lovely posts mary and lmohr. you both have such wonderful outlooks on life, it will see you through. jang so sorry to hear you are not able to move forward some. throwing you a rope to pull you out of the quicksand.
jang* take your time and go at your own pace. My chaplain told me we all work through our pain in our own way. We have to do it before we can move on. Personally-I know things will not be as we had hoped. I finally can accept this without as much pain as I had at first. As I have said before-it is what it is.
Lois, I always smile when I think of Claude's chocolate chip cookies :-)
He loved to garden and to cook. First thing he would do in the morning even when he was still working, was to go check on his garden. No weed ever dared to invade his garden space :-)
He also loved to cook, especialy baking. He was an Army cook for over 10 years and a hospital cook for 30. He always did the majority of the baking for the patients as well as the staff cafeteria. Whatever he baked and/or cooked was wonderful, but chocolate chip cookies were his specialty. No one has ever been able to duplicate his cookies and many, many of us have have tried :-) We'd all use the same recipe, ingredients, temp whatever, but they never came out as good as his. His supervisor one time entered his recipe in her church cookbook as "Claude's Famous Chocolate Chip Cookies".
His days off varied each week, and when he was off, I always came home to a wonderful meal ready to put on the table. Even after we retired, he would cook several times a week and I really got spoiled.
It has been 10 months since my dh passed and for most of this time the pain and anger I feel from the AD journey has suppressed joyful memories of our earlier years together. I visit this site less often because like kaydee* I need to focus on a different life for me. I did have a wonderful memory return me to a happier time. I was back on our college campus where we met and married recently to attend a scholarship function in my DH's name. Speaking with other alumni and sharing stories and marveling about the changes on campus was a very pleasant experience. Speaking with the young scholarship recipients about my dh and his beliefs about education, careers and learning was very comforting and made me feel so proud of the man he was and his achievements. I forgot about AD for a few hours. I'm hoping to have more of those hours.
so happy to hear of the good times you just had jerseymama. I pray for more and that the awful memories will fade so the good ones can shine allowing you to move on with life.
Jang, you say there must have been times when you were good and kind, the times you were good and kind far outweigh the times you might have been inpatient. I for one know for a fact, Gord could not have had a more loving and caring spouse and caregiver than you were to him. He was a lucky man.
May you soon find good memories and know you did a wonderful job caring for him.
Today would have been our 47th wedding anniversary. It is not as painful as I thought it would be. There was not much in the way of celebrating over the past years.
I did, however, get a painful insight into what life can be for a widow. My son is planning on getting married. It is his first and his girlfriend's second marriage. They are looking for venues and I believe his girlfriend is anxious to get him tied down quickly before he can change his mind. They are going to a restaurant in the heart of downtown Toronto on Saturday to check it out. As far as I know, it is not a very good area. He asked me if I would be able to get down there. I couldn't speak for a few minutes. I finally choked out that I could use public transit. He said I could take a taxi.
I am sort of dumbfounded. I am supposed to be the mother of the groom. Am I supposed to get on a bus and subway and then walk to this venue? I get lost in a paper bag. Do I pack a lunch and leave really early to make sure I get there? After the festivities, do I make my way home or could I expect that he might take the time to walk me to the bus or taxi? As far as I know, there are a lot of hookers on this street. Probably pimps and junkies. It is really heart warming to see the importance I have in his life.
jang* for once I am speechless. This is cruel for you. Any chances of inviting a friend to go with you. I suggest a member of the RMP. Do the bride's parents live anywhere near you?
No, they don't. I am appalled by his thoughtlessness and that of his girlfriend. Her parents live quite a distance away as do her sisters and their families. My sister and her family will be coming in quite a distance and from the opposite direction. I don't drive. I am hoping that one or both of them will suddenly realize what they are doing. I am also hoping that this restaurant falls through.
just one more thoughtless action on the part of family. if it were me, and my son did that, i'd say no i dont think i can make it. without offering to have someone pick you up (preferably him) or a family member and make sure you got home safely. kids these days dont seem to hold as much respect for parents as the old school. imho my own views here. happy anniversary even if its just for you. divvi
Dearest Jang, I know that this is hurtful, and I hesitate to offer you my opinion in case it adds to your hurt. But if I may make this suggestion, you will make big Brownie points for yourself if you take a taxi there and back at your own expense. It will show your independence and self-reliance, and I believe it will be money very well spent. I know that we would like to have more consideration shown us, especially since we are still recovering from our long stint as caregivers, and our grief is still there. I have three grown children and try to practice this: if I need their help, I ask them for it, but if there is a way I can do it myself, I try to do that. I think you will feel better about the situation if you get there on your own steam. Who knows what will happen in the future, but at least you know that you made it easier for them in this case.
Perhaps they will exchange their vows someplace other than the restaurant. Then you can ride to the restaurant with someone else. I am sure things will work out. 97% of our worries never come to pass (supposedly).
I agree with you Mary. I have asked him for nothing other than buying me a couple of containers of kitty litter. I find it too heavy to carry into the building and refuse to ask friends and older family to help me. On several occasions I have bought smaller containers which I can manage. I guess it is the thoughtlessness and even unkindness. They can't possibly know how we feel when we are cast adrift. We are no longer a wife and no longer a caregiver. What are we? Until we have found a new anchor, we are without a focus or direction.
I am trying to find the humour in picturing myself coming into the restaurant, disheveled from travelling on the bus and subway and getting lost. There I will be in an outfit that I will never wear again looking like something the cat dragged in.
jang, is it possible for you to ask him to provide reliable transportation? Like a taxi or possibly hire a car service? I truly understand how you feel and know that you don't want to aSk him for help but perhaps if you ask him he might respond favorably? These situations are so difficult and it seems those closest to us seem to disappoint us the most.
Just to be practical: it would be easier on you physically to take a taxi, and since this would probably be expensive in a big city like Toronto, just deduct the amount from the wedding gift you would be giving them. I really believe that they would rather see you comfortable and taken care of.
I am so far, giving the benefit of the doubt to his girlfriend. I would not be surprised to find out that she has no idea what he has suggested. I would still like to show up with my hat on a crazy angle, my clothes a mess and looking as if I had been mugged which is a very real possibility in that area. I wouldn't do it but it does make me smile a bit.
As for the cost of the taxi, it would easily be $50 each way.
One time when Gord and I were at Jeffrey's home, Gord became extremely agitated and I felt I had to take him home. I suggested that we would have to take a taxi as I obviously could not take Gord home on the train which was how we had gone to Jeffrey's house. To my amazement, Jeffrey allowed us to come home by taxi. The cost from that distance was $100. I felt so sad that he would allow me to take a taxi and deal with Gord for the almost hour ride back home. I keep forgetting that the past is the past and there is no point dwelling on old wounds.
Just some random thoughts: I empathize with you in not being appreciated for all you've done. I think in my case that the hurdles and hurts throughout the long caregiving period have not yet been balanced out by positives, but I trust that in time it will eventually balance itself out. Our children and others dear to us are what they are. A friend told me a story about a zebra when I was going through a sticky patch. The zebra wasn't sure if he was white with black stripes, or black with white stripes, so he took his question to God. "You is what you is," answered God. Your son has already demonstrated what he is. Time will probably modify him. In the meantime, I hope that you will do whatever is the least trouble for you. You are the one who counts. If you don't want to go at all, don't go. You've already paid your dues, plus, bigtime; you really don't have to do anything else.
Thank you for your kind words Mary. I am working on letting go of all the things that have been so hurtful over the past years. I find it easier in most cases to let go of the things that have hurt me than the times that I have hurt others. Those times haunt me. However, when our children hurt us, it seems to be the most difficult of all.
It is funny how little things can bring a flood of memories. I was rummaging in the linen closet for light bulbs. I found a stash of deodorants for Gord. I brought back all the memories of the last months that he had a shower and brushed his teeth on his own. He would take the deodorant from his cupboard in the bathroom and I would hunt for days for it. Finally, I bought a bunch of them and always had one handy for when I was searching for another. I miss him.
Jang, I'm with Divvi. Choose what makes you most comfortable and do that. You are learning to live life for you and I would never want you to jeopardize your safety or well being even for this. I felt so bad when you said your hubby lost his ring. Mine did, too. Isn't funny how such a special little thing could give such comfort or cause such anxiety. Lloyd lost about 40 pounds and his fell off, too. I had bought plain gold bands the Christmas after his dx. His was engraved with Linda & Lloyd and mine with Lloyd & Linda...simple sentiment that we put each other first. I had hoped to put them together on a chain and give them to our oldest daughter or our favorite (I didn't say that) grandson. I suppose I could just replace it and put it away. I'm just trying to figure out if it is worth the money to feel better........yep.
Bruce D, your words give me strength. I have vowed to myself to keep Lloyd at home to the very end. I promised this when he was diagnosed. I knew he would find comfort in me being there constantly. There are times I lose patience and wonder if I can go on, but I always get that "second wind". No one knows him like me and he can't tell anyone anything anymore so...I just do it. I don't think I could stand the constant leaving him at a facility over and over and over. My youngest daughter and her family moved back home so I could quit work and do this. She knew he was getting worse and I wasn't getting any rest. I was putting him to bed and working midnights and it was killing me. She just came one day and said she would come home. We looked for larger houses but worried about a 3rd mortgage so her significant other added a 3rd story to my house (a bedroom and office) and they came home. It was the right decision since all the neighbors here know the situation and look out for Lloyd. If you made it, Bruce, then I guess I can, too.
Hi Linda, I would love to find Gord's ring. I don't remember when I last saw it but keep hoping that it fell off at home before I took him to rehab. Perhaps when I have the heart to start going through his things I might find it. I don't really believe that but I still hope.
Saturday will be the second anniversary of Bill's passing. Today-after mentoring, doing my hospice and hospital visits, I headed north to an appreciation lunch put on by BigBrothersBigSisters. The drive took me through the streets I used to drive for work and very near the ALF where Bill died. I continued to drive until I arrived at the cemetery. It was a tranquil visit-no more tears.
I lied. Can't stop crying. I am so sorry Bill never got to see how well the family turned out, and to go with me to see our only grandchild' dance recital.
Hey guys-we're going to scare the others. What ever would we do without each other. Bare with me-I've got a tough few days coming. Together we'll make it.
((Bluedaze*)) Don't ever worry about scaring us, we know the pain will be immeasurable. Your emotions are real and raw, we are here to help you through these tough days. Much love to you my friend ♥
Bluedaze, I'm sorry that you are having a tough time right now. (((HUGS)))
I am busy taking care of some of the items on my bucket list. I have enough on it to keep me busy for 20 years, so I'll just do the ones that mean the most to me first! I've been to Montego Bay, Jamaica with friends for a few days - very restful and relaxing; three weeks later, I flew to London to spend Spring Break with Debbie - we saw Sandringham, Castle Rising, Kensington Palace and Windsor Castle - plus went to two plays - "Wicked" and "Jersey Boys" and both were very good. We made a lot of wonderfu new memories, just the two of us (where there were four).
I am finding that I don't like to stay at home much. Still too many memories. With working, I am limited to how many days I can travel, but I am on the go a lot of weekends. I've been home enough to get my flower beds in order, but not to finish de-cluttering. That is ongoing. But doing so brings those memories back, and sometimes I just can't deal with them.
So, after 10 months, life is still a roller coaster....a lot of good, new memories, along with the sadness of losing one's other half. I find spending time with some of you has kept me afloat. You friends have become my new family.
The first bathing suit I bought was a black strapless one. It was very daring for 1948. The last one was a black bikini that never got wet. Hmmmmmmmm I think I'll post a picture of me in the first one and you'll find no hole in the knee. So...bluedaze??????
Bama*--was it daring because of being strapless? (I was born in 1948) :)
BTW--I did refer to you when I wrote the guest blog (and repeated your saying about big girl panties), but Joan had to take some things out because it was too long. (I referred to you as "our revered Bama*). Just wanted you to know.
Today is the second anniversary of Bill's death. I said the Kaddish prayer for him this morning in temple and his memorial candle is burning in my home. I finally started going through the file cabinet. Keeping things in order was never my forté. I am doing it now to make things easier for my kids when the time comes. I have shoe boxes of old photos and files of old records. It will be up to the kids to contend with-or not-their choice.
This has to be a difficult day for you bluedaze*. I hope that you can do something nice for yourself.
I started trying to get things in order for the kids shortly after Gord died. I have been going through the filing cabinet and shredding like mad. I have a folder front and centre. It is my Cognitive Impairment and Death file. That is actually written on the front. I have my POA, my will, a book which I received from the lawyer in which I have banks etc listed. I haven't finished it yet but it has a good start.