Kadee* so happy for you that you are moving on. I hadn't been on this board very long when you added the * to your name. It has not been quite three weeks since my dh passed on. I am still just going through the motions I know. Nothing has been settled with insurance so some bills still need to be paid. We had been married 60 years and there is such a big hole left in my life. I hope to sell this house and move to a condo in about a year. I've sold the 5th wheel and will sell the pickup as soon as I can. Dh is just everywhere I look in this house. He built so many things I see each day. I need to read that others have waded through so I can convince myself that I will too. Good luck to you. I know how much grandchildren can add to your life.
congratulations on your new grandson bluedaze. hes so darn precious. hugs to the new parents and you. yes so bittersweet that your Bill will not know his grandchildren.
It has been one month today since dh died. I never knew how many things there were to ending this part of my life. Most folks have been very kind and helpful. I won't have to cook for myself for many days because of the generous supply of food my friends have brought. My dil teaches tax law so I am blessed by her knowledge and her willingness to help me through this. We will have a Celebration of Life in about a week at our church. That is where the thoughtlessness is. I never thought it would come from there. It seems this Celebration our family wants interferes with some Christmas decorating that was planned. I asked for one hour on Saturday at 11 a.m. I must say some tact from the church would have saved feelings. Maybe I'm just too sensitive at this time. We are going ahead with it but something has been taken away because one person was so thoughtless. Except for that - which still hurts - I'm trudging along. Some days I do fair but I may collapse into a blubbering blob without notice at any time. My I miss Frank.
Oh, flo39*, I am so sorry this happened! As we all know well enough, some people are just so thoughtless! Lots of hugs for you - and prayers for strength and courage during this time.
Flo39* I am so sorry you had to experience this. No I don't believe you are being too sensitive, how crass of them to even mention Christmas decorating when you are talking about having a service for your husband. Shocking how thoughtless some people can be……
I am sure you miss your Frank immensely….. ((hugs))
Flo* this is a hard time for you. It is so hard to believe that people can be so thoughtless. Kadee*, our losses were almost at the same time. I am glad you are moving on. I am still trying. I have gotten rid of nothing of Gord's. Everything, everywhere is as it was when he left. I can't even throw out the magazines that I had bought for him. They sit on the end table as if awaiting his arrival. I guess I better push myself. I don't think this is healthy.
Bluedaze*, congratulations on your new grandson. He will be a great joy in your life.
jang* I use Frank's bathroom at night as it is closer than mine. I have been tossing things of his in the wastebasket a few at a time i.e. toothbrush, meds, etc. It doesn't seem to bother me that much this way. Our church will be collecting soles for souls - shoes in other words in a few weeks and I plan to take his shoes to that. These are sent to other countries and our missionaries give them to the needy. But his dresser is still the same and I can't go in his closet yet. I have just moved the magazines from the table where his chair is. There are three magazines that have come still with the wrapper on them. I must call and cancel those subscriptions. So many things to take care of my head is abuzz sometimes. You are right though that it may not be healthy to hang on to what is no more but every person must do these things when the time is right for them. You will one day as I will and we will move on. I believe God has a plan for my life and it is my job now to find what it is.
Here is the problem I am having and any suggestions would be so welcome. I just can't bring myself to go out and eat alone. There are several places where I really love their food. But, I just can't make myself go out and sit alone and eat. I buy all kinds of packaged frozen dinners and really don't care too much for them, but force myself to eat them.
One of the problems I have is I really kind of like "talking to myself."....I find myself doing that more often then I use to do and catch my lips moving. If I go out to eat I hope I can keep my lips from moving.
JudithKB*, I traveled a lot during my career and was alone often for meals. I always kept a book with me; now, of course, it would be my Kindle, I guess. Even now when I take DH to DC, I often go out to lunch by myself. I really enjoy the alone time - but I am in a different situation than you, I know. I have also met some very nice people while dining alone. Just take a book, newspaper, etc. but be aware of those sitting near you - you might be surprised - and find a friend!
I agree with Vickie - I always do! - and find that a book or small magazine that fits into your purse works well. If your lips move, people can just assume that it's because you're reading.
Veterans' Day at our clubhouse Our rabbi gave the invocation and surprised me by stressing the need for a continued strong military presence-in the hope that someday it wouldn't be needed. I proudly stood for my son,Jeff during the Navy hymn. I grabbed my neighbor's hand and tried not to cry when both of us remembered our husbands proudly carrying the flags during past parades.
Frank liked to eat at Wendy's on the dollar menu - this was in the last months of his life. We went often because this seemed to please him. I thought I wouldn't be able to go alone after his passing but one day I just made myself go just to break through. I still go in but sit at a different place. We had been so often the manager asked about him when I was alone. It is at church I have the problem. I've changed the service when I attend and sit across the church from our usual place and also do not sit where we did in Sunday school. One dear lady whose husband died many years ago has been so nice to ask me to sit with her. She has remarried but she said she can remember how difficult it is. We had his Celebration of Life service yesterday. They showed some family pictures on the screens and there were folks who knew him at his work and at a couple of non-profits where he was on the board who spoke about him. Then one of our granddaughters read what family members remembered most about him. It was a very nice time. It helped so much to erase the bad memories of the past few months to remember the man he was. I recommend this type service when days before death have been so unbelievable. We laughed and enjoyed remembering the good times. I'm trudging on but some days ------ well all with that * by their name understand.
JudithKB* I see folks walking down the street talking to themselves then I realize they're on a cell phone. Don't worry about your lips moving it is common these days. :)
I left a message in a more general area in here about losing my husband 4/12 to AD. Joan suggested I contribute my thoughts in here (didn't see this first or would have). It is gratifying to read the thoughts and feelings of others who have lost their spouse (the second and final loss) to AD. I too was beginning to think there was something wrong with me because, at times, I have an overwhelming sense of relief. There is no other word that fits how we feel when it ends. I don't think it means we love them any less. To me it means that we have both found some peace. Certainly neither of us would have chosen to end our wonderful 51 years together this way, but it is what it is. There were times that I felt so anquished, so distraught that I might have described it as hatred toward this dear poor sick man that use to be my husband. Now I know I was not alone in those feelings. As many have said, no one but us really gets it...what it is to lose our life's partner to this illness with the long goodbye, where they become a stranger to us before they leave us to this final outcome. I miss him, I miss the man he was, the man I loved for so many years, but this is how it was meant to be, this was God's plan.
It is good to know that we can express our deepest feelings and emotions in here and not fear being judged because we become sisters and brothers in this one place where we all understand the pain of each other.
Thanks for all the comments about my problem with eating out alone. I am going to try that this week or next. I think part of the problem is Jim loved to eat out and we both loved the same places to go and those are the places I want to go back to because the food was so good. Just got to do this.
Lady...good to see you here and keep coming back. Love this place and I still find such a connection coming here and hope I can help others when the end is in near. I found the last week I had with Jim was so rewarding in so many ways. Others may have a difficult time understanding that...but, I just can't explain what relief it was for me to know he was going to a better place and that I was there for him in every way possible to be by his side when he took that final journey.
Lady - you'll find this a very welcome place to come. There is no judging at all because we all have gone through a helpless, hopeless time that can suck the energy from you but then you must go on. My time with az was not as long as some but as I think back it probably began and I didn't realize what was happening to this man I'd lived with for so many years. I'm in the very early days of widowhood and find some times worse than others. I'm told it gets better. I'll be thankful for those days to get here.
Flo39, I promise you, it does get better. We celebrated our 1 year anniversary this past Sunday. After caregiving for well over ten years each, we found each other on this site. Neither of us ever expected to love anyone again, but thanks to God and, as we like to say, to the loved one we lost, we have found love and a reason for going on. God bless everyone here. We'll never forget the support we received from friends here.
flo39, that is a good idea. I cleaned one tiny part of Gord's desk that way. It will take me years at that rate but it is a start. All the sympathy cards are still on my piano. It sounds like you and Judith are doing a better job than I am. The thought of Christmas absolutely terrifies me. I think that last year, I was probably in shock. The thought of hearing carols and trying to be jolly for the next 8 weeks or whatever scares me to death.
So sorry for your grief. It isn't easy at all...my grief starts at 4:00 in the afternoon. Just out of the blue. I have been leaving my dishes in the sink and when I feel it coming on I do the dishes and then I wipe some of the cabinets out or clean the refrig. what ever...just to get past 4:00. The thing that really helps me is knowing without a doubt, that Jim is in a far better place then he was in the last month or two of his life. And, we both felt the same about leaving this earth. We have little control over it and our names are in that big book and when your name comes up...then you move on to a better place. We had talked about this many times....not when he got worse, because I don't believe he ever thought he was getting worse until he was totally out of "thinking" anything. The dr. said he thinks he had many small strokes and all the wires in his brain were totally scrambled.
I cleaned out all of Jim's things the first week. Someone had told me it was best to do it early on because you are still in kind of a shock stage...and it would be easier then waiting. I do think that might have been good advice.
I have been told that by 2 other widows. I think you are right. I think that is also why this Christmas is looming so badly. Last Christmas was only 2 months after Gord died. I think I was in shock for that too.
What surprises me is that one of my sons doesn't want me to give his dad's clothes away --- yet. Strange way some men have with grief. This is his first big loss in life. Of course I've lost my mother and Frank's folks were both deaths in his lifetime but he was much younger and it wasn't such a close loss. I've washed all the outside clothes that Frank wore and they should be given away now in the winter so they are put to good use. So many needy in our town where many are unemployed and not much hope of finding anything soon. One day I'm just going to take them to a charity and give them away and then tell him about it. This son has never married so has spent all holidays with us. I told him we'd go to Cracker Barrell Thanksgiving this year. He wasn't real thrilled about that but didn't try to change my mind. As for Christmas I haven't got that far yet. When my BIL passed my sister (not his wife) and I cleaned his closet and all other clothes in the first few days. His wife was grateful. No one here to even help me. I think though I'd rather do it alone then I can do my grieving in private. I've tried to keep that to myself anyway.
flo39, would your son like any of his father's clothes. My FIL started sorting his late wife's clothing around a year after she died (with help). Most was given away to charities but was first offered to her daughters. My wife and her sisters are all taller than their mom, with L being the shortest (but still a tiny bit taller than me), so most clothing didn't fit them. One day her sisters brought over coats and jackets and they only fit on L. So she kept some of the stuff that fit and everything else was donated.
Clothing had to be donated according to season. The charities only wanted stuff they could use or sell at the time, which makes sense. I think this made it easier to go through only some of the clothing at the time and not tackle everything at once, though you still have to sort everything by season.
Paulc - One son did take a parka but it was a large size. Both sons wear larger size clothes than dh did. One day I'll go in that closet and get with it ----- but just not now. I am going to suck it up though and give the coats to a charity now while they are needed.
I left my DH's clothes in the closet for almost a year. Finally, I was able to pack them in boxes. (Stage Two). It was easier later to send the boxes to the multi-church "Closet". The silliest thing I did was keep his Tuxedo out of the boxes. I had that for another few months..and then gave it to my housekeeper for her husband. I will never know why I didn't put it in the box with his other suits and clothes at the same time. I did so many odd things like that. It was as if I expected him to come back and get these things he left behind.
My dd has a friend who is starting voc-rehab after a terrible car accident. He was injured and unable to work for several months. He is married and they have young twin babies so his wife is unable to work outside the home. I do feel better about giving the clothes to this young man who is trying to start over. My dd is helping me gather them up and I'm only giving the very best things to him then maybe I can fell better about the not so good and get them gone too.
I only posted here a few times, but have been reading for about a year. flo39*, my husband also died on 10/2. I feel the same as you about grieving in private and not knowing exactly how to proceed with discarding his things. I haven't even gone in his closet or dresser yet. Maybe it would have been better to do it right away, but I simply don't want to do it, or have anyone else do it. I am not handling my days very well. I cry on and off all day when my mind drifts to him. I wander around the house all hours of the night, much like I did when I had to care for him. I don't seem to be able to get into any kind of routine. I hope others are right in that it will get easier, but I am not too optimistic about that happening any time soon. Thanks for being here, you all have helped me during this past year.
Kathy, my condolences on your loss. It does take time, and you are going through the worst of it now. I found it peaked at 3 months and then was somewhat less, and gradually lessened. What you are experiencing is what I did, and I found that tears were/are healing. God bless.
Moon - I came here this a.m. because I am in bad shape today. I am going through "firsts" Today was the "first" time to take our garbage to the convenience center. We live out of the city so we need to take care of our own. Even when dh was in his last days mentally he could help me with this task. One thing I learned today is I'm going to need to get another method because I can't handle doing this task as WE did before. So what do I do I come home and cried. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I won't be cooking for the "first" time my ds, dd, and sister are going to a restaurant. I have taken care of the leaves in the yard alone for the "first" time and I'm crying while I do this. I watch TV in bed sometimes until 2 am then get up and take a tylenol p.m. and cry about that. If crying is healing then I should be well soon. When I learned that dh had dementia and would not live long it was months before I could cry and as long as he was breathing I guess I must not have let myself think of the reality because I didn't cry but now I can just look outside at all he did to keep our yard looking so nice and here come the tears. Moon, my heart goes out to you. I wish I was near to you and we could have a cup of tea (or coffee) and a friendly hug. Please know I'm thinking of you and will pray for you as I ask for strength for myself.
Flo...sending a hug your way. "first times" are always hard. We all handle things differently. I have moved and changed my environment and often find unexpected things make me cry. I am doing well and enjoying living again. It's nice to live near family again.
Bama - I think of you often as we live in the same part of the country. I will also miss the "first" time in many years not spending time at Orange Beach looking at the gulf ebb and flow. We looked forward to February for that special time. I guess you'll have to take a short drive and look at it for me. We've been going there since 1990 - not always in February when we were still working - but rarely missed a year at the gulf for just a little while anyway. If I could find someone to share a condo I'd go this year but I don't think that is going to be. Just thought, I'll also miss shopping at the outlets - I did lots of looking anyway.
I'm back! It has been a while. I have found that I DO have a life AFTER. I knew I did, it just took me a long time to get here. I am making more social plans, and doing more "spur of the moment" things - I could have done them any time after Dave passed away (June 2011), but was still in the "go straight home from work to take care of him mode." I tried baby steps to start over, but I couldn't seem to get out of first gear for a long time. Then I traveled a lot on three and four day weekends, and enjoyed seeing some of the AZ spouses from here (there are several more of you I plan on visiting someday!). That was my second gear. Somehow, in April of this year, it was like a new day dawning for me. I could feel the difference inside myself. I can't explain it. Happiness, more laughter, appreciating things I didn't have time for before. I still miss Diane and Dave - and still have tears now and then, and I'll never stop missing them, but I am alive, and I believe I'm here for a purpose, and I hope to find out what it is. In the meantime, I still have my work, my friends (including you all), and my Church family. I help ALZ spouses where I live who call me for advice. I've planned two big trips next year, including a two week Baltic cruise in the summer that I am looking forward to going on with my daughter and two friends. Several of my ALZ spouse friends now have boy friends, and a couple of weddings are planned. Me - I am not ready to even THINK about a date yet. Maybe someday.
I spent Thanksgiving with my son and his family, and we had a great time. It's been so many years since we didn't have Alzheimer's as an uninvited guest. Now, Christmas is coming. The celebration of Christ's birth. And I am spending it alone for the first time in my life. And, I'm looking forward to it. My children have invited me, but I would have to travel back home on Christmas Day to work the next day, and I'd rather not do that. I'll Skype and Facetime with them and watch them open the presents I sent, and enjoy visiting with them. Then, I'll read, or go to a movie, or visit with my new neighbors. But, I'll be celebrating Christ's birth first and foremost, by going to Church services on Christmas Eve. My faith got me through the Alzheimer's tragedy, and is helping me on the road to a new life. I'm now looking forward to seeing where this road will lead me.
Mary*, such an inspiring post! I think of you so often and I'm so happy to hear you are getting on in life! You've proven there is life 'after'. God bless you, and may you have a wonderful holiday season - alone or not! Love you.
mary you are indeed the inspiration for an 'after'. you have pulled the weeds and now have flowers growing in your garden friend. its so nice to hear that positive things do happen to us when we are ready for a new part of our life to begin. its so good to hear! hugs to you. divvi
Mary* thanks for posting that inspiring message it gives me hope that somewhere down the line there will be a life for me After all the grieving has past. I wonder if I will ever stop grieving though for the life we had. We were married 60 years so since I was 18 years old Frank was a part of my every thought. Now I am overwhelmed by all the decisions that daily come my way. So many financial decisions and I find myself worrying about things way out of my control such as the decisions congress will make that may affect my resources. Crazy things that come in the night when I can't sleep and am watching some dimwit TV show at 2:30 a.m. I am trying to get out with people but find it very difficult to not feel more alone than ever when I see our friends together and know I'll always be alone now. Other widows tell me it will get better. Better can't come soon enough.
Flo, it will get better. This week I put up a Christmas Tree. My DH loved the tree and every year he would take a picture and say this is the prettiest tree we have ever had. I sat there looking at that tree and found myself smiling at the memories and I knew I was going to be okay. I am sure he was up in Heaven saying "the best tree we ever had."
Oh Bama., what a sweet memory you shared with me. MY DH would always say the same thing.., and he truly believe every year that our tree was prettier than it had ever been before. He couldn't wait to get the tree up.. and he would hand me the ornaments with hooks in place while I placed them on the tree. How I miss that now. My tree is up (artificial), and the lights shine bright, but the ornaments are still in the attic waiting for someone to help me get them down. Maybe this week!!! We can hope.
This may be the wrong thread to write this, but There's always hope... I was going to delete Christmas this year, but my neighbours and family have been so supportive, I neede to pull myself together and not spoil their Christmas too... after looking out the front window and seeing my neighbours tree shinning bright and beautiful through their window, I decided to put the tree up...so glad I did now. I'm bringing DH home for Christmas day....I hope he says it's the prettiest tree ever too.