Bluedaze,In my case, many cards and mass cards were sent by church members and the retirement community where I live, so I sent a "blanket" thank you note to publish in the church and community newsletters. Perhaps there is a local publication where you can send a thank you note. In my husband's obituary was a suggestion to send to The Alzheimer's Association, which quite a few did.
My heart goes out to you and I feel your pain. It will be 3 months on the 20th.
Nora, the funeral home package we had included a variety of thank you/memory cards for us to choose from. I only sent them to people who sent flowers, came a long distance, brought us a meal, made a donation to AFTD etc. You could check with a local funeral home to order some. They are great because you don't have to sign them, they come signed, from the family of the deceased. Hope this helps, I will be 4 months on June 7th.
HLK I did post thank yous in the community and temple newsletters. Hope that gets me off the hook. I am making some personal phone calls to local folks who made donations.
I wasn't prepared for the sadness I feel today. For the past several years Bill didn't know it was Father's Day-but I did. This is the first of "firsts" in my widowhood.
For years while I was caregiver of my husband, I lamented because he and I no longer were able to communicate as we once had and a disconnect had occurred. He died on Feb. 17th,2009 and I began to wish fervently that he would appear somehow and talk to me if only in dreams but when I dreamed of him infrequently he never talked to me or even looked at me, ignoring me as if he and I were strangers. Last night, I dreamed that he and I were lying together , facing one another, and he began to talk to me about his days as a pilot in the Air Force, and events in our lives during our 58 year marriage. I dreamed that as we talked, my oldest son came in the room and was surprised to see his father and I talking . The experience was so comforting and somehow began to melt the sadness in my soul. I don't know if I was granted a short opening of the curtain between life and the other side, or if it was only a dream from my desire to communicate with my sweetheart. I do hope that I will be able to feel his presence sometimes if only infreqently but in the interim I am thankful for this lovely dream.
Sorry, bluedaze*. Today is 6 months since DW passed; puts a damper on Father's Day.
joyful*, those dreams (or not) are good, aren't they? I've had a couple, but they were of early in her walking difficulty, long before the tragic end stage.
I've had a tough day. No Dad, No Husband to celebrate with. We all just kind of ignored it. 15 weeks today. Aghhh, when will it get easier. I met a woman, aged 81 on our Grandparents/kids Retreat. She has been a widow for 14 years. When I asked her what I could do to move forward, she took me by the shoulders, gave me a shake and said, "Move on with your life, you've got to build a New Life!" Alrighty then! How about a bit more time???
Susan - you will rebuild your life IN YOUR TIME. You are doing good as far as I am concerned. Unlike TJ and others, you have two young ones to focus on which I think is helping you. You know you need to move on for them.
DH's birthday is the 30th and our 48th anniversary will be a week later. This is the worst time of the year. Wish we could be together to help each other through. I know how you're feeling marygail*. Cyber HUG to you.
thanks joyce, we celebrated his birthday with a party of pizza ,cake and ice cream his favorites, was a nice time but when all was done I cried so hard , how I miss him, it`s been nine months and seems like yesterday, when will the pain end, I am getting on with my life but it`s days like today that leave my feeling drained and empty.Yes the entire family all five kids and the grand kids and husbands and pain in the butt wife, won`t go there long story.I just accept her as she is.you hang in there , I got through it so will you, it is soooooooo hard to do but we have to go on, right? Gail
marygail* I am ahead of you in this phase. DH has been gone a year and a half. When will the pain end? I don't know. Yesterday I was writing a friend and started to cry over something I was writing and had to stop. It is a lot easier now but the memories creep back and the pain is still there when they do. If we made it through AD, we can make it through this. I agree it is sooooooooo hard.
We celebrated Jim's Birthday with a little less fanfare than you did Gail, but it felt good to honor him. It is almost 4 months and suddenly I feel like the pain is so raw. I cry and cry. It is amazing how it does just creep back in. I don't know how to move on. I feel stuck. I've just come off of one of my meds and the dr & my therapist think that is was masking some of the pain. Now I have to deal and it hurts. Aghhhh, we did make it through the 1st battle, wasn't expecting the 2nd battle, living, to be as excrutiating.
when the numbness wears off, the pain of loss is excruciating.............................Last night I prayed the Lord my soul to keep, then I cried myself to sleep, so sure life wouldn't go on without you. But oh this sun is blinding me as it wakes me from the dark. I guess the world didn't stop for my broken heart."
I totally understand how all of you are feeling. Two nights ago was the 5th full moon since Mike died - he died on a full moon. This Thursday would have been the 30th anniversary of the day Mike proposed and we knelt down together before God (at the edge of my foam mattress - the mattress was both a couch and a bed) and said our vows to each other before God. This is the anniversary that always meant the most to us because we always felt like the one in November was for people, but this one was the one that really counted. I am so sad. I keep trying to do things ... I work, I put our house on the market (it is way too big for me), I went to a Grief Recovery Group, and I am trying trying trying to make myself get out and do things. I am only 47 and that makes me feel like I should be more resilient, I should be DOing more, BEing more, SOMEthing more ... Oh, other people keep telling me I am doing a great job at life and at work, but I feel like I am wearing a facade. If they only knew how much I want to just curl up and die. I just don't want to have to DEAL with anything or anyone. I have a new grandbaby coming and I would normally be sooo excited, and I have had a few glimmering, shimmering moments of joy, but those moments are so fleeting and then I am more sad because they don't last. When I feel the joy (those few times that I have), I do my best to enjoy the feeling and make it last, but my feelings are not under my control! Like so many things that are not in my control. I can't make someone buy my house, I can't make myself find where I am supposed to go, I can't control anything. It feels like when I couldn't help my Mike, when I couldn't keep my Mike here. I feel so very alone. Don't worry, I am not suicidal. I won't just curl up and die, just like I keep walking into the grocery store even as with every step I take my mind and my being says "I can't! I can't! I can't!" Like with taking care of my Mike, I keep going and going and going and ... when I think I can't go any more, I go a little further. Just one more step ... one more breath ... one more sigh.
My daughter's "very significant" birthday is coming up this Monday. Over 50 people will be there. In the midst of all the festivities will be one huge empty place.
In my head I know it is going to get better but in my heart it hurts so bad, only my son and one daughter seem to understand, my daughter Jennie was there for everything with me and my son has to drive by the cemetery a dozon times a day driving his truck for work and he says it just kills him to do it. We have to do what we have to do. I keep telling myself I can do this. Gail
Oh Gail, one day I think I'll make it , the next I'm sure I won't. Just know that you are not alone and that there are friends who love you and understand. We won't desert you.
I joined a support group of women with various stressors in their lives. One has a husband who is terminally ill, two others have attempted suicide (sound familiar) etc. It has been very good for me to be in a non-judgemental room with women my age. It is run by my therapist. It is emotional, but healing. We are all looking at ways of trying to learn to thrive not just survive. Boy, isn't that what we are all doing?
I do not plan to stop living. It's been seven months, and God knows it's not easy, but every day is a little better than the one before. Of course, there are frequent moments, but I am beginning to remember so many of the good times and in time, I am sure I'll remember our life together as one of joy, triumps, trials and rebounds. Today, I was alone, but I made a traditional Fourth of July Texas Dinner. I barbequed a chicken..mmmm, and some drummets..lots of delish' left overs. I made a Potato (1) salad - I call it the One Potato Salad, that's all I boiled...and then made it "our way, with chopped celery, green onions, grated boiled egg and a mixture of mustard and mayonaise. It made a small bowl full, probably 3 meals there. I bought a quart of the very best Pinto Beans ever!, called Borracho Beans from a local Mexican food restaurant, and finished it with a sugary sweet wedge of watermelon.
I had purchased some strawberries and blueberries to put on vanilla ice cream. What was I thinking. I couldn't begin to eat all I fixed. ---------- So, with the music of the Boston Pops, Macy's Fireworks Celebration and the Capitol Fourth blasting on the TV, I enjoyed my delicious dinner. I had a choice. Curl up in a ball and say OH POOR ME, or get up and think about something else. Yes, I do have memories of a houseful of people at our beach home, fireworks on the beach, (too many, but it was so fun for Foster), gritty sand all over the house, ... but I don't think I'd want that mess around me today. I called the children...and some called me..
It was a good day. God Bless America, and God Bless Me!
Nancy, good for you. It is a choice that we make.....I am glad you are making the choice to enjoy life. Things are different but that doesn't mean that the "things" can't be good. Hurray for you.....Big hugs....
Nancy I like your thinking....Life does go on, and we have a choice, to enjoy what life we have left, or curl up and wither away....It will be almost 6mo. since Dario passed...I have made a choice to move back to Clearwater.. I moved here to Jacksonville, because I needed help, from my daughters that live here,that was 3 years ago, now that I am alone..I have too much time on my hands....I have many over 40year friendships in Clearwater...friends that I miss very much...many in the same boat. I plan on going to Top of the World...they have a lot going on there, and many of my friends live there, so I know I will keep busy. First, in August , I will be making a trip to Italy, to visit with Dario's family( he came here in 1950) it will be mixed emotions, but it is something that I need to do..When I come back in Sept....I will make my plans to go back to Clearwater... WE all will have our beautiful memories with our spouses...The Lord gives us the strength to go on, we are here for a reason....God Bless you All...we are Blessed to have this wonderful web-site, I don't think we would have made it..without it...Rosalie
Good for you Nancy. I knew you could do it and would. Rosalie, I think your moving back to Clearwater sounds like a great idea. Have a safe trip to Italy. Thumbs up to you both.
It has been a while since I posted, but I again feel the need. First of all, am sad that Rosalie is moving back to Clearwater but happy for her, a good decision for her. We had planned on going to the same community near Jacksonville and near where my daughter and son-in-law will be moving, in a year or so. It doesn't mean that we won't share times together there and in NJ while I am still here. Go for it, Rosalie! We will be talking soon.
I now have a different "problem" on dating, and so soon. I will ask for Joan's guidance on posting another thread.
I am elaborating on the problem I mentioned above and seek your help! My DH has been gone nearly four months, and we all know the terrible loneliness that sets in, and the huge void in each day of not being able to visit him in the NH. I just met a fine gentleman through a friend who has been widowed for six years. We had a luncheon date and we were both impressed with one another. Now comes the real problem I have...I am ill at ease to have him in my home after sharing it with my DH for eight years, not to mention the bedroom, in time. My DH has not been in the house for nearly two years, but everything is a reminder of him. My DH constantly told me to "find someone to take care of me and the dog"
Is there any particular time when it is proper to begin a new relationship, and how do I handle the house situation? Does that ever go away?? I need him to be comfortable, but I need that too. I hope some of you wonderful friends have had this experience and can help!
Helen, i dont think there are any set rules about how you proceed with a new relationship once your journey has ended. its time to start living again and sounds like you have found a nice person to start over with at least getting out into the dating again. if you are uncomfortable it will surely reflect in your demeanor. maybe its time to do a little redecorating and new color schemes to make your home more you and not such a reminder of before? and this especially would include the bedroom - do a complete makeover with new bedding and colors pictures etc. liven it up to something that makes you happy. its time you and the dog start enjoying life again. i wish you all the best and hope you find happiness ~~~~~~~~~~~~ divvi
Helen, you go, girl! I am happy that you have found a compatible person.
I agree with Divvi, make some changes around the house...make it your own. If my husband came back to life he wouldn't recognize the house. It is all mine now....I love it.
Give yourself some time and I bet that everything falls into place.
Thanks Divvi and Sandy for your suggestions. The redecorating is a good solution, but I am still expecting to have to move to FL in a year or so when my daughter and SIL will be moving and redecorating is expensive. Best idea is for the bedroom to be out of bounds. My new "friend" is too focused on things, I find, so everything is on hold and just e-mailing now. He keeps asking why women think it is sex (when he says he can't perform, and actually I don't care) just "cuddling"..How do you men feel about this?? Why come on so strong at the beginning of relationship, this is a turn-off for me. .Sleepovers I am no way interested in, just good companionship, someone to talk to, laugh with! But, never say never. I think this is the wrong guy, even though he has many good attributes and a hard worker.
Divvi and Sandi, I am surprised that my messsage and questions didn't go over! I just read the whole thread on "what if you don't care about AFTER", and it kind of fits in with wanting another life and dealing with the loneliness.
As for me, that relationship never got off the ground when I learned more about him, just e-mail friends! A good man is hard to find and I know I will never replace my DH and wouldn't even try. I am still interested in hearing what you feel is the proper time to mourn and not feel guilty about dating...not sleepovers!
Helen* I think you didn't get the answer you were looking for because there is no one set answer. As a recent widow I am not looking for another relationship. That does not preclude one if prince charming comes along. He just can't bring any baggage.
helen, sorry i just saw your followup post. i agree no set time rules. if the right person comes along you will know its time. otherwise i agree with you and bluedaze friendships of both genders are always welcome. most of us will just have to wait and see if time tells a different story. for sure most of us feel after recent losses we just dont want a new male relationship too soon. we can tend to carry over our feelings of lost needs and comforting that some may see as weakness . there are good and decent men out there. we see many here on these forums. just take your time and you are the only one who knows when its right.always best to follow your heart! my best, divvi
Helen, I don't think there is any set time for mourning....in fact, I didn't mourn after my husband died...his death was a blessing. I mourned in the early stages of the disease when I lost him....I cried buckets when I looked at him looking so lost, sounding so confused, and getting so angry about being lost and confused.
I have no desire or intention to find a man for sleepovers or anything else, but if I did, I wouldn't worry about a timetable or about what anyone thought.
I agree with the ladies, you will know when you meet the right man, as for me I have no need at this time, going on nine months, I am still in a state of losing the love of my life my solemate, not saying it will never happen but as for now no way.nothing wrong with having men friends. Gail
Today would have been our 47th anniversary. Didn't know it would hit me this hard...tears before going to the cemetery, at graveside, and after getting home. Tomorrow is a new day, then I have her birthday next month to get through. It's been 7 months today, also, which doesn't help. I need a shot of Novocain to the heart.
TJ - first can be the worst and catch you totally off guard, it doesn't matter what the event is. With time the pain of no more will be filled with happy memories or new memories you have made to memorialize the day. You are coming along fine even though you often wonder. Happy anniversary - maybe when you feel like it you can do a post of anniversary and birthday memories. You seem like the type of guy that made them interesting.
Thanks Vickie and Charlotte, I appreciate your thoughts. In a way, I wish I had amnesia (not dementia), so I would have no memories of a love lost, but have a clean slate to start life over again from scratch. I know, that sounds selfish and stupid, but life the way it is today is not living. Maybe some day my mind will be numb enough to be able to start over. You know, it's enough to make you hit the bottle and stay drunk all the time, except then you can't drive anywhere, and you ruin your liver...plus it's expensive. Can't afford to do it anyway. But I'll be ok one day, 'cause I am a survivor, even if an unhappy one.
It has been three months since I lost Ralph. I have been in Texas, Florida and New York. Now I am back home and facing the grieving that I have not faced while traveling. Oh how hard this has been. I had no idea this would be so difficult. I have been living alone since Dec, 2008, but the loneliness has been much worse than I expected. Besides dealing with all the details of the paper work (lawyers, finances, etc), I find any little thing stresses me to the breaking point. Taking care of Ralph, I had all the patience I needed, now it is like I have lost it completely. Anyone else have this problem? Everyday there is something in the mail I have to deal with, beside the grief I feel. Now I need a new roof from hail damage and spent 1 1/2 hours on the phone with Dell trying to return a part for my computer. Ok, enough of the pity party stuff!!
I have talked to the counselor from Hospice which has helped and will see her again on Monday (the day before what would have been Ralph's 68th birthday). I know I have to get myself through this, but just want to be back to my old self. Now I know that Old Self is gone and I have to find the new me. Where to start? Good days, bad days - just trying to take it one day at a time (sounds good). I will be a survivor, but why is it so hard to get there?
God bless all of you going thru this process. Thanks for letting me vent!!
Darlene tomorrow marks three months that my Bill is gone. Losing our life partner is so hard. Learning to manage finances, car and house upkeep and indeed being alone-no longer two-is hard. Every time I think the paperwork is done something else crops up. The newest problem is an over payment on the part of our LTC because of improper billing on the part of the facility. You know what: I asked if the phone call was being recorded (it was). I dumped the whole matter back to the facility and insurance company. I don't have the strength to fight other people's battles. Aug 2nd would have been Bill's 75th birthday. Today-in the mail I got Bill's college diploma. It had just been found in a drawer in the ALF. It seems that just when you think you're on an even keel something else comes up to rock your boat. To all the folks looking forward to the "after" trust me-it ain't easy.
it`s been nine months for me, just when i think things are going good, i remember what a great life we had together, i have a hard time saying me, instead of us, talk about him all the time and talk to him almost every night, i still do alot of crying, can`t sleep well, lucky i get 4 hrs. a night, i have a picture of us on my dresser with a dried yellow rose resting on the top of the frame, ever so ofter i will find the rose sitting on the dresser, i believe it is way of comforting me, i can open and shut drawers and the rose never falls, what do you all think? I am just waiting for that time when it doesn`t hurt so much. Love ya all, Gail
Earnie, my husband, died on Feb.17th, 2009. We had been married 58 yrs. and he had bought me a beautiful wedding ring for our 35th wedding anniversary. After his death, for some reason I couldn't bear to wear my wedding ring so I had the stones removed and placed in another setting designed by my jeweler. I can't understand my reluctance to wear my wedding ring but adore looking at the stones placed in my new setting. Has anyone else had a similar experience?