Didn't think I would be on this site again because, of course, I was done with Alzheimer's! Well here I am. I have been reading your notes....you who have earned the * after your name. You have great insights and I see that I have a roller coaster to look forward too. Since George died Nov. 15 I haven't really felt anything. It has scared me that I have had no feelings about his passing. My Pastor has said that they will come. It may take 6 months or a year but they will be there. I have been chalking it up to all the other problems going on in our family. Our daughter's husband walked out on her this year and she is dealing with how to handle this new situation and how to divi up their time with the kids. Tomorrow she is having double biopsies because calcifications were found in both breasts that weren't there last year. I am here with her trying to hold everything together. She lives 800 miles away so I am not close to home. Trying to decide when it is safe to head back. Keep up the good advice. You are all wonderful.
phil4:13* I, too, felt strange about immediate lack of saddness when my husband passed. I mourn for all that will not be. My feeling is that as our spouses drifted away our feels changed for them. Love remained-but it was a different kind of love. I am not happy being with happy crowds-especially with couples. We each find our own way. Please come back when you feel the need. I do believe we are the only ones who understand what it is like to survive the long death.
I agree with you both. Plus, it was such a horror in many ways that my mind doesn't want to go back there. Sometimes I even have to remind myself that Eric is dead and that I no longer have to shoulder the burden. In my case, it isn't over yet because of his former family, and until the will is settled (probably in Feb.), I'm having to deal with them/that. But time really is the great healer, cliched as it may sound.
Yesterday I went to a funeral with another AD widow/neighbor. We are both into our 2nd year and are surprised that this year the holidays were tougher to get through than last year. Any thoughts?
Bluedaze, maybe it was because I was surrounded by my grown children, and had a full calendar of places to go and people to see, but I didn't have time to think about what no longer would be, but concentrated on what I have now. My holidays were filled with love and laughter, games, movies, and lots of food.
Being without Dave, Diane and Anne was not easy, but keeping busy helped a lot. Tonight my daughter and I are getting together with Anne's children for dinner....and to enjoy the good memories.
I think next year I may join a couple of other widows from here at Joan's and go skiing over the holidays - but I'll be having hot cocoa in front of the fireplace watching them through the big window - not skiing! <grin>
I'm still waiting for the image of Dave as he was the last few months to fade, and my ability to remember him as the man he was before AD to take its place. I CAN remember certain events, but he isn't coming in clear yet.
I try to concentrate on today and tomorrow and not look at the past. I have a lot of living to do (as some songwriter said), and while my husband was my life before, I'm making a new life for me now. Day by day (another song title) - still on that roller coaster, but I have my friends here to keep me steady!
I hope that you all get well quickly and have a Happy New Year!
Mary*, My situation is similar in that I have been so busy since George passed that I haven't had time to feel bad or reflect. Left not long after the funeral to see a new grandbaby and then was home for 4 days before I headed for my daughter's. She has so many issues going on that I've concentrated on her. Our Christmas ws low key but with 2 young kids it did add to the excitement. We all handle grief differently. I just don't want to crash later.
Update: I have not posted in a long, long time. It has been a year and a half since Ralph passed away. I spent a great deal of the time the first year traveling. It was so hard to stay home. In October of this year I moved from Colorado to Texas to be close to my daughter. I bought a house in a new Del Webb retirement community. It was the best thing I could have done. I feel like I am finally getting on with my life. Making new friends and enjoying life again. I am so grateful to my daughter and her encouragement to make this move.
DarleneC., if you are at Sun City, we have another friend from this group who lives there. She lost her husband last Spring. i have also moved to the Austin area and live in a community that is primarily residents over 50, with golf, tennis, social activities, and cultural activities going on all the time. It's a country club community, people moved here in the 70's and 80's and just never left!!! i love it here.. and it's been very easy to blend in with others ...mostly we're all the same age.
I pray 2012 will bring everyone more inner peace, renewed energy and new friends. God bless us all.
Phil* and bluedaze*, I too have felt concerned that I was not overwhelmed with grief. Suddenly, at the 2 months and 1 week mark, I have had a couple of times when it hit me with such force that Gord will not be coming home. When that hits me, I can hardly breathe. Like bluedaze*, I think that my feelings changed as the disease progressed. That is now an additional thing to feel guilty about. Did he miss the way I used to be. Today would have been Gord's 68th birthday.
Oh jang* will guilt be our legacy. We tried to do our best for our loved ones-but it could not be enough. The disease always wins out. I wish we could have a closed group where we could share our true feelings without frightening the others.
bluedaze*, ang*, could you set up a closed group on FB? In any event, I really don't think you frighten any of us who are left on this side. My heart aches for you all. Hugs to you both.
Oh the guilt....why does it have to be so overwhelming at times? Will I ever get over the guilt? My family & friends all say, how well I am doing....it would scare them if I showed my true feelings. I think I could win an Oscar for best performance. There are days, I can't believe, I will not see my husband in this life time again.
I sent this e-mail to a friend, and she said I should post it here, so here goes:
I am back at work after the holidays (though technically I worked Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and half of Friday last week!) and I wonder if I am alone in my feelings. Those feelings are "satisfied" - I had my daughter Debbie for three weeks (she went home Saturday Morning) and one of my sons and his wife for 5 days over the Christmas weekend, and we all had a good time and made new memories, played some games, saw some movies, and laughed over some past Christmas memories. There was no sadness over the fact that Dave and Diane weren't with us, just the good memories of times a few years ago. I haven't been depressed, I haven't been lonely, I haven't felt any of those things that others have expressed to me in the past on how they felt during the holidays following the loss of a spouse (and as some at Joan's seem to feel). (Not that I don't cry occasionally for the loss of my husband of 50 years!- I just didn't over the holidays!)
I'm looking forward to this new year. I'm going to experience new things, go places I've never been, meet people and try to figure out new paths for me to take.
I only gained two pounds over the holidays - and got my Lean Cuisines for my lunches this week. Hopefully, I'll be back on the road to losing more weight this week. The goodies are gone....<grin> I dumped the sweets Debbie left!! They aren't worth eating if you have to turn around and starve afterwards! <grin>
******************************************************* When we have done all we could for our spice, we should not feel guilty for our being here after they are gone, or for saying things that they forgot five minutes (or less) after we said them. But most of all, we shouldn't feel guilty for feeling relief when they are released from the insidious disease which was eating away at their minds and bodies for so long!!!!
You could start another FB group for just the widow/widowers or you could do a blog and have it by invite only. That way only those that have been accepted can view it and post. Yahoo and probably google have the option of groups that can be closed to only those that have been approved.
Wonderful Mary (Red). Same here over the Holliday's. Had a great time with the kids and grandkids and made new memories and fondly remembered the old memories. I am moving forward with a new Chapter in my Book of Life with a lot of enthusiasm.
To All This was my first Christmas without Jan. It started out with no Christmas spirit what so ever. But then I cam home one day and my granddaughter and grandson had put up some Christmas lights both inside and outside the house and that got the ball rolling. My daughter said she preferred to get an artificial tree (something which my wife did not want) so that there would be no mess and could be used year after year. So when they went on sale we bought one and she and the kids decorated it. It is beautiful. I had a kerosene lamp that our neighbor had given us several years ago for Christmas and we lite it and kept it burning throughout the holiday week as a symbol of Jan. It ran out of fuel on New Years Day and we did not refill it. Will do it again next year. For New Years I accepted a night out with a friend that I had met and her and I went out to listen to music and celebrate the new year coming. It was very low key but we enjoyed it. It is a new start in a new year. I pray that all who are here will step past all the past emotion and feelings they are carrying and just let them go. God says to look to HIM and your future because the past is the past and the future is what YOU make it. We all know that with a diagnosis of alzheimers the end is always the same whether we like it or not and we as loving spouses do everything in our power to make our spouses journey the best we can. It is not our fault that they pass on, that is the disease. We on the other hand have a choice to move on or to stay in the last place we had them in our life. If we move on that is GOD's will, if we stay where we were that is NOT GOD's will but since we have free choice He will not interfere. Therefore friends I pray that all wiil follow GOD's plan and move forward. May God bless you all. Bruce D *
It sounds like some of you have found peace. I am hoping after awhile I will also. At this time my feelings are still raw from losing Brother-In-Law, Sister, Brother & the love of my life Husband on October 12th, all in an eight month period. I guess I was selfish & thought they would be around to help me through my husband's passing. I do know one thing, I am so happy that my husband is at peace. Being an optimist, & with God's help, I will find it also....just in time.
I haven't found peace Kadee*. Gord died exactly 2 weeks after your husband. Today is 10 weeks. I am still thinking of new ways to feel guilty despite all the good things people say. I think I will have to deal with that before I can even look for peace. I am also in the process of sending a letter of complaint regarding the nursing home where Gord had his respite care. They are now obstructing my access to the name of the doctor who changed Gord's ativan from standing order to PRN. They needn't think I will give up. Once you try to stop me, there is no stopping me.
Hi Mary, because this is a city run home, I had to fill out the form and give them $5 for the information. Seeing as the government works so slowly, I am concerned that I will never get the information. I think if I don't have it within this week, I will send my letter to the ministry with only the first names and tell them that they are witholding the information. I was told at the support group today that the Upper Canada Society will provide a lawyer for half an hour at no cost. I think I will see what they have to say. I don't want money. I want them to see how strongly I feel about what they have done and I want them to pay in some way.
Sorry you have to go through this. Of course, they think you'll get tired and go away. Pace yourself, though, and don't let the b.'s get you down. I'm in same boat.
Mary* and Bruce* - I agree completely with you both. I don't feel guilty and know that George is in a much better place, total healed in mind and body. My Christmas was good but quiet due to daughter's issues going on here. Just thought I would miss him more than I am.
That is a thought. They needn't think I will go away. I feel very strongly about this and wonder how many people they have done this to. Apparently, they are required by their mandate to notify the family before they make any medication changes. Right there, they are in the wrong. I have all the documentation to show that they did not follow the medication list set out. What is happening with you Mary? I must have missed it.
Jang, I wrote a long answer to your question, "What is happening with you, Mary? I must have missed it", but I lost it. So now I have to be brief and say that I'm taking Royal Trust of Canada, Executors of Eric's estate, to Small Claims Court for their refusal to honour a contract that I signed as Co-committee in Nov. 2010 for the repair of a garage threatening to collapse from dry rot and termites. Stage one of the repair was done in Nov. 2010 and paid for from Eric's monies, but stages 2 and 3 were not done, due to weather conditions, until after Eric died in Feb. 2011. RT says I have to pay the $6000.00 from my own funds, even though it was established in 2008 before the Supreme Court of B.C. that Eric had always paid for all household expenses, repairs and maintenance since we were had been married,over 30 years. The Co-committee (a chartered accountant and friend of Eric's) and I had to submit an accounting to the Public Guardian Trustee yearly of all incoming and outgoing money, and these accounts were always accepted (2008 and on to his death). As for the medical problem, the doctor denied doing what he did, although there was a witness to it. The College accepted his word.
Mary75*, the College seems to be useless. It is our money that pays the doctor's lawyers for malpractice suits. They need to be protecting us. My brother-in-laws' doctor insisted that he had sciatica. He was saying that Fred was also depressed and told him to pull up his bootstraps. When my sister told me how much pain he was in, I knew that it was not sciatica. Gord had sciatica and it was not like Fred's. He ended up going to emergency and of course, it was terminal cancer of the hip. The admitting doctor was furious that Fred had been left like that. The doctor in question left suddenly for the States even though he had appointments booked for almost a year in advance. He left no forwarding information. The College said it was the family's word against the doctor's.
On another note, I decided to dust the piano. Who knew you had to dust more than every 2 months. I moved all the sympathy cards and then broke down. My son happened to call just then. He said that there was no need to put them away if I wasn't ready. They are all back on the piano. I am not ready.
This is Paula. Thank you so much for asking about me. That makes me feel good. DH has been gone now for 5 months. as you know 2 months after he passed , I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had the lumpectomy and they got it all. They want me to do 4 rounds of Chemo because of my age and so it won't come back. I did one round so far and it's pretty tough. It feels like you have the flu, but it lasts over a week, then you feel better and two weeks later you have to go for another round. So, I'm still here and fighting again to stay here for my daughter. Thanks again Mary for asking.
I am relieved to hear that they got it all! Hopefully the next chemo treatment won't keep you down as long. We fought through AD, and now we fight for our own health. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
It is going on 4 months since my husband passed away. I have really had a hard time this month. I was so relieved & happy for my husband that he was no longer in a world of confusion in the first couples months, however, now I find myself very sad that I will never see him again in this lifetime. Seems like I am back stepping with my feelings.
Kadee* the loneliness will be with us. Things will never be the same. After a while I realized I can't change the situation so I might as well try to move one-by very small steps. Not saying I like it.
hugs to all of you going thru the loss and pain. i think bluedaze is right, it will never be the same but hopefully with time we will learn to live a new way of living.
Kadee*..It has been 5 months for me and I too had a hard time this month. Yes you can find yourself very sad that you will never see them again. You are not back stepping....you are moving forward, although it does not seem that way. Hang in there..there is always a rainbow after the storm.
Kadee*....life is a dance,your hb has left the dance and now the band is playing a different tune. your feelings are just responding to the "new" tune, it will change and so will your feelings. Thinking of you during these difficult days.(((hug))
After Bill died I took my time cleaning out his part of our closet. It was really pretty easy. I went through some of his dresser drawers and gave away what the kids wanted. As I didn't need the space I sort of forgot about it. Today I decided to start the clean out process-tomorrow is trash day. Getting rid of old clothes is easy. It's the other stuff that has no value but lots of memories that hurts. I found prints we were going to frame and hang-bought during our many trips abroad. Business cards from people we knew. Gazillions of neat key chains. Luggage tags I will never use. Pens with the names of places visited. And oh-the t-shirts. I think I will always acutely miss what we had. It is easier to remember the bad than to experience the hurt the good stuff brings back.
I also have been cleaning drawers & closets....I could use the space. I gave away the clothing that I knew he would never wear again previously. However, there are a couple golf articles that I will never be able to give away. I have told my 11 year grandson he could have grandpa's golf clubs, he plays left handed, which my husband was. However, he may be an adult before I can part with them. I did find a cross that a lady who worked for my husband gave him...he always carried it in his wallet. I had looked for it to place in his casket, but, I couldn't find it. Then yesterday, there it was. So now I will carry it in my wallet. There may still be hope for my wedding ring. Also, found a birthday card that my daughter-in law made him on his 50th. It had a picture of my husband & granddaughter when she was 1...she is 12 now. She had the biggest smile on her face & he was looking at her so loving. Just a computer card, however, she loved it.
I can't go near Gord's side of the closet, his desk or the dresser drawers. I was just looking the other day and broke down. All the things that he knew how to use. I stand at the closet and hold his sweatshirts and shirts and fall apart.
"It is easier to remember the bad than to experience the hurt the good stuff brings back." So, true bluedaze. I was able to deal with closet and dresser, clothing and such. The coat drive appeal got me started in December. I have avoided the boxes of photos and mementos. I just turn to mush when attempting that. I told my son and daughter I need to have them around to do that, not do it alone.
jang and bluedaze---if you are able and crafty, or know someone who is, perhaps something can be made from some of dh's clothing like a robe, quilt, wall hanging. I am having a stuffed animal or pillow made from pieces of my dh's favorite jeans and golf shirt.
I am leaving in a few minutes to go in the Alzheimer's Walk for Memories. It is in the downtown core. I can get lost in a paper bag. Hopefully, I will return. Through the goodness of family and friends, I raised $1115. A drop in the bucket for what we need to find a cure.