next younger sister in an assisted living facility because of AD. I guess that was my wakeup call – with the engineer in me finally accepting the inevitability of her death and beginning to consider “Where do we go from here?” I knew that I wouldn’t wish to live alone – I had been half of a marriage partnership for 60 years – virtually all of my adult life – and I knew that Frances wouldn’t wish me to be alone – we had discussed such eventualities long before she developed AD. So, with the encouragement of family, when Frances was no longer able to keep our longstanding weekly luncheon date with her widowed best friend, Joyce, (and my acknowledged second best girlfriend for fifty something years), I screwed up my courage and continued the luncheons in the months preceding hospice involvement. And then some months following Frances’s death I began actively “courting” Joyce, and we married only seven months after her death – with full support and understanding by family and friends.
I wish I could say that it’s been a bed of roses from that point forward, but that’s probably just not in the cards for a couple of mid-octogenarians (I turned 85 last week and Joyce 86 this week). We had to deal with Joyce’s three-month bout with very painful shingles (for which age is a definite risk factor) shortly after our marriage, then her increasingly debilitating back pains for a year and a half until she finally consented to spine surgery (which wouldn’t have been available a few years earlier), then a wait for the surgery to be scheduled and performed a bit over a year ago, and then a good part of a year in recuperation from the near-miraculous surgery that has left her virtually pain free for the first time in fifty or more years. And then about time she was good to go again, I developed my own case of the shingles just before Thanksgiving and am still suffering painful aftereffects for which I’m taking medications that leave me clumsier and stupider than usual! I guess it's this large amount of water that has flowed under the bridge in the past four years that makes Valentine's Day 2009 seem so long ago.
But foreseeing brighter days ahead, I traded for a larger motorhome last spring and have great plans for a wonderful two-month trip “Out West” beginning this spring. Our itinerary includes hitting west Texas around June first to catch the wonderful aroma of whitebrush perfuming the air around a favorite city campground in Mason, then working our way slowly through NM, favorite parks in AZ and UT, and spending Labor Day in Lander, WY for a wonderful small town parade and rodeo and then fireworks lighting up the night sky. And then the return trip does a bit more of WY, lots of CO with maybe some gem hunting, then more of NM including Taos and Santa Fe, and then hitting Mountain View, AR, for a weekend of “pickin’ on the courthouse square”, then visiting MS kin before finally heading back to FL. Joyce hasn’t fully signed up to the idea of a two-month trip yet, but I’m determined, so if she digs her heels in, then I may be in the market for a different traveling partner – any potential takers out there?
Sounds great to me...only joking. You will have a great time. I have been in every state in the Union. This is a big and beautiful country and lots to see and do.
Chipper when I read that I sat here bawling my eyes out,years ago I did the same thing but they sang
"Because" oh how I wish I could do it again.... Because you come to me with nought save love And hold mine hand and lift mine eyes above A wider world of hope and joy I see Because you come to me
Because you speak to me in accent sweet I find the roses waking round my feet And I am led through tears and joys to thee Because you speak to me
Because God made thee mine I'll cherish thee Through light and darkness, through all time to be And pray His love may make our love divine Because God made thee mine
Beautiful and I am sending hugs your way. Remembering can bring on a crying spell but can also make us smile. Cordis died on February 22nd last year and I am doing some crying and some smiles.
ol don, I know that Mahalia Jackson does a powerful rendition of "Because", but could that also have been one of the Schmitt Brothers' favorites? We had the pleasure of seeing(hearing) them at the very first Barbershop show we attended in 1956, along with the Confederates and Mid-States Four -- all former international champs -- what a show! I can't actually remember what the quartet sang for Frances four years ago -- I made a video of the whole thing, but it would be too painful for me to choose to watch it right now. And yes, we could use a tenor -- I'll do my best to handle lead on some of the old chestnuts, but I'm afraid I might hit some clinkers because I don't hear too well anymore, even with state of the art hearing aids.
What great things to remember. I always loved that song and so many others. Do some of your remember the song "Little Girl".??? My first boy friend had a nice voice and he use to sing that song to me. You all talking about "Because" reminded me of that. Now most of the songs have 5 verses with 10 words repeated and repeated.
I'm putting this here rather than start a new topic because I think that I wouldn't have this problem if I weren't a widow. Be forewarned, this is a bit of a rant, but I do want some practical advice if anyone can offer it:Has anyone any advice on handling this situation? Workmen’s trucks, workmen who have subcontracted by a construction company, frequently block the exit to my lane garage. This company specializes in building small houses on city lots that already have a larger houses on them. I have tried many approaches, but the problem is escalating. The contact person at the construction company is not helpful; in fact, he is rude. Today, I’m sending registered letters to the Mayor of the city and to the city’s developmental department, with a copy to the construction company. The police say to phone the city and report “an infringement of a bylaw” and that the city will send someone out. All of this takes time, energy and my fuse is growing mighty short. Meanwhile, I have appointments to meet and am feeling frustrated as hell. I don’t like being blocked from leaving my property, I don’t like being treated abusively by workmen, or the company that has hired them. (Approaching the owner of the property: I'll ask the city to do that, as he is part of the problem. His next door neighbour – a very nice couple who belong to the same church as I do - sold his house and moved because of the problems he and his wife had had with him.)
I don't have any answers but I am surprised the police can't give them a ticket for blocking your drive and then enforce it with the construction company. A hefty fine might put a stop to that. That would happen in our town I think but then I've never had that happen so I really don't know. Good luck and keep pushing it. You should not have your driveway blocked!
mary75--funny ligh bulb came on. If you have any connections to any Department higher-up person, maybe you could arrange for them to stop by your home early, on way to work to get some papers, or a donation for one of their programs, and when that person was blocked in and couldn't get to work---for a meeting or event-- calls could be made. That way it isn't just "inconveniencing a little old lady". There's potential for a mdia circus nin this too. I know, not what you want, but could be effective. Tarnishes the image of building lower income housing by inconveniencing elderly and vi/olat/ing ordinances.
mary75, girl y ou seem to attrack the carion! ha. after doing all i could verbally, i would just put up a large official looking sign, DO NOT BLOCK DRIVEWAY, TOW ENFORCED. if they dont get it, then i would tow the vehicle blocking *taking a pic of it prior of course( and i would bet my drive would be free and clear. :) but thats just me.. grin
I am confused by the term "lane garage." Do you mean a private driveway or they are blocking a shared alleyway.
If they are blocking your personal driveway you probably can just call a tow company to tow it away. I don't think you would need to give any warning. But check with local police first. I know when others in my community have had this problem sometimes the police would tow the car away, other times say get a private towing service.
Or start walking outside with a really large sledge hammer and swing it around.
Paulc, they are blocking a shared alley by parking (pointing West) outside the door of my garage (opening to the South) horizontally, which means I can't get out. Before I googled Divvi's link, I thought I would have a half-hour wait to get the tow truck out to my area of the city. But now I see by the photo on her link that the city has a whole fleet of two trucks, and the wait time is probably far less. Thanks to everyone for their input. I'm using everyone's suggestions, and I've peppered every possible outlet to get my point across. That's not quite true: I haven't contacted radio or TV stations yet, but I will if I have to.