I've been so anxious the last week and am near tears most of the time but don't actually cry. Don't ask my why. DH is just fine health wise. He's so very sweet and affectionate. It's just me but I find myself reading 'things' into words said or unsaid. I pick up little expressions in other peoples' faces. I'm pretty careful not to complain and to keep myself upbeat. I mentioned to Pastor I was feeling sort of odd and I felt scared a lot. He said he really did know what I was talking about and suggested I see my doctor.
DH and I took some good friends out for mid-afternoon lunch today. They were driving. Before we got home, I felt I'd said something offensive to her. I asked her if I'd said something wrong and she said "My gosh, you're really getting paranoid. Have you had a change in meds or what?"
Part of me thinks I'm being persecuted. The other part thinks I'm being paranoid. I honestly think I'm going nuts and don't know why I would now. Things are really smooth now. But dking said that when he was in Vietnam, he was waiting for something to happen or something like that. Maybe that's what is going on. It seems as if things are too easy right now. Does that make sense? Am I borrowing trouble?
Mawzy, Likening it to Vietnam made me think of being very vigilant. Being hyper-vigilant like we can get over our spouses can create a state of anxiety. I don't think you are borrowing trouble or that your thoughts are abnormal. I think recognizing it and talking about your feelings can help alleviate these feelings. As others have pointed out, alot of caregiver spouses end up taking anti-depressants.
Mawsy, Lizbeth is right. I've been there before. You get into a hyper vigilant mode (subconciously) and the when there is a lull where you don't need to be on high alert, your system starts working on you instead of shifting to a lower level of watchfulness. Things you can do about it. Talk to your Dr. about meds to help--could likely be short term. Consider talking to a counselor--they can be a great source for helping pinpoint ways to short circuit bad thinking that puts you in the hyper vigilant state and in finding strategies to prevent it happenbing over again. Also, find a way to get regular breaks where you remove yourself completely from the house, your LO, and everything to do with the whole thing. Maybe a Gson or friend could stay with him for a couple hours twice a week or he could go to a Day Program. He might balk a little, but if you put it to him that it will help you if he'll do it, that may help. During the time he's occupied, you go out to lunch; get your hair done;go to a show, take a class, do something that is totally not AD related, not LO related; just for you. THIS IS NOT BEING SELFISH. THIS IS SURVIVAL. H's got AD but you've got all the stress.Instead of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as dking referred to, we suffer from Ongoing Dementia Stress Disorder and if we don't recognize it and deal with it, it can do us in before the AD does in our LO--and then where will any of us be? Mawsy, hang in there. Vent when you need to. And get moving, your husband and Noche need you whole and healthy.
Mawzy – I’m so sorry that a friend would tell you that you were getting really paranoid and then ask you if you had changed your meds. Does she have even the slightest idea of what having a loved one diagnosed with this disease is like? My goodness, the things that caregiver spouses go through, even when things aren’t that bad, and then to have to deal with remarks like that from a friend, too? Unbelievable.
I agree with the idea that needing to be hyper vigilant will alter us in a profound way. Sometimes I feel like I’m on the Titanic and know that the iceberg is coming--it’s just that I can’t quite see it yet. It’s hard to relax--day after day, week after week, month after month--when you already know how the movie ends, so to speak. The stress of everything we are dealing with will definitely take its toll on us. Early in this process, I was watching DH all the time, sure that at any minute there would be some wild behavior I couldn’t deal with. After a while of being like that, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It’s not that things got better, but I did learn how to breathe again. If caregivers could take one of those tests that show how much stress we are under, I’m sure any of us could blow the top off the chart. That’s why we have to work so hard at taking care of ourselves—physically and emotionally.
Taking time to be by ourselves occasionally and have that good cry we’ve been needing can help, too. Years ago, I read that a good cry will strengthen your immune system, because it rids the body of toxins. Since DH was diagnosed, I’ve made use of this home therapy on numerous occasions. It seems like nothing can eliminate that toxic combination of grief/fear/anger/loneliness/stress for me like tears. Feeling like I need to cry has also proven to be my early warning system that something is going on with me that I need to take care of.
Actually, your friend's asking about your meds was reasonable. There are meds that add to stress, and if that was the answer, it is simple to fix. She was also right that you were over-reacting to something that wasn't quite there although she didn't say it right.
Carosi, is right. You need to contact your doctor today. You might need anxiety meds. You might need therapy. You might need both. Learning meditation techniques and deep breathing techniques are also a good idea for all of us.
Jan is also right. If you feel like you need to cry, find someplace safe you can do that and let it all out. Like you, I also am not crying, but it is what I will do when I need to. A bathroom with a lock and water running and a toilet flushing sounds pretty safe to me. Would it work for you?
I am now feeling like Mawzy and she said it well as well as some of you other posters. We are enjoying being at the "top of the roller coaster" now and part of me is on pins and needles not knowing when we will drop. Thankfully my Dr. prescribed anti-depressents a couple years ago as well as Xanax and I don't know how I would function without them.
I don't cry either. I have been unable to cry for a few years. I wrote about it before under "crying dry tears". I have wished lots of time I could cry. I know it used to make me feel better.
Anyway, we are not doing any Med changing and hope the reduction taken a while back will continue to make him more "with it"
Thanks, all of you. I will see my doctor and let you know what he has to say. I'm pretty sure he will prescribe something. I just hope it's not really expensive. I'm already in the donut hole and sure don't want to add to it.