Almost every day I promise myself, starting now to have more patience with DH. Seems like I never keep that promise to myself no matter how hard I try. Does any one else go through this? Thanks,Ann
Ann, I pray every day for more patience. I learned not to promise myself to do anything any more. Yes, we all lose it a lot! Not every day, but often! You are not alone!
Every day, in every way, I pray for patience. Sometimes I receive it and sometimes I don't. I try to keep reminding myself that it is the disease, not him, that is saying/causing/doing these awful things that I then have to straighten out, solve, explain.
Lord, give me patience, but, please give it to me NOW!!!!
I hear all the people saying about their spouse and how they have so much patience with him/her. Well I have not found that level yet. I am still pissed. The wedding vows of in sickness and in health, well to hell with that. I have been hospitalized several times and don't get me wrong my spouse and I have had many many good times for 34 years but when I was sick he couldn't be bothered. Hey some men just can't deal with a sick wife. Well why should I have to be a nice guy and put my best comforting foot forward and make his journey as comfortable as possible. I know as soon as I see him that I will do what I need to do but under my breath. My husband has progressed so rapidly I guess I have not had time to comprehend all of this. Yes it has been a year but the weekly beatings just got to be so much that I had to put him in a NH. My God the guilt. What if it is too soon because he is very aware of what he did and admits to if he gets a chance he will beat me again. How do you keep love alive after all that. I see the hate in his eyes and I know if I give him a chance he will kill me. in the next five minutes he is so sweet and loving and all I want to do is hug him and say I was sorry for his illness. What a mixed bag I am dealing with. One Day At A Time
I miss him, I love him, I hate him, all at the same time. Over whelming guilt when I read well I bathe my spouse and I tell stories and I take him places. Maybe I am jealous and I want all this to end soon but I know in my heart that my husband is as healthy as a horse and if not for his mind he would still be working and functioning like any other man of 75.
Welcome to my website. You are experiencing ALL of the emotions common to spouses of AD patients. Cut yourself some slack, and try to get rid of the guilt. Physical violence is a deal breaker. You cannot keep him at home if he is a threat to your safety. The hate in his eyes is what I call being possessed by the Alzheimer Devil. It is the disease attacking and taking hold of his brain.
I know you will find the support and information you are looking for here. Please take some time to look over all the features on the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com. Given what you are going through now, I would recommend clicking on "previous blogs" on the left side of the website. Scroll down to #261 - "When love turns to hate". Another one that you may relate to is #231 - "The Alzheimer Devil Takes Posession".
Another excellent source of information is "Understanding the Dementia Experience". Scroll down under the "previous blog" section until you come to the picture that says "Help". Click and read that article. I like it better than any other in explaining AD.
Once in a support group somebody was talking about how they didn’t feel like they were patient enough. I opened my (big) mouth, and before I could censor myself, I said, “I think if he lives long enough to die of natural causes, I was patient enough.” I was horrified by what I had said, but it sure started a discussion, because everybody knew exactly how I felt.
Jenene56 – I can’t imagine what you have gone through. To have a person who is supposed to love you beat you is just awful. Thank goodness you have put him in a place where you will be safe. And yes, when this progresses really fast, it’s like your mind just can’t deal with all the changes, because it’s just too much too fast. You will process things when you have time and peace to do so. Until then, know that you did the right thing to keep yourself safe. We do have a right to be safe, no matter what our loved one’s needs are.
Thank you so much Joan I have given myself a cheat sheet The Alzheimer's Journey from one of your newcomer blogs
Alzheimer Journey This is a long journey. You will not learn all about Alzheimer’s disease in a day: You will not get all the support you need in a day: Your spouse will not get all the correct meds in a day: Every day you will learn something new about the disease and how to handle it. You will meet new counselors, social workers, support group friends. You will have some smooth sailings and will hit many storms. You will stumble and fall, but there will always be someone there to pick you up an d help you along. There is no denying this journey sucks and you surly didn’t volunteer for it. You are stuck with it, and the only way through it is to remember that you cannot do it ALONE. Learn all you can and accept help. My Mom made a good point: When God closes a door he opens another but remember it is hell in the hallway!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much for being here
Welcome Jenene, I am so sorry you have had to endure such pain. I agree your husband is exactly where he belongs, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Your safety is very important. I am glad you found this forum, I think you will find everyone here helpful, non-judgemental & caring. I have not dealt with physical violence, however, I have seen hate in my husband's eyes, as Joan says "The Dementia Devil" and it is quite scary. Sending hugs to you. Kadee
Jenene - I can totally feel your thoughts about your husb, altho I have not felt the 'beatings' that you describe. Our hearts break @ the 'spouse' we now have compared to what we once shared. My husb asked me today "why do we have to go through such hard times"...i could only answer "in this world, you will have trouble" but Jesus then said "But fear not, for I have overcome the world"...one day, there will be no more pain or sorrow...until then, I pray for your comfort & peace...So so hard what you are dealing with...your husb in a NH...hang in there & like someone else said "don't be so hard on yourself"...if your husband was who he used to be, things would be different...so sorry, my friend. HUGS and LOVE to you, Debbie
Jenene--I'm so sorry for what you've endured. Your vows do not include having anyone beat you--when that happens, things change. You have done exactly what needed to be done. You have a lot left to do and if you are burdening yourself with guilt, you won't be able to get it done. Do you have anyone to talk to about the guilt? You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are in my prayers!
Dear Jenene: My DH was getting violent, our children kept pleading w/me, "Please, Mom, we don't want to lose you to the same disease." The hatred in his eyes, the fists, the bulging veins--and I don't think he really knew who I was anymore. That happens, you know, they really do not know who you are--who knows who they think you may be--who knows? My husband accussed me of of being with other men and when I said, "But I'm right here with you," he'd seethe at me 'Oh, no you're not!' I had to place him for my own safety. Within weeks he'd gone completely violent attacking other patients, staff, throwing furniture, biting, twisting arms, etc. The police had to be called to subdue him. If I'd still been alone at home w/him, he could have killed me or at least had me hospitalized. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm not a saint, and when we promise 'in sickness & in health' we are young and healthy, we believe we can care for each other, but as we age and when we live w/someone who is no longer the person we married and promised to take care of, then that promise becomes invalid. We did not promise to be caring until we were beaten to death. If you have harbored guilt, please give it up, it won't help in any way. Just know that you are not the only one who had to make these heartbreaking decisions, no one is judging you. And another secret--no one is always patient all of the time--and you can take that to the bank.
Bettyhere and Jenene, my one experience with violence was just that scary. If I hadn't given him the keys to the car, he would have killed me, so I gave them to him and called 911. If there had been a second episode he would have gone to the hospital and he wouldn't have come home unless I was going to be safe.
For me violence is the deal breaker. No one who has experienced violence has anything to feel guilty about because they chose to live and be safe. In a choice between my living and his staying home, I choose my survival.
I think that between my making it clear that I wasn't as alone as he thought I was. The police came after all. And just how scary that policeman was, I got my point across to his foggy mind. At this point he is mostly fine. The worst that happens is a bit of grumpiness and some mean spirited words, but no screaming and no physical violence.
There is a huge amount of outreach to caregivers in this disease. It is shocking how frequently we see people here who have not experienced any of it before they get here because there is so much of it. I think so much of it exists because caregivers are truly at risk with this disease, but it tends to be offered much later in the disease than it should be. My husband's doctor FINALLY asked if I was getting any help. It has been more than a year since his diagnosis and frankly if I had needed more help than I was getting, it would have been too late.
My DH has never been violent. Once in a while he gets verbally agressive but stops quickly. However, his father was mean. He used to take my MIL's walker and hide it so she couldn't get around. He ran everyone who came to the house off--neighbors, pastor, home-health caregivers, etc. The only one who wouldn't leave was the woman who gave my MIL her bath and took her shopping a couple of times a week. She told me she wasn't scared of that crazy old man and if he laid a finger on her she was calling the police and didn't care if he had a sickness or not. But, then she wasn't married to him. Sadly, MIL died and FIL was placed in a nursing hom where he died 3 years later.
I pray daily that DH won't get like that I don't know how I would handle it. prayers and hugs to all of you.
I thank you Mawzy Starling Bettyhere. I was wondering if anyone was in this situation but me but then Joan turned me onto the When the Devil possesses your spouse. All I want to do is hug him so hard and even if I am in the nursing home I would love to lay down beside him like I used to and cuddle him like he was my hurt little child but I can't risk it. I would love to take him out of there for a drive which he loved for me to do but I don't want him to have a bad time going back in the NH. There is so much I want to do and say but it gets turned around to if you loved me you would get me out of here and he will cry. The fear is the greatest thing so maybe I can have some other family member do that for me and I can be happy that it was done even if I didn't do it myself. Yes Mawzy my prayers and hugs for all who have and are going through this with me.
Hello Janene! Seems i have missed our new members, so sorry!I have been MIA for the last week dealing with Ike- inhome guests, a strained back and DH acting like a 'hooligan'..:)! today i needed the much needed patience as you say, with my back out and DH has been pretty good lately but today was poop patrol again, and i got overwhelmed- like many know it is a neverending struggle the gain for patience. so sorry you have been thru such rough times, know you did the right thing placing him with the violence issues. some of our AD loved ones, just dont seem to respond to any drugs to calm them down much to our dismay. i am glad you found the site and know you are among friends - Divvi
Janene, welcome! I've enjoyed playing "let's get our icon on with you! You finally succeeded - I've got to stop for the day! I'll try later! I like your pictures!
Divvi, I was worried that IKE had gotten you! I'm so glad you've posted! Sorry for the poop patrol and the strained back. Those are hard to recover from! Take care of yourself!
Another welcome, Jenene. I'm sure you will get addicted to this web site like the rest of us. We're all in this thing together and trying to help each other. You'll find a lot of cyber love here.
Jenene: My DH did settle down in the facility and I would curl up on the bed with him, hold him, hug him, feel his breathing, take in his smell, and it was good, I hope you can get to that point. Sometimes someone would come in the room and look at us strangly, he had aged so much, people thought he was my father, but I didn't care what anyone thought. Welcome, you will get full understanding and support here.
Yet another welcome Jenene. I can't imagine what you are going through. My DH is starting to enter the mid stage and I hae no idea what I will do if violence comes into play. I have been looking into assisted living and have found a place if needed. God bless you. You've done the right thing for your safety and his.