Tonight my best friend called me to tell me about her father, 93, being put on hospice & all the details. My husband interrupted this conversation 3 times, talking to me, telling me to ask her if she liked rice & beans, talking over me. I asked him politely to please allow me to speak to her in private, but he said "you're talking about me." No, I said, we are talking about her father & It is serious. He wouldn't let it go. Kept coming into the room & talking to me while I was having the conversation (trying.)
After I got off, I blew. I asked him, how would you like it when you got a call & I talked to you while you were trying to have a conversation? I said, the next time you get a call, I am going to come in & start talking to you so you can know what it feels like. I don't care how important the conversation is to you. I actually called him an a*hole for the first time. I have been so good & so tolerant for so long. But I really blew it. How much can you take? My friend is aware of the situation, but I have always been there for my friends. Now, I guess, they will not want to call to get my input, compassion, etc., because they have to be interrupted by my husband.
I am out of patience tonight. I was startled that I have been so good with all of this & just lost it. I thought I had outsmarted the demon, but everyone has limits.
At the beginning of my wife's alz.I would respond with anger.Patience was not my strong suit.Someone explained to me that it is not the individual that is in control of their actions or inactions,but it is the ILLNESS.After a while I came to understand that better and learned that like a thunderstorm,those moments that challange us,pass quickly and like the sun coming out,they start to shine.You cannot win a diasagreement with your loved one. They will quickly forget what it was about and you are left with holding the bag. During 8 yrs. of caregiving for my wife at home,each night I would pray for the day to end,for the stress and anquish to end.And each new day I found myself wishing I could have the previous day back.Patience is very difficult under our roles as caregivers.Let me suggest that you focus on the good moments and cherish them.The time may come that you will look to those cherished moments for strength. Oh how I wish I had those inpatient moments back to do over.I would take the hardest of those times instead of the emptiness in my life now.
Bobspecialk, I agree with you wholeheartedly. I still have my husband at home, and I know it is the illness, but when you have packed 5 plastic tubs - some to give the articles away and some for storage and haven't distributed them, and he gets into them and rearranges everything, the FIRST time, you smile; the SECOND time you ask him not to do it again and wish there was time to get them out of the house, but there isn't because you now have to re-watch unmarked videos so you can label them in case it happens again; by the FOURTH time, you are ready to throw out all those valuable books and family tapes just for peace. AND, when it starts getting dark and he is determined to go outside, though he doesn't know why and it takes 30 mintues to coax him back in the house (two of us took turns trying); and when he hides your best scissors under the stack of clean towels in the bathroom closet; and when his toothbrush disappears and you still haven't located it; and when he pretends you are not talking at all when you are only saying you have to come back in the house because it's raining, you WILL LOSE YOUR TEMPER - even if it is at the disease, the disease is in him. And I've been so patient and pray for more patience twice a day. Yet, though we focus on the good moments, we're still having to deal with the bad moments. We regret that they are occurring, and as you said, we will miss him once he is in the nursing home or gone. I thought I'd lost him last week, and he recovered and today is doing all the things I've listed. I am trying not to let him know I'm upset, but it is SO HARD.
Last night, due to three movies in a row on AMC that he liked, I got to sleep all night! I've been sleep deprived for a week, and it was telling on me too.
Kitty, you have been handling it so well, and it is okay to lose it now and then. He won't remember it! <grin>
Good for you, once in a while blowing is in fact in order"_ -the only good thing about dementia of any sorts they dont remember if you blow or not. i also have to try to talk over my DH as he seems to migrate to the phone when it rings and then does as yours, talks incessantly and loudy so i cant help or talk. i have learned to have a choc bar or cookie next to the phone so if it rings and he comes in i hand him the choc bar:) works well and occupies his mouth for a few minutes..haha.. i know it may not work with yours, but maybe try locking the door or asking friends to call your cell and then lock YOURSELF somewhere to have an uninterrupted conversation. divvi
Oh, my gosh. How frustrating that must have been. I have a cordless phone and when I get a call I need to listen to, I go to it, hang up the land-line and head for the bathroom. I always say I'll be just a few minutes. Then I talk and listen to my friend. It's working for now. Hope that helps.
Also, I believe I was the one who wrote about a week ago that I'l totally lost it. It happens. Apparently to all of us. And, he really doesn't remember. He keeps telling me how good I am to him. Then I feel like a dime. But, right now he's doing fairly well and I'm going with that and hanging on to it for as long as possible.
Blessings! You're doing a good job and don't you be the one to tell yourself o therwise. (Does that make sense? :::)))
Thanks all! I appreciate all the comments. I never thought about going into the bathroom, the only doors with locks on them.
I woke up at 3 a.m. & came upstairs (I've been sleeping on the sofa for over a year.) He called out to me, please come and be with me. I said we would talk about it in the morning & went back to sleep. We haven't been intimate in several months, such a big change from when he was never refused. I got up at 6:30, alarm set for 7, slipped into bed with him. I just felt so bad to hear him call out for me like that, and he held my hand for so long & snuggled with me, so unlike him because he has never been affectionate, and then we had sex & it was tender. I've been justifying staying away from him for so long, due to the anger issues over this past year & our finances. I just thought how sad and alone he must feel.
And yes, it felt good to lose my top. I don't know if he remembers or not, but who cares? I felt better today, don't know if it was because I let the anger out or if it was because I felt compassion. How can you feel the same things on the same day?