Today one of my daughters and I drove out to the cemetery. This daughter was not able to be with us when we placed Bill's marker and she wanted to go (she lives out of state). It was a nice visit in spite of her tears. We walked around a bit and spoke of how things used to be. The unresolved issue was-when did the monster enter our lives. I am often asked when we realised dementia was the elephant in the room. We have no answer. I continue to be haunted by the things I did not know, should have known, and what perhaps could have been done to ease my husband's misery.
That is a question we all face and there really isn't an answer. Looking back now, I can remember seeing little things a good 10 years before we got a diagnosis. We just attributed them to getting old. Plus I don't remember ever hearing the term"alzheimers" or even dementia. When older people started having personality changes, all that was said was "he (or she) is just getting senile.
Now after my own years of research and all the wonderful information I've gotten from each of you on this board, I realize now what some of those those little things were. Would knowing at the time have changed anything I did? I doubt it. I did the best I could do for him with the cards that were dealt us until God took him into his loving arms.
Looking back, there are two things I would do differently. ASK for help - not wait for people to offer and RESPITE. Until he passed on, I didn't realize how burnt out I was and how much I needed it.
Just a reminder,tip. Since the death of my son I've had to do so many things, contact so many places, etc. Just wondered if you have thought of this:
If he/she had a drivers license, contact your Department of Motor Vehicles to report the death, so no one can apply for a DL under his name.
Contact the credit bureaus to put an "alert" on his credit file, and ask for a copy of his credit report. For stolen identity purposes.
If there is a passport, send copy of death certificate, original passport, so it will be canceled. You can request the passport be returned if you wish to keep it. Send to: ATTENTION CLASP, 1111 19th St. NW, Suite 500, Washington DC 20036.
Identity theft people watch the obituaries for information, as we probably all know, but I never really thought of the above items.
Another sad moment. My best friend-who was always here for me died last night. She died in her own bed, in her own home and on her own terms. I will miss her greatly.
Bluedaze, I am so sorry to read this news. I just got word this morning that one of my friends died this weekend. Only 55 years old and the only thing I know so far is that she fell......what a shocker. So, I know how you are feeling....
Some of us have been on this site for many years. Too much has happened to all of us. Friendships have been made and lost here. It means a lot when notes of condolence are posted. Our grief is acknowledged. It hurts a lot when some forget us. But we do go on.
Oh Nikki, I did hear and it was a horrible accident...one of those set of circumstances that ends tragically. Carrying a TV out of the house with her husband....he slipped, she slipped and she fell onto a garden stake that was next to the house...it pierced her eye, thru her brain and she was gone....it gives me chills to think of it......
Sandi, that give ME chills. How horrible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We focus so hard on our immediate concerns with Alzheimer's Disease all around us and never expect to lose a friend or a son so tragically... I'm so sorry. Nancy B*
Sandi, I am so very sorry!! It gives me chills as well.... one likes to think of peaceful deaths... I am so sorry for your friend, and all of those who love her. I am also sorry that you have these images in your mind of your dear friend. May your memories comfort you my friend ♥
Tonight-when the sun goes down I will light a candle in remembrance of my dear husband who died one year ago. What a year it has been. Last week I lost a friend who was like the sister I never had. Another good friend is doing poorly in the hospital. Both of my cherished red cats have also left me. On this site I have met many wonderful fellow travelers. Some have become very dear friends and some have deserted me. Life changes and so must we. My daughter became a memory care specialist in memory of her dad. Gracie came into my life-the dearest little cat ever. I continue in my husband's path to become a reading mentor. I even have a badge that says "visiting clergy"-giving me the privilege of visiting fellow congregants who are hospitalized. I am in the "after" and trying to find my way. The greatest legacy my husband leaves is three wonderful children who all make the world a better place.
bluedaze*, I will also light a candle tonight in memory of your husband - and for you as you continue in the "after". May God continue to bless you. You have been an inspiration to me. Thank you.
I am also sending (((HUGS))) I hope that you always know that you are an inspiration to me. You have helped me so much on the FTD side of this devastating disease.
((Nora)) add me to the list of people you have helped. When I was at my lowest, your words lifted me up. I will forever carry them in my heart ♥ I am sorry I missed the date, and I hope it wasn't too difficult for you. I too am glad you have Gracie, pets bring so much comfort to our lives. ((hugs))
Nora and Sandi, so sorry to hear of your losses. I don't often open this discussion (but have been feeling like a widow this week) so I have just seen the news. So sad to lose a beloved friend. Thoughts are with you. Love, Jeanette
If you have lost your spouse over a year ago are you still wearing your wedding band? I am still wearing mine but am thinking of removing it as I no longer feel married. No-I am not looking for another relationship ;D
I actually haven't worn mine in a long time....while caring for my husband it seemed like I was always washing my hands and then his skin got so thin that I was afraid that I would hurt him with the ring. I am now used to not having it on.....And, no, I am not interested in another relationship either...LOL!
My engagement ring and wedding ring were welded together and some time ago I had the Jeweler remove the Diamond and reset it in another ring. For a while I wore it on my right ring finger but after having a ring on my left hand for so long and a longstanding habit of "checking to make sure it was still there", I moved my new ring to my left hand. I kept "panicking" thinking I had lost my ring.
Lois I know the feeling. After wearing my wedding ring for 51 years my finger felt strange when I took my ring off for a day. I'm still trying to figure out what and who I am.
Claude's been gone for 27 months and I still wear my wedding band. I did take my engagement ring off shortly after he passed on. I just feel comfortable with it on. I'm not looking and even if I were, I wouldn't know where to look!!! All the men at the Senior Center are there with their spouses and there are very few single men at church. eHarmony or Match.com????? I don't think so. Not for me.
Also, I haven't been "on a date" for 42 years and I wouldn't know how to act. LOL
Today and friend and I went to visit my husband's grave. I haven't gone there alone yet. I finally felt a sense of peace as I placed flowers in his urn. The seashells we had put on his marker from last visit are still there. The circle of life continues.
So many have added * to your names recently, I want you to know you've been and are a wonderful example of caregiving and help to those following you. This site is a wonderful circle of friends and encouragers even tho' I've not met you. May peace and comfort continue with you.
Zibby, I agree! All of you are indeed appreciated and greatly needed. Many, many, many times your words have given me strength, courage and hope. THANK YOU for sticking around to help us through our journey ♥
Nora, so good to hear you finally feel some peace ((hugs))
Ihaven't been on the site for quite a while..now I see so many of you have added a star to your name...My heart goes out to all of you..the long hard journey is over for our loved ones and for us. Life will never be what it was before the monster came into our lives, we have to cherish all the beautiful memories we had. Life does go on, it takes a different path. We are here for a reason, we still have a job to do. I am back in Clearwater,Fl. where Dario and I spent most of our 59 years of marraige.. raising 5 children. It is here that Dario is buried, and where I have so many life long friends. I am very happy here, keeping very busy..I volunteer at the hospital, look after my dear friend, who is home bound..I have reconnected with a man that I have known since 5th grade..he has a Son, 60 yrs old, that had a severe stroke 8 years ago..is unable to talk, or walk...he is now in a Hospice, I never did know him before, but we seem to have a connection, he lights up when he sees me...I can relate with him, maybe, because I lost my only son at 39 with ALS...The Lord gives us a reason to be in a certain place at a cetain time. My friend ( his Father) needs me for support.I feel that I am helping them both. My Prayers go out to all of you that are still on the journey,and for those that will be taking a new path...love, Rosalie
It's so good to hear from you Rosalie. It makes me happy to know that you are enjoying your life. Even with all of my problems I love seeing that sun come up every morning. Check in with us once in awhile and know we love you.
I am writing to tell everyone * some very happy news. I am going to be married on September 3. I was reintroduced to a very old acquaintance back in early March and it was amazing. I feel YOUNG again, .. I led the parade of those who say, "NO WAY! NEVER AGAIN!" and anything I could think of as valid reasons to say no if I was even asked out. My friend is so dear, so caring, and we are incrediblly happy. My husband died about 20 months ago. I was not looking around, and had become very involved in church activities and other groups. A mutual friend asked me if it would be okay to give him my number, .. I said Yes...and we have spent an obscene number of hours on the phone..and visiting back and forth. Yes, my friends, there is a happily ever after!! and I am simply telling all of you to never say "never".
Life is good...and my future is so bright. Who would have ever 'thunk' it?
That is happy news and I am so glad life is good for you again. Cupid must be working overtime lately because so many of you are finding happiness and joy. Makes me feel good.