Isn't it amazing that the person that frustrates you to distraction with the questions, questions, questions is the same one that can re-shatter all the pieces of that broken heart that you thought you had glued back together...with just a look?
You nailed that one, Shoegirl! No matter how strong we think the shell is that we wrap around our emotions to shield us from all the pain of this disease, the decades of shared love in those eyes are able to penetrate.
You are so right about the endurance of love even when our hearts have been broken . All my sweetheart has to do to melt my bones is to voluntarily put his hand in mine or stroke my face or even show a bit of recogntion in his eyes. I am never quite sure anymore if he knows me and in what capacity and he is a different person than the man I married most of the time now but there are those moments when we "connect" and I live for those times.
It happens to me in the shower of all places, when hes soaped up with hair plastered and sitting on the shower chair looking up at me like a child-knowing how he hates water and doing it without a fuss because i say so - with Trust, yes thats the word -its so pitiful that they become so very dependent on us for just everything needed to survive. that 'look' just sends waves thru me and at those times when hes so vulvernable I know i would give my life for him to protect him. i know now how a lioness feels alone, using survial skills, and doing the best to keep her family in tact...devotion is a good word,divvi
It was his smile I fell in love with and decades later, when he did not have the words, it would come thru the AD with his gratitude, understanding that we were still together, knowing he was safe with me, and I'd do everything to love and protect him.
And this was in spite of his rages and doubled-fists he'd threaten me with and my yelling at him for some stupid thing he did.
shoegirl, all it takes to "break me up" is for him to say something hateful. The words cut like a knife. So far, the looks don't do this to me, only the words.
The "moments" are what get me through from one visit to the next. It is so special when he recognizes me and gives me a hug hello. The few times he can still tell me he loves me mean a great deal. Sometimes it is just a voluntary touch to my face or asking me to stay a while longer.
The anger is mostly gone and the shutters are closed most of the time, but when they open for a few seconds, it is the world to me. He knows that I see him often, he knows that he trusts me to take care of him and make things right for him and somewhere in there he knows he loves me.
While this time is heart-breaking in many ways, how he is now has gone a long way toward healing a lot of the other stuff that he dished out before.