Life is indeed a mystery, but a journey well worth taking. Can you remember when we had the old vinyl records, the 45's with the big holes, the 8 track cassettes, the cassettes, cd's, and mp3's? Each was a passing stage, and a different medium, but the end result was much the same..music. Life is one of those things where we progress from records to mp3's, and although the memories are great, the music is still the same....You need to progress with the music and find enjoyment despite the medium. You do move on but still enjoy the music. My heart goes out to you Joyful. I know that you will regain your life, once you get past the grieving stage. Life will remain a mystery, but you will find enjoyable activities and be able to listen to the music of life once again. Remember that the yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future and today is a gift..that is why they call it the present. Discover the mystery of life, and pursue your dreams...it will help you get past your grieving, and move on to the present. Cyber hugs to you......
Joyful, yes, one moves on with life, but not quickly. It takes time and more time. For you it has only been a little over 3 months. That's not really very long. Don't be so hard on yourself, my dear. If you need to cry, you need to cry. If you have a close friend who is comfortable with your tears, perhaps she is someone with whom you can talk about your DH, relive the good memories? It truly does get better eventually. Hang on. (((((hugs)))))
it took me 2yrs to move on after my dads sudden death from heart attack in 2006. i cant imagine how long it will take for a spouse. but i agree time heals the hurt. hugs to all of you who are in the time of transitions. divvi
joyful - it has taken my sister over a year to start working on living again. He husband died in Jan 08 at the age of 84 (month shy of 85th) after a stroke a few years before. I believe it was Vascular dementia he had but ultimately it was an aortic anuerism that took him. They had only been married 2 years when he had his stroke, recovered quickly but then gave up on life. She literally slept for the first year only getting up to pay bills, buy some groceries, and necessary. She was emotionally and physically exhausted since he was bedridden for well over a year. She refused help with him so my husband and I took care of the house and yard for her. Our naturopath put her on some supplements for the adrenal gland since the stress of caregiving will deplete and exhaust it. After two weeks she is starting to have a little more energy.
Give yourself time. If you need to cry everyday - do it. If you need to talk with him - do it (my sister still does). Only you know what is necessary to move through the grieving process. Yes, you grieved the 'long goodbye' but having them physically gone is a whole other process. For many it is short, for others long. Only you know what you need. Be good to yourself and allow it.
It is 12:20 pm. and I am wide awake...I have insomnia now and have suffered from the malady fot years since my husband and I began our Alzheimer's journey. Before that life altering disease I could sleep anywhere and anytime. I spend a great deal of my time alone since I live alone and I suppose I may dwell on the more somber aspects of life. Right after my husband died,, I prayed for some sign to assure me that he was still alive somewhere and that all our suffering was not in vain...I did not personally receive any instances of life beyond this earthly one but my son and his family had a renarkable experience. He has a clock in his living room that must be wound to run. It has not been wound for years. The key is in a drawer located far away from the clock. For one night immediately after my sweetheart's death, the clock would chime everry forty minutes after the hour....the time he died. We concluded that our loved one might have been telling us he had arrived in heaven and was okay.
This past Wednesday, May 20th, our great grandson, William Ethan, was born on his great grandfather's birthday even though he was not due until June 3rd and was going to be delivered cesearean. I was dreading the observance of that day but it was changed into a day of rejoicing that William can share his birthday with remembrance of his great grandpa. So I suppose nothing is a coincidence and God does give us little gifts if we will look for them .
I do think of my friends who are still in the midst of the battle with our enemy , and I thank you for your compassion and courage as you live the life that you were dealt. I especially admire the caregivers and alzheimer sufferers who should be living the good years . Never in my wildest dreams did I anticipate that our lives would be that of heartache and suffering but I now hope that I will be shown how to help my fellow caregivers survive their challenges with knowledge to help them as they follow the road we have traveled.
joyful, that was a lovely letter. We are so glad you are remaining here at Joan's site to help the rest of us. That will be a blessing for all of us.
I was having a real problem sleeping while we were building our house and my Doctor prescribed Ambian. Told me to take one every night except one night a week. I did that for about a month and it did help my sleep and then I weaned myself off of them. I was under a great deal of stress at that time. I was also taking and still am Celexa antidepressent once a day. If you are not already taking these I think now would be a good time to start and get through this terrible time. Bless you.
it is 11:21pm june 10. it has been 2 months since my dhs passing. i just can't sleep,until i am so exhausted i can barely go. i thought i was doing better,but i am really not. i cry at the drop of a hat. i just don't want to be around people much,especially crowds,i can't stand crowds. where do i fit in? i am lost. i am as alone in a crowd as i am at home by myself. i just don't know where i fit in anymore. my grieving is profound. i loved him so much and we were such a part of each other,i am just at a loss about everything. everything reminds me of him,whetherei am busy of not. our children are very supportive and our family is close,but i don't know how to be happy about anything anymore. i am trying to start work on his memorial garden,he is buried here on our family farm. we have finally gotten the ground ready to sow grass seed. i have picked deer resistent plants and knockout rose bushes. i know if i can just get this started it will help me. i have been searching the farm for an apropriate large limestone rock for a memorial stone. i want it from the farm,which he loved so much,instead of buying a mass produced stone,it will mean so much more to both of us. i love my family and my precious little grandbabies and some days or hours are not as bad as others. it is such a heartbreaking and earth shattering change in my life. jav*
(((((((jav))))))) Give yourself time. You are just at the beginning of the grieving process. If you want to stay in bed and sleep - do it. If you need to walk the grounds or go to the grave - do it. If you want to sit in a chair and do nothing - do it. Point is, you need to allow yourself the time to grieve then heal.
It has been a year and a half since my BIL died and my sister is just now starting to resume any since or normal life. They only had been married 8 years when he died after a long illness and she was that grief stricken. I assume you had many, many years - that is a lot to miss.
Be good to yourself and don't worry about crying all the time. Maybe if you give yourself permission to be so grief stricken you will be able to sleep better.
jav, my DH and I were married almost 30 years. Two months was just a beginning in the grieving process. Sleep is normally a major problem, sometimes for quite awhile. I agree with Charlotte, you need to give yourself time, let yourself feel what you feel, and accept that life is going to be difficult for some period of time. The memorial garden project does sound like it will be helpful to you.
jav, hugs to you and know we care--yours is a story many of us will have to endure sooner or later. your profound grief is so very difficult but such a crucial part of the healing process to begin. peace be with you. divvi
My wife of more than 30 years, died Feb 22 this year. Not a long time ago. I was doing reasonably well, moving on. I got a part time job in a church(I am non-religious, so this was an interesting chocie for me and them). I've been resolving the grief, wondering what happened and how. Despite some saddness, I could not complain about how things we going.
Monday, my youngest son hung himself. The funeral is this afternoon. This being stong is really starting to wear on me. The saddness and sense of loss has escalated to full scale agony. How stong do we have to be? I thought Vietnam was bad.
I am so so very sorry about your son. What a tradgedy. If words of support and love, along with hugs could ease your pain, know that you have every bit I can give you.
Oh no!!! dking, I am SO SORRY!!! To lose your wife is horrible! To lose your son, there are no words! Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers! I'll be with you in spirit this afternoon. Please feel our love, compassion and understanding. ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
oh dking i am so very sorry for you tragic losses. there are just no right words to tell you how sorry i am about your son. losing your wife of 30 yrs is so heartbreaking[my dh and i were also married 30 yrs],but losing a child must truly be an unbearable pain to bear. i pray that god will help ypu through this very difficult time. jav*
my husband died in November and I have not been on in some time. the grieving is just so hard sometimes,but you at this site is what kept me going,I am so sorry for your recent loss dking the thought of losing ones wife then your son is is just hard to understand.my thoughts and especially my prayers are with you and yours.
DKing, there is a whole discussion here at Joan's place for you - those who wanted to show their sorrow, compassion, love and give your their sympathy at your recent loss. Please find it and read it when you can. - Mary
I haven't visited the site for a long time. So many of us have lost our people since I last checked - my heart goes out to all of you. And, dking, I am so sorry, I do not want to imagine what it is like to loose a child.
It has been 10 months since my husband died. I find that, when I decide to miss him, the pain is as sharp as ever but I don't chose to focus on missing him so often. I will always love him, always miss him, but I will go on and love life without him. Like an oyster makes a pearl from a grain of sand.
In three weeks I am retiring and moving to my house in Oregon and starting my life over. Am I scared or excited? It's hard to tell.
Comment Author New Realm* CommentTime 7 hours ago edit delete
jav posted yesterday that this is the first wedding anniversary since her husband passed away. jav, my thoughts are certainly with you. Last year at this time I start that thread called "another anniversary....La de da." Well, its that time again. In just a few hours, July 29, would have been our 20th anniversary. It is a milestone I had dreamed we'd celebrate, big time. Given our age difference I wasn't waiting for a 25th to celebrate big. I think about tomorrow, and what is missing.........but it has also made me look back to the past couple of years and wonder. I wonder what I'd be feeling now if DH were here, knowing that the past two years DH didn't have a clue it was our anniversary. And thinking back to how DH's condition was just a few months ago. I can only imagine how much more miserable he would be, how much more lost, and how much harder perhaps for me.....to have him here, yet so absent from reality. I think perhaps the sadness of missing him, although a strong emotion, at least has some closure to it. I'm just rambling thoughts at the moment as I am getting sleepy now.
i still miss him so. i have just grieved so much and it is never enough,the tears are always there at the surface just ready to start. i am so lost without him. i don't know what to do with myself,and frankly i don't feel like doing much anyway. i am so lonesome for his smile and his laugh and just to hear his foot steps. the look in his beautiful blue eyes when he told me he loved me. sometimes i just think i can't stand the pain.
Jav, I am so sorry to read that you are still in so much pain. Have you talked to your physician about some "chemical" help...and if you are on some maybe it is time for a change. Also, have you looked into grief counseling?
As hard as it is, get out and get involved in something......go to the movies, take up an exercise program....go to some lectures...anywhere or anything that interests you.
You will always miss his smile and his presence.....but I know that your husband would want you to live your life to the fullest....
Don't be hard on yourself.....you will be fine...it is just going to take some time. But remember, you are important to a lot of people so take good care of yourself.
Here is a study for those who have lost their loved one. I did email back and questioned about having to be employed since for many, by the time their loved one dies they have reached retirement age or due to economy have not found employment.
Loss & Grief Support Study: $75 for a 1-hour phone interview
BODY: If you have experienced the death of a loved one, we welcome your feedback.
The Oregon Center for Applied Science (ORCAS) is conducting a research study to learn more about people’s experiences after the loss of a loved one. Participants will be compensated $75 for participating in a telephone interview (one hour). The information we gather will be used to help create a computer program designed to provide support to individuals in similar situations. To qualify, you must have experienced the death of a loved one within the last 9 – 24 months and currently be employed. The Loss & Grief Support Study is funded by a grant from the National Institutes of Health.
If you are interested in participating in our study, or if you have questions, please call us at 866.822.0226 or email us at griefsupport@orcasinc.com. _____
it doesn't seem that very many of the widows and widowers come to this thread. i don't come often but sometimes i just need to tell someone how i miss him. how i love him. how empty i feel without him. how my love goes on but he is not here,how everything reminds me of him. i have tried doing things that i think will make me happy,buying new clothes,shoes,jewelry,paying more attention to my apperance,but it is just momentary. nothing helps. i just think of him and how he liked to see me dressed to go somewhere. he thought i was so pretty. all i can think of is what he would have liked. i am so sad. i try not to show it to most people and try to act normal,but part of me is gone that i can't get back. my children and grandbabies are my life. i thank god for them. i am only happy when they are with me.
Jav, your message makes me cry on this lovely morning (and I NEVER cry). So sad, so sad, unimaginable loss, thank you for sharing this. I do wish you strength and happiness. Thank heavens, indeed, for children and grandchildren. So precious. (((HUGS)))
I agree with you, Jav. I come and read the threads and try to be glad that I'm not seeing him disappear bit by bit, that he's not suffering anymore, that I'm not doing all those things that I hated to do....but I miss my husband too much. I wish I had him back to tell him once more how much I love him and how much I appreciate that he loved me and would do anything for me. It's been almost 5 months since he died and I still never know when the tears will hit me...sometimes I have to quickly walk out of a store because I feel my eyes welling up. We didn't have children together so I feel so alone; everything I do seems so pointless. I do cover it up well and manage to get together with people and laugh and joke, but when I come home it always hits me that he's gone forever....so painful.
I'd like to suggest this blog for the widows among us.
http://journeytoanewlife.blogspot.com/
Read the early posts from 2005. Her husband died quite suddenly and did not have dementia, but the reason I'm suggesting it is that you can see the progression in her life over the last 4-5 years from exactly how both Jav and FLgirl are feeling and where she is now.
Life picked up for her very slowly, but I found the blog when I needed to know that there would be life AFTER.
I wish for all of you the peace that I have found in my life after my husband died. I don't pretend to have all the answers and I am not sure that I am "normal" in the way I handle grief, but once he was released from the hell that was end stage Alzheimer's, my shoulders relaxed, my heart lightened and the world was right again.
I truly did my grieving early on in the process when he lost "himself". He was so lost, afraid and then so mean and angry and then at the end much like an overgrown infant that my feelings went full circle and at the end I was through.
I wish for all of you dealing with so much grief that you find some peace and know that your loved one would want you to get along with your life....enjoy the wonderful things that the world has to offer....Big hugs.....
Sandi, I felt so much better reading your post. I thought I was "abnormal" in the way I have been handling my grief the last six months.
I also did my grieving during the long process and it intensified during the last three months when we had Hospice. I knew then that the end was near and both of us would be released from the living hell of the last seven years.
It's been six months now and I have good days and bad days. I will burst into tears once in awhile when something triggers a memory, but I am regaining my life.
Claude and I talked about this before he developed alzheimers. We cared for his brother who had dementia and when Henry passed on, Claude told me he loved me very much but if and when something happened to him, he didn't want me to "wear widow's weeds" and to get on with my life.
I hope those of you who have lost your loved ones use this thread more. It is encouragement for those who have lost their LO and those of us still on the journey. Thank you all.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I offer again, especially to jav* and FLgirl*, that for you both only a relatively short period of time has passed since you lost your DH. After so many years as part of a couple, through good times and the horror of AD, you need to be patient with yourselves, do as much grieving as you need to, set small goals. It takes time, it takes time, it takes time. Eventually, sooner for some and later for others, the things you force yourself to do will become more automatic and less forced and you will begin to pick up the pieces of your life. Just try to get through one day at a time. I know it's hard to believe now, but there will come a time when you realize you are feeling better. Maybe only a little bit better at first, but better. Arms around.
By all means, those of you who are the 'war veterans'(*) and are now on the other side of AD must come periodically and reinforce what you know to us who are following the journey behind. its sad to hear the terrible emotional pangs of grief are still raw for so many but that ther is hope that those too in time will pass -it gives the rest of us hope-divvi
I second jav's comments. I do know that I will come out on the other side of this...and there's almost a part of me that doesn't want to sharpness of the pain to go away because it means he's still so much with me. But he, too, would have wanted me to recover and enjoy life again.
Hi everyone! This is the first time I think that I have been back on since my husband passed away August 13th after 37 yrs of marriage. The tears flow as I related so to Joyful, jav and FLgirl and so many of you here. It is not just hard breaking but heartcrushing when you lose someone you have cared for 24/7 for so long and loved through it all. I guess we all know we will get through it as God isnt finished with us yet, and there is a purpose that we are still here. Maybe it is so we can be angels for one another and feel each others pain! My husband death was horrible , not peaceful at all. It was like he was having some sort of seizures there at the end and it was VERY hard to watch him go through. I KNOW he is in a much better place, and no longer has to fight the battle with EOAD anymore, but my heart is still so twisted, I cannot seem to function. I NEED to get out and find a job now, and I just have no gumption! My energy level is sapped and I just want to stay home. I do get out and go some but it is when I can run at my pace, and leave when I please, and I wont be able to do that in a new job. How is anyone going to want to hire me when I am still falling to pieces at times?? I am praying that God will just make this all workout for me, as I had to leave it all in his hands with my husband several months ago .
He stayed stable well within reason for so long when he took the downhill turn it just threw him int ofast motion and he became totally dependent within just a few days of a new med change. He then had to go into assisted living as I could not afford to keep sitters and couldnt lift him. Then he got aspirated pneumonia at the end and could not swallow. The dr told us that the antibiotics were not working and even if they did it would just reoccur one time after another as his blood protein was so low. I chose not to put him on life support as that was his wishes some years ago.
Looking back, there was not smiles in his pictures once the change happened that made him totally dependent. He didn't like not being able to go and do as he always had, and it is not a life he would have wanted even if he could have gone back to his previous before the pneumonia.
I have found I can just get nauseated and have heart palpitations over the oddest things, and they are not controllable. There are things I just do not FEEL I can do at times, be in a crowd, or go to a strange place , or just see something that was so much a part of him, and feel so sick! It is the toughest thing losing a spouse that I have ever seen! When the two of you became one, it is like the part that has been ripping from you since their illness just strips you down the side where your heart is and peels it away!
I have been reading a book called Getting through the Other Side of Grief. It is a BIG help to read for me. It and some other things I have read all tell you to journal. This is something I did some while he was sick, but just had not wanted to pick up the pen to do so. Finally did and it did relieve some of my feelings and I will be able to go back and read those things with time and know where I was coming from but see as I move on, I suppose.
Okay so you wont think Im wirting a chapter of it here, I will go . God bless each one of you that have gone through it , and the ones who know it is to come!
Decblu, so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine your pain and grief but know that your friends are still here and we want you to stay with us. You can help us and we can help you. So many new names every month -- people hurting at the beginning stages and still hurting at the end. Nothing good about this disease EXCEPT we have all found one another and there we have found acceptance, understanding and love. August 13 is not so long ago -- give yourself more time -- a new future will be waiting for you. Blessings.
(((((decblu)))))) My heart and prayers go out to you. May you feel his comfort in the hours and days to come. Please come back and continue to share with us. We are here for you and we need you.
As you can surmise by the time entered by me, I am not sleeping at night much. I don't know why but sleep eludes me most of t he t ime.
I want to tell yo u all about my latest attempt to help my grieving. I have joined a grief/sharing support group at m y church. Last night was my first night but I did enjoy the session. I will let you know how I progress after further meetings. I decided to join the group as I need to be able to talk to others who understand who are not my children. My family hurts too much when I do so I don't want to burden them. Also I will have the oppor tu nity to meet new people and get out of the house more. I find I am very lonely.
May we all get through this new journey in ou r lifes journey.
Joyful, that's a very positive step you've taken. Good for you. I'm sure you know not sleeping much is often part of the grieving process. Here's hoping your sleep improves soon. (((hugs)))
I also joined a griefshare group through a church. It does help to share with people who know what you're talking about..one of the women's husband also died of Alzheimer's Disease. It's not perfect...they are all older than me so I feel a little different. But since Jack died on April 3rd, I just didn't feel like I was moving through it. My friends are great, but how many times can you tell them that it still feels like someone took a knife and removed part of me when he died? There are times that I smile (dogs make you do that), but I feel so alone.
Yes, FLgirl*, dogs are great for lifting the spirits. Purring cats do a good job also. I hope you will find the griefshare group helpful. We feel alone because we are alone, but there are things we can do to keep from being lonely. (((hugs)))
decblu: Welcome to yet another club that we did not want to join. I appreciate the no energy. When my wife died Feb 22 this year, I resolved to do nothing for a year. Eventually I stumbled into a church office administrator job. It's kind of wierd. I told them in the interview that I am non-believer. I am significantly overqualified for the job. It's part-time and working out well. Not too hard, close to home and still plenty of time to sit around and do nothing.My wife's passing was like your husband's. It was like the battle was over, but she continued to fight. Very hard. Still it wasn't the hardest thing I've had to do this year. The trick seems to be get up each day and only do stuff that you want to. There are a lot of things that should be done, even need to be done, but take some time to breath and do nothing. You have to really work at doing nothing, because you are so wired to doing everything. In that process, you will find your own balance, occasional burst of energy and a growing clarity of what you really want to do.
FLgirl, your comment about feeling so alone is exactly how I feel often. I do have a little Maltese dog named Lil Bit. She is good company, was my husbands dog until he didn't know her anymore then she became mine. Weekends are the worse for me because that is when everyone is doing something . I also get lonesome at night and wish I could have company but I suppose I will be alone for the rest of my life so I try to do things during the day and watch TV at night.
We will get through this but it is painful isn't it while we learn how to be alone.
decblu*, somehow I missed your post and several that followed. I'm so sorry for your loss. It is still so new, so fresh, it's really too soon to expect much of yourself except just to get out of bed everyday. Getting through the most acute grieving takes time and more time. Dan has given good advice.
Dan, it's good to hear from you. You've had a double dose of loss. It sounds from your post that you are beginning to find your way. I'm glad.
decblu i missed your post as well -i am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband. its still very soon and your grieiving will be running its course for some time. wishing you well, stick around and help some of the others here who will need a guiding hand = divvi