Last night a commerical was on the TV for one of the Alzheimer drugs. He watched the commerical and then turned to me and said"that is what I am going to do for you when you come down with Alzheimer's, I am going to put you up somewhere so you cannot get lost" I looked at him to see if he was trying to make a joke, but he already had that blank stare. At least he did comprehend the commerical.
I honestly believe that God gave my husband AD instead of me, because there is no way, no how, that he would EVER have been able to handle it if it were me. Not that he wouldn't SAY that he would handle it; not that he wouldn't WANT to handle it. It's just that he's not wired for it.
Two years ago, when we moved to Florida, and we had just gotten his diagnosis, and I was trying desperately to adjust to his repetitive questions, and his inability to follow my directions, without me re-explaining them 5 different ways, we had to go to the registry to register both cars. I can't follow driving directions - never could. I had to follow him to the registry, but I couldn't keep up with him, and got confused. He was waving his arms for me to turn into a side street and stop. We stopped. He got out of the car, and started screaming at me - "What is the MATTER with you? Can't you follow a simple direction? I TOLD you where to go and where to turn. Are you stupid or what?" (Before AD, he NEVER spoke to me that way.) Anyway, I was so furious, I looked him in the eye and said, "Welcome to my world. That's what it's like living with you every day." That shut him up, but it made me realize that he would not have been able to handle it if it were me with the AD.
I am with you 100% Joan. My husband has NEVER helped around the house. His interests usually came first. He just would never been able to handle the situation. We are "lucky, if you will" that we did not get the AD.
My husband couldn't deal with me having AD either. When we had his Mom with us (she had COPD and now with reflection I am sure there was dementia) he was hardly ever home and left me to deal with her and the never ending household problems. I believe that his problems may have even started at that time. She was with "me" six months until she finally chose to go into a nursing home. One other thing (and one of his sons noticed this) was also the anger over minor issues,I mean outrage and violent anger,very unlike him. We never dealt with repetive questions,but there was a major loss in being able to follow directions at work and home. I believe he would put me in a home,not to protect me,but to get out of being responciable for me.
The thing that hurts me the worst is the "what are you stupid?" question. I understand now that he will say this when he gets agitated and/or confused about something. It's the one thing that I really can't take. I almost lose it every time. In a previous post I mentioned about how he was finding it more and more difficult working on small engines and carburetors. He got to the point where he wanted and expected me to remember where the parts went and if "we" forgot and didn't remember how it went back together it was because I was stupid. It really hits to home, this one.
There is no way I would believe my husband would care for me either. He also NEVER helped around the house or for that matter with the kids. He hated & compained at babysitting even for a couples hours. As Imohr said, his interest always came first. That's one thing that seems to have not changed, everything was about him & still is. I know this also because when his mother was still alive & dealing with dementia, he only called or went to visit at my suggestion. I am sure he would place me somewhere nice, just not at home.
My hubby has spoiled me rotten for the first 37 of our 40 years but now cannot. I spoiled him as well and never thought he would be able to take care of me if I were ill but my mother had a stroke 10 years ago and was hospitalized for 2 months. When she came home, we had her with us until we could find the right place for her and we had to get up every 2 hours at night and turn her, we had to help her to the bathroom and she frequently did not make it. He would get up at night and help her, he would clean her up if she was incontinent, he would feed her and was so gentle and caring and sooooo patient with her, when she would get angry about something, he would just smile and calm her. He cared for her so much until she died 6 months after her stroke. I still do not see anger to me but I do to others and it breaks my heart. I am not so sure he would not have done a better job taking care of me than I will be taking care of him. I do know he would be horrified to think he would be mean to anyone. He has become selfish but I know it is not him but the damn AD...
As good a husband as DH is, I'd bet my left arm that he would not be able to take care of me if I was the one with AD. He has never had any patience--even when the kids were little he'd get cross with them when they'd make the same mistake over and over again. Oh, when they were babies,he had patience, but when they got a bit older things changed. When our special needs son reached adolescence,, he was not at all sympethetic or patient with him. So, he has many wonderful qualities, but this isn't one of them and I think our Lord knew what he was doing if someone had to have it, best it's him. I'm not having any problems dealing with his repetitiveness right now.
And my WW could never have taken care of me. I remember back (10 years ago) when I discovered that she had let her teaching license lapse - the amount of work needed to keep it current was minimal. I told her that she couldn't predict the future and that the day could come when she would need it for security. I guess she was right in letting it lapse (unfortunately).
I'm sure I am not doing everything right, but I must come to the defense of your husbands. I, also, did nothing around the house. My wife did all the cooking, cleaning, gardening, and taking care of me when I got sick, etc. But, when she developed AD I had no choice. I learned to cook (somewhat) and take care of her. I must admit I hired someone to clean the house, but I do the laundry, wash the dishes, make the bed. I'm sure each of your husbands, faced with this problem, would have taken over what needed to be done. And I am also sure our wives would have done just as well if it were we husbands with the disease.
In my house its 3:30pm on Sunday. I just finished my Sunday chores. 4 loads of laundry (whites, reds, brown/tans and this week greens), changed the bed, cleaned 2 bathrooms (toilets, mirrors and all) & vacuumed. Tonight while making dinner, I'll make all my breakfast and lunches for the upcoming week (while watching Sunday night football). Sheesh, I still have enough time to iron. Everyone on this site helps me through every day. Just when we start feeling sorry for ourselves, we learn someone else is struggling more than ourselves. Thanks to all............ Thenneck
Marsh-you are innately compassionate or learned to be. My children have said over and over again that had it been me who became ill husband would not have cared a hoot. When I developed cancer he was not there for me. I dragged myself to radiation. I took my own sutures out because he would not take the time to get me where I needed to go. A lifetime of hurt doesn't change when a partner becomes il and needy.
I already gathered from your posts that you guys were exceptional and to be commended..However, I still would have received little help from my husband were the situation reversed. In 50 years he never new where the iron was, the dishtowels or anything other than glasses and bowls and silverware. Now, I do have a couple cousins whose spouse helps them with household chores and the attitude is different.
My husband was there for me when I was PHYSICALLY ill. I was sick, weak, and a physical mess for 4 months, and it took almost 2 years for me to get back to normal. He held my hand, washed my back, learned to do laundry, learned the numbers of all the take-out places by heart, did the shopping, and took me to all of my doctor's appointments and tests, all while working 60 hours a week.
It is the MENTAL disability that is AD that he would never be able to handle. He just doesn't have the patience or make up for it. He's one of those people, and there are a lot of them, who just don't understand when someone doesn't understand something. If he understood it, then there was no reason for me not to understand it. Period. So for him to deal with confusion, lack of comprehension, repetitive questions, delining cognitive abilities - don't think so.
Marsh, you and the other men here are exceptional and we all hold you in high esteem for not only taking such good care of your wives, generous in your loving, and coming here and discussing everything from your point of view. My husband learned to do the housework once he retired, so that I could spend more time with him since I still worked. If I were the one with AD, he would be the King of Take-out, because he didn't cook, didn't want to learn. But he would take care of me, and take me to the doctor, and make certain I had everything I wanted. He wouldn't get on here though - because he's electronically challenged. <grin>
I am confident Chuck would take care of me if I had AD. He and his dad took care of his Mom when she had AD. Chuck was in high school and his dad had a full time job plus they had farm work. Neither of them learned to cook as well as his Mom but they tried their best.
Per the article below around 44% of caregivers are male.
I am sure if the roles were reversed, my DH would provide me with the best of care, notice i said provide.:) most likely in a very posh AD unit:) he would still be his high functioning- moneymaking- high profile atty, certainly going about HIS own life as usual with the added responsibility of visiting and being there for me when needed. i would be glad he could move on with his own life..divvi
I really don't think my DH could handle the stress of being a caregiver. He would lose control. may be get violant under the pressure. My son could not either. Although, My son was great when his children were born and he is a great father, so may be I am wrong here. I know that he would be way more patient than either my DH or my daughter. I don't think any of them would neglect me, I just don't think they just couldn't provide the day to day care. My daughter would try to help but she would become adgitated like my husband. Heaven help me if I become the patient. HA HA HA.
I have to add a little something. 11 years ago I had some serious spinal surgery. DH was right there. He did it all! I was telling a woman friend of mine what all he did--besides doing all the household chores, he took me for my walks, encouraged my physical therapy, helped me with my shower, etc. She asked if I 'rented' him out. It was pretty funny. He was a good husband and I would never want anyone to think otherwise. A very good man.
However, like Joang commented, he would never have been able to handle the mental decline of AD.After almost 59 years I pretty much know his strengths and weaknesses and handling anything emotional or mental is not one of his strengths.
You fellows who are able to do this, I truly applaud you. You are really a blessing to your wives and I know if they were able, they would be so appreciative. Blessings!
At the support group today there was a guy who had been told he should put his wife in a nursing home, so he did. He said they said she was in stage 5 and that's where she needed to be because she got confused. He was obviously very new at dealing with all this and doing what he was told but it was tearing him apart. I'm pretty sure he's retired (the meeting was at 1:30 pm for one thing). Sad.
Would my husband care for me? Like Divvi's - be sure I was in the best place. But he wouldn't have a clue and physically wouldn't be able to do much to help, never has been. I recall having a hysterectomy in 1976 and three weeks later going with him to a conference in NYC, walking all over the place,etc. Completely recovered. I don't EVER remember his figuring out how to step forward and help more than ordering pizza occasionally when I was exhausted. Not in 52 years.