Today's Blog topic is about an article written by Dr. Marvin Fredman - The Emotional Divorce. I invite you to read the article (the link is imbedded in today's blog) and tell us your opinion.
There is a lot to think about in his article. Much of what he had to say will have to be thought about, re-read and thought about some more. So much about what made our marriage work was the way we helped each other. Emotionally and practically. I had an abusive first marriage, both physically and emotionally. Gene was so supportive and kind. He restored my faith in men and marriage. Our vows I wrote said, "So long as we both shall love". I believed that marriage could only last if two people worked at it. We worked it! Now I guess I will need to do the work for two.
Even now I see him trying to help me. He says, "Thank you", for most of the things I do for him. Emotionally I do look to my friends and family for understanding, and conversation.
Thank you for bringing this article to our attention.
I have read the article. My screen name came about when a couple years ago I continuously tried to explain to DH how our relationship wasn't the same. I was constantly saying, "We have entered a New Realm in our relationship." Constant. What I wasn't doing was detaching emotionally. Still felt I had to explain, explain, explain. And it was so painful, every time it came into discussion. I'm still not there, but am getting a little better at telling myself to stop trying to tell him things and expecting him to understand. Its just like another assault on my emotions. I need the reassurance that he understands what I'm saying to him about the emotional side of our relationship. But alas............he cannot reassure me. He cannot understand me. He wouldn't remember it minutes later anyway. The husband/partner is gone. Now when I get my brain wrapped around that I'll be just fine.
Well, I'm not so sure about all of that. I'd be interested in knowing if the good doctor has a wife with AD. Where are you now supposed to 'put' all these emotions? I used to call myself a 'married widow.' Altho we ate together, slept in the same bed, spent almost 24 hrs together, that does not a marriage make. I have always been a strong, realistic person (w/lots of romantic daydreaming thrown in) but I don't have an easy button to turn off my emotions. There are a lot of people I am emotionally attached to--my adult middle-aged children, my elderly sisters, some non-relatives, even my 13 y.o. dog--the emotions are part of the relationship, they support it and give it strength. And, true, the stronger the emotions the more profoundly hurt we can be when things go wrong, but often it is worth the price. I never consciously tried to divorce emotionally from my husband and it was those emotions, the still strong love that allowed me to be his hands-on caregiver until I could do it no more, (I was not a detached professional nurse, after all), and even after I had to place him for my own well-being, the emotions were still strong. Yes, as time went on, it all changed, eased a bit and then even more and more. I don't have to tell any of you how everything changes. He's gone now, and I've moved one w/my life and many of my emotions went elsewhere--as it should be. But never did I think to do it deliberately. Oh, yes, I did rant & rage, screamed to the heavens that I wanted my life back, but I accepted the hurt, the loss, the tears as part of the package and Nature seemed to take care of it for me.
I read the brief article, and was initially struck by (and slightly repulsed by) the following assertion:
"An emotional divorce occurs when a person successfully breaks the emotional bond with another person that was created when these two people formed a romantic attachment, with each other."
I don't want to totally break the emotional bond, I'm thinking. We still have a rather nice relationship in a lot of ways. But as I read on I realized that what he was actually describing is, in fact, the exact process I've taken myself through by necessity over the past several years. That is, acknowledging and releasing my expectation that the relationship will or even should meet the emotional needs that made it a romantic and equal partnership. We still love each other, we are still friends, and I will still care for him, but I have regained most of the independent strength that sustained me prior to marrying Jeff and investing emotionally in partnership rather than independence. Now I'm back to being an independent person, who is committed to caring for someone else.
I guess everyone understands why it took me so long to address that article in a Blog. I was horrified by it when I first read it. At first, I interpreted it to mean that we were to walk away from the love and connections we had with our spouse, and if we couldn't do it ourselves, we were to get professional counseling to help us achieve the break. Well, I don't care how much education and experience you have as a counselor, if you haven't "walked a mile in my shoes", as the saying goes, you just don't get it. (That's why so many drug counselors are former drug addicts; and alcohol counselors are recovering alcoholics.They've walked in those shoes.)
I don't think anyone can just "divorce" their emotions. I'm hoping he meant what Emily referred to - that when the disease makes it impossible for your spouse to meet your emotional needs, you have to accept it; accepting it doesn't mean losing love for your spouse; it doesn't mean turning your back on them. It means accepting another hurt thrust upon you by this disease and move on to the next phase of your life. You do gain strength and independence. Loneliness and hurt also. But that's AD.
After over three decades of working to keep my marriage close, I realized that I had to work at letting my husband go. Bit by bit, I was losing him, and I had to let him go. Heartbreaking work. I didn't have the words to say what it was, but it was this "emotional divorce". So far it hasn't taken away the pain, but it has helped with that desperate need to keep him just how he was. I try to appreciate whatever we have now, and not think too much about how it used to be.
I think the problem with the article is that the writer addresses the concept in such a removed and clinical way that it seems cold. You really need to read it with an eye to how it parallels your actual experience.
I agree with Emily. I love John with all my heart and will be with him thru this journey but realize that he is no longer able to meet all of my emotional needs. However, we still share a laugh, we still cuddle and I understand that this is where we are now. I have been divorced and that was easy compared to the roller coaster ride of AD.
Maybe if he had called it a 'dependency divorce' it would have read better. We all go thru that, whether we want to or not. We begin to take on our spouse's role and eventually even do things w/out the usual consultation. It just all falls on us. There's no option but to accept it.
I read this yesterday and was thinking about it. I think I understand the emotional divorce. When Bill first was diagnosed and for a long time after, I was always thinking of what I had lost. My husband and all our dreams for the future. It was hard to even do things for him without thinking about it. Now I believe I have emotionally divorced Him. He is no longer the person I fell in love with and made plans with. When I help him change his depends, shower, shave, and get dressed, He's not that person. I will never forget the person he was and I will never stop loving and caring for him. But now when I do these things it's like doing them for a stranger that I care for and want to help. I think the emotional divorce has made it easier for me to accept what is happening even though I'll never like it. My love for Bill will never end and I will be here to take care of him for as long as I can. I'll never forget the person I met and fell in love with Easter week 1961. There are still times when he puts his arms around me that I just want him to hold me forever and never let me go.
Now my emotional divorce is dissolving and I've started crying remembering and thinking what was. I still love him so much it hurts.
Joyce43, When you help Bill now it is not like you are caring for a stranger, the feeling of love is still there, you said so yourself, it is just a different kind of love. More like the love of a parent for a child. I think you most likely love Bill even more than you ever did in a very different way.
I think the emotional divorce can mean many things, to me in the stage my Jim is in, it means removing myself from the past and moving to the future with the changes that life has dealt us. My future right now includes Jim but in a different way, I also have to remove my thoughts from the way things were in order not to die before I finish this journey with Jim. emotional divorce does not mean to me the romatic side only, it means all the emotions of what was and will never be again. Time changes all things and we have to change with the stages we are in. I am still having a hard time not realizing that Jim's body is here but Jim is not the same. When I talk to him I can't sometimes realize that he does not undersand because he still looks the same. It is these emotions that I have to divorce, and yes, I believe this is so true, without emotional divorce I myself cannot survive.
Jane, what you said is what I was trying to say. There's no doubt in my mind that I love Bill as much now as ever. I'm not sure I could do this if I didn't. he was always my protector now I am his.
To me my emotional journey for these eight years has been progressive from trying to keep my relationship to my husband as my partner in our relationship to one of a childlike, stranger who physically resembles my life long mate. Our relationship is not equal any more, in fact, I don't know how he views me but I know he probably doesn't understand the concept of husband and wife. He is dependent upon his caregivers for everything including love and affection. Ii have not been able to emotionally divorce myself from him but my love for him has been compartmentalized into "then" and "now". when I visit him I still feel an initial welling up of forgotten sweeheart love but then I am abruptly forced to see his reality and accept our new realatiionship. I hang onto the memories of our deep love for one another , cherish them, but try to be realistic in our new relationship. My vows are still sacred but adhered to in a changed role.
I had an incident happen today. DH seemed so fine. Looks good. Acts like his old self. I was so pleased. We are planning a weekend train trip to Portland. We've been invited to celebrate Mothers'day and his 83rd b'day. He was all excited to go and looking foward to going..
Out of the blue, he got mad and said he wan't going anywhere and I couldn't make him go. And he was tired of my making plans for him, etc. I didn't do that. We discussed the entire trip. He doesn't remember any of the conversations.
I waited until he was calmed down and had forgotten his outburst. As of now, he is going and looking forward to seeing 3 grown grandsons and going to a museum of flight with them for his b'day.
He's leaving me bit by bit. Intellectually I know this. Emotionally? I'm not so sure. It is so sad and it breaks my heart.
Mawzy, I am so sorry! My husband has progressed to the point that I don't tell him we are going anywhere until it is time to brush his hair and leave! Otherwise, he will want to go RIGHT NOW. <grin> He has no concept of time any more. A year ago he would dress and be ready to leave hours ahead of time, but sit in his chair until I said it was time to go. No more.
Now, I'm getting ready for my 2 day 1 night trip, and I'm not telling him about that until I walk out the door, because he will want to come with me, and I can't take him and get any rest. This is my respite weekend, and he doesn't understand that he can't go. As you said, he's leaving me, and it breaks my heart to watch it happening.
My wife is at the point where she worries about everything but can remember nothing. Right now we are in Portland Oregon looking after a granddaughter whose mother (our daughter) is in Asia for a month. Emily is almost 15 and is hardly a child. Wife worries and worries about Emily, but what I told her goes away in a flash and we start over again. I won't let her see I am ticked at her, so finally I said to just let it all go and I'd take care of it. She did for now and went to bed. Tomorrow we will start over again. We have been at this for 10 years and this is getting a lot more intense almost by the day. Darn.
dwgriff: I understand. It's only been about six months since my wife's short-term memory has gotten bad. I feel so guilty when I tell her, "I just told you that." I can see the frustration on her face and know she honestly does not remember so I try to be patient and answer each time. Ten years is a LONG time! Hang in there.