I've been a widow now for nearly two years and I still wear my wedding band. My sister took her rings off the day her husband died. I agree with Marsh, do whatever makes you comfortable.
I had my band made into a heart that I will wear forever on a chain around my neck. My Engagement Ring in now on my right hand ever since I injured my left finger. I"ve seen many simply move them to their right hand. As has been stated, it's a personal choice of whatever you are comfortable with.
I had my diamond reset in non-engagement ring style white gold mounting and until recently still wore it on my left hand because I had worn a ring there for so many years it has taken me several months to get used to not panicing when I feel for it and it is not there. I never took it off. I now have it off and either wear it or another ring on my right hand. Actually, I love rings and usually wear 2 or 3.
I still wear my wedding ring, but I need to have it reset for my right hand. Like Lois, I've worn a ring on my left hand for so long, I guess I need to find a birthstone or something for that ring. As for looking???? No, I'm not hanging out a shingle -- "Widow Looking For A Man", - but I had such a happy marriage, I wouldn't mind having that feeling again. I miss the companionship of a kind and gentle person...so if a special person showed up on my doorstep, I wouldn't chase him away with a broomstick. Never say never. Look at our Texas Joe and Joyce..
That's right, Nancy, never say never. It seems we are happier every day. If you can be happy when the weather has been gray, wet and cold for a week, it must say something about who you are with.
TexasJoe...so great to hear about you. I remember reading your posts about taking me skydiving, and I am excited to see that there is light at the end of this very long dark tunnel. I surely hope to follow in your footsteps someday (if I don't go skydiving first.) I did buy a parachute...it was really cheap, and they told me that the owner had only used it once...a great deal for only $20.00, but no warranty.
Tomorrow will be another tough one. I am having a memorial service for my husband as we install his grave marker. I selected this week as some of my northern family will be here for their annual snow bird trip. My son, dil and grandgirl are already here. Poor Gracie ( cat) is exhausted with my grand daughter wanting to play with her non stop. I got out all my good plastic so we could have a low key pizza dinner. Tomorrow will be a different story. I will need all your good thoughts.
bluedaze, thoughts and prayers as you get thru this day placing the marker. i know it will bring back lots of memories, hopefully good ones. hugs. divvi
This prayer was sent to me by the wife of a dear friend of Jim's. As strange as it may seem. her husband is, like Jim was, is suffering from FTD.
Dear God: This is for my friends, whom I love and this is my prayer for Them; Help Them liveThier lives to the fullest. Please promote Them and cause Them to excel above Their expectations. Help Them to shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect Them at all times. They need you the most, and let Them know that when They walk with you, They will always be safe. Love you my Friends!
Now you're on the clock . . ...
Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps. if you are not willing to move your feet
My CPA told me that since the Funeral Home had notified Social Security when he died and in so doing, sent them a death certificate, it would not be necessary to include another one when I filed last year. If your husband was not receiving SS, I'd think it would definitely be necessary. Always ask. Better include one if you are not sure.
Joyce43 and TexasJoe announce their engagement to be married on November 11th of 2011, in Michigan. The date was suggested by Joyce’s grandson, who said it would be easy to remember since we were so old.
Congratulations and best wishes for a wonderful life together. Many people do not read this thread so I am going to make a separate discussion topic just for this special announcement.
Faye, you have NOT lost your reason for existing, unless you give up to the past and don't try.
You can get around this...Keep getting out and look to the future. I have now been a widow for 14 months and am not about to let myself go to the grave until I do some more living. God willing.
Take baby steps and do one thing at a time. Don't dwell on what was because it is gone and will never return. I am doing bus trips and volunteering and having lunch with friends - last week I went to a movie alone. But you just take one step at a time. You can do it and your life is worthwhile. It is easy to slip into the past but there is a whole world out there and we owe it to our families and ourselves to take advantage of it.
Faye, This feeling will definitely fade away. I know how you feel, because I, too, lost my husband about fourteen months ago. I know first hand how the valley of the shadow of death looks and feels, but I kept walking, kept walking, ....and often would end my posts here with the words, "Left foot forward, right foot forward, left foot forward......" to make my point that somedays I needed to read those instructions aloud to get through the moments... and then it gradually began to get better. Unlike Lois, I live in a city with no family and over the years, most of our closest friends either died or moved to be nearer their children. So I was alone and it was not as easy for me to jump into activities...the way it was for Lois who had lived in the same town most of her life and was surrounded by daughters and grandchildren and long time friends and extended family. But, to make my point, ... I'm OK now. Life is good. It just won't happen overnight. I can say the worst part was the first six months, the tears finally stopped (for the most part) during the second six months and now I feel whole again. Oh, I have those moments when I see happy couples shopping together or sitting together in church holding hands.... but the moments pass quickly and I'm back to being the "me" I am today. I'll never be the way I was before, because I'm not that person anymore. I am someone I like, though, and I focus on making something good out of every day. Spring is upon us and it will help. On another note, you might want to have your vitamin D checked. (read about it). It's one test most doctors don't run, but if it's low (and mine was 11..which is dragging bottom) if it's low, you'll lack energy and feel depressed. It's the 'sunlight' vitamin and after the dark of winter, many people are walking around without enough. I take a mega capsule (from the doctor) of Vitamin D once a month and now my number is 68. Sometimes depression is due to vitamin deficiencies - and you don't need to take Zoloft etc. Wish I could give you a hug.... and help you through this. You'll do it. A year from today, I promise you'll look back as I do and say.."I've come a long way, baby!!!"
Okay, so you got upset and said a bad word. Now, forgive yourself and start a new day. Your Acy was right getting upset about things we cannot do anything about hurts us. FayeBay, you will be okay and things will get better. Praying for some sunshine in your life. (Hugs)
FayeBay, what we're both missing are the husbands who used to listen. Even when they were beyond understanding a lot of what we were saying, the fact that there was a warm body there, someone who cared that we were upset, made it easier for us to deal with our "ditch." Friends and good neighbours help, but it is not quite the same. I think that your solution of letting the "ditch" go. You are more important.
FayeBay - I would thank God for the ditch. To block the messed up ditch, a thought would be to plant some shrubs there that would block the direct view of it. Not only that, looking at greenery or even flowering shrubs is good for the soul.
You can get small shrubs like low growing azaleas or daphne that get no more than 18 - 24 inches with no trimming required. They would be just high enough to not see the ditch yet not interfere with the view going out of your driveway.
ahhh ladies, I've just hit my ditch. I am in a happy relationship with a wonderful, caring, generous, fun, active man, but the looming, dreaded One Year Anniversary has thrown me off kilter. I've been having such fun, laughing, enjoying going out to dinner, the movies, theater and enjoying Ed's company so much, but the anniversary of losing Jim is hitting me harder than even I expected. I just want to crawl into a warm blanket and let it pass. I plan to make a purple wreath with my grandsons to mark the occasion and encourage them to talk about Papa. We will have Jim's two favorite foods - pizza and apple pie. My brother is coming up this weekend, that will help, but with the home repairs he has planned, I will have to postpone the "memory day" with the boys until a week from Saturday. Ed is being very understanding. I know it is hard for him to see me sad. So glad you are all with me. Arms around, S*
Susan, I hope you will find a way to stop thinking about so many 'anniversaries'. His birthday, your birthday, Valentine's Day, the day he died. You'll never go forward until you stop looking backward. I'm glad your Ed is understanding, but I have had many men and women tell me that one of the biggest 'turn-off's" in a relationship is when the other person cannot stop talking about their former husband/wife or 'ex' husband or wife. I, too, lost my husband a little over a year ago..and I live away from family.. I had been married to my dearest love for many many years...but I have let him go. It's what he would have insisted I do. That doesn't mean to FORGET him, but I have stopped having Memorial Day observations at every turn. I have beautiful memories and often write that when I think of him (daily), I remember the healthy wonderful man he was, not the child-like man he was at the end. He would want me to think of him like that too.
I hope you are right, and that Ed DOES understand. What else could he say?
Well, I am coming up on the three year mark of the day my husband died. I don't dwell on dates, or anniversaries, or memorials.....that just wasn't our style. I have been to the cemetery once....to make sure the stone was engraved properly and that was it. I honored my husband every day of his life.....we were high school sweethearts, married at age 21 and raised two wonderful children. We were married for over 40 years when he died and for the 13 years that he struggled with Alzheimer's I was his constant.
I see him in the faces of our grandsons.....I hear his voice in the words of our son.....I see his blue eyes on the face of our daughter. I don't need any other remembrances.....
I am a better woman because of him.....the wonderful life that he gave me and the humility and patience that I learned by being his caregiver.
I do the same as Nancy and Sandi, in my life now. We were married over 50 years, from my age 17 and his 19. We lived and worked together in our own businesses most of those years, 24/7. I also don't celebrate "anniversary's" nor dates. I cannot remember my kids and grandkids ages, without counting and would forget their birthday's without a reminder. This year on our Anniversary date I think the kids forgot and I didn't remind them.
Dates are just not that important to me. The kids and grandkids and I all enjoy reminiscing about the good and bad times in our lives. We laugh together and enjoy the past that we shared. But the past is past and will not be again. Now, I want to focus on the future and living my life to the fullest. I don't think I can do that if I don't "close that door". I do visit the Cemetery at least a few times a year, changing out flowers for the season but this year I am turning some of the seasons over to my daughters who also live close by. I think it is important for them to have a "history" of visiting the grave-sites of their relatives and ancestors. Actually, I think I will also include Son who lives 2 1/2 hours away for one of the seasons. This will definitely be a "first" for him since childhood but it will also keep the "connection" for him. Be interesting to see his contribution. Most families likely do not have this tradition in their family but it is in ours.
Many years ago when I was widowed the first time around, I thought I was doing fine coming upon the first anniversary of his death, but the day hit me unexpectedly hard. One of the reasons I was doing so well was that I had just started dating my beloved Charlie. He held me as I cried and let me know he understood. He did too. He had been widowed at almost the same time I was. Now, this time around there will be no one to hold me and understand when the first anniversary comes around. But I will get through it just as I have gotten through everything else.
Claude has been gone two years now and I've moved on. We had nearly 39 years together and I have let him go also. I have wonderful memories of our years together and is what I remember, not specific days. I haven't met anyone else, nor do I really want to...at least at this point in time.
My sister-in-law has been in mourning thirty-two years. She did meet a wonderful guy a few years later. Everyone including her kids really liked him. He wanted to marry her, but he couldn't compete with Tom....so he moved on. She is still alone.
Thank you all for you comments. ehamilton, you captured my life/emotions perfectly. I guess we each deal with our grief in our own manor. I don't normally dwell on my loss, Ed has asked questions, I have answered honestly. He has voiced his support and his dedication to our relationship. We have talked about the sudden rush of emotion that I am feeling. He is concerned for me, but is giving me the support and space to deal with this Last First. I am so glad that this IS the LAST FIRST. I feel that once March 7th has passed I can go forward with a smile and remember the happy times. I am enjoying the process of building a new life. March 7th is a speed bump on my road to recovery.
((Susan)) I don't think there is a right or wrong, we each just need to do what is best for us. We need to be true to ourselves. If anniversaries are important to you, you need to be able to express those feelings in any way that you think will help you. I think the wreath is a wonderful idea ♥
On the 14th, it will be three years since my Dad took his life. His death was unlike any other I have ever experienced. I am still grieving hard. It is a different kind of grief with suicide....... My family does still mark this occasion, each in their own way. I think, it is the only way we can try to find some kind of closure. It doesn't have to be sad, it can be a celebration of life. For Christmas, I put my favorite picture of Dad in a prominent place. Before dinner, we light two candles. One I blow out, this represents the grief, pain and darkness we feel and our struggle to come to terms with his loss. The other one we leave burning all day and night... this represents our Dad, the love we still feel for him, and that the love will forever be a "flame" in our hearts. Others light their own candle and say a few private words.. whatever they need, to help them.
That is all any of us can do. What we need to get through. Keeping you close in my heart and thoughts ((Susan))
((Sandi)) you made me get teary eyes, what you wrote was beautiful!! ♥
You are right...everyone is different and how we were raised and our life experiences probably have great influence over how we grieve and deal with death and dying.
When my husband got aspiration pneumonia I was faced with a decision.....but knowing what my husband would want made it easier. Plus, since aspiration had caused the pneumonia I would have been faced with another decision if I had chosen to treat. He would have had to have a feeding tube inserted. I could not see the point.....why would I want to put him through more of his near vegetative state? How many more years would he have lived...? I will never know, but I know that I did the right thing for him, for me and for our whole family.
I think you are right Sandi, how we were raised must have something to do with it. Since I was a young girl, my grammy and I went to plant all of our families graves for every Memorial day. We even made a special trip to Massachusetts to plant my grampa‘s grave. I was extremely close to him, and I took his death hard. He always joked when he was dying that someone better bring him a cup of coffee from time to time. That was in 1979, and to this day, I still go visit and share a cup of coffee with him. I plant our family plots to honor them, to let those I never met know they are not forgotten, to carry on tradition, and to respect my grams wishes. It was very important to her that flowers be on the graves of her family. It brings me peace and it brings me comfort to stay in "touch" with those I loved so deeply. I am one of 7 children, and I am the only one who does this. Though, I have shared this tradition with my niece and nephew ♥
Now my Dad, I have great difficulty going to his grave. I find no peace there. I find no peace anywhere in his death. Yet, all of my siblings go.. for his birthday,, Christmas etc etc.... so I guess my point is, we each do what we feel we need to and want to do. It doesn't mean one loves the lost more or less, it is just who we are and how we handle things.
As you know your personal journey has moved me, and many times to tears. You have helped me immensely on my own journey. ♥ I can not imagine having a loved one in as severe a vegetated state as your DH was, not to mention how long he was in it. Breaks my heart just to think about it in truth...... We all must do what we feel is right for our loved ones, without a doubt you know you did. That, in the end, is all that truly matters. ((hug)) ♥ Nikki
((Susan)) I am so glad your heart is healing. Your Ed loves you, that means he loves you because of who you are! Don't change, don't be afraid to share your feelings and emotions. You said he was dedicated and willing to help you pick up the pieces, no matter how long it took or how many pieces there were. You just have to trust him. It is NORMAL to grieve. The firsts, are always difficult.... I am glad you have people surrounding you to help you heal. ♥ ((hugs))