Looks super from here. Great job...well done. I put my tree up the Friday after Thanksgiving....going to have 20 here on Christmas eve. My dh always loved Christmas and decorating the outside of the house. None of that this year...but, the inside looks super.
Going to be thinking about selling this house after the first of the year and moving into a mobile home park with a great club house and lots going on. My kids tell me...this house and me just staying in it all the time will kill me. And, they may be right.
After my husband's passing I picked up on the volunteerism he had done-in his honor. After a while I started volunteering with hospice and found myself again. I am an RN and it is the only profession I was ever interested in. I still mentor in the schools-the kids are adorable. Recently I joined a FB group of Florida orchid growers. Bringing a plant into blossom is a challenge but every new bud I see is a affirmation of life. I'm actually starting to feel happiness again.
So true...so true. You are a real role model bluedaze and have helped so many here including me. Right now I am stuck om "nothing"....I got to get a life. First time I have ever lived alone since I was 20. I am fine during the day, but the evenings are killing me. But, I am a fighter and I know what I need and I shall seek it out...right after the New Year ...there will be a new me.
JudithKB*, you will find that those baby steps to becoming a "new me" will have setbacks...two steps forward and one step back. And that is okay, because you are still moving forward. You will still miss him as he was, and you will still have periods of loneliness, but if you can find a couple of activities for early evening (movies with a friend or just dinner out), saving the other evenings for hobbies or reading, or even games online like Scrabble, Words With Friends, or card games..those occupy your mind until you are content just being by yourself. I've never lived alone before in my life either. I went from my parents, to my roommate in college, to marriage. I have adjusted....but it took a year and a half to get here!
We are not only fighters, we are winners!!!!! We have survived, and now are putting the pieces together so that we can turn the page in our life's book. As Scarlett said (bless her heart) "Tomorrow is another day."
All of you are amazing. I put my Christmas tree up this year. Gord was not a Christmas person. I finally took the sympathy cards off my piano. There was a ton of dust there. My volunteer work helps me and has from the start. I am going to Japan to help my son in March and to bond with my granddaughter whom I have not seen for 5 years. I guess I am doing the baby steps too, Mary.
jang, it's good to hear from you again! How WONDERFUL that you are going to Japan. I'm so excited for you. I placed my DH in the Veterans Home October 5th & I have just spent 2 weeks 900 miles away with my siblings & cousins. I needed the break. Sounds like you are moving in the right direction with those baby steps. I hope you have a Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year. PLEASE let us know when you go to Japan & tell us all about it! (((HUGS))).
Another "first" for me today as I went to talk about a new car. I have a nice pickup for a trade as well as the car but the poor car is on it's last leg or should I say wheel so not much offered for it. I never cared what car dh bought so didn't ever go along. I'm not a car person just want one to get me there and bring me home. My car is going to need major repairs and is not worth it. DIL will go with me Monday to talk again. She is a knowledgeable gal about cars from a family business they are in. I'm feeling pretty insecure about the whole deal - just don't want to pay too much. I should be able to trust this dealership as I know the owner and his family. But still being my first major purchase without dh to discuss it with makes me nervous. JudithKB - I have never lived alone until now and it is so hard to get used to. The afternoon and evening seem to stretch on and on. I've found I can waste some time playing computer games. I need to stay out of the room where we watched TV because there is his empty chair and the table where the magazines he didn't read for the last few weeks of his life are still stacked. I should move them, give them away or trash them something to mess up that table. I cry every time I look at that scene. I hope time does take care of this as others keep telling me it will. Hate to wish my life away but I do want this time to go quickly so I can get a life again. Some how I don't think I can just wish this away. After 60 years with someone I loved so dearly it is going to take lots of time to find me and a new life for me.
Flo, it is hard. I still have Gord's magazines on the end table. From the time he had sciatica, he lay on the floor to watch tv. His collection of cushions was right where he always laid until I had to stuff them under the Christmas tree in the hope of discouraging Cleo from going under there. Didn't work. Now she lies on them. Once the tree is gone, the cushions will go right back where they have always been. Some things can't change.
Elaine, a Merry Christmas to you and yours also. I will let you know. I will not be seeing much as Tim works 7 days a week and I will be bonding with my granddaughter. It won't be easy after an ugly divorce and 4 years apart.
Flo, do you have someplace you can move your DH's chair to..in another room? That's what I did a few months after my husband's passing. I never sat in HIS chair, and like you, it reminded me of him every time I looked at it. It did help to rearrange that room and have only ONE recliner in there.
I believe most of us have either bought new bedroom furniture, rearranged the family room and made other moves - and as hard as it may sound, it does make a difference.
Be strong. and look to the future. It's all we can do.
Wow....I know the feeling of what furniture and arrangements can do for you....and it isn't good. After about a month or maybe less I had to get rid of the couch and chair that he sat in and slept in and I got new furniture because it was just a constant reminder of how much I missed him. I even added a new little color change with candles, picutre frame, etc. to give the room an entirely new feeling and a new area rug in front of the couch. It made a world of difference in how I feel when I am in the room now with new things and some of the old things but located in a different positions in the room. I even made two new pillows to help the change. It lessens the hurt...but, it doesn't lessen the knowledge that they are gone...but, it sure helps the hurt.
If you can't afford new furniture, etc. Maybe try slipcovers to give the room a new look. I am going to get a slipcover for a wingback chair I have to give a newer look to the room.
I have thought of giving dh recliner to our son who could surely use a different chair. Don't know if son would take it as he is missing his dad very much. This son is a bachelor and lives close so they helped each other with many projects. But it is a thought. I'm going to talk to a realtor friend next month about listing my home. It may not be easy to sell as there are 5 acres so lots to care for. I've looked into buying a condo closer to town. All this goes through my mind from 12 to 4 a.m. What a crazy life I have now. I also want different bedroom furniture. Dh was a woodworker as a hobby so I have many pieces of furniture that I won't part with but the rest is many years old and some new stuff would surely lift my spirits I think.
Flo, the rule of thumb is not to do anything major for one full year. I don't know if that's valid advice or not. Maybe if you have a good real estate market now, it would be OK, but if it's sagging, don't sell your home for less than what it is worth. I am with you, my friend. I sold my house about 2 years after losing DH.
It's not better., but it did enable me to deal with all of his 'stuff', ... things I'd have left in place forever if I wasn't moving.
After reading Wolf’s most recent entry on the Caregivers with Spouse in Placement Thread, I realized that, from the very start of our relationships, we do not face the mortality of our spouse or our own. Even with Dx, we consciously fix on the here and now, keeping the prognosis well out of sight—out of mind. What I found, was that through the years of hands-on Caregiving, my subconscious worked on the knowledge, but without any kind of ending date, that isn’t as effective an adjustment as it would be with one. I had known for a long time, I would lose Ron, but with no time frame I was stalled. When the Cardiologist said he expected we’d have about a year, I could move forward again. Losing him a month later was a shock, but not a drastic one.
Long before Dementia came aboard, we lived healthy, active lives, both independent of our spouses and in conjunction with them. We could have a day out with friends, laugh, argue, joke, tease, with never a thought that they might not be having as good a time, themselves. We need to realize that together-but-separate is a healthy relationship. -Dementia messes with that. It’s my guess that if we’d held on to that basic piece of our relationship, our adjustments to be coming single again might not, probably would not be so difficult in our here and now. What I know, is that it is taking me time to recuperate from hands-on Caregiving, physically. Mentally and emotionally it is taking time to realize boundaries are lifted. I have choices. What to do, or not; to enter another close relationship/ or not; take a job? Write a book? I think ruling out anything needs to be done sparingly. Carefully. Every little baby step we take, every connection we make or build helps us write the new chapter of our life
Carosi, you've given me lots to think about, and it is comforting. I look back at the many mistakes I've made, but when I hold them up to your analysis, they look more like faltering steps in the right direction. Thanks for saying it so lucidly.
Well, I bought a car today another "first". I traded dh's pickup and the old car for a 2012. Be so nice to have a reliable vehicle again. I've been driving the gas guzzler pickup, a very nice ride but not economical at all. I did have a good cry tonight after I sold his pickup that he loved. But then I cry over seeing his handwriting. Some days are worse than others and I think I'm losing my grip on things.
It's feels like that sometimes but is it? You need a reliable car and gas is expensive so you traded in the gas guzzler and the old car and bought one that probably uses much less gas.
Many things go in waves in life and you are not losing your grip. You achieved another "first'.
Your comments are so true Carosi2*. I never considered losing Gord. I had thought as far as placement. Doctors were telling me that he was young and strong and could easily last another 10 years.
When you think of the years during which we cared for them, we didn't have any freedom. When they are gone, that is all that we have and I for one don't always know what to do with it.
I have an idea and I wonder what anyone thinks about it.
I would like to see a thread started that gathers experiences that makes a step happen, or feels different, or resolves something with the story of what happened and what the person thinks about it.
Let me explain. I don't think recovery is the main business of the board; but, it IS the main business of those with a star and to some degree those with a spouse in a residence. There are many people here with those two experiences and some of us have moved on or are finding a way - and some of us are stuck and need some help.
I see it as a thread where people say what they think helped them and gather stories who's main common point is to give people live examples of what other's are doing and going through that they think helped them, or changed something, or looking back what you can see is different. Like taking a first trip or how someone conquered eating alone in a restaurant or some day where we realize we feel ok. It can be all sorts of things but the general topic is life afterwards and steps that are part of that and how some of us found them or how someone asking can.
A title might be "The journey's to lives afterwards" or something of that nature.
Wolf’s idea, I think, makes a lot of sense, bu t I think the events and efforts shared can benefit all Caregivers because these efforts are what will get us through the Dementia journey, the loss, and the building of what we’ve referred to as our “After”. These are not the events and efforts of the actual caregiving (what the main boards cover), but rather the efforts we make for our own survival. Some of them can be done early in the journey, some only at certain crossroads, and still others, only as our path leaves the Dementia Highway and we have to plot our continuing road for ourselves. I’ll try to begin. Look for “Journeys to lives afterwards”
Oh how much I need to find that path to "life after". I'm struggling more than I could ever have imagined. Some days I think I just don't care if I live another day and wish I wouldn't. This is against my core beliefs as I was taught and I believe that our life has a plan from God and He is in charge. I know this but the loneliness is overwhelming. I do try to get out and attend things but always have to come back to this empty house where I see dh everyplace. I think of moving then I think what will I do with all this stuff and who will help me? It has been 3 months since his death and I'm sure the people I see think I should be getting on with my life. But I don't know how or what that life is supposed to be. There is an underlying problem with my dd that involves money. She brings out the worst in me and this doesn't help me. I feel like this area of my life is completely out of control and I don't know how to get it back. I hope someone on this board will have something to help me begin to find my way. Nothing can replace dh, of course but if I could just begin to live again. I've never had a weight problem but I have put on pounds in the past months and I wonder if I'm eating without realizing what I'm doing. I've cried for two days and then go for days that I can't cry. It is nuts. Thanks for listening.
flo39* is there a way to get some grief counseling to help y ou move thru this very difficult part of loss? maybe someone at your church? or a local grief support group? three months isnt very long and i feel it is probably natural for you to have such tremendous feelings of loss. there are many here who have lost their spouses recently and are feeling the same. some take longer than others. i think everything is at your own pace. hugs and peace to you flo. if you had hospice near the end or maybe someone at the facility where he was would have info on a local group. divvi
divvi's idea is good. You didn't get to this point overnight. It's going to take time---on yourtime table. Do what you can, when you can. I've started a Thread, at Wolf's suggestion., where Spouses can share what they have done, to get through this and build their new life. Many have done so, many are doing so, we can too.
flo39*, please consider, please find grief counseling or find someone you can talk to. I've gone back to look for the book someone suggested on this sight about grief and I can't find it. I got it on my kindle and I can't find my kindle with it to tell you the name. So if anyone knows the name or checks in please give Flo the title. It goes through the phases of grief and it suggests if you feel a certain way or your not moving in the best direction for you to seek help. We never get over the loss of our beloved......never, and the pain will always be with us but we go on with life....we are living and must give testament to the love we shared and the care we gave. Flo don't let this dreaded disease rob you any further. I miss my DH as much today as I did in July but I also know that he's watching over me. Please Flo, counselor, support group something to help you now feel so alone.
I found that 3 months after my husband died to hold the hardest and deepest grief, and I've since heard that this is common. It happened that way with my mother's death, too. It should lighten up from now on.
Wolf, I like the idea of a "Recovery" thread. I am struggling after my husband's death, and would welcome hearing about any methods/tools that helped others survive after the heartbreaking loss of their loved one.
FayBay, thank you. It is an excellent book and was a huge help for me. And your last paragraph:I will say something that I have not seen anyone else say. For me, as hard as all those years of caregiving were for me, living without him is even harder. This is a truest statement !!! The only thing I am reminded of in my heart is that is that it was "harder for him" and as much as I want him back my love for him tells me that's to selfish a request. I have made peace with the acceptance of his passing but I also know the rest of my lifetime, everyday the pain of a broken heart will always remain. So I struggle each day with floods of memories that a moments notice I cry and laugh.
I attended a Griefshare group last night at my church. Griefshare.org if anyone would want to go to their website. There was a couple there whose only child a 17 yr. old son died a couple of years ago after a lifelong battle with muscular dystrophy. There were 3 other widows and the facilitator. There is a book that goes with the series with daily pages to read and fill out. There was a share time and I did tell my story briefly ending in tears. I am not an outgoing person with friends much less those I've just met. The purpose of this group is to help a grieving person to understand their feelings. I am praying I can begin to find how I'm supposed to go on. This is a feeble step. Many thanks to all who took the time to offer comments and suggestions to my post. I understand there is nothing that is going to fix my grief except time and everyone's timetable is different. One comment from last night I remember was "if you loved much you will also hurt much". So that explains why my hurt is so extreme, I know. I have several books that were given to me at the time of Frank's death. One from a son "When Your Soul Aches" by Lois Mowday Rabey is written for widows by a woman who saw her husband die in a hot air balloon accident. I found it was helpful to a degree. However, this was a young woman at the time who has since remarried and I think her outlook is different than mine in some ways. But some might find it just what is needed.
It seems to me there are two kinds of grief. At first when I lost my dh in late Aug. I was just in total grief and couldn't say his name, talk about him without crying or stop thinking about him. Every where I turned were reminders of him and most days at 4:00 p.m. I would start crying and cried off and on during the evening hours.
Now... I have moved into the second phase of grief and the grief is for myself. I don't know what to do with myself. I go for days and or weeks without seeing a person I know or talking to a person I know except for immediate family members. (that contact is mostly by phone). About three years ago we moved to a new area to be closer to my daughter if we needed help and during the last couple of weeks of his life I couldn't have done the journey without her and her husband. Now, I find myself in this home and neighborhood and know no one. (I live in Ca. and most everyone works and people are not friendly like in the mid-west). I understand this they are busy and tired and want to close their door and relax. I mean nothing to them and I understand this too.
I have never been a joiner. I really don't care for groups of people unless it is a traveling group or sight seeing group. But, not a group that sits around and discuss things. I use to go to church often however here in Calif. the churches are huge...like thousands of people and I don't like the music where you have 5 verses of singing the same words over and over and drums beating. I keep busy during the day and I am getting better getting through the evening hours....but, I miss someone to talk to...
Unlike some widows and widowers I don't want someone else in my life. I have no desire for that at my age of 79. My dh was only 65 and most people thought he was older then I am. I am a very young 79 in spirit, health and most ever other way. We were use to living his kind of life with much younger people then I am. Most people I have known that are 79 seem so much older then I am. (sorry if that statement offends someone). But, I keep saying to myself...is this all there is. One day after another of nothing.
I am thinking of moving to another location...why?? Who knows?...it maybe just an escape thing for me..why should a different location be different if I don't know anyone there?? I could move back to where I lived before but most of the people my age have died or they aren't healthy, really do very little or they are still a couple and singles feel out of place.
Off my pity pot for now. In my book this is a living hell right now.
Here is one specifically to find USA churches and you can put in the size:
http://www.usachurches.org/search/ca/
Once you have the name you can locate it's closeness to you. If you need help with using the links let me know. I'll watch for you.
You simply must look inside and find some answers and that's much harder when we already very much need the answers because we start already in a state.
If you can do nothing else then I urge you to get a travel agent you can talk to and get them to arrange bus trips for you that have a good chance of meeting your needs.
When we're stuck we need a step or we remain stuck. I wouldn't insult you by telling you to prop up and make a smile your umbrella - but, you have to connect to something that has a chance and then try hard to give it a genuine chance. In my mind that's one of the hardest parts. Actually being in a real world situation where we are the one's that need help because of the serious damage this disease truly does to people - and yet we have to dig deeper and provide all the willingness if we are to get anywhere inside.
Wolf has some good ideas Judith. I also didn't have many friends. I had many acquaintences but no friends I could ask help from and I have lived here for over 50 years. Bus trips are great but you need to cultivate a friend to travel with. Bus trips are no fun unless you have a seat mate and share a room. Look for a volunteer job near where you live. I have always been interested in people and the Arts, movies, stage productions etc. and wanted to cultivate new friends who also share the same interests. My first "job" was a volunteer at the Reception desk at our local Art Center because this was a beautiful building, airy, bright and lots of enthusiasm. I have done it 6 hours a week for 2 years on a Thursday. I am not "tied" to it - when I want to go on vacation etc. I just "mark myself off on the calender. One similar widow volunteer told me she will be off for 6 weeks starting next week. Wonderful staff have become great friends and every day people are in and out and I love people. My second "job" was to visit the local Alzheimer association and the Hospice organization. I NEVER thought I would EVER want to be involved with either of these organizations after living with someone with dementia over 15 years - but 1 year later - I changed my mind. I decided I wanted to help others caregiving with a spouse with dementia. Unbelievable but true. I just couldn't decide which organization. The both welcomed me with open arms and offered to "let me pretty well do what I wanted, within their guidelines". The hospice lady said she would cull her people and give me the ones caring for the dementia patients but a larger majority of the hospice patients were cancer patients, so I decided on the Alzheimers. I organized a plan with the director to hold meetings at 10 in the morning at their office, and she advertised in the local Hospital magazine and told people who contacted their office. This was 2 years ago. My first 2 "clients" are still with me and we add and lose monthly with currently averaging 5 and we sit around a table and share our experiences. Soon, I invited any who wanted to join me for lunch and further socializing. This is a good personal time for them to eat out at a resturant without worrying about choosing a place where they would never now take their spouse. We take turns choosing the place to eat. There is nothing like joining someone for lunch and seeing how happy they are to actually be eating and socializing with someone - in their right mind. Daily, I am reminded that I gain as much from this as they do.
If you are not a outgoing person there are all types of volunteer jobs available and you ARE appreciated. We have volunteers at the Art Center who just come in and do some cleaning, or help with the weekly Bingo games, or help set up the food at receptions, help hang pictures. There is ALWAYS something for everybody - well, unless you are a difficult person to have around.
I recently typed up a invitation to my meetings and left it with my PCP who was happy to pass on the information to patients needing help and a couple at my last meeting wanted something to carry with them to give to people they meet in their Doctors office so the director made several copies and I passed them out. Now, in order to do this you have to love people and socialization. My email is in my profile and you can write me if you want or anyone else interested in "coming out". (I also have a few other volunteer jobs I do on a limited basis but these 2 are preplanned.) Just remember - "You and only you are the master of your own destiny". Good Luck.
I had lunch today with another widow from church. We have the same first name which is unusual and I don't find many who were named that. Anyway her husband died about six weeks after mine did and I wrote her a letter instead of sending a sympathy card. I told her that only someone walking in similar shoes could understand and I told her how I was feeling. She called saying she appreciated my candor. We've since talked many times and can express just how tough our day has been. It helps us both. Today we talked about other problems in our families. Reaching out to her was not easy for me because I'm not a very out going person. That is why I've appreciated this board as I know others understand. Our church has volunteer receptionist and I've considered volunteering there to take up some day hours. But the real empty time is evening. Be glad when days are longer and I can get out some in the evening. I really don't like to drive at night. Sorry to say but age has caught up with these old eyes and I just don't see well at night. JudithKB* is there a community center with senior activities I go to senior water exercise at our center. I am 79 also but I still enjoy the exercises. It is tough to be single after all these years but that is reality.
Thank each and everyone of you for your contribution and suggestions. I am a very social person and it easy for me to be friendly to someone new....and most people like me. However, I do think it is just the being "single" that I didn't prepare for enough. I felt I was so strong in the last weeks before Jim passed and thought I was typical of most people in the first several months. But, now it seems like the realization of this has hit me like a ton of bricks. Also, trying to make a decision on if I want to move, where I want to move and when I might want to move is driving me crazy. I think I have made up my mind about this then a week later I am changing my mind. It probably is best I don't make any major decisions right now.
I had a shop on ETSY and did a lot of sewing and other types of needle work and sold it on ETSY beginning in 2006 when they first started. I put my shop on hold from 2009 until now. Today I contacted them and they have re-opened my shop. I have spent the day sorting out fabrics and planning on what I want to make. Maybe this will keep me busy. Also, on Sunday I plan on going back to my old church even though it is about 25 miles from here...but, hey....I have lots of time so I am going to be doing that. Thank you all again.
Wonderful Flo and Judith. One baby step at a time. Things are never going to be perfect but then, there have always been ups and downs in my life and I expect they will continue. Life it wonderful. Enjoy the flowers. Judith I would like to see what you have on ETSY. I think Joan has things on ETSY and I have no idea how it works.
Tonight I heard a song by Gary Allen, "Every Storm (Runs Out Of Rain)" and it reminded me of the last 6 years of my stormy life. I believe we need to prepare ourselves for the sunshine so we can accept it when it comes. Most of you know that I sold the house and movedand I decided at 85 (86 next month) to start a new life. I am taking baby steps and am enjoying and making new friends. I have not forgotten my DH and I find myself smiling at some of the memories. I agree with Imohr that we have to be open to trying new things and enjoying the flowers. It's what my husband would want me to do.
Bama - this is the first year in probably 15 - don't remember exactly - that I won't be going to Orange Beach. It was our thing to do and made the winter fly by. I'll really miss all we did and all that good gumbo. So when you can drive down and give the gulf my best. ;).
Gord will have been gone 15 months a week today. For me, the walking was the biggest factor in trying to get on with life. I walked every morning as soon as it was light. On my walk, I relived those last days and thought, " 3 weeks ago today," and I would relive every minute of those hours. I did that until the year mark. Now, I am down to months. I haven't cried a lot but I think of him so many times every single day. I have his pictures on the fridge where I look at them a hundred times a day. I volunteer at our cancer hospital twice a week and am in awe of the strength of the people going there, both patients and their loved ones. I find evenings the worst and first thing in the morning. I notice that the mornings when I thought that I could not cope with another day are getting fewer and farther between. I did go for counselling. I am cultivating new friends. I can't imagine every wanting another man in my life.
Sometimes when I am talking with someone and I mention things that happened during the Alzheimer's journey, I wonder how we do the things we do during that journey. How do we cope? How do we survive? I see others on this journey and my heart aches for them. I wish I could take it away from them.
This has been a rather disjointed post but this is how I have gotten from October 26, 2011 to today.
PS....I am still walking every morning as soon as it is light. I can't go on my volunteer days so I am down to 5 days a week. I still credit it with keeping my sanity.
I think one of the reasons I'm doing as well as I am is that I started grieving while my husband was still alive. I wrote a long message in the Journey thread, so I won't do it here too. When Joe died in August 2012 I did what I tend to do once the numbness of the first couple of weeks was over. I hit the books. And I found that a lot of the stuff that widows have to work out, both the grief and the practical stuff, I had already done.
Joe was on Medicaid because he lived so long I ran out of money to pay his bills. I was forced to do a lot of the financial stuff when he went on Medicaid. My lawyer told me that there was nothing left to do after he died. I called her twice because I was still numb the first time I'd called and wasn't sure I had heard right. Doing all of that is part of the grieving process.
I didn't touch the closet or his chest of drawers for months after I placed him. But in the end I did make changes and did deal with the clothes about 14 months ago. I needed storage space for my quilting stuff, and recognized it was time. But I hadn't rushed it, so it wasn't as bad as it might have been, and my daughter helped me with the worst part of dealing with his clothes. I also just bagged things up and put them in the attic for several months until I could give them away. I didn't push. I didn't rush. And that helped.
But mostly I recognized that I needed people in my life. I started with the neighbors who had helped me when I desperately needed help although they didn't actually know me. I think we all need to pick ourselves up and go and find someone to talk to. No one can do that for us. We have to find the small group, the singles club, the church, the volunteer activity for ourselves. I spend a lot of time in online communities, and always have, but we all need face to face contact too, and we have to go looking for it once the numbness wears off.
I didn't have the option of going out to take walks. It has taken me over two years to get myself to the point where I am now healthy enough to take my walker out and walk for 10 minutes. That was something I really wished I could have done earlier in the process.
Jang* I have no idea how we do the things we do during the active years of caregiving. It still boggles my mind.
Starling, I visited your blog yesterday and it brightened my day. What lovely quilts. I'm a novice quilter and I'll be looking in again. I'm inspired to get into all my scraps. thanks
Starling, Have I ever told you you're my hero? Acy was always an independent and an aggressive person. When the time came to take his trucks I was afraid to. Then I read about your ordeal. I decided if you did it then I would have to also, and deal with things like you did. I thought of you the whole time. You gave the the courage I needed to stop him from driving. Thanks for being there.
FayeBay* all I can say is Thank You. I did what I had to do when I had to do it. After the first time I called the police I knew that someone would come if I called, and they always did. The last time a very large man followed the ambulance to the hospital just in case. He let the EMTs do their jobs but he was there if they needed him. He had been there the day before and basically stayed in the background that time too letting his partner and one of my neighbors who knew what to do, take care of matters. He was there if they needed him, but he didn't get in their way either.
I also asked for advice and took it once the hotline caseworker gave it to me. I did what they said. I did what the doctor said. I used his magic words and they got me what I needed. I've told other people the magic words and they have worked for others as well. (They are: My husband has dementia. There has been a cognitive change. His doctor wants him to have a MEDICAL assessment in the ER.) I got an experienced ER nurse, a medical assessment, and no psych ward. He didn't need a psych ward. He needed medication. They figured that out pretty quickly and gave him enough to get him calmed down and compliant and got on with the medical assessment. And then it got him to a nursing home with lots of dementia experience keeping patients safe. They weren't all that big on over-medicating either. It took them 8 weeks to get the medications adjusted at the nursing home. But that was after they had all kinds of therapists assess him along with yet another doctor. During the first couple of weeks they had an aide shadowing him some of the time because they needed to make sure he couldn't figure out the doors or the elevator.
I was lucky, lucky, lucky. But I was also willing to listen. Makes all the difference.
Today, I took a step which I should have taken long ago....I guess. I finally cleaned out Gord's side of the closet, the floor actually of the closet. As all of you know who have done this, it is incredibly hard. Looking at the things that meant a lot to them, the things they used on a regular basis prior to the illness taking over. I feel like I am trying to erase him. It feels so wrong.
Jang*, you are not erasing him. He will live on in your memories. What is wrong is trying to hold on to the past. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here. All we have is today. It is very hard to move on with our life. My DH has been gone 11 months and I am finding something to smile about every day. Praying for some joy and peace in your life.
Jang* I know how hard it is. But one of the tasks of widowhood is beginning to make a new life. And one of the things you have to do to do that is clean out the closets, the drawers and the shelves.
These things helped when I was doing the bulk of the job. It isn't totally finished. There are things that belonged to him in the living room still, and will be until I paint. His display train set. His steins.
I took it easy. Only a little at a time. If I couldn't decide what to do with what I was removing from the closet, I bagged it up and put it up in the attic. Six months later I had no problem with giving the contents of the bags away.
The first thing I dealt with were the hoards of stuff in the living room. The pile of newspapers. The folded paper towels. The rubber banded toothpicks, some of them probably used. The packages of gum and mints. You do the easy stuff first that is impacting your life before you deal with the closet and the drawers.
The last thing I dealt with was his shelf of stuff in the computer room. That room always was mostly mine and I literally forgot the shelf was there. When I looked through what was there I knew I didn't need to keep any of it. Not one wanted a falling apart, 60 year old Hungarian dictionary.
The thing is don't do any of it until it begins to bother you. Don't feel you need to do it all in one day. And if you can get help from a friend or relative, take that help. I did and it made all the difference.
Thank you ladies. I will keep going. That is a great idea Starling. I don't have an attic but I do have a locker room. Things that I can't throw out can go somewhere else. Gord tied flies and I have a ton of them. Who on earth does fly fishing. I will put them somewhere until I find somebody I guess.
Bama, I really do have moments of joy. I was never allowed in the treasure part of his closet and it felt as if I was violating his privacy. I know that is ridiculous as with this disease, privacy dies long before the person.